The State of the Union Address...
Here's how I'm living as of today...
Still crying a lot. Less, but the tears still come. It kind of feels like the crazy, hormonal period right before my period...except less pickle juice is consumed.
Avoiding mirrors. Makeup has been non-existant for days, so as not to look like any member of Kiss or like Alice Cooper. Let's hope my daddy wasn't lying about my natural beauty, ha ha.
Avoiding people. Aside from work, I've been running home as soon as my time here is up and curling up in a ball on my couch. The dog officially hates me, as she keeps bringing me balls, socks and anything else that she can cram into her mouth. She then comes to me and dumps her offerings on my lap as if I were her favorite goddess. I play for about a minute and then I roll over and face the couch cushions, heartlessly listening to her whine for attention. I feel incapable of love and only capable of self-pity.
Attempting to memorize everything. It's in my nature to try to review everything that has occurred between John and myself...the good and the bad. Perhaps it's the writer in me, perhaps it's the glutton for punishment in me. As I lay facing the couch cushion that once gave me a lovely spot of brush burn on my forehead, I review little memory movies. I guess it's part of my process, but I'm not sure it's all that helpful...because this is when the tears flow the most.
Avoiding alcohol and cigarettes. I have a tendency to lean toward self destruction when things aren't going well in my life. Nearly every stupid mistake I've made in my life has been because I've decided to raze my life and start again in the burning ashes. I'm not sure I'd survive another razing...
Avoiding food. The bonus of this ordeal is that I've probably lost 8lbs in the past few days. Every time I've tried to eat, I've thrown up. Last night I kept a few pretzels down...other than that it's been water and Diet Coke all the way.
Avoiding men. Another part of my self destruction is to fuck my way back to happy. I mean that's why I used to keep all those ex's close by. They didn't add any more numbers on the ol' whore chart, they were familiar and absolutely innocuous. These were men that could never touch, nor hurt my heart. A bonus from my time with John is that I dumped their numbers from my phone and didn't even bother writing them down. I was happy about it then, because I was happy really, reallyhappy. Now I'm just happy because I'm not turning to the comfort of the medicinal fuck.
Avoiding the future beyond a few hours from now. I'm fine alone. I mean I nearly avoided dating altogether for 3-4 years, aside from the short relationships that I knew were doomed to fail. I'm actually better than self-sufficient (at least I'd like to think). But there's a difference between wanting independence and having your independence thrust upon you. I was looking forward to sharing my life with someone...someone to help me out and someone I could help. This doesn't go well with my fear of dying alone, without anyone loving me. I'm almost an orphan in this world. Hence the reason why I avoid thinking beyond 10 am.
Still crying a lot. Less, but the tears still come. It kind of feels like the crazy, hormonal period right before my period...except less pickle juice is consumed.
Avoiding mirrors. Makeup has been non-existant for days, so as not to look like any member of Kiss or like Alice Cooper. Let's hope my daddy wasn't lying about my natural beauty, ha ha.
Avoiding people. Aside from work, I've been running home as soon as my time here is up and curling up in a ball on my couch. The dog officially hates me, as she keeps bringing me balls, socks and anything else that she can cram into her mouth. She then comes to me and dumps her offerings on my lap as if I were her favorite goddess. I play for about a minute and then I roll over and face the couch cushions, heartlessly listening to her whine for attention. I feel incapable of love and only capable of self-pity.
Attempting to memorize everything. It's in my nature to try to review everything that has occurred between John and myself...the good and the bad. Perhaps it's the writer in me, perhaps it's the glutton for punishment in me. As I lay facing the couch cushion that once gave me a lovely spot of brush burn on my forehead, I review little memory movies. I guess it's part of my process, but I'm not sure it's all that helpful...because this is when the tears flow the most.
Avoiding alcohol and cigarettes. I have a tendency to lean toward self destruction when things aren't going well in my life. Nearly every stupid mistake I've made in my life has been because I've decided to raze my life and start again in the burning ashes. I'm not sure I'd survive another razing...
Avoiding food. The bonus of this ordeal is that I've probably lost 8lbs in the past few days. Every time I've tried to eat, I've thrown up. Last night I kept a few pretzels down...other than that it's been water and Diet Coke all the way.
Avoiding men. Another part of my self destruction is to fuck my way back to happy. I mean that's why I used to keep all those ex's close by. They didn't add any more numbers on the ol' whore chart, they were familiar and absolutely innocuous. These were men that could never touch, nor hurt my heart. A bonus from my time with John is that I dumped their numbers from my phone and didn't even bother writing them down. I was happy about it then, because I was happy really, reallyhappy. Now I'm just happy because I'm not turning to the comfort of the medicinal fuck.
Avoiding the future beyond a few hours from now. I'm fine alone. I mean I nearly avoided dating altogether for 3-4 years, aside from the short relationships that I knew were doomed to fail. I'm actually better than self-sufficient (at least I'd like to think). But there's a difference between wanting independence and having your independence thrust upon you. I was looking forward to sharing my life with someone...someone to help me out and someone I could help. This doesn't go well with my fear of dying alone, without anyone loving me. I'm almost an orphan in this world. Hence the reason why I avoid thinking beyond 10 am.
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