my blog's off center and I don't know how to fix it! MooCow
or someone versed in this stuff, help me!

Drunk by yourself (after going out with a friend for a few)
on a Friday night, you take your birthcontrol and realize
that you paid $176 for three packs rather thank the $20
for three (because you ran out and your DR is sick of
giving you more because you constantly cancel your
appointments to go down to the city...I'm an idiot,
yes, yes...I'm well aware) and you realize that you
won't be sleeping with anyone anytime soon, because
if you do, you'll hate yourself. As you hated yourself
with that run on sentence.

And then, to make matters worse...you have a bridal
shower tomorrow and a baby shower on Sunday and you hate
having a vagina which requires you to go to such horrid affairs.
And you know that even if you wanted to be married and have
babies,
it's soo not in your cards.
Luckily, I'm on the fence about both...

It's a pity party and you're invited. Please bring gifts.
We'll call it a Pity Shower and there will be lots of fun games
for all involved. You may even win a door prize.

Oh and Johnny...your new hoodie is here. I'll mail it down tomorrow.
Hope this one fits you pumpkin. Happy Birthday a second time around.

Alternate Title: Everyone Misses John (and don't get a big head)

For a man who never wants to return to the Cornfield, there sure
are a lot of people who are worried where he is, and why he's
not sucking face with me. Let me explain:


Submission A

Well as always (twice, ok, fine), when John decides to stop
hanging out with me people decide to ask me where he is,
they never ask any other time. I think they can sense sadness
or something and they feed on it...stupid jerks.
Here were some of my answers (and yes, these are actually things
that I said,
and I provided no extra explanation for any of them):
1. He's servicing me under the table, please leave so he can finish.
2. He joined a cult. It's a gay cult.
3. That was his name?!? Are you serious? I never knew!!!
4. I don't allow him to go out during the week, who's going
to watch the kids?
5. I wiggled my finger and said, "John's not here Mrs. Torrence"
ala The Shining.

Those were just five of the ones that I used...there were more.

Submission B

When I start my car there are three very distinct notes that
sound out. Back in early February, John once coined the
lovely phrase, "You...can...drive..." while I Was driving T
and him back to my house in the snow, and he sang with each
note. Now every time T gets in my car, she sings along with it.
Now she sings it, cups her mouth and laughs saying, "I'm sorry."
When in fact, she's not sorry at all...nor do I really care, it
makes me smile.

Submission C

The question that came up from T when tipsy...
"Do you think you and John will be cool enough
for him to come over and make/drink Bloody Mary's with us again?"

Submission D

The skeevy guy that John hates says to me,
"Did John break up with your ass yet?" as a joke.
I looked at him straightfaced, "As a matter of fact he has,
and now I'm composing my suicide note...
could you please excuse me?"
That's the first time I've seen that loudmouth flustered.


It's actually nice...you'd think my friends would have

a bitchfest about John. However, last night, T and Chelle
discussed good times they had hanging out with him, things
they miss about him already,and things that they're going
to miss (it kind of sounds like a John eulogy or something,
but I swear it wasn't like that!). As I was gently released

back into the wild (why didn't I get a Mitchapolooza, I would
like to ask??) I got lots of reassuring pats on the back, lots
of comments that were meant to be soothing (for example, "Wow.
We totally switched places huh? I never would've pictured this
scenario two months ago...he looked totally into you...") but
fell a little short and lots of comments that were dead on
perfect without being Halmark. (if it seems odd that we're
discussing this stuff now, it's because I refused to leave my
house until last night).

And there were a few beer tears, but we'll breeze right by those.
Damn beer tears! You're the reason why I was scared to go out in
public...luckily, I held off until the car.

It feels weird that tomorrow is the weekend and that I won't be seeing John. I spent every Friday as of late looking forward to seeing him, talking to him, laughing with him, at him and touching him. Especially since last weekend, was mostly so much fun...but last weekend was what it was I suppose. So yeah, I feel weird. Never been a creature of total change or whatever.

We've been volleying emails, and it's nice. He's seriously not a bad guy (ok, just take my word for it--I'm not in denial or anything, nor am I insane). Was he confused definitely. Did he accidently drag me into something, and punch a hole in my heart? Surely, he did. But is he also dealing with his own problems that are hurting his heart too? Probably more than any of us would have any clue about. After all the "total disclosure" from a couple days ago, I feel much better. In fact, I feel like I may know him a little better than I did before, maybe even feel more comfortable with him? Yeah, seems that way.

Like he said, "We might be ok..." as in we're not going to become mortal enemies or anything, maybe we'll even be friends. But as I told him and I'll tell you, I'm going to feel that one out. If I can't deal, I'll bail. Because nothing's worse than dealing with that jealous friend who can't get over someone...sooo...we'll see. I've never really tried this role on before, most times when someone I'm dating and I "break up", I'm ok...because I never really exposed myself entirely, so the jealousy would kick in, but not in the way that I'm currently worried about.

I won't lie, there's a part of me that wishes that there was some kind of magical way that we could try again...but since it's not what he wants (or needs or can do right now? I'm not sure which verb I should put in there), I'll live, and live without bitterness. And I'll take the fragile friendship we're trying to establish. I look forward to when we hang out again, I already miss his jokes and his random facts. He's very facty.

At least that's the take on it I have right now.

Now, it's off to dinner with Chelle and I believe, I can finally start drinking again without fear of becoming a sobbing/blithering mess over a few beers.

Enjoy your weekends...and I, I will certainly try to enjoy mine. (as if I wasn't going to post again tomorrow!)

The slit your wrists cd is going well...

1. Fake Plastic Trees- Radiohead
2. Alkaline Trio- Bleeder
3. Don't Let Go- Weezer (it reminds me of the first time John and I hung out in the city together alone)
4. Bleeder- Alkaline Trio
5. Blind- Face to Face (on John's recommendation...although it sounds more of his song than mine...)
and then I submit these lyrics for consideration:

Tiger Army's "Cupid's Victim"...a little alterna-rockabilly (if there is such a genre?)
Without a warning it comes flying-
And when it strikes my world changes,
all reason left behind
Without a warning it comes flying-
and its too late to resist it for my fate is sealed
And I know... My heart's no longer mine

Just like an arrow through my heart
A feeling so strong
A scarlet fever burns my soul
From this moment on

Can't shake this fever from my mind
It burns away all that has passed
And draws me to her side
"A direct hit" the cupid smiles...
Wounded, I fall into delirium
And I know... my heart's no longer mine

And of course, a tongue in cheek song...

NOFX's Liza and Louise


Liza's had enough of men
She says, she won't get buried again
She says, they don't know how to f**k
Her last boyfriend, the shmuck
Shared with her a nice disease
Kept her passive, on her knees
'Til one day she took his car
And drove it to the city
Liza had put down a few
When she met this girl named Lou
Who convinced her to go home with her
She said, "My name's Louise
Now will you take off my clothes please?
I want to take you to the moon and back
So get on your back."
With a flick of the tongue
She made her scream
She made her laugh
She made her dance
She was happy for the first time
And you know she wanted more
Now with her legs spread wider
She needed to have Louise inside her
She said, "I'll never forget the first time
You kissed me, now I want you to fist me."
Louise didn't need a second invitation
She knew just what to do ( X 2 )
Liza had cum a few times before
But she had never even seen the door
Into the world of pleasures of the flesh
She felt just like 16
And her life before now was a dream
Or even a nightmare thats over and done
Just like warm healing rays
Shining from the sun

Here are the first two songs for the "slit your wrist" CD 2006...

"Bleeder"

you came to me like a dream, the kind that always leaves.
Just as the best part starts, it ends so abruptly.
And leaves you stunned and naked in your bedroom all alone.
It’s kinda funny how something so soothing gets interrupted by the ring of a telephone.
And you broke me like the cigarette that I busted on the day I quit.
But now that I've been drinking, I'm outta smokes and I wish that I had it.
Woke up to my daily headache and the realization that you are gone.
Oh my sweet darling happiness you've been away from me all along.
One thing that I've never said, I'm truly happy in my heart and in my head.
A lonely liver suspended in liquid.
You came to me like a dream, the kind that always leaves.
Just as the best part starts, it ends so abruptly.
And leaves you stunned and naked in your bedroom all alone.
It’s kinda funny how something so soothing gets interrupted by the ring of a telephone.
One thing that I've never said, I'm truly happy in my heart and in my head.
A lonely liver suspended in liquid.
Its one thing that I never did was smile.
Missing a case, lacking a lid.
My heart bleeds for what you never did...
You never did.
For what you never did...
Never did.
For what you never did...
Never did...
Never did...
Never did...
You never did...
You never did...
It’s one thing that I've never said, I'm truly happy in my heart and in my head.
A lonely liver suspended in liquid.
Its one thing that I never did was smile.
Missing a case, lacking a lid.
My heart bled for what you never did until now.

Radiohead's Fake Plastic TreesHer green plastic watering can
For her fake chinese rubber plant
In fake plastic earth.
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plants
Just to get rid of itself.
And it wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out.

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns.
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins.
And it wears him out, it wears him out
It wears him out, it wears him out.

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love.
But I can’t help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And it wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out.

And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted,
All the time, all the time, ohhh... ohh...

Do you notice that when someone rejects you, your insecurites slowly start to seep out from their hidden places and sting you like a paper cut...or maybe like a million paper cuts? um, I'm not talking from experience here or anything, ha ha. Even in situations like this one, you can't help but think, "What could I have done differently?" Now here, obviously, I KNOW it all would've had the same outcome and I would've found myself in the same very odd little place that I am now...but the thought still appears in my head...because well, that's what I do.
(and before I start my diatribe...yes, yes...I know. It's not me. But I don't totally believe that, because if I was absolutely perfect and absolutely wonderful noone would leave me, turn me down or do anything bad to me. Believe me, I'm sure it's true)
"What if I was skinnier?"
"What if I was more open?"
"Or less open?"
"Or never gave him the blog address..." (had to throw that one in there...)
"What if I was different looking?"
"Or more vindictive..."
"Less compromising?"
"What if I lived in the city?"
"Or any city?"
"Maybe if my ass wasn't so big..."
"Crazy in bed? I could be crazy in bed..."
"Dressed flashier? I mean I have thousands of nice clothes...why do I always wear some form of black shirt? For the love of all that's good in the world?!?"

And then I find myself in front of the mirror. I'm stuck there making grimaces, looking at my butt from all angles, trying on different outfits...you know all the weird things that I think a lot of girls do. I even tested out different hair lengths, thought about dyeing it blonde for a second (uggh, never again!).

Talked to my mom last night. She called. I thought about avoiding her phone call but I took it. I'm in no mood for advice, especially when there are no actions to be taken. She loves to give me advice like I'm planning on doing something (well I guess maybe she's guarding against my crash and burn personality) Like, "Honey, don't move to Peru!" (which to be honest I wasn't planning on...I kind of hate Peru, and I don't even have a reason why) and because she knows me so well, "You didn't call any of those guys did you?" To which I made her the happiest woman alive, "No mom, it's just been me and the vibrator all the way there kiddo." (Did you even notice that stress such as this ups your libido? I'm just saying...)

What's nice is that while I was losing my mental stability (and I'm not even sure why I did...I had a good night, I went out to dinner...ate my first meal in three days. I felt fine, and then I went home and did a little backsliding--ah you little introspective girl, always gotta do the meta on yourself, doncha?) my mom's telling me lots of nice things about me. It's probably good to get the perspective of someone who's my biggest fan...especially since she knows all my flaws and shouldn't be.

I made this tape for my friend in high school for when she was feeling down about boys, I titled it "the slit your wrist" tape. Not that we were suicidal or anything, but the phrase seemed already coined, and it needed to be used. It was the perfectly planned tape. Like the character Rob from High Fidelity, I feel like there is a secret art in making a meaningful mixed tape (now CD). Of course, Rob doesn't learn that it's all about who you're making the cd for is what matters...not the songs that you think are meaningful until the end. Lucky me, I knew it all along.

In college, we made another version of the "slit your wrist"...this time a CD. Again flawless. Tonight I tried to make a playlist, but I couldn't find the right flow. Perhaps it's because I'm not mad (that would make for a nice angry, punk filled/guitar driven cd), I'm no longer completely sad, it's there obviously--but it's begining to transmute...into what? I have no idea (sad, could've been all the emo bands I've been subjecting to myself as of late...oh, how did I get here?? ha ha)...what makes for a cd where you're sitting there scratching your head thinking, "I have absolutely no idea how I feel...and...I'm not going to analyze it because I feel ok enough."

So, I'm no longer preoccupied with my emotions which I think is a good thing. I think. Although, I'm still in a quandry about my cd. Ehh, it'll come to me.

Here's how I'm living as of today...

Still crying a lot. Less, but the tears still come. It kind of feels like the crazy, hormonal period right before my period...except less pickle juice is consumed.

Avoiding mirrors. Makeup has been non-existant for days, so as not to look like any member of Kiss or like Alice Cooper. Let's hope my daddy wasn't lying about my natural beauty, ha ha.

Avoiding people. Aside from work, I've been running home as soon as my time here is up and curling up in a ball on my couch. The dog officially hates me, as she keeps bringing me balls, socks and anything else that she can cram into her mouth. She then comes to me and dumps her offerings on my lap as if I were her favorite goddess. I play for about a minute and then I roll over and face the couch cushions, heartlessly listening to her whine for attention. I feel incapable of love and only capable of self-pity.

Attempting to memorize everything. It's in my nature to try to review everything that has occurred between John and myself...the good and the bad. Perhaps it's the writer in me, perhaps it's the glutton for punishment in me. As I lay facing the couch cushion that once gave me a lovely spot of brush burn on my forehead, I review little memory movies. I guess it's part of my process, but I'm not sure it's all that helpful...because this is when the tears flow the most.

Avoiding alcohol and cigarettes. I have a tendency to lean toward self destruction when things aren't going well in my life. Nearly every stupid mistake I've made in my life has been because I've decided to raze my life and start again in the burning ashes. I'm not sure I'd survive another razing...

Avoiding food. The bonus of this ordeal is that I've probably lost 8lbs in the past few days. Every time I've tried to eat, I've thrown up. Last night I kept a few pretzels down...other than that it's been water and Diet Coke all the way.

Avoiding men. Another part of my self destruction is to fuck my way back to happy. I mean that's why I used to keep all those ex's close by. They didn't add any more numbers on the ol' whore chart, they were familiar and absolutely innocuous. These were men that could never touch, nor hurt my heart. A bonus from my time with John is that I dumped their numbers from my phone and didn't even bother writing them down. I was happy about it then, because I was happy really, reallyhappy. Now I'm just happy because I'm not turning to the comfort of the medicinal fuck.

Avoiding the future beyond a few hours from now. I'm fine alone. I mean I nearly avoided dating altogether for 3-4 years, aside from the short relationships that I knew were doomed to fail. I'm actually better than self-sufficient (at least I'd like to think). But there's a difference between wanting independence and having your independence thrust upon you. I was looking forward to sharing my life with someone...someone to help me out and someone I could help. This doesn't go well with my fear of dying alone, without anyone loving me. I'm almost an orphan in this world. Hence the reason why I avoid thinking beyond 10 am.

...you should just read my blog. We've got John, Rachel (formerly known as R______) and myself all on here. John felt the need to give the web address to Rachel because, "We're all tied up in this together" and when he told me what he did, instead of being angry, I actually agreed (although, after the fact. I would've preferred to give permission).

After speaking with John on email today, I feel better. After he left the comment on the blog, I copied/pasted and then annotated it and finally put it into an email (one that I'm not going to share)...I questioned all parts of his comment. And after he responded once, I pressed for more. He said something about no matter what he says he always hurts me. I don't think that he totally grasped the idea that sometimes the truth hurts but it's a hell of a lot better than being lied to and feeling and looking like a total ass. I feel better talking rather than putting up this stupid wall that was partially in place so that he could stop hurting me, and partially so that I wouldn't learn all of his lies. As I said to him today, "I don't love you. I love the John that you constructed for me. I think I would prefer the complicated/messed up John over the one who lies to me and tells me things I want to hear."

I understand more in some ways. I understand less in others.

I'm not saying I feel great. I'm not saying that I'm happy about this situation. I'm not saying that any of my feelings for John have dissipated; even now, knowing how he manipulated situations with me...but I feel a bit clearer. I may even eat tonight...it's been a couple days.

I have to say, losing some of my anonymity is scary. I've had to put forth the effort to make sure that my posts aren't self-edited, so far, so good. This blog has always been my way of dealing with things in my life. John pointed out that it's hard to read about yourself and your friends on here, and I've never had to deal with that issue before. There are posts that are so over the top, that you have to know they are exaggerated, but there are rare posts that are incredibly raw. I write for those rare raw posts. The past few days has been generating them. I love and hate that at the same time.

I've been writing exactly how and what I've thinking and feeling. For example, the "Going to Miss..." post. I wrote it, and it was a little embarassing posting it, knowing that John was going to read it--that wasn't a "take me back" post or a (god forbid) "have pity on me post"...it was me, journaling and cataloging someone who was in my life...and has (obviously) a great impact (both positive and negative) in my life. I have to post these things for me. And then learning that Rachel's on here as well?!? (no offense to you Rachel whatsoever, you deserve to be here) Well, we're all here now and this blog feels like an important tool now that it has acted as a catalyst for the truth, as little or much of it that I've gotten. I will remain as honest as I've been throughout this entire ordeal.

PS. John, give this website out to anyone else and I break your face, ok? That's only half a joke. I don't want to have to take it down and start again elsewhere...

I've tried not to visit his myspace. I used to go a lot, just to admire stuff about his page...I mean he used to change little things and it was always interesting to see, he's such a tiny detail kind of man. I mean he's an interesting guy, his thought patterns and the way he expresses certain things are unique and fun to see/read/observe. But now I have to be careful. We were all joking just the other day about John's roommate's ex on myspace and how she uses myspace for stalking/and other crazy pursuits. I don't want to be that girl. So I'm not doing any surveys, I'm not contacting any of his friends or people I met through him. I'm just not doing anything. I'm actually considering deleting my myspace until I feel human again.

The one thing I did do was that I posted a blog for my friends. I was trying to send the message that I don't want a cheer up crew, I just need to be alone to think and figure out how I'm going to pick this all back up successfully. I don't want trips to the bar to get drunk, I don't want people holding my hands...I want to lay in my bed and stare at my ceiling and cry until it's all out. I think they were excited that I was finally excited about another guy since CV, like excited excited...not like the thrill of the chase or whatever. So that was the only thing I've done...and I'll probably just take it down, because I don't want to start doing that. Whatever that is, I guess a form of "reaching out"? Although that wasn't the intent.

Tonight I went to bed at 8'o clock because I was sick of crying and feeling just plain gross. I must've fallen asleep within minutes. But now its 3:50am and I'm wide awake so I headed down to the computer. I checked my friends and then...well I checked John's out too. I saw that he had a new blog and it had this on the inside:

"I know I don't look it but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel thin... sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. In fact I mean not to," with a picture of his hometown/the town I live in below the words.

I've just realized how much I really hate Lord of the Rings...but I'd say that was a pretty clear message, "Yo dude. I'm not coming back. Give it up." A fucking hobbit delivered the message. That's actually kind of funny if you think about it.

So be it. It's sad, but at least I won't be wasting any time on fantasy. John rarely followed through with anything that he said to me (helping me do my taxes [although I actually asked him to do these...he didn't offer, so that doesn't totally count], describing the beach for the summer/the swan paddle boats on the lake/having sex under the fireworks [I was SO looking forward to that one], the suggestion of a trip to San Diego, etc.), he had such great descriptive plans and he would make them sound so wonderful and I'd be so excited to share in them and then we never did them...but he'll stick to this. That's irony folks. But someone explain why he's being hurtful? That's what I want to know...is this supposed to cauterize the wound? John, you can even answer that one for me if you want.

So I figure the plan is to close myself off from the world for the rest of the week, lick my wounds and then I can push it all down and carry the dull pain around without most people suspecting. I don't know what I'll blog about because soon (in a couple of days), this will be beating a dead horse...but I guess I'll figure it out.

I will miss...

his eyes. John has two of the most beautiful eyes ever...a mostly greenish, slightly brownish color. They remind me of the woods right after a Spring rain. Gorgeous, calm and lush...his eyes captivated me.

his skin and his lips. I was probably constantly annoying him, but I couldn't keep my hands from making lazy circles on his arm, or on his chest or even brushing by his ultra soft lips.

his beard. I liked to cup his face in my hand when I kissed him. His beard was so surprisingly soft.

I will miss the ease with which we could hang out; whether we were playing Monopoly, grabbing something to eat, watching a movie or just enjoying each other's bodies...I always had a great time just spending time with him.

I will miss the way he enjoys music...moments will remain etched of him singing songs with his eyes closed, with a grin on his face saying, "Oh man this part is the greatest" and he would point the tiniest musical nuance-that indeed would be awesome-but would've been missed without him.

I will miss holding his hand walking down the street...I will always miss lacing my hands in his hands and thinking, "This is one of those rare but perfect moments."

I will miss when at first he seemed surprised about my little gestures--like the time I brought him dinner without him asking. He looked genuinely surprised which is why I always wanted to give him more. He's the kind of man who deserves the world, but rarely gets it.

I will miss his touch; the warm hand resting gently on my side while we slept, the strong hands gripping my hips when we had sex, the index finger brushing errant bangs away from my face...his touch electrified me and I craved it. I wanted nothing more than for him to be touching me constantly, even if it was just an open palm in the small of my back.

I will miss him laughing at my laugh. I will miss laughing with him period.

I will miss hearing him talk. His voice has such a gentle cadence it was soothing just to hear him speak, add the ability to hold an intelligent conversation and it was just nice to hear him talk.

I will miss watching him sleep. He always slept later than me, and I tried not to do it for too long (because that could get creepy) but it just made me feel so calm when I watched him sleep. His face was free of worry and tension, his lips were slightly parted and his lashes would spike out over his high cheekbones. My heart would swell looking at him.

I will miss when some of this was my reality...now I don't believe any of it. I have to second guess my every thought concerning him and our times together. "My rare perfect moment" could've easily been a moment he was wishing I was R________. And that thought makes me die a little on the inside.

Finally,I will miss him-all of him. I actually made a long list of the things I would miss about him (as a way to stop crying a little and focus on something). I made a better list, with specific moments as well as things about him and then I just stopped. Because he won't miss me and it makes me cry because there's nothing wrong with me except that I wasn't the right girl...and there was no way for me to fix that. Otherwise I would've tried.

Finally, I will miss the hope. Soon it will die, the idea that maybe he'll change his mind. Maybe he'll realize that we could have something great together. I will miss that hope as each week goes by without him.

Saturday night he asked me what I was going to do and I just shook my head and said, "I can't quit you" but that wasn't what he wanted me to say. He wanted me to appreciate the good weekend together and then bow out of the race gracefully. But I refused to do it. So he did it for me on Sunday. Even though I want to be put into a medically induced coma right now to avoid all these horrible feelings, I have to be fair, he didn't want me to bother running in a race that I couldn't possibly win. But I would've given anything to fight for my chance, but that's part of the whole thing I suppose...there's no chance and nothing to fight for--John made his decision and I have to live with it. Last night I dreamed about the Tam Lin story, but in my dream I held the role of Tam Lin and John was the one to hold onto me...but as I continued to change into all the different forms he let go of me, and I was lost forever. I woke up crying.

Yesterday he sent me a text asking me when a good time to talk would be. Immediately I knew what the impending conversation would be about, and just as immediately I went and threw up in the bathroom. My body has been rebelling against me since that phone call--shaking, crying, throwing up, the works. I'm still shaking while I write this and my eyes are welling up with tears, because I just cannot believe it's over. I mean seriously, I'm having difficulty fathoming it. I obviously have no idea about anything because I felt such hope and promise when it came to us.

So he calls me, and I behave like a five year old (responding with yeahs and oks) because I just couldn't deal with his explanation of how it was just going to hurt all involved in the long run...I mean, could it get more complicated than this for me? I feel cheated out of my final two last months. But I guess the real thing is that now that I'm out of the way, there's no roadblocks for R________ and John's relationship other than their own stuff. No me to complicate anything more, although I feel hardly a complication and more a nuisance or possibly a nice little distraction to pass the time.

It hurts. I haven't been hurt like this in four years, and those scars rear their ugly heads at all times, I wonder how much more messed up I'm going to be now, after this? To know that you weren't good enough for the person you thought was good enough for you, is a constant message that is being imprinted in both my head and heart. I feel unwanted and useless. It's almost as if someone's saying, "Hey, you're good enough to spend some time with and sleep with but I can't give you the good parts of me because well, you're just not good enough." I've pretty much kept my head about me and made my heart off limits for four years...never dating anyone too long, sensing if they were beginning to like me too much, or just setting up the casual physical thing that works when you're just emotionally spent like I had been and I've stayed heartbreak free for the most part...hell, I even invented the Derek chase thing just so I wouldn't have to worry about men:)
But then there was John. This is just a lesson in judgement. Apparently, I have none and apparently I should never trust myself. I met him and I thought to myself, "This guy looks like he'd never hurt me." I agree, a weird thought to have, but I swear I had it. It was strange. The night I met him I was just struck by his presence. I kept thinking to myself, "What is it about him?" because he did it for me, but I didn't know why. Now I could list about a hundred reasons why.

And now, to be cut out of his life--so abruptly. He told me that he was going to shade out, and that I wouldn't see him here in town and that he would stay out of my hair and not contact...but really, he just needs me out of his hair because heknows that I want to stay in contact with him. He knows that I would take anything I could get from him. He deleted me off his myspace page, he cut out all of my friends as well. When I saw it, I was sitting with T. She looked at me, her face went white, "Oh. I'm so sorry. I don't know why he did that honey. It seems so mean." I couldn't answer or comment, I just stared at the computer, silent tears rolled down my cheeks until I buried my head in T's lap. That was a pretty loud and clear message,Not good enough to love, not good enough to be a friend...just plain not good enough. Perhaps that wasn't the intent, John said it was supposed to be for "a clean break" as he put it,I guess to avoid the reaching out (that seems to be a really effective method for R______ don't know why I couldn't try it too?), but it was one more thing to make me feel worthless.

Bear with me, I have a feeling there will be a lot of these posts, I need to get it out because I hurt so much.

So back to the story now that I can see the keys of the keyboard...I was a little banged up last night while I was trying to write, which probably explains the lack of coherence of the previous post.

After laying in bed all day with the bizarre mix of laughing, crying, having sex and trying to come to a decision about the state of things, we decided it was time for a shower and food--I mean, it was six after all. Still, no real decision had been reached. We basically just kept saying, "What the hell are we going to do?" because in all fairness, John wasn't expecting to break my heart, and I wasn't expecting to fall in love with him OR have to deal with this R_______ situation. Here's the "best" part...she's coming home for the summer, so basically I have a shelf life of two months. Two months and then he'll be so wrapped back up in the mindfuck that is R________ and I'll be nursing my tattered heart...it may sound overly dramatic, but it's pretty much the way it's going to go...and I'm doing nothing to stop it. I'm not looking for pity and I'm not looking for advice (I mean, you can always give it) because I do know what I should do, but I'm avoiding all things practical and realistic because I want John in my life, it's as simple (and complicated as that).

I talked to my mom last night when I picked up my dog and she said, "So, we need to start thinking about a plan if you think you'll be going to the beach a lot this summer." And I told her quite frankly, "R_______'s coming home for the summer, so I probably won't be going to the beach." And my mom just hugged me, she started to give me advice but then said, "So...you really like this guy huh?" and I just nodded and she said, "Love doesn't have to hurt to be love you know..." we talked a little more and then I headed home. She didn't offer any advice, nor did she pronounce any judgement against John or against my apparent lack of self esteem, she kind of just observed me. Finally, I headed home I was exhausted.

Exhausted from the day's activity, both mentally exhausted and emotionally drained I just crawled into my jammies and tried to meditate. T, had different plans for me though. You see, I had been avoiding talking to her about the whole situation, this was due in part to the fact that I didn't want advice I knew I wasn't going to take nor did I want her to be mad at John...I mean it's our situation, and although I post it all here for the world to see, locally, I'm trying to just deal with this without including the whole world. It's tough, but I think that's the fairest way to deal with it. So T came over, threw clothes at me and told me that we were going to thitwbar. We went to the bar and I caught her up for the most part. T surprised me though,she just said, "Wow. You've had a rough couple of days huh?" To which I replied full of sarcasm, "Yes Captain Obvious it has been rough".

It would be much easier if I was a soul sucking bitch, he'd probably love me...and I wouldn't give a fuck, because I'd be the souless bitch who only cares about herself. And now he's off the hook because I'm not going into this blindly. My eyes and heart are wide open and ready for the inevitable breaking. I'm going to make these two months the best I can for myself because that's all I have to work with.

Well, welcome our newest reader...John, everyone. Today, after several weeks of cajoling, I gave him the web address. I mean what the hell, he already has my heart...he might as well have my mind as well. Never fear though, I'm going to remain candid because this is my outlet, not anyone elses'.

Last night was phenomenaL,all things considered. I drove down to the city and as I pulled down his block he texted me asking if I was close by because he needed to go out to get cigarettes and booze. I told him that I'd pick him up and take him. He got in the car and my whole body was on pins and needles, I was so worked up over going to see him that I nearly dry heaved while in traffic (TMI I know). After a little bit of small talk he turned to me and said, "So are we going to have this conversation?" To which I replied quietly, "No, not tonight. I just want to have a good night, if this is going to be our last night." And we left it at that.

Perhaps to drown out the awkwardness or perhaps because we were going to BYOB place for dinner, John bought several bottles of wine. We went home and hung out on the couch with his roommate, drinking the one bottle wine before dinner. Our reservations wasn't until 9:30, which I was highly surprised about...he had planned a nice night, starting at this awesome little restaurant called Pumpkin. I knew I was going to be a drunken mess, partially because of circumstance and partially because the last time I had eaten had been at 10:30 that morning. Sure enough, as soon as we finished the bottle of wine and headed over to the restaurant, I was already more than comfortably numb.

The next morning we woke up hungover and a little disoriented. Me, due to circumtances and him...well I think it was a little of both. We agreed to go to breakfat but after kissing, neither of us were thinking about eggs. We started to have sex and I had this gay smile on my face like, "I need to remember everything about him and this for..." well you know. As did he, which is why he flipped me over I think,so he didn't have to see my every emotion on my ace.

And the rest of our day was incredibly weird. We spent the entire day in bed until 5:30pm. As sooon as we decided not to have breakfast, it was time for "the talk". We talked and we cried a lot. Oddly enough we also discussed our favorite tv shows growing up. It was bizarre. Every second I was next to him I was torn between leaving right away and staying. I obviously decided to stay.

More tomorrow when I can see the keys.

John sent me at text this morning at 2:53am that was meant for another woman...his ex girlfriend, the "one that got away". The one who lives in Florida and has been reaching out, and apparently--has been sending him pictures.

I sent him a text message back, "You sent this to the wrong girl." (and I'm ashamed to say, that I had a moment there, that I wasn't going to say anything about it...I was just going to ignore it and pretend it away)

And so he called directly thereafter and the conversation began. Yes it was a conversation and not a screaming match (well he would have nothing to scream about and I was too hurt to yell. I wanted to curl into the fetal position and shield my heart from the blows) and it's not done, just for tonight--or this morning acutally. So here I sit thinking about the conversation because I can't sleep.

I agreed to still see him tonight, we have a lot to talk about. He's asking me not to end things here and now, he's asking me to let him try to regain trust...

We both cried a lot. I told him how completely in love with him I am, and that I can't compete with a woman who is only now reaching out to him because he's happy again for the first time in months. I told him what an idiot he is, and that I would give him the world if he would just ask...that I would probably give it to him even if he didn't ask. I told him that if I decided to end this, that he would kick himself five months down the road when R________ throws him back to the wolves again. I told him that I refuse to compete--it's all or nothing, and this is the only offer.

I know I should quit him.

I should.

Why am I in love with him?

So South Dakota has outlawed abortions (for the most part, except for extreme circumstances). Senator Napoli was asked under what conditions would it be justifiable to terminate a pregnancy and this is what he said (this wasn't taken out of context or changed):

A real-life description to me would be a rape victim, brutally raped, savaged. The girl was a virgin. She was religious. She planned on saving her virginity until she was married. She was brutalized and raped, sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it, and is impregnated. I mean, that girl could be so messed up, physically and psychologically, that carrying that child could very well threaten her life.

So ladies, you no longer can make decisions yourselves and the only way you're going to get an abortion is if you've proven the fact that you were pure as the driven snow and then ravaged...awesome. In my eyes, it's the principle of the matter...government stepping in and infringing on individual rights. I'm not really focusing on the issue of whether abortion is right or wrong, because I don't care. In the immortal words of that fine television program Different Strokes, "What might seem right to you, might be wrong for some" and that's the way it's always going to be. I don't like people telling me (eventually) and the women of SD (right now) what we can and cannot do with our bodies. Seems a little puritanical and ass backwards, if you ask me (and I know that you didn't...but uh, it's my blog--so there).

This cartoon pretty much sums it up...and it's his real number if you want to call him and engage him in discussion on the matter:

When John gets to thinking he becomes brooding, quite similar to Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights (and we know he wasn't the nicest guy out there). John's a thinker, my own little Byronic hero,which if you didn't know, it isn't really the type of hero you'd want (although, he's the only one I actually do want...yes I know I'm confusing, I think it's part of my charm). So when I see the look in his eye and the whole change in his demeanor I know it's time for him to get some space.

He doesn't ask for it. But he certainly needs it. At this point, I don't think I'm really part of the brooding factor (well indirectly I am, I guess). He is going through some kind of quarter life crisis where he's burning bridges with friends that he's had since he was in high school, not so much on purpose as the fact that he's had enough, he's changing and they aren't changing with him. Inevitable, I think, but I already covered this part of my life. At the same unfortunate time, he feels like he's moving away from his roommates in a sense. Now part of the roommate thing can be attributed to me since he's been spending his weekends up with me at my house. But I also think that a part of the roommate thing is due to the fact that he works in the professional sector and the other two are kind of free spirits, seize the day kind of job finders. They always have those odd but interesting jobs that you think about but never do. It's certainly an awesome way to live life, but I can see how it could become trying when you're trying to collect money for rent from them!

And so now I'm leaving Johnny space to realize these things. He's getting there, he started talking about it with me both indirectly and somewhat directly. And part of the strain is us. What are we?? I don't call him my boyfriend...but we're completely exclusive. I don't say 'I love you' to him right now (because I fear not hearing it back), but I love him more every day. It's hard to add another person into your life and have them fit perfectly...and that's how I feel...I feel like he's twisting the Rubic's Cube to see where we all go (friends, family, work, and me)--where is my alotted space? Will it be weekends? Will it be Mondays and Wednesdays? Will I not get a day? Will I be made redundant? I miss the days when the rest of the world fell away and I saw him every other night. I miss him when he's not lying next to me, holding me in his arms and yes, snoring like a bear in my ear.


The most positive thing in our lives right now is the fact that he said, "We don't get to spend a lot of time alone together." and the fact that he agreed with me that we need time away from the bars, away from other people and just have some time where the rest of the world disappears.

We might go to the beach on Saturday. Yup, it's cold...the water will be colder (for my little surfer), and we probably will only be on the beach for a little while but I think the sea air, the water and sand will do these two pisces some good. Right now, we're like fish outta water (had to say it).

This weekend was an odd one. Good odd in one sense, bad odd in another.

John and I had been sending emails to each other all day on Friday and it became pretty clear that it didn't look like he was going to be up for going out that night. The boy stayed out all night on the 16th drinking like a fish and had the hangover to prove it. When I told him that it was ok if he stayed home on Friday night and that maybe we'd be able to get together on Sunday (he had plans for Saturday evening) he said, "No. I'll just come up tonight, lay on the couch and watch movies in your jammies and then pick you up when you're ready to come home. I just want to wake up next to you in the morning." Ah, sometimes that man melts my heart. The only lie in that sentence is sometimes.

T and I went out around 5pm for some early St. Patty's Day festivities/ and our friend (T's lust for life) Tony had his last official day bartending. When we arrived, it appeared that Tony had been celebrating his last day at work with lots o'Irish cheer...he was plenty intoxicated. Anyways, he's a charming drunk so it worked out alright, well at least for a few hour...that story to follow.

John arrived around 9 and he decided to stay and hang out at the bar for a little. Actually, I promised to feed him when he got there, but then I forgot. Things were great for a while.I mean I got to see the man I adore, I was pretty tipsy but not obnoxiously so, I was with my friend T...things were great. That was until, John and Tony got into a (verbal) fight. It was pretty heartbreaking to watch because they weren't even really raising their voices all that much, they were just slaying each other with words. I think the fight started because of the break up of the band, but I can't be sure. Either way, the fight seemed to ruin the night for both of them. Tony stormed away, and John decided that he was going to go to another bar with another old friend of his. He told me to stay where I was and that he would meet up with me in an hour or so...he just needed to get away. Fine by me, it looked like he needed to cool down.

Our night ended with us meeting up at thitwbar, going back to my house and having a feast of chicken nuggets and raviolis...don't ask me!! John was the one acting as the chef for the evening, or I suppose to be more accurate--early am. We fell asleep on the couch attempting to watch A Nightmare on Elm Street, because that/s what you do on St. Patrick's day, watch horror movies...ok, that's what I do.

Saturday, John and I watched Walk the Line. I didn't get a chance to see the movie in the theaters, but I'm damn happy I rented it. Joaquin's (yes, just Joaquin...he and I are good friends, I don't need to mention his last name...ok that's just in my dreams. Fine. Ruin it for me) performance gave me goosebumps and the story of Johnny and June (although somewhat glossed over) was damn sweet. And it definitely got me thinking--which could be a good thing, or it could be a bad thing. In this case...I'm still not sure if it was good or bad.

My John has my heart..all of it. He never asked for it, but I'm in love--really deeply in love. And I’m scared. Because even when things are great between us, I feel like the other shoe's going to drop and I know I'm going to be the most broken hearted person in the world. He's told me that he's been in love once, and as luck would have it, it was with the girl before me. He finally ended things with her after Thanksgiving but...he's stillquietly hurting from the situation, and I can kind of tell this in his vulnerable moments. He asked her to marry him and not to leave him. She went away to another state basically to just ski and party. For the next year of their relationship, he was at her emotional beck and call...she called him, and he flew down to be with her (when she moved to yet another state). During their entire(nearly two year) relationship they spent only five months in the same state. And this is the one woman he's ever been in love with? Uggh. I'm sorry, but I know that I'm a better quality of person who would never treat him (or anyone that I claimed to like or even love) like that! And to top it off, she's been attempting to reach out to him again. She called him from Florida to let him know that her dog died. I mean, ok…he did spend quite a bit of time with the dog and all, but c'mon woman, give me a chance!! I guess that’s the point, not to give me a chance...she's seen pictures of us on Myspace together and I'm guessing she felt the need to try to rope him back into a little more heartache.

Yesterday as we were lying in bed he was looking into my face and he asked me what was wrong. I told him quietly, "I'm jealous of R_________."He kissed my forehead and said, "Don't be jealous of her. She wasn't what I wanted. I thought she was, but it turned out that she wasn't. Why are you jealous?" And my reply was simple, "Because she had your heart..." The unfinished part of the sentence "...and I don't". I thought I did for a litle there, but now, not so much.

I don't know how it's possible for me to feel so close to him, and yet at the same time I feel like there's a part of him that's closed off to me. I can deal with it closed off for now, but not forever. I'm in too deep to turn away now, so I'm going to be patient and wait to see if John's going to heal up and let me in or not. I mean, I can only win or lose right?

So it started as a joke. John and I were making fun of T because she got this text message from the guy that she's seeing that said, "I can still taste you."

Ok. I guess he was trying to be sexy...or maybe even cute with that message, but pardon the pun, it left a bad taste in all our mouths. John said, "In order to have phone sex via text message you have to be so over the top and funny, so as not to be cheesy or corny...or just plain gross." I looked at him, "Oh yeah? I think you'll have to demonstrate this technique for me."

And so now all day while at work, I've been furtively glancing at my cell phone, reading the texts and giggling like a virgin. The messages have been so fun, I haven't been grossed out at all...and quite frankly, I can't wait until tomorrow!!

So I guess over the top is the way to do it!

(I bet some of you pervs would like to hear what they said huh? ha ha...I started to type out the transcript but it just seemed like a bit of a betrayal to me...so you'll have to use your imaginations. Just remember, he likes to use the naughty teacher fantasy--me in pigtails and my black framed glasses...)

Friday Night: John arrived at my house promptly at 7:30, we drove over to Chelle's house where everyone was waiting for us. John made me some of the stiffest drinks I've ever tasted in my life, I scarfed down some pizza, blew out some candles (mmm carrot cake...I love it!) and then we moved on over to thitwbar.
At thitwbar we got ourselves a very large table in the back and we amused ourselves with picture taking, trophy holding (there are lots of old trophies that the bar leagues had won in the years past just sitting there dying to be held like Oscars), and pink tiara wearing (ok, that was me).
John leaned over to me when there was a slight lull in the cackling (ok, again that was me) and asked me if I wanted to run out with him to get something from the car...ha ha...yeah, so we scampered outside. I guess this was my real birthday present! We had a little scare. Through the fogged windows I saw red and blue flashing lights...quickly, I put my pants back on and threw John out of the car. As it turned out, we weren't in trouble, someone else in the parking lot was...the person who drove their car right into another car!

Friday ended with everyone coming back to my place and partying late into the night...although, I was in bed a lot earlier than everyone else... I think.

Saturday:
Surprisingly, I woke up hangover free...and starving! We decided to have a little BBQ out on my deck. John and T went out early and purchased a couple cases of beer, tons of groceries (did I ever tell you that my refrigerator is a place where good food goes to die? I always forget to look there when I'm hungry!!) The little BBQ that started around 11am, went until about 9pm. At 9, we had the brilliant idea to go back to thitwbar, because um...we weren't drunk enough apparently. Cr, T and I went upstairs to attempt to put makeup on; while the boys, John and Chris looked for clean shirts. I should've known that John was going to be in no condition for the bar when he laid next to me on my bed while the girls were putting their makeup on and told me all the wonderful things about our sex lives, as well as what makes me so wonderful as an individual in general...but no, I didn't heed my own intuition.

We probably stayed at the bar for about two hours, and in that time, John sat on my lap at one point ( he nearly weighs twice my weight), he was coaxed into drinking a glass of hotsauce with a dash of vodka in it (by the bartender), he hugged about 90% of the bar, we both professed our undying love for each other (which is when I knew he was drunk), etc. We decided it would be best if we would head home and left Cr, Chris, T and her boyfriend to fend for themselves...John and I were done for the evening. Both of us conked out and snoring at 12:30am.

Sunday and Monday's fun to follow!!!

Tonight is the kick off of a birthday weekend extravaganza! See, it's my birthday today, and it's T's birthday on Sunday...so we're going all out.

The plan is to go over to Chelle's for beer and pizza, so that I can hang out with my friends who are pregnant and don't feel like entering the smoky barrooms that we will be attending. Then we will mosey around the Cornfield, old friends and new drinking our little faces off...pretending that I'm not 29, and that I am, in fact, 21. I wonder if I'll be able to get away with it this year...perhaps not. I think I look 22 this year, haha.

The amount of love shown to me at work today was unprecidented...four batches of pink cupcakes, a pink poster with pirates and Chuck Norris on it (Chuck Norris turned 66 today), a bouquet of pink flowers, a homemade pink shirt with a birthday slogan were among the highlights of my day. I cannot wait to surround myself with people that I love tonight...people that I've known since birth, people that I've known for 6 years, people that I've known for 6 months. I think it's going to be a very fun, very drunken weekend.

Good night, and good luck!

Last night T sits me down on the couch and says, "I don't think you should put total faith in John. I love him as a person, I think he's a great guy, I've known him for almost a lifetime now...but I don't want to see you get hurt." She paused for a moment or two, "E said that he saw John hitting on some other girl last Friday, and we didn't know if we should tell you before or after your birthday..."

So she told me before my birthday, and I'm glad she did. Flirting with people is fine, mildly hitting on people is ok too, I mean I certainly do it...but I didn't have it in me to get clarification, obviously it was enough to alarm E, so that's answer enough I suppose. I trudged to bed with a heavy heart. I had been waiting all week for Friday to come, so that I could see him, and now I have to work on perserving my heart. I'm still excited to see him because well, unfortunately I'm totally in love with him, as well as the fact that I'm not going to ruin my birthday with a fight. How is it possible that I find the guys that everyone says, "Oh he's the greatest guy ever!" and so on, and they turn out to not be the greatest guy only to me?

Happy Birthday to me.

Well Friday was a fabulous night.

At around 8pm my friends, John and I bundled up and headed down to the FQB where we boarded an old green bus for our half hour trip to yet another hole in the wall type bar. Why you ask? Because my friend was in a battle of the bands and we all wanted him to win! John was feeling a little nervous because he and Tony were in another band together and the night before John and Roommate #1 decided that they no longer wanted to continue with that band. Apparently, Tony did.

On the bus we drank like the little fish we were...on tap was a little Pabst Blue Ribbon (or what I refer to as "Punk Rock Junk Beer"), glasses of warm Jameson, warm Tequilla, and warm Captain Morgans. I remember singing the Eagles fight song (um, our bus was an old, old, old Eagles tour bus from like 1973), I remember making out with John in our bus seat and I just having a good ol' time with my girls.

About 40 mins later, we arrived at the bar. A little wobbly, we all exited the bus and trooped into the bar, ready to see our boys kick ass! John and I quickly placed an order for some loaded french fries in the hopes that it might stave off my drunkeness...I tend to forget to eat before I go out and he seems to know this! Tony's band played and T and I thought they killed. John thought they were ok, since he's a bit critical of this band...but since he didn't want Tony to stab him over the breakup of the band, he kept his thoughts between us.

After Tony's band played there was a 45min intermission where we had Dance Party, USA. T and I did our best cliche girl on girl dancing (ok sue me...ladies, I know, I hate those girls too...but at least I'm admitting it) and then I did a little dancing for John. Apparently he like my dancing since he was frantically looking for a bathroom we could run away to. Alas, they were both one stall deals and the lines were backed up.

As it turns out, Tony's band lost. It was rigged, I say! Or, in these battle of the band deals, it's really about how many patrons you bring to the bar...and the other band definitely brought more people. Yes, more people than a busload of people. Tony quickly loaded us all back into the bus as soon as word came that we lost (because we're sore losers apparently) and we commiserated with more PBR. The bus ride home was full of hi-jinx. T got covered in beer, someone was drinking beer out of her belly button, E was rolling around on the floor at one point and my friend KT made out with E's brother! Now I don't really know any of this first hand because apparently I was sitting peacefully in my seat with John, kissing and talking (according to T). Finally, we arrived back to the Cornfield.

Everyone else got off the bus and headed back into the FQB, however, John T and I headed home. We hung out for a little and then John and I decided to go for a sex marathon. I'm not kidding here...in fact, I'm not even writing this to tell you (you=any reader out there) and be some kind of exhibitionist. I'm writing this so that I can mark a moment in time. First let me say that I had myself a terrific time and then let me qualify those nearly six/seven hours of sex and countless orgasms, by saying I am having a tough time walking now! I'm sure no one feels bad for me...but I think I could've taken an hour or two back.

Next Friday to be exact...

John tried to find me my pink handled steak knives that were featured in InStyle magazine this month...when he told me last night in bed that he must've picked up the wrong InStyle (he read in a blog on myspace about my covetous need for these implements) I told he would be nuts if he bought me 12 $230 steak knives...because let's be honest, I don't cook...and I don't often make steaks. I just liked the pink handles.

He sighed with relief, "I'm buying us The Strokes tickets on Saturday and we'll be staying in Atlantic City that night..."

I think he's getting them because I played Heart in a Cage during the five days of our breakup...very very publicly.

So what do you do when you stay home sick? I'll tell you what I do...I spend the entire day hacking up a lung, drinking water, moaning and best of all? Sending topless pics to John at work...yeah, yeah I know, you should never take nude photos, so I left my head out of the pictures. Which is great because, what guy doesn't dream of a headless girl? Kidding, kidding...and um don't answer that.

So John and I are getting along and working things out, obviously. We talked all day yesterday on email while he was at work and I was doing my best at getting over being Typhoid Mary and he sent me a message, "I miss you so much. Your laugh is just a dull cackle in my soul." Which made me laugh because you either love or hate my laugh and it's unforgettable because it's deep and LOUD, neverending and sounds a bit like an old chevy turning over but never starting. I sent him a message back, "I think that I'm sick of you and your "needing space", it's infringing upon my unalienable rights to a piece of ass anytime I want it." See, now John was probably hinting at the same thing, but I'm a very straight forward kind of gal. Not to seem too crass, I added, "PS. I'd really like to kick your ass in Monopoly again too!" Hey it's no Hemingway but I worked with what I had ("write what you know" and what have you).

John had no other choice than to invite me down. Now, in his house...where we used to be able to casually have sex on the kitchen table, the counter, the hallway or the couch, there are roommates EVERYWHERE..ok, there are just two of them. Now that's ok, they're no eyesores...in fact, the one roommate, is most likely the hottest man alive. But, I don't like to be boxed in and forced to have sex on the bed in John's room all the time...and that's just the way it's going to be from now on I guess.

When I walked in the door, Roommate 1, limped down the stairs and said, "Wait! You're not coffee." To which I responded, "Why no, no I'm not..." He grinned, "No. See, I was expecting Roommate 2, and he's bringing coffee. You see, it's guy's night tonight. We're supposed to get dinner, drink beer and watch a movie together." I looked at John, who came slightly to the rescue, "Man, I have to spend time with my girl too, you know. I totally forgot it was movie night." [Movie night? Since when did they have a movie night? Oh right, when they all moved back in and took over my space...thhhhaaat's when movie night started]. So, I did the magnanimous thing and said, "Well let's finish this game and then go grab something to eat and you'll have time to get back for um...movie night." Now while I said this, I grabbed John's thigh so he knew that there was one crucial element missing from my timeline...the sex.

We played Monopoly, and then John leaned over and said with a smirk, "Hey. I've gotten something cool in my room I want to show you." To which I raised my eyebrow and said, "Oh yeah? It better not be another Star Wars action figure!" and then we ran up the stairs and slammed the door behind us. Roommate 1 and Roommate 2 were kind enough to give us privacy (although I believe the high volume of the Strokes on the stereo and the closed door were probably enough) and went on a bike ride. The whole experience kind of reminded me of college when you had to scrape for any morsel of privacy...but it was still fun. And I guess it was kind of part of the appeal.

We went out, grabbed a bite to eat and while we were eating I decided that I was going to go home after dinner so that they could still "salvage" Guy's Night. Hey, I'm a saint, what can I say? As we were walking down the street towards home, we talked about plans for Friday. As it turns out, our friend is in a Battle of the Bands, and his band rented a huge bus for all of us drunks to be transported over to the bar in. For the grand total of $15, we get all we can drink for the ride over, a t shirt, cover into the bar and a safe ride to and from the bar. I can't wait, not only will I get to listen to some good punk rock, I'll be with all my best friends (minus Chelle, who has to work this weekend...screw you and your charity work, you whore! he he) and my favorite man. I can hardly wait.

It kind of feels nice that things are going back to normal and that John isn't fighting it anymore.

So I set the bait (the photo...which was nothing but a harmless pic of me in pigtails smirking), I get the texts and emails and then I waited for him to come.

I had butterflies in my stomach. What was I going to do when he walked in the door? Was I supposed to hug him? Did I want to hug him? Did I want to punch him in the balls? Why did I lure him up here when I wasn't sure...I mean I was sure that I was in love with him and that I didn't want to give up...but what if he gave up for real, and it wasn't just confusion? What if he just wanted to get laid? Did I want to get laid? (Affirmative). And then I heard his car pull up and I waited to see how I would feel when he walked in the door. Without knocking, as if he were home he stepped inside my house and looked shyly at me. We said our hellos and we hugged deeply. I closed my eyes and felt like everything was ok. Even though, everything was not ok. Not yet.

We sat on the couch, awkwardly...our thighs touching, him lacing my fingers in his. "Is this weird?" he asked. "Well yeah, it's weird, but it's ok...we can't pretend that it's not weird." Let's go get something to eat. And I think I need a few drinks in me to talk to you freely without being nervous.

I hopped off the couch and he grabbed me, and kissed me. A long, slow,deep kiss, but it wasn't totally right. It felt great, and then our teeth hit. I took this opportunity to run out of the door and we headed for lunch at thitwbar. Once there, we started talking. I was right. The breakup was due to the crazy aneuretic pressure cooker, aka his head. To make the long story short, he freaked and I suffered for it. And then I made him suffer for it. For about an hour I regaled him with all the things that made me cry, hurt or miss him over the previous five days. Then my food came and I munched happily knowing that he understood the impact of his decision.

We talked more, played some pinball, drank a little more and we came to the decision that he needs to talk to me more, tell me what's on his mind and what he needs. So far, it's been going ok. We're taking things back to the beginning. It's not exactly what I would've wanted, but the plus side is...he's missing me more! Keep your fingers crossed for me. I enter into this new amalgum of a relationship with a cautious heart but an open mind.

PS. Make up sex was phenomenal...and we broke the couch just a little more!! Don't you love when I toss in a random line like that in?

More on this later...I have the flu and I must lay down and die...that is all.