My one friend sent this message to us all today...below you will find our responses, of course, we aimed to allay her fears and to help her in the best way we knew how. That way was to discuss 90's trashy tv. I hope it worked.

I am getting a complex.
Several people lately have commented on how "thin" I am. It just was a topic of conversation in the office. It is really starting to give me a complex and make me think something is wrong with me.
Do I look too skinny and/or sickly and or frail?

The facts:
I have lost 2 lbs in the past few weeks. I have dropped down a pant size.
I have not tried.
I do not eat A LOT but I do not watch what I eat either.
I am in my healthy weight range for my height.

Honest thoughts please?

From Nik:

Honestly, I noticed you've lost a lot of weight. I however, didn't/don't think you have an eating disorder or that you look sickly. I don't think you should lose more weight though because then you might be too thin. You also could afford to gain a few pounds and still look great. What matters is what you think and if you are being healthy, you know your body and if you are eating enough.
Do you think you're losing weight due to stress? When I'm stressed I also tend to lose weight and am not as hungry cause I'm on edge. For other people it's the opposite.

From the original writer Kel:

I have been stressed for a long time now. Like since May
It is one thing after another
And I do tend to lose weight when I am stressed.
I do eat just not A LOT.
I dunno, I think I am okay but people commenting a lot is getting to me

I guess I will just watch and see if I keep losing or just maintain

From Nik again:

Yeah maybe just keep an eye on it and try not to lose anymore (not saying that you are trying to lose weight) I can relate, when I was in college my Junior year, [husband's name] and I had just broken up, my grandfather died not too long after and I lost almost 20 pounds. People kept talking about it, but I wasn't doing it on purpose. I was very paranoid about it and my roommate had a big talk about how she was concerned that I was losing so much weight. Similar to what you are saying, I ate, just not a lot and had basketball everyday so worked off what I ate really quickly. When I started to feel better I gradually put my normal body weight back on.

And scre* those old biddies in the office. What matters is that you're healthy. Just make sure you're taking care of yourself even though it's hard when things are stressful. Soon things will get better and you'll be feeling like your old self. And if you need me to beat anyone up for you, insurance people, office people, just give me a holla!

From me getting mushy:

awww...I love you guys. I love how Nik's ready to throw down for Kel. I feel safe, for when the old ladies say that I'm getting too thin--oh wait, that's not going to happen any time soon ;)

From Nik:
Yeah I'm a good friend to have on your side. A lot of jealous bitches hated my roommate in college, so when these little girls would come up and scream at her at the bar I'd stand right behind her like "is there a problem here" Then some of my basketball girls would then be behind me towering over me..needless to say the girls didn't have much to say to my roommate after that. I'm so bad ass, even though the last fist fight I was in was in 5th grade.


From Jules:

Yeah, I feel that.
Kel, keep in mind, some of it is jealous.
I wish the weight fell off me!
I tend to eat when stressed! ;-(

From me:
I would kill to look like you Kel, both pre and post pregnancy. And we all know what a rumor mill this place is anyways, they want it to be like Melrose Place. maybe you should go in and make out with [boss' name]?

From Jacks:

Hahaha. That was hilarious. And Melina, you should get amnesia and think that [co-worker who we make the punchline of every joke] is actually your husband.

From me:

he's not?? I was thinking that Ml could remove her wig to reveal her scars from where the doctors performed radical surgery.

From Jacks:

Haha. And maybe you and I could kill our arch nemesis, who was you ex-husband, and bury the body, only to later find out he wasn't really dead. Then he would torment you until you lost your mind.

From Ml:
don't forget about my evil twin.
She is much heavier than me and hasnt been seen in about 3 years.

From me:
PS. Jack Wagner, if you're out there. I still love you and I always will.

Which makes me think of another little TV show that's near and dear to my heart:

Thank you for being a friend

Traveled down the road and back again
Your heart is true your a pal and a confidant.

And if you through a party
Invited everyone you ever knew
You would see the biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say thank you for being a friend.

I was about elbow deep in a research study/paper that I am forced to write. I'm on page 14 and I'm not even close to being halfway done. So pardon the lack of posting but typing (and thinking) has lost it's appeal for me right now. I shall return. Same Bat-time. Same Bat-place later today...hopefully.

But... I DID plan, and I still failed.

John's been getting hit hard this week by his grueling commute so I had a great idea! I was going to sneak down to the city, buy him some flowers on the corner where he often gets me some. I was going to send him a text a quarter to five alerting him to the fact that I was waiting for him downstairs and then, "Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong" would play and I would pick him up and carrying him...he'd take off my officer's cap and....wait, that's the plot from An Officer and A Gentleman. Anyways, he'd come down and I would give him his flowers and take him to dinner and the movies so that he could avoid the commute home and we'd go home when the traffic was long gone.

Well...I had a meeting after work today. That meeting was supposed to last 45 mins. It last nearly two hours and I just got home. Surprise spoiled. And I feel bad. I will try to romance my husband again sometime soon.

I think it's cruel and unusual that I introduce John to "Othello" last night and he kicks my ass in mere minutes...am I not mortal? Do I not have an ego???

Similarly, I believe they (they, being the people who do such things) will strip me of my degree in English if they ever find out that when playing scrabble last night my "big" words of the evening were, "Hoards, Quell, Nut, Rum and Teat". Obviously, I lost that game too...by quite a large margin.

That being said, it's a priceless moment when you triumphantly lay down the tiles T-E-A-T and both you and your main squeeze can't stop laughing.

Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee did it, Paris Hilton and Rick Solomon did it, Tayna Harding and Jeff Gilooly (unfortunately did it), and so too did Melina and Johnny this weekend. You will never see the video but I want to offer a few tips.

If you choose to make a sex tape you have to realize a few things:

a) Sometimes "you" (meaning me) will make very concerned faces when giving a blow job. Seriously, at one point, I was convinced that I had been involved in a matter of national security after seeing my pursed brows and my extremely serious looks upwards (aka "the fish eye). After today, I swear that I will not approach the act as if I was trying to figure out a puzzle such as World Peace. John swears that he will work on his breathing---because he was holding the camera he ended up sounding like an asthmatic without an inhaler. I'm sure if the microphone hadn't been within two inches of his face he wouldn't have sounded like such.

b) We've established this weekend that it's true that if you use "night vision" like Paris and Rick Solomon did, it will look eerie--similar to two phantoms banging in the night( the only difference between us and Paris and Rick? My collar bones could never cut anyone and John made sex less of a chore as opposed to Rick and Paris--sorry if you've never seen the tape---you're not missing anything. Oh and I didn't stop mid-anything to take a phone call, that's just rude)...however, it makes sense to use the night vision setting if you're staging part of your sex tape on the stairs of your house and there's a huge window that looks out onto the street. Sure, the idea of voyeurism can be sexy sometimes, but not when you know that your neighbor across the street will be making your next hoagie at Wawa for you...and, he's a bit weird, AND he propositioned both you and a friend back when you were both single and offered you "wacky tobacckey" as long as you let him "hang out" at your house because his wife was "a bore"...Needless to say, we turned him down and even more needless to say, I don't really need him to be seeing my ass any time soon...a little thin lace curtain seems hardly a deterrent.

c) Your partner might have a hard time holding the camera and maintaining balance while fornicating on the stairs. Find a partner with sound equilibrium or a man who knows his limits.

d) Keep in mind, when you make a sex tape you will see certain body parts in a way that you never dreamed was possible. Nature seems to work in a very special way, you can only see so much of your own ass and that's probably for a reason. From certain angles I was heard murmurring, "Oh my, my ass is adorable!" and for the first time in my life, I was pleased with my ass. John was also heard saying, "Look at my dick!" (as in, "My dick looks phenomenal", or "I always knew my dick was the Hammer of the Gods") but like all good things, too much is bad. Later, I was heard saying "Oh MY GOD, LET'S ALL HYPERVENTILATE BECAUSE MY GARGANTUAN ASS IS GOING TO TAKE OVER THE CITY!!!!" Seriously, it was horrifying. John must have the eye of Larry Flint or something because whenever he set up the camera I looked alright...surely not porn star material but I guess better than your average bear (Larry Flint is probably not a good example since Hustler has never been accused of being artistic in style). When I took my turn at setting up the camera I managed to capture my ass in ZOOM and it filled up the screen in all its flawed full whiteness...I've seen smaller full moons.

e) Don't stop mid session to see how your film is going...you may not want to continue after you accidentally hit the zoom feature and saw your gargantuan ass on tape.

f) It's all about the lighting.

g) It may cause you to go on a diet.

h) You'll probably be willing to make another tape soon, but you'll choose your angles wisely.

I took a personal day tomorrow and I invited John to do the same with me. If he did, I envisioned us all wrapped up in the blankets, or at least I would be (see post below) until at least 7:45 am (that's late for me...I want to sleep until 10 but we'll see about that) snuggling and smooching. When we get up I picture us doing random things that aren't fun like getting my car inspected or working on my stupid paper and then doing fun things like painting our bedroom, snuggling on the couch watching movies, having food fights and wet towel snapping fights, making chocolate chip cookies... and well you get the picture, all kinds of stupid things!

So I sent him an email with a lovey dovey poem in it hoping to wear him down and to take a day off. I get this back:

A haiku:

Friday rain drips cool

A snuggled nest of reprieve

husband wife and dog

I took off tomorrow! J

So, I'm doing a little work and I have the TV on in the background...it's a commercial for wrestling. Woo! (roll of eyes) but then I look up again and I see some guy holding a sign that reads:

Melina Hogs The Covers!

and so now I'm wondering why John's selling all of my secrets to Vince McMahon.

When you're watching TV with your husband and he asks you, "Do you want to spoon?"

And you reply, "Why? What do you have?? Why do I need a spoon?"

Seriously, my stomach is a bottomless pit this week and it's doing nothing for my hips.

One- John is one fucking lucky ass man. Why you ask? Aside from being married to me (why must I restate the obvious), I am sitting here waiting for him to come home from work sprawled on the couch with a wine colored three quarter length shirt, a pair of his old plaid (green and red if you must know) boxers, a pink sock, a black sock and a messy side pony tail. I put all his porn sluts to shame. At least my legs are shaved. Go me!!

(obviously I'm not leaving the house any time soon...if I do...I might be persuaded to put pants on, then again I've been persuaded to leave them off too. It could go either way, really.)

Two- Today a girl said, "Take you hair out of your ponytail, your hair's so pretty when it's down". So I did as commanded (because I'm vain and I like my hair too); while do so I did the obligatory hair shake. Immediately, Hot For Teacher came into my head and I realized I had just done a hair flip worthy of Tawny Kittain on a car kind of move...I immediately put my hair back up before there was a Dateline feature about me and said, "It's too hot to have it down" and went back to babbling about how important it is to articulate your words.

(Please note, I'm nothing but proper at work, not a MaryKay LeTourneaux thought in my mind EVER...but it was just a funny second there).

It's so tough now that I'm blocked from work. I can read blogs but I can't blog. I get this amazing idea and then I forget it because...well, I can't blog from work. So we'll have to settle for some quick updates and I promise just to start writing my stuff at work and then transfer it later so that none of my witty thoughts get lost.

What to do When There's Nowhere to Poo

John and I have been renovating our upstairs bathroom since June. We made the conscious decision not to work on it until we have money for it so that we stop racking up the credit card bills...that means that we only have one toilet in the house that's working. The other night, that toilet's seat decided to pop off. John eloquently put it, as I perch on it precariously, "We're running out of places to poop around here!" and he's not kidding!!! Luckily, I got paid yesterday so I'm buying us a new seat to place our seats on this weekend.


The Master Quoiters

This weekend, we will be participating in another "friendly" quoit tournament. Last time, it was just over six gazillion degrees and we were hungover/trying to stay hydrated and we were knocked out of a double elimination with a one two punch. This Saturday, after I proctor a fun five hour test known as the SAT, we will once again try to hold our own...or at least beat one team!! Go Team Awesome!!! (that's our team...and our name? Well, it's a little ironic because we kinda far from awesome).

BCT

Bitches Coming Together (the girls I work with) will be holding another meeting on Monday, this time the theme is October Fest. I'm literally drooling in anticipation for good German beer and potato pancakes...oh, my poor thighs, they hate me.

Sexy Time

I'm still trying to decide if we're ready for a baby. Some days I totally am, and then some days I look at my bank statement and think, "Yeah dude, it doesn't matter if you're ready, your money really isn't." So yeah, I think I'm ovulating this weekend and for once instead of being jealous of all my pregnant friends (you know who you are!! Cr, Chelle and Tash!!) I'm ready for a lot of sexy time with Johnny...with no thoughts of conception whatsoever. So, prepare yourself, brace yourself...do whatever you have to do John, because in some of the immortal words of Ice Cube, you will be putting your back into it! I'm just sayin'!!

Savings and Loan

John and Melina are trying to be good little boys and girls by avoiding the bars at all costs so that we have a little spending money rather than breaking even every week (don't fear, John's stacking away lots o' cash towards retirement too...and I, well...at least I have a pension...). It's going to be rough to stay out of thitwbar, but hopefully we can manage. The first weekend is always the hardest. Hey! You try turning down anywhere from 6-15 of your closest/drunkest friends when they come begging you to head up to a bar that's a block and a half away from your house. We may have to turn off our phones, lock our doors and sit in the dark.

And yeah...that's what's going on in my neck of the woods.