This is blog of a woman who didn't know what she wanted and so chased after dreams and men in search of the answers...drunken hilarity ensued. Then one day she met a man who was everything she wanted, but he wasn't so sure. Then she did the unthinkable; after they broke up she gave him this blog address and she let him into her mind as well as her heart. Unbelievably, even after sorting through the sordid archives of failed relationships, one night stands and her lusty (and embarassing) pursuit to secure the heart of a certain young line cook, John somehow managed to fall in love with her too. Melina and John were married a little over six months after they started dating, running away to Las Vegas to seal the deal. You can imagine what the over/under bet was to see if they'd even make it a year!! Over a year later and they are still going strong...this blog has become their story. Need to tell me something? Email me at Melinalovesjohnny at gmail dot com
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Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Sometimes when you ask the questions, you really don't want the answers
Let's watch as our heroine finds out the hard way, that she doesn't want the answer to her questions.

In response to my text from the post below:

Todd: She's partially moved in.

So I thought it was only fair if I sent a text back that said, "So I guess this means that we're not going to be having those babies..."

Todd: Funny girl...I was hoping you were drunk when you heard that message. Who knows we still might.

Me: Well I'm done texting you, calling you and talking with you until the next time you guys break up and she moves out (wow that's not quite the empowered woman speech that I was hoping to type, but it was honest) no conjugal visits and no babies ok? Hopefully I'll talk to you sooner than later and good luck. I hope you made the right choice and make her happy, don't be trying to cheat on her all the time.
Ask A Question, Get No Answers...or As the stones said, "You Can't Always Get What you want"
So I was bored tonight and when I'm bored I do stupid things. Yeah I have stuff to do for work but I chose not to. I asked Cr and Chelle to do something but both were unable due to the fact that they must have some kind of lives that I just don't have so...

so I sent Todd a text message to see if he wanted to go out with me, just for a beer...well because we all know what follows I sent him a nice casual text message because the next best thing to being with an ex, is well, to be friends with an ex. I always like it, call me crazy. The text message read as follows:
So did the gf move in? If so, I doubt you will be hanging out anytime soon, you'll be so busy moving her stuff in :). But...if she hasn't yet, give me a call if you want to grab a beer. I'm bored and I feel like being out with the general riff raff. You should feel so honored. Ha ha.

Of course, no message. Guess she's moved in.
But remember I don't care. Right? Right...right...just gotta remember that.
Whew... One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, But Now She's Back
I don't know what memory lane I was tripping down but... I'm back, no longer desiring to trip down the daisy path with Todd. I was PMSing, I freely admit it. I also freely admit that I do desire Todd, however, I'm not demented enough to think that he and that poor girl that he's been dating on and off will ever actually break up. So, disregard my previous couple of posts about him. He's still the smarmy man he always was, and I'm still the moron that always likes him :)
Monday, May 30, 2005
Another Weekend Without Ass
Well as it turned out I didn't achieve my "goal" of getting a man naked and in my bed. Although, my weekend really wasn't conducive for this. All of my friends were either at the beach or with family so I spent the majority of the weekend alone. As it turned out, this was great because I caught up on my sleep, my pleasure reading, and of course, the boatload of work that I have to do. Perhaps not all that exciting but personally rewarding I guess. Plus next weekend I'm going to the beach with my girlfriends from work. Woot!

I came close to getting ass though (although I guess close only counts in horseshoes and handgrenades even in this instance right?), I would've taken full advantage of Todd if it hadn't been for the meddling S! That was more than a little agravating for both of us. Todd sent me a bunch of text messages yesterday from his cousin's graduation party. Most of them were just apologizing for not being able to seal the deal. One was about how we should just tell S, and then another one said, "Maybe we shouldn't, he'll probably hack us into little bits!" (so guys, if I get hacked into little bits just tell the police that S did it...S does not stand for Steve, Stan or Sean...Chelle, I'm leaving you in charge of revealing his real name to the police).
And then of course, as the beer began to the flow at the party, I received lots of dirty messages to the point where I knew that he wouldn't be coming home to do the things his phone was telling me about because he was drunk as a skunk.

This was confirmed later by a late night message from him that went a little something like this..." Mmmmmmmmelina. M. What are you doing? (notice he's talking to me while he's leaving a message) I wish you could come pick me up at [cousin's name] I want to _____ and ____ and ______ to your body. You're sooooo pretty. I don't know why I alllllllllwaysssss fuck (mumbling in the background) "Sorry Mom" (great he's leaving me this message with his mom in the background? Mom of Todd, take the phone away from him!!!) screw things up with you...We'd have pretty children with long dark hair and hopefully your pretty blue green eyes. I wouldn't want them to have my brown eyes, although you always say they are nice (at this point he's rambling semi-incoherently, and I basically pieced that bit together after listening to the message three times). They'd only have long dark hair if they were girls, otherwise it would be short if they were boys. We'd do their hair like mine, short and spikey (we're having kids now? I wonder how your ex/girlfriend would feel about that? I don't think she'll be that happy and I doubt you'd be able to BS your way through that one). Mmmmmmmm, (not as in mmm but in the first initial of my name) I think I'm going bald..., I'm not supposed to go bald because my grandfather on my mom's side has way more hair than I do...but my dad and my dad's dad are patchy haired bastards...I'm going to be a patchy haired bastard. Can you deal with that?[muttering in the background, and then I hear this] 'I'm talking to M. What do you mean I'm making an ass of myself? I said what? About babies? Fuck no I didn't! I mean sorry Mom.'
Beep. (my phone cut him off, as he learned from his mom of all people that he expressed a desire to have dark haired children with me).

I definitely got a chuckle out of that one. And well I guess I received a great message from one of Todd's personalities, the one that's going through an early mid-life crisis that wants to have children with me before he becomes a patchy haired bastard. Ha ha. I love drunks. They are so fun. Especially when the drunk isn't me, and I am able to make fun of them. I deleted the message and I don't think I'll be so mean as to mention it to him. I don't even think he'd believe it if Idid tell him.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
But He Was Mine First...
I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not sure if I'm just lonely, or if I want some validation but...I can't get my mind of Todd; and not in the way that I usually think about input activity partner only. I'm thinking of him in a mooney, lovey dovey kind of way. Like last night when he whispered in my ear, "Do you remember the first time we met?" and I nodded, he continued, "I remember thinking, 'That girl has the most soulful eyes in the world and they are swallowing me whole.' Had we been serious back then, I would've been ruined by you." I just smiled and nodded, because I was totally ruined by him, pulling away before he hurt me undeniably.

This is bad. He's bad. We're bad together, but I'm drawn to the idea...even though I'm sure he'll be moving his ex/girlfriend into his apartment by week's end. Fuck. Why do I have these epiphanies about four years too late?
So Sleepy
Last night I went to bed at 11:30 feeling like a loser. Ry was at a party (someone we're not mutual friends of) and everyone else was wherever they were. I watched some Law & Order and just felt boring and under sexed. Then my phone rings. It's Todd. I resist the urge to pick it up, in fact I run to the bathroom to stay away from it. Then I listen to the message and I melt...not in the sex way, but in the "aw, I miss my friend". Again, I resist. He sends me a text message. I'm not a rock, I sent him one back...we decide to meet up at the one bar that was open this holiday weekend. I won't lie, I put on nice panties for the meeting.

I get there, and S is there too. This isn't a shock in any way, but it's always a roadblock for Todd and I because we try to hide the fact (from S, no one else) that we sleep together still after four years. S still likes me, even though I broke up with him and I have never under any circumstances, even considered going back for even a little "taste", he would definitely have some negative feelings. Since I didn't meet up with them until after 12, I only had one beer and then decided that getting drunk wasn't one of my priorities of the night. Especially since I told my mom the day before that I would go with her to my grandmother's house.

We went back to Todd's apartment to play Texas Hold 'Em with a group of other people. Todd was holding my hand and telling me how he and the on-again-off-again wanted to move in with him now that his roommate moved out and how he thought it was a big mistake. They went away together on a trip that he won from his company and according to him "it was a disaster". I'm so used to his crap about this girl. He never outright cheats on her, he takes the easy way out and waits until they have these little mini break ups. And that's when he and I hook up. b It's stupid I know, your favorite pair of jeans--fits just right and makes your ass look great-that's Todd. In a way, we should've never broken up. But in a way, I'm glad that I only have to put up with his BS when i choose to.

[minor aside- I saw J out and he totally DENIED me. It should've been expected since I haven't called him back at all since he started calling me again, but I just wanted to make sure that he was clean before I did...and all the reports that I got said otherwise. Well I saw him, he waved, I went over to give him a hug and he turned out of the hug...oops...I looked like an ass. We talked for a couple of minutes and then I bailed, he was a little icy with me (understandably so). Once I left him though, he stared at me for the rest of the time I was standing at the bar. I could tell though that he was 'amused' [read pissed] that I was the only girl with seven guys...he read more into it than it was. I was sad when I left the bar because J is a good looking, sweet guy but I ended things there because he was doing way too many drugs for me].

At Todd's we played Hold 'Em, I actually ended up losing but I was the third to last person out. Todd and his one friend ended up splitting the pot because it was four am and no one wanted to continue. I couldn't believe it was 4 and I thought it might be high time that I mosey back to my house and/or figure out a way to get a few minutes alone with Todd (which we attempted several times and we were thwarted every time! Damn. As if I wasn't frustrated already!) We sat next to each other on the couch and he kept touching me, but S wouldn't 6 I couldn't take it anymore I just wanted to go home. I couldn't sit there and get all worked up for two hours with no pay off! Who could?

S dropped me off, and Todd called me as soon as I stepped in my door. Of course he just voiced my own thoughts about S being out very own chaperone and then we proceeded to have phone sex. It wasn't the same, but at least I went to sleep (at 7am) with a smile on my face.

On another note, my mother is definitely going to kill me as if she wasn't pissed off at me already! She called a 8:30 and obviously, I slept through that phone call. Well she must've gone to my grandmother's without me. I woke up at 11:30 (which is nuts since I usually get up at 7!) and saw that she called my I called her home phone and left a message saying that I had just woken up and that I hadn't been drinking the night before (which is the truth) that I just got in late. It's not going to help anything, she's still going to kick my 28 year old ass from here to kingdom come...sometimes it's not good to be close to your mom. This is one of those times.
Saturday, May 28, 2005
The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow? Let's F'ing Hope So
So my plan to slay the members of the opposite sex and have my way with them has well...not taken off. This has nothing to do with my womanly wiles, nor my outward physical appearance, nor my charm or wit. The problem is, I haven't left my home except to go to the gym last night, and to the gym this morning. Oh and an ill-fated trip to Wawa (local convenience store for my foreign friends) with my mom who stopped by to drop off a blanket that's too big for me to wash in my washing machine.

Last night I had nothing to do. I was thinking of calling Ry but for some reason I thought he was away. Chelle was with her sister, Cr with her fiance, Ml at yet another music I settled down with the TV and my book. I shifted back and forth between the two for a couple of hours and then I went to bed. Oooh how exciting! Ry text messaged me at 1:09 am to see where I in which bar, obviously he was in a carousing mood. Unfortunately for the both of us, I was sound asleep. I would've gotten out of bed to go drinking, because that's how bored I was.

This morning I went to the gym and then afterwards my mom came over. We had a small skirmish today. It's not often that we fight but today was a doozy. I'm not even sure I know what it was all about. She said some pretty mean things about "Understanding why I'm single...since I'm so rude, and that I only care about myself" and then she went into Wawa. The great thing about my mom is that when she says mean things she instantly feels horrible. She came out with coffee for herself and a salad for me. She set it next to me and began a truce. The truce lasted a whole block and then she started laying into me again. When I got out of the car I told her, "Keep your damn salad!" (because when I fight with my mom I reduce myself to a 9 year old brat) In response to this my mom screams, "No!" and flings the sealed salad out the window onto my lawn. Not allowing her the final "throw" or say, I grabbed the salad and winged it through her car window and snarled, "Take it!!" and she flicked it back out the window and said, "Then throw it away..." and drove off. We scared the small children in the neighborhood with our childlike antics. I took the salad (now properly tossed) into the house and happily munched upon it on my deck.

A few hours later, she calls me again. It starts off truce-like and then it again goes sour. She begins to chastise me for not being mature, and not taking care of my possessions (I'm not sure why this is being mentioned at all...I think it's just list Melina's faults day, in which case it's going to be a very long day)...mentioning my digital camera as an example. Knowing that she's absolutely right on this point, I do the only mature thing I can do and hang up on her.

I doubt I'll be heading out again tonight as Ry is up at Tash and Pete's house helping them with some home project they've got going on...which means that he and Pete will be drunk and smoking spliffs within minutes. Ah well, maybe I'll get to Nickel Night tomorrow and find a cutie. And maybe tomorrow my mom and I won't be so cross at each other? Let's hope.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Thank God It's Friday...and now time to get laid.
I looked at my pill case and I realized that for the first time in seven years, I have gone without sex in almost a month (26 days)! The horror (that's supposed to be a joke, kind of...the horror part)! But seriously, must I just expect that it's all down hill from here? I'm on a mission for the rest of the weekend, I've got two little pills that are cheering me on saying, "Use me for a good purpose!! Make us proud!" And really, who am I to let down my birth control pills? They need to feel as if they have a purpose you know.

Don't worry little guys, I'm on a mission. Well kind of...that is, if anyone's around and not going somewhere fun over the holiday weekend.

I'm sure I'll have a lot more stupid posts to follow this one if my weekend turns out to be not as exciting as I hope. Happy "Be A Lazy Piece of Shit" Weekend!!!
My Body Hates Me...
I've been trying to eat well, drink less and get a lot more sleep in preparation for the summer. Consider it my "making my insides match my outsides" just in time for summer! All three of these things I typically neglect because I like to pretend that I'm 20 and in college still. It's been going really well...except for the fact that my mom made me split french fries with her at Wendy's but, I think my bod can survive that.

The drinking thing is easy enough to do during the week because no one wants to go out during the week, which is fine with makes my work days much more enjoyable--for real. And anyway, what's the point if Drk isn't working during the week at thitwbar? He still works there on the weekends and that's good enough for me I guess. At least I get my secret Drk fix.

And then finally the sleep part. I've been going up to bed at like 9:45 and either reading or watching tv until I fall asleep...I'll admit that I've rarely seen 10:15 all week. This is good right? My body is telling me that I needed that extra sleep (since I typically wouldn't go to bed until 12 sober, or after 2 drunk during the week). Well I must've been wrong. Because I think I finally killed my "sleep debt" and created a surplus because this morning I woke up at 2:30 am feeling completely refreshed and awake! WTF?!? I tried to go back to sleep to no avail. I attempted to get the tv to lull me back into sleep, instead I became engrossed in some made for tv movie featuring Charlie O'Connell (Sp?) the most recent bachelor up against some crafty satanists. Fuck! Why do I enjoy B movies??

At 5:15 I gave up and just got up and now it's time to get ready for work and inevitably, I am tired. Go figure.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
A Dream That Screams "Let Go Already!"
Ok I just read Kelly's post on how other people's dreams are soo not interesting to anyone but to the person who dreamed it and made me think of last night's dream. It was a doozy, so Kelly--you may want to just stop here.

So last night I dreamed that I stopped at thitwbar and picked up Drk. Somehow we ended up hiking in these crazy trails and then we ran into Tash and her husband who said that they were going out to dinner with V, his new bride and Chelle. They invited Drk and myself and we agreed to go.

Chelle, Drk and I were tying one on at the bar from The Shining (I know it was this bar because it always gives me nightmares). However, there was nothing supernatural going on, it was just that big fancy, wooden bar. Drk and I were cuddling and laughing and just having a great time (that's how I knew while I was still dreaming that I was dreaming) and then in walked V, Vince and V's bride (whom I've never met) and Tash and her husband. I walked over and said hello to Vince and an obviously uncomfortable V and then introduce myself as "a college friend" to the bride. We hit it off well, laughing, drinking it up and then I ask her to help me pick some songs out on the jukebox. V, pulls her aside and when they come back into the room she doesn't speak to me anymore nor will she help me put on songs. Everyone at the table is mad at me for being there, and I wouldn't have even been there except for the fact that Tash invited me. However, I don't think Tash told them that she invited me...I get the impression in the dream that they think I'm there to make a scene in front of V and his wife.

I turn for support from Drk and I just see him fleeing out the backdoor. Chelle who was sitting at the bar with him (and watching me the whole time) tells me that I "fucked up big time". I go chasing after him, and I try to explain but he shrugs me off...until I offer to buy him water ice. I tell him I'll be just a minute and I run back into the bar. I go up to Chelle and explain where I'm going and then I go up to V's table and say goodbye to Tash, a quick rushed goodbye to everyone at the table and then I turn to V's bride (who by the way, in my dream is absolutely stunning) and say, "He's very lucky, you're a riot and you're so incredibly beautiful. I have to go now and I'm sorry if I caused you any discomfort." Then I turn to V and say, "Stop being such a jerk, I would never be rude to your wife nor would I try to weasel my way back into your life. Get over yourself!" And I skip out of the bar (literally) and play frisbee with Drk and his roommate.

So that was my weird symbolic dream. I was thinking before I went to bed that I probably won't be invited to Vince's wedding because V and his wife will be there. Vince is closer friends with V and I'm sure Vince thinks (and I'm sure others think) that I wouldn't be able to handle their presence there (or that they couldn't handle mine)...either way, I guess this was my own way of telling myself that I can handle not being invited and secretly I know that I could handle it...I mean come on, it's been three years. I could care less. And that's my analysis. I'm not exactly sure what Drk's presence in the dream was...damn dick tease with his frisbee games!! What? He can't even give me sex in my own dreams?!? WTF!
100 Things About Me--Off On Tangents
1. When I was little I wanted to be a witch when I grew up.
2. I was very sad when I found out that I held no magical powers no matter how hard I tried.
3. My dad thought it was "cool" aspiration, so he bought me a crystal ball (I didn't see anything in it).
4. I went to Space Academy (the next step up from Space Camp)
5. I didn't see the cheesy movie Space Camp until after I got back...well because I didn't want my experience to be "ruined or tainted"
6. I was Olivia in a high school rendition of Twelfth Night.
7. I thought I was going to be an actress when I "grew up".
8. Then I thought perhaps I would be a comedian (comedienne?)
9. I've had four fabulous dogs in my life time.
10. I don't think I would make a good parent because I love my one dog more than the other.
11. I used to think I looked like Drew Barrymore...but no one else did.
12. I got a lot of "You look like Alicia Silverstone" back in high school...after the Aerosmith videos and the movie The Crush came out.
13. I haven't gotten any Alicia Silverstone comparisons in quite a while...but it might be because I dyed my hair dark brown (and it looks way better).
14. By far my best features are my eyes. They are the color of a stormy ocean according to an ex. The only ex that matters.
15. My mom says I have "mood eyes" and they change from blue,to green, to grey.
16. My grandfather looked exactly like Orville Redenbacher
17. Sometimes I want to pierce a bullring through my nose, or some other crazy piercing. But I don't think I actually would go through with it. Although...
18. I got my eyebrow pierced when I was 18.
19. With in 72 hours it was pulled out by my angry father (ouch!)
20. I almost got my one nipple pierced during a drunken party during my final Homecoming celebration as an undergrad (whew...)
21. My favorite ice cream is Butter Pecan, I don't care if it's also the favorite flavor in all nursing homes.
22. I lost my virginity to the following mixed group of artists, Primus, Aerosmith and Ozzy.
23. There is no accounting for musical taste when you are ridding yourself of a cumbersome virginity.
24. I once had a black and blue handprint on my ass, given to me by a man whom I was not dating. The man I was dating was the one to discover it (it was one of two times that I have ever strayed).
25. My favorite television show is Nip/Tuck
26. I am absolutely enamoured with Dr. Troy from Nip/Tuck
27. My mom says that's precisely my problem with men...people like Christian Troy are who I'm attracted to, and who's attracted to me.
28. I have a reoccuring dream about a fire in a mall and me riding the escalator with a fireman.
29.I've been having the dream since I was five.
30. The dreamed increased in vividness and occurence after I read the book Fahrenheit 451.
31. An easy pick me up is...going to get my eyebrows waxed.
32. I love MAC eyeshadows
33. And I'm addicted to MAC lipglass. In fact I reapply so often...that a guy once said from across the bar, "They're shiny enough!"
34. My dogs and I spoon every night.
35. If a man says something about how my dogs need to be "trained" they are immediately red shirted and side-lined.
36. I always fool myself about this...but once I look at those who have said this, and those who have been sidelined--100% correlation!
37. Patrick is one such man who said my dogs need to be trained.
38. My dogs are rambunctious, but completely loveable and have good intentions.
39. I once had a Pretty Woman moment where the saleswoman looked down her nose at me and basically said they didn't have anything in my price range. She was right, I was in Versace but I tried on six dresses just to spite her.
40. Even if I were rich, I don't think I'd buy a $3,000 and up dress. $500 will be my limit if I do get rich.
41. When I was younger I always joked that if I got married, I would do it at my parent's house on the pool deck and then we'd jump in after we "took the plunge"
42. No one ever liked this idea except for me.
43. I'm still considering it.
44. I was the best man in my parents' wedding.
45. My best friend was the maid of honor.
46. I used to only eat completely round chicken mcnuggets because I once found gristle in a squarish one.
47. I never wear matching socks.
48. This is due in part because I honestly think it helps me get "lucky" (as if I need help...ha ha)
49. Due in part because my one dog buries my socks out in the backyard and/or carries them around at all times.
50. Due in part because I'm too lazy to pair my socks up after I dry them.
51. I rarely eat any sweets at all.
52. I dream of potato chips at all times...but I only eat them once a month.
53.My favorite sport to play is volleyball
54. My favorite sport to watch on TV is basketball
55. My favorite sporting event to attend is baseball.
56. I think baseball game dates are romantic!
57. In my very early teens I was fascinated with Grace Kelly but my hair was more Alicia Silverstone than anything (remember grunge people?)
58. During my late teens, my fashion/style idol was Gwen Stefani ( extremely platinum bob occurred after her video for "Don't Speak" came out)
59. During my extreme early 2o's I worhsipped Gwenyth Paltrow's long blond locks.
60. Finally...I dyed my hair a chocolate brown and moved on to the ladies with H names!! I tried to emulate Helena Christiansen.
61. The only reason I can tell you all that stuff is that I keep a shoe box with clippings of all the hair styles that I wanted/got over the years.
62. My best friend is a hair stylist and I haven't changed my hair style (straight with some layers and dark) in about three years...before we met, I changed it all the time!
63. I cry every single time I watch the movie Big Fish
64. But not as much as I cried when I read the book of the same title.
65. The first movie I ever cried at was Aspen Extreme.
66. It MIGHT be the world's chessiest (skiing) buddy movie...I must've been PMSing.
67. I feel guilty when I don't work out.
68. I've been slacking on my workouts I just can't even count for how long.
69. Sometimes I wish I pursued a degree in Geology. I love rocks and minerals.
70. I want to go hike a volcano.
71. I once watched a volcano movie almost three times in a row because my bf at the time was a geology major. I saved myself from the third viewing (it was interesting the first two times) by taking my pants off and throwing them at the tv.
72. I asked him to take my "core temperature" because I'm a cheese.
73. Anytime I play "hide and seek" (the actual child's game pervs) I have the overwhelming urge to pee!
74. I once wiped in the woods with poison was a painful learning experience.
75. I get poison ivy so bad that once when I was little, before my parents had air conditioning they had to take me to the movie theater all day to stop my legs from weeping so badly. Aside from the poison ivy it was GREAT!
76. I used to get grounded from the woods because I just couldn't stay away from the poison ivy...either that or I was just too dumb to recognize it.
77. I was called a prude and a lesbian because I wouldn't participate in the truth or dare sessions in the woods with the neighborhood boys.
78. When I was young I thought that I would get married to an honest to goodness know straight from Ireland? (could you imagine our livers? geesh)
79. my passport has no stamps in it sadly...I've only been to the Bahamas and several Mexican locales.
80. I used to be afraid to swim alone in my pool because I was scared that Jaws was going to get me.
81. In childhood swim classes I used the idea that Jaws was following me to make me swim faster...and I always won.
82. I am allergic to fingerpaints...I found this out twice. Once when I was five with my mom. Once with a certain someone when I was 23.
83. One of the hottest nights of my life involved cooking oil, and my mom's living room floor.
84. Two of the best quotes the following day? "Where'd all the Olive Oil go?" and " Jesus Mellie, Why does your hair look so darn greasy?"
85. My all time favorite most meaningful gift is a ring my mom purchased for me. My dad designed it, picked out the diamond (he wanted the man who loved me to "outdo" him) and had it made but when he died my mom could no longer afford it. She, unbeknownst to me, made payments on the ring for two years.
86. I do not want a diamond engagement ring. I want sometime cool and original. Something that screams my name! Diamonds are sterile stones.
87. I would get engaged without the promise of the ring, if the man was right.
88. I love my job. My whole life feels like it has a purpose because of it.
89. My parents always told me I should pursue this line of work because "I was perfect for it"
90. I refused to consider the job for this reason alone. Until I finally came to my senses.
91. I never grow fingernails because I feel like they look like talons!
92. I want Magnolia trees planted everywhere around me, because there's nothing nicer than a blooming Magnolia (except that they stink like fish when the blooms rot...)
93. I have a harmonica and I want to learn how to play it.
94. I love warm summer rainstorms, and I have a very sexy memory to cherish that goes along with that...although I liked warm summer rainstorms before that.
95. I'm addicted to Thai food...and Chinese.
96. I love dark haired men with facial hair and tattoos...oh Freud what was that? My dad had dark hair, a beard and tattoos? You're kidding me.
97. I kind of find light haired men a little "icky"
98. When I was younger I wanted to be named Penelope or Franchesca...I don't know where I came up with these names since I knew no one with them...or and incidently I wanted my middle name to be Meringue. Blame that on Strawberry Shortcake.
99. I feel like my ability to tell stories is one of my finest qualities.
100. I sleep with my window open, my fan on high and my down comforter on my bed nearly year round.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Blogger keeps telling me that my site doesn't exist! I exist damn it!
New Tattoo
Well something new needs to come into my life...and well, stay. So I think it's time for a new tattoo. I'm actually ready for a slightly bigger one. In reality, I would like one that spanned my entire back, I'm not saying fulling covering every inch of flesh but large. Since I don't go without a shirt at work I'm not worried about looking unprofessional, and I'm not too concerned with what people think of me at the beach. Some will think I'm trashy and I'm sure some will admire my artwork, it's all about preferences. Now to think of what I want...
Monday, May 23, 2005
The Necessary Spark...Is It Immediate? Or Does It Grow Like Fungus?
So I discussed my date with my mom this evening and I told her, what I told you guys--I thought he was pretty cool, partially creepy and I didn't really feel the physical chemistry. I found him attractive yes, I kissed him yes and it wasn't horrible. It wasn't earth shattering and time stopping, it was just a kiss.
[an aside]
Did I ever tell you about the first time that J and I kissed. I was leaning against my car door after a major make out session (about two hours after we met) and I was trying to be good and go home. He leaned over and kissed me, and time stopped. I didn't even realize I was still kissing him, until he pulled away and said, "Wow." We actually stopped mid-kiss to talk about it. Now that was a kiss! That's the kiss I judge all kisses on I think. Unfortunately his occupation as a drug dealer (at the time) and as a heavy drug user, J's kisses remain in my memories and will not become reality again until I see that he truly has cleaned up. Even still it probably won't be reality again because I heard he stopped dealing, now only if he could stop using. He was an interesting guy, now I think he's too burnt out.
[back from the aside]
So that's what this whole date thing lacked--real chemistry. We had enough chemistry I think to be friends (and then I could say to Patrick, "No Patrick, I didn't fuck're my friend, skeevy man). My mom said not to give up on him too easily, even after I mentioned the "Did you fuck him" comment because she said (and she may have a point), "Well you did talk to him Friday night when you were drunk, who knows what crazy talk you were spouting..." I'm half tempted to agree with her because it would explain where that left field comment came from. But I'm in total agreement with all of you, it's creepy and inappropriate, too. Mom also said that sometimes the chemistry grows...I've never experienced that, what do you think? For me, it's always been instantaneous. Black/white, cut/dried...

At this point I'm hoping that he doesn't call, if I'm having mixed emotions (leaning toward the negative) now, why bother? I hate having to let people least this time it won't be me, who's being disappointed.

On another note. A certain man from Australia, with eclectic musical taste was true to his word and he sent me three postcards along with a mix CD and a letter explaining why he likes the songs that he put on there. I am forever grateful, it's so cool to receive something in the mail other than bills. Once I get a few things done around here (and I mean this might be a week or so) I will do a music review of the CD, since most of the artists on the CD are Australian and are not well known around these parts of the Cornfield and perhaps other less remote areas).
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Is She Ever Satisfied?
I'm sitting on the couch texting back and forth with Chelle and it hits me...I'm not elated. I'm not floating on a cloud with a crazy grin on my face waiting all antsy for him to call me. Why not? The date went really, really well. There wasn't a single awkward pause, he's incredibly interesting, he's lived all over the country and had tons of funny stories. wouldn't hurt me if he didn't call--which he might not since he was pretty wigged out over the fact that S and his friends showed up late night at my house. I don't think he believed me when I said that it wasn't normal for random boys to show up at my house unannounced. I personally find it hilarious because S is just crazy and I rarely have anything to do with him, and yet--he somehow managed to ruin the mood last night.

So the breakdown--yeah Patrick's cool, yeah he's attractive but perhaps the chemistry isn't totally there for me. It's not like Matty who makes me weak in the knees, or Drk who makes my whole body heat up...hmm, I'll have to think about this some more. So no, I guess the answer to the question "Is she ever satisfied?" is a definitive NO.
Date Night
So last night was the "big date night" ok, it actually was very low key because he came after working for 12 hours so we just went to thitwbar. He actually liked it. Patrick is a pretty cool guy. He's funny, sarcastic, and irreverant--all things I like. He was fairly attractive, if not a little skinny. A bonus, he's six feet tall (everyone that I've been hanging out with lately has been on the short side).

We went out around 7pm and we had all intentions of having a few drinks, playing some pool, get some dinner and then head home. After our billionth drink I suggested that he could sleep on my couch (since he had a 45 minute drive home). From there it took a nasty turn towards drunkeness. I'm happy to report that I was not too too drunk, but I certainly tied one on.

It was funny at thitwbar because I would've never actually taken a date to that bar...well because I have a bit of a history with people there. Sweet Cheeks just had an amused look as he served me all night. When Patrick went to the bathroom he asked me "So is that your bit o' stuff for the evening?" I don't think I could've lauged harder.

Drk was working, and he looked as cute as always. I'm not going to lie, if Drk asked me that moment to do something, I would've ditched Patrick in a heartbeat. Drk also made life a little tough for me because he said, "I guess you forgot my shirt huh?" Ok, now try to explain that to your date. Why is the cook's shirt at your house? And damn it because of totally innocent reasons although I wish it wasn't.

The only thing that I found weird about Patrick was that any time I was talking about someone (either at the bar or one of my friends) he would always ask, "Did you fuck him?" Now this wasn't right off the bat, this when he had a little liquor in him...but still. Although I did answer honestly, with lots of yes's and a couple of no's. For example, I would say, "My friend Ry and I were here on Thursday and...." and then Patrick would ask, "Have you ever fucked Ry?" So yeah, that was more than a little weird.

There were a couple of other characters that made my night a little rough. Hot Ronnie came over and gave me a hello? I don't think Ronnie and I have ever hugged. And then Freddie (the guy with the huge dragon tattoo on his belly from a long time ago) also came a gave me a hug. Oh and then about every male in the bar I think said hello to me. Ok, so my demure act wasn't going so well.

We closed down the bar and we came back to my house. Yeah we hooked up a bit and then my doorbell rang. Um yeah, it was 3:30 am. So I answer it and it's S and two of his friends. WTF? They asked if they could come in and hang out. I told them that I had company and they asked if they could hang out down at my bar. Ok sure, whatever. Well the boys trampled downstairs and I went back and curled up next to Patrick. Well Patrick was a bit pissy. He said, "Do you remember my post said disease and drama free? Well this is drama." So I sent the boys home. I mean hey, I wasn't sure what they were doing there but they were wasted so I wasn't going to make a big deal of it, they could sit downstairs for all I cared... Patrick's question was "Does this happen often? Do guys just come over all the time?" Ok, it has never happened, I don't know what was going on...but whatever. Oh and Patrick, "yes, guys come over all the time".

So Patrick slept over, we behaved ourselves...I think in part because we were both pretty darn drunk. We hooked up a little this morning but I stopped things before they got too crazy...I'm just not sure, you know? I'm trying to not follow my previous motto of "Fuck now, think later." I mean hey, that's how I'm still saddled with S showing up at my door on 3 am. Oh and I was supposed to go shopping for bridesmaid dresses today with Cr. She was here at 11am and I never heard her knock or call (she called my cell which was downstairs)...I think she's probably not happy with me. It sucks because I really wanted to go too!
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Don't Give This Girl Alcohol Anymore!
Last night the ladies and I went out on the town. We started out calmly, and then took a turn for drunkeness. At least I did. The first bar was great, we had a nice intimate dinner where we busted on each other relentlessly. At least I busted on all of them. And then we went downstairs and sang obnoxiously with the solo artist performing. At least I did. Then we met up with some of my other friends at another bar.

Somehow I wandered around, got myself lost and separated from my first group of friends. I found Ry and some other people and just stayed there, as walking was slowly not becoming an option anymore. Ml and Missy announced to me that they were leaving, something that my drunken brain couldn't comprehend. So ride number one left. I feel bad today as I realize that I just totally wandered away from them last night. It certainly wasn't on purpose.

I ended up talking to Ricky for a while, we were both really banged up so our conversation flowed freely, I'm not so sure as to what we spoke about but it was long and in depth. Then I started making phone calls and sending text messages because Ry left me sitting at the bar as he walked Ricky to his car (I'm assuming they went out to the parking lot to smoke some pot). I should never be left unattended. I called my pregnant friend at 1 am and asked if she had her baby yet. I didn't realize that I got her answering machine. She called me today to tell me that I amuse her, and that no she hadn't had the baby yet, and that she hoped her baby was as much as a lush as we are (well as I am, and as she was 9 months ago). I sent a text message to Patrick, the guy I'm going on a date with this evening. Oh brother! I'm starting already!

Luckily as we have no carnal knowledge of each other my text message just asked him if he went to Manayunk (trendy area just outside of Philly). Instead of being a normal person and either disregarding it, or sending a message back...he called me at 1am. Fuck. We talked for 28 minutes. Double fuck. I ramble when I'm sober, imagine me drunk! Oh boy. But wait, the story gets better...or perhaps more horiffic depending on how you view it. Because I was outside talking to Patrick on the phone, Ry came back into the bar to look for me and couldn't find me. Knowing me as he does, he thought that perhaps I had found a gentleman friend to share affection with so...he left the bar...after calling my phone and getting no answer from me! Apparently I didn't hear the call waiting beep.

So, you can see where this comedy of errors is going. I went back into the bar to look for him, couldn't find him so I did the most logical thing I could think of. I started walking home. I got about half way when I decided to call my mom at 3am to pick me up. I told her where I was and she and her boyfriend drove out to get me. She's a good woman, and I know that her boyfriend probably thinks that I am the biggest, drunkest idiot known to man! Which is quite possibly true.

This morning Ry calls to check on me at 9 am because apparently I left him three drunken messages...he was apologetic, as was I and I told him how I got home, and he laughed at me. At 11:30 Patrick called me to "check how my hangover was progressing". He poked some fun at me for "ranting about the fashion industry" last night (um what? what the fuck is wrong with me?) and to tell me not to worry, that he's "been there" and that he bartended for three years so he's "seen it all". Yes, I was mortified that I haven't even actually met this man in the flesh yet and already I'm busting out my A- game drunken stunts out, but it was nice that he was so cool about it. He's either a drunk, extrememly desperate, or just a downright nice guy--we shall see, he's coming here around 5 to hang out with me. I think I'm going to avoid massive amounts of alcohol, just in case.
Friday, May 20, 2005
Big Fish In A Small Pond
So I decided to branch out and answer a post on Craigslist a week or two ago. The guy cracked me up. I especially liked the fact that he lived in a church (how weird is that? Do you know how non religious I am?) Well last week he gave me his phone number I never called him, we chatted through a couple more emails here and there. He seems really interesting and interested.
(Cue violins)
When men are interested in me, I am most definitely not interested in them. I love the angst, the plotting to get them to like me etc. Basically, I just don't like anyone to actually like me because then they might hurt, I'm trying my very best not to turn my nose up at this man named Patrick.

He left me an early morning email asking me if I wanted to get drinks today after work because he was going to be near the Cornfield, it was sweet because he said a) he'd pick me up (I'm in the process of buying a new vehicle on a shoestring budget, so I'm hoofing it) b) that he hoped I wouldn't mind if he'd be in jeans and be slightly dirty since he would be coming straight from work. Well I didn't get the email until 1 pm. So I sent an email back. Then he called me at 4:00 pm but unfortunately I didn't get his message until 4:30. I called him back and left him a message. So I'm kind of in email and phone tag limbo, but I have to say--his voice had a warm and deep timbre to it. I may be making things up but he sounds kind to living things, and I know that he has a sense of adventure. Hmm, at first I was skeptical about this Craigslist business, but we'll see. I only answered his post because I thought it was funny...I didn't even suggest the idea that I was looking for a date and neither did he. Well, it's something to mull over. Ok, time to get ready for my night out with the ladies! Have a good one, and I'll fill you all in tomorrow when I have an icepack perched on my head.
For God's Sake Woman Get A New Mini Poll
I'm taking suggestions for a mini poll, the one on the side there is so old, it keeps begging to play Bingo and to buy scratch off tickets. Any ideas?
I Think He Misses Me...In My Delusional World
Ry and I hit thitwbar tonight, not for long...just long enough for both of us to cop a buzz (for once!). Drk was working, sigh with me now. Yeah, his five foot six, bearded frame still makes me weak in the knees...and still makes me wonder why too. Believe me when I tell you that I adore scruffy men but ones that are built like my boyfriend in fifth grade? Whatever he has, he's got lots of it! Because he turns me on with a smile, and turns me down with a wave goodbye...although I always say bye first now, just because.

So Ry and I had great convos ranging from the maid of honor he hooked up with this weekend at his friend's wedding to all the weird stupid stuff that's going on in my life, back to the fact that Ry's buying his first house. Seriously folks, all seriously interesting stuff. Seriously.

On my way into the bar I said a quick hello to Drk, he put his stuff down as if I were going to stop and talk (as I used to do) but I just kept on going. I know it's childish and foolish be it. Well, Drk was officially done working at 11. His friends were waiting for him sitting across from Ry and I. Drk's first move was to go first to the jukebox and he played...The Bravery's "Favorite Mistake". Ok, I may be reading into it but I play it every single time I go into the bar. I'm usually the only person who knows the song and then I shimmy my way around the bar to the tune. Well there we are, Drk and Melina singing the song, me shimmying in my seat (I'm a fabulous chair dancer) and him grinning and singing. Our eyes met, I yelled across the bar, "Great Song" and he yelled back, "Yeah, I'm not sure where I first heard it."

Well I fucking know where you first heard it. And I fucking know why I'm in a blue mood, because he's moving out of town...and not because we never hooked up but because we never really became friends, and that's actually my fault.

Oh and I still have his fucking shirt. And I sooo don't want it.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Why I Love My Mom
Who else would subject their grown child to such torture? True event.
Mom: (grabs Melina's face) Hold on a minute, what's wrong with your face?

Melina: (Reaching out to grab the Vlasic pickles just out of reach) What?!? What! What's wrong with my face (said as only an incredibly vain girl would say).

Mom: (tracing the bridge of Melina's nose) Nothing really, I think your dog broke your nose again, no one else would notice...but I gave birth to that cute little nose!

Melina: Yeah I think the dog did it the other day. We were wrestling and I got a fat lip and a punch in the nose.

(Mom still holding Melina's face, Melina's Co worker walks up...)
Co-worker: Melina?

Melina: Oh um hi, this is my mom. Mom, ____.

Co-worker: Oh hi, I'll see you tomorrow at work. (Co worker gives us another puzzled look and then scoots off)

Melina: Greeeeaaat Mom, now she'll tell everyone I'm dating an older woman I call Mom.

Mom: At least I'm your hot lesbian lover.

Melina: Well at least there's that.
"If All Your Friends Were Jumping Off The Bridge Would You?"
The answer to that question must be yes because I'm following the instructions of Kelly Love and doing this meme. All I can say is that I'm glad I was too young for Jim Jones and his Kool Aid, obviously I would've had me a glass.

I'm supposed to post the list of unfinished statements below, add one or two of my own, then finish 5 of them. Then I have to pick 3 other bitches to carry this godforsaken thing on. Scroll down to see my answers.

If I could be an assassin's bullet
If I could be a member of the opposite sex
If I could be a list of blog questions
If I could be a ninja
If I could be a fly on the wall
If I could be a rodeo clown
If I could be a celebrity
If I could be totally at peace
If I could be on the other side of the world
If I could be a cat burglar
If I could be a supermodel
If I could be in a movieI
f I could be a music executive
If I could be a grandparent
If I could be a computer hacker
If I could be a professional basketball player
If I could be a Customer Service Representative
If I could be an artist
If I could be a marketing director
If I could be a nanny
If I could be a psychic
If I could be an emergency medical technician
If I could be a firefighterIf I could be a designer
If I could be a policeman/woman
If I could be a teacher
If I could be a scientist
If I could be a farmer
If I could be a musician
If I could be a doctor
If I could be a painter
If I could be a gardener
If I could be a missionary
If I could be a chef
If I could be an architect
If I could be a linguist
If I could be a librarian
If I could be an athlete
If I could be a lawyer
If I could be an innkeeper
If I could be a professor
If I could be a writer
If I could be a llama-rider
If I could be a bonnie pirateI
f I could be a service member
If I could be a business owner
If I could be an actorIf I could be an agent
If I could be video game designer
If I could be a comic book artist
If I could be a hooker
If I could be a crack addict
If I could be a porn star
If I could be a mimeI
f I could be a domestic engineer
If I could be a chimney sweep
If I could be a masseuse
If I could be a taxi driver
If I could be a priest
If I could be the Sheriff Of Nottingham
If I could be a dancerIf I could be Santa Claus
If I could be on a reality TV show
If I could be a magician
If I could be a rich man
If I could be perfect
If I could be a comedian
If I could be a scary bear
If I could be a philandering wife

If I could be a porn star, I'd get paid for what I love most in life, sex and attention. I'd make sure that the men starring with me were good looking (and preferrably friends of mine) and I wouldn't fake a damn thing!

If I could be a librarian, I probably would be in my own piece of Heaven. I love books, and I love other people who like books. I could talk with people about books and I could wear my hot librarian glasses (not to be confused with THL...I had the glasses before I heard about her blog. They are my porn star librarian glasses.)

If I could be a bonny pirate, I find my clyde pirate (yes I know bonny means pretty, work with me people!) named Drk and I show him what raping and pilaging is all about!

Ok, I'm supposed to pass this cup of Kool Aid on, or I'm supposed to tell you to put on your black Nikes and purple track suits and wait for Hale Bop again...but I not gonna do it. The meme ends here.
Who Took My Mojo?
Whoever it was, I want it back. Now. thank you, that is all for now...when I resume my regularly scheduled life, I'll let you know because as of right now my life is on hiatus. Don't be confused dear friends, I'll still be posting daily, but it may not be the high quality, skankiliciousness you all are used to. I think it will be more like this:

"Today in the park while reading a chapter of Sense and Sensibility I decided that I would have chicken for dinner. Yes chicken, that charming fowl that can be served in so many different fashions."

Just to let you know what you're in for. Let's hope someone suggests going out for a beer tonight.
Just Me and My Vibrators
So yeah alas, I'm alone...painfully, horribly alone (read this with your hand facing palm out and sounding breathy and desperate). Actually it isn't all that bad, and with the great timing that I have, there's going to be a new addition to my vibrator collection. Collection as in, I have one little guy and now there will be another one. I ordered him when I order the new Mr. Pink but he's been back order since, it's nice to have a new "man" in the house I guess.

This weekend is already taking shape and sounds like it could be a lot of fun. The ladies from work and I are heading a little ways out of town to a little bar in the middle of nowhere that for some reason, a lot of people congregate at. Saturday is Tash's little sister's birthday and she invited me, along with all of her other friends, to another bar out of town--so this too could be fun. Depending on how Friday goes, we'll see about Saturday.

Only 16 more days of work for me until I am officially on 11 weeks of vacation-whooo hoo. Say it with me now, "Whoo hoo"...altogether now, "Whoo hooo!!!" However, I'm wiping myself out in these last few days. They are killing me and ticking slower than a time bomb in a movie. I've got a lot to accomplish in this little time and yet, I do nothing except think about how I can get naked with a boy (not hard, but hard to find a boy I actually want to get naked with) and the next time I'm going to go out.
I think I may be eternally trapped in the 18-24 year old mentality. You know Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs?- sustinence, love, friendship,shelter, safety (amongst the other things that I forget) are all things that a human being needs to achieve happiness and become a well adjusted member of society...well I think he should've just come clean and said--satisfying, dirty, sweaty sex is some people's priorities. True, it's been proven that I've tried to kill two birds with one hierachy need stone by sleeping with my friends but I feel that this was just an effort to achieve happiness in a timely manner. So there.

Ok that rambled but there really isn't anything going on in my life except for the fact that I'm excited for a new vibrator, the end of work, and that's about it!
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Creepy Neighbors Vol. V
So my next door neighbor I think secretly dreams of being in charge of mowing some major league baseball field or something. He literally mows every other day. I'm not sure why, because he lowers the blade as low as it can possibly go. On top of this, he uses his weed wacker EVERY SINGLE DAY. Over and over, he whacks and whacks. I've heard that whacking is beneficial and self-rewarding but this is rediculous.

Because I'm more than slightly evil I find ironic that I don't own a weed whacker and I'm terrified of them! So I have huge, long tufts of lovely emerald blades shooting up by my trees that I occasionally go out and trim with a pair of clippers. How much do you think that he a) hates me or b) is dying to sneak over and trim my errant lawn?

Oh he's allowed believe me!
Always A Bridesmaid Never The Bride (Thank Goodness!)
So Cr and I went out for a drink last night and she asked me to be her maid of honor. I am, how do they say, um...honored. I sat and listened as my friend who once described fifteen sexual positions in one random sexual encounter with expertise and glee now tell me about the latest quandry of chocolate brown colored bridesmaid dresses or black ones. I think both would be awesome so I'm not worried about it! I'll be super tan and I have dark hair and blue eyes...I think both are fabulous the brown is so unexpected that it just might be the ticket.

On other fronts? There really isn't much to say. I have been trying really hard to get out of this funk but as much as I've tried so far, it hasn't really worked. I don't know how to shake it. It's not bad...but it's lingering. I've been talking to two guys on Craigslist lately...just talking though, meeting people through the internet just seems down right creepy. Although this one guy seems pretty cool. He's been to 42 of the states, worked in Alaska for a while, hit some of the Canadian provinces and has now settled back in PA. And get this, he lives in a church that he's renovating? Remind you of anyone? I'll keep you posted if that starts going anywhere. He gave me his number but I'm not comfortable calling him yet, I may just send out another email.

Well, hopefully you're not nodding off after this post. Stay cute as always. Muah!
Monday, May 16, 2005
Creepy Neighbors Vol. IV
My neighbor has just begun blaring music right now at 7:56 pm. I don't care about this one bit...blare away baby. What I'm wondering about is why is she listening to Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch's one hit wonder, "Good Vibration"? I could see it if maybe she was doing some aerobics (perhaps a little jazzercise) but she's just sitting out on her deck drinking tea quite serenely. It's a bit surreal actually.

My neighbor is a genius, I think. She's a bit of a performance artist perhaps. I don't get it, but I respect it. (Ok no I don't, I'm snickering at her...and my one dog keeps howling to the music!)
So How Do You Know Her?
Coworker: My mom had a "Simply Delicious" tasting party and Mrs. ________ was there. She asked about you.

Melina: Oh really?

Coworker: Yeah, how do you know her?

Melina: I used to live next door to her growing up.

Coworker: She told me to ask you about Josh...

Melina: Oh really...that's funny.

Coworker: Why?

Melina: Many reasons really. We used to get into a lot of trouble together.

Coworker: What kind of trouble?

Melina: Oh you know the usual...we spray painted the side of Mrs. ______ station wagon, we cut a hole in Josh's little brother's stroller so that we could make his head poke out the back, we used to bury Josh's glasses in deep pits we would dig in the back yard because he hated them and he felt like a geek, we took apart his parents' radios and pretend to be disarming bombs, oh and I had sex with him in a car and we got a citation for it. Actually I got a citation for it because it was my so wasn't fair because I did all the work...and I had to deal with a certain type of piercing.

Co-worker: Oh that's the guy!

Melina: Oh that's the one...but I don't know if his mom knows about that one. I'm very discreet don't you know (smug smile and a wink).

Co-worker: Uh-huh. That's why I know the story.

Melina: Shut up. Just go with it for once.
Melina Reasons With Children
"Melina since when is pissed off a curse word?"
"Since your grandmother would box both of our ears if I allowed you to say it."
"That's not a good enough reason..."
"Ok I'll make a deal with you, for the next two days say 'that makes me want to expell urine really badly' and maybe I'll let you say pissed off."
"Nawww...that's gay."
"What part of that sentence looks like it has sexual desire for a sentence of the same sex?"
"I'm saying, how is that gay?"
"You know what I mean."
"Well then say what you mean. Saying that's gay makes me think that it's either incredibly happy in an archaic way (look up the word archaic) or that it is involved in some sort of homosexual relationship and that just doesn't make sense because it's a phrase not a sexual being."
"I guess you're right"
"A breakthrough...I'm right for once. Whoo hoo!"
overheard a few minutes later..."Don't go ask Melina anything she's acting so gay today!"
Sunday, May 15, 2005
What Have I Done To Myself?
So my drunken escapade on Friday with my friend has been solved, as I said in comment below...but then I realized that I actually wanted to post about it. So he has called me a total of five times since he left my house. I avoided his calls like the coward I am because I really didn't know what had happened, whether or not I spurred it on (although I couldn't possibly see how I would've). Finally I decided to bite the bullet.

It's actually a good thing that I did. I feel a whole lot better now. Yes we did kiss. No, I didn't start it. Yes he did put his hand under my bra, and yes I did slur to him, "I like you as a friend, nothing more." Yes, he did stop and apparently pour his little grinch heart out to me about his "loooove" for me. Uh no. He's an ok guy as a second tier friend but the more time I spend around him the more loosely veiled racist and bigotted comments I hear. I'm just not cool with that, and I don't need any hate in my life. So luckily, I'm the one who stripped myself down...after my friend left! Yea!

Oh and yeah, I don't need the lecture to be more safe and responsible with alcohol...I hear it a lot from my ma (who has since forgiven me for my hangover from yesterday...even though we were supposed to go see my sick grandmother. I think she forgave simply for the reason that we didn't have to go!!), and I usually nod my head in agreement and then go about business as usual.

I'll grow up one of these days but, it's just so damn hard to pace yourself when you're sitting next to Ryan who keeps buying you a drink every time he gets one...except that he's about 265 lbs. and I'm not. What I need is my drinking buddy Chelle back! She was away at a wedding this weekend, but she and I can tie one on where I don't feel like I'm going to die the next day...all day long!

Today, I've been very productive, perhaps to counteract the fact that all I did was languish on my couch, bed and deck yesterday moaning like Frankenstein. I did some gardening, I did some work for work (about four hours worth!!), I started a new book, I walked the beasts, cleaned the kitchen, did the dishes...whew, that's it! I'm giving myself the rest of the night off to watch TV and let my mind decay.
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Take My Quiz-Because Who's More Important Than Me, Really?
Take my quiz here!
Thanks to Serra for the fun idea!! If anyone makes a quiz make sure you let me know, I'm a sucker for these things!

Um and I accidently rigged it...when it asks who my partner in crime is at the bar...don't pick the right answer "Chelle" pick Derek...because for some reason that the answer that I put in as the correct one. Hmm, go figure. A Freudian slip of some sort perhaps?
Taking Care of Business-Text Message Style
So as I suffered from the single worst hangover of my adult life...and felt guilty because I was a pretty crappy daughter to my mom today, I decided to use my still drunkeness (at 2 pm) to get a few things off my chest to the boys who are no longer in my life. Nope, nothing to Drk. I learned my lesson, I'm leaving him alone like I probably should've all along! So who did I text? Matty and Todd.

Matty's message I've been composing all week, because I really do miss him and I know that I really screwed up, and I'm paying for it. So his message went a little something like this:
Hey Matty I just wanted to say hi and that I miss hanging out with you. Please give me a call if things don't work out with [my replacement's name]. Maybe I'll see you out one of these days, I know it's awkward but I hope you know I would never be bitchy to [stupid replacement's name]. I know I fucked up.

So yeah the message reeks of desperation but I felt good to get it off my chest, and I wanted him to know that I miss him.

And because I'm a brazen little hussy I had a message for Todd as well. My goal here was completely different. It wasn't a mesage from my was amessage from um, a little lower. You know how some people use a headache as a reason not to have sex? Well when I have a headache I like to have sex to make it go away. Using this mentality I thought that Todd might be willing to help me out in some capacity. So I sent him a little message that read like this:
I have the worst hangover headache ever, wanna come and make it better? I was just thinking about the last time you "cured" me and I could go for some of your type of healing!

Ok, I will be the first to admit that that message might just be the single lamest text message of all time. Why didn't I just make it even worse and say "Give me some sexual healing" I don't know! Well, his stupid mailbox was full because I got a message bounced back to me that said, "This message has been deleted from the mailbox" no sexual healing for me...just hours and hours of laying on the couch. At least I got to finish my book...that was the only good thing about the day. Oh and then I got some Chinese takeout because I thought that would make me feel better, uh no...I ended up regretting that decision!Because of my inability to judge when I'm inebriated "enough" I decided that I should probably just stay in tonight. I feel bad because I wanted to see C's band play but I have a feeling that I would be running to the bathroom to puke if I even smelled alcohol tonight.
Maybe I'll give Todd a call or try sending him another txt..I need laid, I'm starting to get cranky and my skin isn't as glowy as it usually is, I attribute this to my nun-like ways as of late (last night doesn't count because a) I would've never kissed him sober and b) I can't really remember it (that's bad isn't it?) Oh and don't get any ideas, it wasn't was much, much worse! So my little peaches, have a good time this fine Saturday night and use my story as a cautionary tale so that you too, do not end up praying to the porcelin god, as I have twice today.
Wishing I Was Still Drunk
This is my fault, so I can't complain too much...but, I think my friend got my pants off last night. Ick. I like him as a friend, he grosses me out otherwise, and I've noticed he has a tendency towards chubby girls (I'm not, and it's my worst nightmare). However, he brought me home because I drank about 20 too many beers last night...yeah I know, I'm 28 and I should know my limits by now---but I was having fun last night! (Not having fun right now at all).

So anyways, back to the pants. They are crumpled up in a ball next to my underwear beside my couch. And I do remember him coming in with me. And he did call me this morning. I wonder if we're dating now? God I hope I said no to that. Luckily I know that nothing major happened (you know if we were using baseball metaphors) except for the fact that he's seen me naked. I'm not going to explain how I know that, but I'm still grossed out. Ouch my head hurts. I'm going to go sleep it off.

Oh and my mom is SERIOUSLY pissed at me, because she "wanted to spend the day with me" and I was supposed to know this with my psychic powers apparently. wake me up on Sunday.
I have a hangover so blinding that I'm typing through sqinting eyes. I literally woke up twleve minutes ago...fuck. My mom wants to help me with yardwork and she's going to be so pissed at me. Fuck. Cotton mouth has meant nothing to me all this time, until now. Fuck. I'm going call my mum and get my tongue lashing now. Hold tight friends and having a good weekend.
Friday, May 13, 2005
I'm Already Going To Hell So I Might As Well Say It
My neighbors across the street are morbidly obese. I'm not saying a couple lbs overweight, or slightly heavy. These folks are in danger for their lives. Unfortunately, they have three boys who are incredibly rolly polly as well (although they look adorable in a sharpei kind of way). The ice cream truck comes into our neighborhood four times a day and plays its horrendous calliope music outside my door lurking, waiting for the rolly polly family to come outside. Coincidence? I think not. The ice cream guy doesn't even bother continuing on down the cul-de-sac, because he knows which house is the lucky loose slot. And inevitable, they come run towards the van three out of every four times!

Ok now that my horns are rearing their ugly head, I should get a shower and see if anyone wants to go out with lil ol' me!
Drink, Drank, Drunk
I'm not sure what this weekend holds for me but I'm optimistic. Tonight, I have no plans but I'm hoping that Ry will want to do something. I will even submit to going to the strip club as long as I get out. I feel a little stir crazy...I didn't go out all week ( do I sound like an alcoholic there? I just mean in a human interaction kind of way), I haven't tried to seduce anyone in like three weeks, and well I think it's high time to see some people, booze it up, and interact intimately with someone (preferable not a stranger).

Saturday, I have definitely have plans. Cr and I are going to watch C's band play at one of the nearby clubs. That should be a lot of fun, I haven't seen C play with his new band yet and it's always fun to see Cr get jealous watching all the skank ass hos making eyes at C while he's playing! I will fill you in more when things unfold a little bit more.
My pirate [and I use the term "my" very loosely] is sailing his way out of the Cornfield and out of my life (um, well whatever you would call our flirtation/interaction of the past) for good. Drk, having been planted in the Cornfield for X amount of years is finally fleeing. This has nothing to do with me and my scheming ways [I don't think] and it has everything to do with his burgeoning career in a band. I can't say I'm heartbroken, because I'm that would be weird. But I will put it out there that I feel like a part of the Cornfield is being dismantled and hauled away without my permission. Oh and I still haven't figured out how to give him his stupid shirt back and I think he's done working at thitwbar for good. So unless I suck it up and go to his house, it looks like I've just inherited a really awesome shirt that I made for someone else and I think that depresses me almost more than him leaving.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Music Saves The Day
So I decided to send an olive branch to Tash, because maybe I just wasn't being fair, and maybe she's just really busy. I saw this great concert with Trey from Phish, Ben Harper, Medesky, Martin and Wood among others (I think it's called the Zooma fest or tour) that was coming near enough to the Cornfield that it was worth making the trek. This concert screams both her name and her husband's name (mine too) I sent her an email asking her if she wanted to go, and she does! This led to several emails back and forth--it was nice. I feel a little better. And now we're going to be partying it up. The Tash I know and love suggested that we tailgate all day since she took the day off! Hells yeah.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Ask me the one thing that I miss about real relationships? Mixed CDs. I swear to [insert your god of choice] I am Rob from High Fidelity in female both the good and bad ways (particularly- too self involved). I have recently resorted by proxy to making my mom and my friends mixed CDs because I miss sitting and thinking about the person I'm with and creating a great CD...

I love to go through my album (CD) collection and see all the burned CDs that I have received over the years. It's like looking through scrapbooks almost, perhaps even more personal. In those CDs I can see how each particular guy saw me, saw us, saw everything.

The last mixed CD I made for someone was almost disasterous for my ego and perhaps more but I'll never admit it. He was my friend and we had slept together more than a few times. On a random itch I decided to make him a CD because everytime we went anywhere there was always music involved and we were always discussing it. I wasn't thinking serious "boyfriend/girlfriend" CD but I did think I was making some kind of a statement--even if I wasn't quite sure what it was. I put the CD with my stuff in the corner at my friend's house where I knew I would be crashing at after the bars.

That night the friend told me that he was getting back together with his ex girlfriend, and that she had just called him out of the blue and he felt that he wanted to give it a shot. It was great that he was honest, and I knew that he wasn't anywhere near over her, but damn him! He waited until we were both drunk. I couldn't help it--two fat tears formed in my eyes and began rolling traitorously down my cheeks. I wiped them away quickly, but they continued. They were silent, they were involuntary...they were making me glad that I had the foresight to wear waterproof makeup. I continued to stay out, and get free drinks at the bar (while the tears continued to flow even though I was maintaining conversations and ignoring them). Apparently a damsel in distress (and in leather pants) is still an attractive thing (ick).

That night Ry drove me home. I was supposed to stay somewhere else but it was clear that I was drunk and I was a wreck, so he took me home to my mom's house. He rang the doorbell at 2:00am and made the handoff to my mom. He shrugged, grinned wryly and said, "Sorry" to my mom. She told me I sat on the couch and put my head in my hands and continued to cry but I wouldn't speak.

The guy/friend isn't/wasn't a "bad" guy by any means. In fact, when Ry and I left the bar it began to snow heavily. The guy drove in the opposite direction from his home and waited at Ry's house to see how I was doing. In fact, Ry was a little pissed at me the next morning because he ended up consolling him about hurting my feelings.

I never gave that guy the CD, in fact, I burned another copy and gave one to Ry and one to my seemed to suit them better the next morning than the guy it was originally intended for.

If you were to make me a CD, what song or songs would you include on it for me? Why?
Me At My Immature Best
Does anyone else giggle at the Friendly's Restaurant commercial when they say if you buy a certain meal you'll get on of the Friendly's famous "Happy Endings" Sundae? No wonder they call the place Friendly's. Just a random thought as I sit here procrastinating.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Veronica Mars Is The Single Most Kick Ass Show Ever
Take it from me...I discovered Nip/Tuck--1st episode, 1st season. I just watched the season finale of Veronica Mars (possibly the series finale) and let me tell you...never in my life have I seen something so exciting. Veronica finds out last week that she slept with her boyfriend who may/or may not be her brother. She begins dating this guy Logan, until she sees the camera centered over his bed. Her best friend was bludgeoned to death and visits her in dreams (ala Twin Peaks...except without the crazy owl lady)...Oh boy! was it ever fantastic. If you get a chance, and you need mindless but intriguing/exciting entertainment catch this when it goes on UPN reruns!!
My Creepy Neighbors Vol. 3
My neighbor comes out to sit on his front step to watch me mow my lawn. I'd be creeped out slightly if I thought he was coming out to watch "a hot piece of ass" mow the lawn...but as I wear baggy sweats, a t-shirt and baseball cap, I know that this is an impossibility. He isn't seeing anything except old sweats! So why? Is he there to critique my mowing abilities? Now there's a possibility. I am terrible. My dad enjoyed mowing the lawn back when I lived at the family I never learned how. Damn you Dad! Now I know it's not rocket science or anything but my next door neighbor mows like daily and makes cool cris-cross patterns like he owned a baseball field rather than .25 of an acre...and his wife plants enough flowers to stock a fucking home show. Then there's me. I always have to go out and pick up all my friend's cigarette butts and beer bottles from off my porch and pick up the Geranium I always forget to water.

The neighbor across the street though, alludes me. Why must he strike up stupid conversations with me? Why must he do it why the mower is running? Why must he ask me about the cars that appear in my driveway--uh duh, you know the answer to you want me to say because I'm banging multiple men? Well...actually I'm not (at this moment). I'm not having sex with anyone. I'm in mourning for Matty. Why do I live in a neighborhood that makes me want to hide in my house at any given moment.
Wedding Bells Are Ringing
Cr and her boyfriend C (on , off and then on again for over two years...almost three) are getting married. I think Cr has finally realized what a truly fantastic guy C really is. He is a one in a million type to be honest. She bought her dress yesterday, they set a very close date--September 25th and Cr just called to ask me to be her maid of honor...which of course, I have accepted. Stay tuned to many wedding updates!
Best Friends Forever
After writing that post about my dad I stopped and think about how little Tash and I hang out anymore. Growing up, we were fairly inseparable. We lived three houses away from each other and still, I slept over her house on the weekends just so that we could stay up late at night to talk about guys, watch Saturday night live and make late night trips to the refrigerator. We laughed over the most rediculous things all the time--to the point where we were yelled at to shut up! We went through our awkward stage at the same time and we struggled to find a way to stand out without actually stand out. Let's just say our fashion sense and our hairstyles needed more than a little tweeking. We grew out of it for the most part. Tash, to this day is considered one of the hottest people ever to come from the "Cornfield" although, that's not how they treated her growing up.

When I went away to college, I definitely missed her. I made tons of friends, it was easy to do...but there's always that feeling that people just don't "get" you. I mean how could they? They didn't have everything in context. On those rare occasions that Tash came to visit me I was both excited and scared. Was I the same person that I was when I was back home? Did I want to be? Was I selling out and becoming phony or was I merely adapting? I never had the guts to ask her what she thought about that. The next year she joined me at college.

Again, it was great to have a piece of home at school with me, especially a piece that was such an integral part of my life. It was also a little strange. I have to say I was a little nervous about taking too much of her time up and not allowing her to have a true "1st year" experience and in that same respect I didn't want her to be floundering out there without anything to do. I can't say that I was very good at the balancing act and I left her lacking, epecially when I decided to join a sorority (which she later joined).

Flash forward to the end of school. Our college career closed. Over our senior year we did very little together besides sleep under the same roof and drive home together over holidays. I was still drinking like a fish, partying like a moron and just generally acting like an asshole--although having a good time doing it. Tash, on the other hand had found love. After college, Tash became very successful in her career. She has always been highly intelligent, hard working and efficient--this has helped her move up the career ladder very quickly. And let me tell you, she rakes in the dough...hell, she probably needs two rakes to do it.

I, on the other hand sank like a stone. After my dad died I was mean to everyone. I didn't go out, I didn't drink and I was not interested in anything except for my pain. After a failed job and a very near mental breakdown, I went back to school and pursued a new career. During this time, Tash and her college boyfriend decided to get married.

So now she's married. I used to send her cards and stuff just to say hey because I know we're all busy and I didn't want her to think I was upset that we didn't hang out as much because I know how things change. Friendships if they are going to last, have to morph and grow over time. For a time, we actually lived near each other again--both having townhouses on the same street. Even then, we didn't actually see each other much at all.

Now Tash and her hubby have purchased their "dream" house, their life seems to me to be idyllic--peaceful and serene with two spunky dogs for good measure. He loves his job, she likes hers (I think)...and I haven't spoken to her since my birthday party in March except for a couple of one line emails (she's VERY busy at work). For Christmas I had to send her Christmas presents as well as her birthday presents because I didn't see her at all for either occasion. I guess I didn't have to send anything but it felt too strange not to. I couldn't give up on our friendship. But now...I guess I have to. It hurts too much not to.

I wouldn't ever dream of blaming Tash for anything. This isn't a blame's a change thing. She has a real life. She's going to school to get her MBA, she cooks, cleans and hangs out with her husband. She's incredibly close to her family and spends a lot of time with her sisters and her cousins. She just doesn't have time to be my friend anymore...well that, and don't think she thinks that I've changed much since college. She may be right. I don't know. I don't know if it really matters one way or another. For the most part, (other than meeting men) I focus on being a decent person.

I have to say, as I spent my day on Saturday just trying to make it through quietly by myself I wondered where she was--not even where she was physically, but why she hadn't called at least? Saturday was when it really hit home that we aren't even really friends anymore. It's not like we're not friendly and it wasn't like there was an argument, there wasn't just kept on fading out--and I keep trying to hold onto the little bits. This became really clear the other day. I spent most of my day crying over the loss of my dad--to the point where I made myself dry heave and throw up. I spent some of the time on the phone with my mom trying to relive funny moments and to make each other laugh (she was working--I don't know how, she too had similar dry heaving experiences) and then I spent the rest of the time wondering what happened to my closest friend. I feel like someone else died on Saturday, although it took five years to happen.

It's really disappointing because I always thought our friendship would've been able to withstand anything. I mean seriously, how many people can you say that you've known since you were seven? I always admired that my dad was able to maintain friendships that he had with people that he had been friends with since elementary school. I wanted that too.
Monday, May 09, 2005
Are You A Dogger?
As I was cooling down from my workout I rode the stationary bike and read an article in Marie Claire. I'll admit, I was drawn to the article by the front cover headline, "The New Sexual Trend You Must Hear About" (or something like that), I didn't want to be left out of the loop you know, I mean what, sex has been around for oh 20-30 years right? There has to be new stuff! (That was skeptical sarcasm. I always laugh at the sex articles in magazines, because they just say the same stuff over and over again...and I always wonder if people take the mag with them in bed to get it "just right"). Well knock me over with a feather! This was NEW to me...

Dogging--go here to read more about it, but in a nutshell it's kind of like group sex out in the open air combined with a voyeristic element. You can partake in just "regular old sex" with your own partner in your car with the light on and allow other "doggers" to watch. If you open your car door, you are inviting others in. If you open a window, you are sending the signal that you would either like the voyeurs to fondle you or that you would like to fondle them. Perhaps you don't want to have sex with your partner and would instead prefer to have sex with ten random strangers while your partner watches? Well that happens too.

Apparently this is a huge thing in the UK. I had never heard of it...had you? The sexual phenomenon has been examined here in the US but it appears that Americans prefer to take their multi-partner liasons to hotel rooms for the most part. Although it was mentioned that Americans will use state parks and rest stops for such encounters (the author documented that these were primarily one on one encounters...and over 80% were homosexual-- I don't know about the validity of that number though so don't quote me on that).

I'm steering clear of dogging. But I have to say that the article amazed me, and I will admit that I am reading other articles on it as we speak (most of them of from medical, and psych/soc. journals rather than the "scientific" journal of Marie Claire). So what do you think? Weird? Interesting? Intriguing? Gross? Do you know people who have done this? I am SO curious now. But not that curious!
The Serial Killer Is At It Again...
A long, long time ago (about five months ago) I wrote a post about how I kind of felt like a serial killer keeping mementos from all of my ex's/various encounters and how I was going to go cold turkey and drop all these items off at Good Will. I figured that way, someone could benefit from my years of whoring--ahem--I mean hording.

Well, I have been so good since then. I haven't collected anything from anyone. I mean, it's usually inadvertant. I'd either borrow a sweatshirt when I was cold and forget to give it back, somehow I ended up with a plethora of boxer know random stuff. Now, I have a new trend in my life--guys' things that they left behind and I can't talk to them to give them back to them. Well I could talk to them but we're all in awkward stages in our intereactions with each other...and with all of them, it would just be an excuse to talk with them.

I am awkwardly "stuck" with a small tasteful collection of Matty's porn (stuck as in, I've watched them all and it was more fun to watch with him), his shirt, his undershirt and two of his CDs (one of which we made together, so I guess it doesn't count). I just realized that he has MY sweatshirt from my birthday. I am also stuck with a pair of Todd's boxers (I guess he left them behind?? Uh dunno about that one. Actually, I'm going to plead the fifth there). I guess I could give them back, but I would probably gain another pair in the trade off. And of course, I have Drk's shirt. Bombshell guys---Drk's moving out of the Cornfield. I don't know where to (I haven't talked to him in a while and when I was at thitwbar on Fri I didn't even think to ask)--I think the big city of Philly to pursue his musical career. I want Drk to have his shirt, because I don't want it. Damn! I guess I have to be a big girl and give it to him.
It's Safe To Say...
It's safe to say that we'll never hear from the cop confidence faltered and failed me. I left a message where I stuttered, attempted to be witty ( and fell flat miserably) and then I said something like, "Well give me a call back...or whatever." Or whatever? Very, very bad I must go to the gym and work the embarassing message out of my mind. At least I can say that I called him back! That's about all I can say...oh and I can say that it was short "but not so" sweet. I think I clocked in at 38 seconds. Let's hope he finds nervousness endearing, but I safe to say that a date with the man in blue is pretty much out of the question. And now...we're moving on.

No actually, we're focusing on Jeopardy! and brushing up on everything!
To Call, Or Not To Call
So I guess I should've called the cop before today...I wasn't thinking. His words stuck in my head that he wasn't free until Monday or Tuesday and or possibly Sunday after Mother's Day and so I kept thinking, "Ok I'll call him Sunday or Monday." I'm thinking I should've called him before today. But I didn't. Shit. "Listen all y'all it's a sabotage!" I am deciding whether to bother calling him now, since it's been a week...he did leave it in my hands-and he did say that he wasn't going to call me. I just wish he would've said, "I wait with baited breath for your call," well because then, I wouldn't be nervous about calling him back--because I never would. Fuck me, this sucks. Although Chelle did put things into perspective when she reminded me that she was "dumped" by voicemail by a 40 year old guy who was seriously whacked out of his mind! Ok, so she wasn't dumped but he did tell her that he was moving back to CA but she seemed like a very nice girl. She only gave him her phone number because she was trying to be nice.

My mom and I had a long talk about me and my sabotaging ways with men a funny way. She didn't attack me for once, she just kind of shook her head at me when I told her the Matty story and how that all ended because I blew him off--because I liked him too much and now how I'm kicking myself. She was hilarious because she leaned over the table at me and said, "Was he any good in bed?" and my response? "Um probably the best I've ever had." And all she did was giggle and say, "Dummy". Where are those words or wisdom I needed? Oh wait, she did say, "Well you could call him back and grovel a bit." To which I responded, "I tried once. I'm just going to wait it out and see how long him and [she that will not be named] stay together. I'm hoping a month or less."

So that's the excitement here folks... Iguess I should just bite the bullet and call him. Ah but which "him" am I talking about? The Cop. I'm still in "Don't Look Back" mode.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
This Isssss...Jeopardy...
I have received an invitation to try out for Jeopardy! Whoo hoo! I'm so excited. It has been my lifelong dream to be on the I just need to brush up on my knowledge of the Bible and Geography and US Presidents. I've got the Hodgepodge category downflat...
The Other Half Of The Equation
To all the mothers out there, "Happy Mother's Day!" Today, my mom has to work but I'm making her dinner this evening. It really won't be that much of a treat for her because I'm not the best cook in the world but if the weather holds up I'll do some grilling, then perhaps she'll get something edible.

I've written a lot about my dad but I never really write about my mom. It's probably because my dad was a force of nature in my life and my mom, well she was the palm tree that weathered the storm. On the news you never hear about the palm tree, but you always hear about the storm. I guess it's time to pay tribute to my ma. [Do not confuse "the biker" with my dad, the "biker" is just the other half of my double helix]

My mother was strikingly beautiful, like double take gorgeous. Or at least that's what I always thought and today, she's still beautiful. She had me when she was eighteen. She told me she considered having an abortion and going to college; she even went to the clinic...but she never sat down in the seat. She walked in, and walked out (she didn't just openly tell me this, I asked). She hid the pregnancy for several months from her very catholic family and when she finally told them; they told her that she had to leave--and that she was bringing shame onto the family. She packed up only a few things, leaving anything that her family had bought for her and moved almost two hours away from the only town she had ever lived in to be with the baby's father. A decision that she would not have made if she didn't have to leave town.

Gone was the sleepy life of living in an old coal she was living with a biker (at first it was exciting and it was what she wanted). A biker in an outlaw gang. She was surrounded by drugs, violence, guns and instability, but did not partake in any of it. She was subjected to being paraded about as an "accomplishment" for the Biker. Even pregnant, women were envious of her and narrowed their eyes in slits and their men tried talking to her or to touch her whenever they caught her in a room alone. She tried never to be in a room alone. The Biker was a jealous man, and the meth and other drugs that circulated in his system helped him to turn his jealousy into full on rage. He hit her. Often. Usually in the face because he enjoyed the fact that he could temporarily mar her beauty.

My mother was a strong woman, but she was without options. She was eighteen, she had no home, she had no friends, and she was nine months pregnant. She stayed with The Biker. After the baby was born she thought she would try talking to her parents who would never accept her collect calls. The Biker wanted to marry her. Actually, he wanted to keep her and if marriage was the cage to do it, then that's what he would do. My mother didn't want to make him angry so she asked him to wait. Wait until after the baby, wait until their lives "stabilized" (as if it ever could), she was buying time. For what? She didn't know yet. And then it happened.

The Biker was out with his friends raising hell and having a good time. I don't know the details but something caused a bartender to go on a shooting spree. It is said that he mistook the bikers for another gang but I have no idea. He shot six people. The Biker was hit in the spine. My mother went to visit him in the hospital nearly every day. My dad was the man who had to drive her every day (it was his duty as one of the Biker's "bros"). My dad had always liked my mom but he had always kept his respectful distance. He never acted as the other men had. Whenever he came to the house he always had a present for me...a stuffed animal, a bib that said, "Spoiled Rotten" just random little things. Every day that he drove her around, he fell more and more in love with her. He dealt with this secret for months. He was happy with the fact that they became friends. Until one day she kissed him on the cheek good night when he brought her home from the hospital. He told me that his head swam, and that he felt giddy from a kiss on the cheek.

The Biker was in pain. Although he was partially paralyzed there was something else going on (I don't know the details) and he was in constant pain. Whenever my mom went to visit him, he told her that he loved her, that he wanted to have more children with her, that she was the most beautiful woman in the world and that he was sorry for everything that he did. My mother cried for him. She felt pity for him but she found out that she didn't love him, and she cried for herself as well.

The Biker died not long after that. He officially died from a detached blood clot--although it has been mentioned that he decided he wanted to die and that his "boys" brought in enough drugs for him to OD. I don't know the truth, and I don't necessarily care. My mother was again alone, aside from me. The Biker's house was placed into the hands of my grandfather who openly called my mother a harlot and kicked her out (he later decided he wanted a relationship with me--because ironically he lived in the Cornfield too...he was a nice man to me but he very judgemental due to his religious beliefs). She had nowhere to go again. She had given up on the collect calls to her mother. She could stay with friends for a while...she could rely on the Club to support her for a bit. And then my dad stepped in.

He offered her a room in his home in the suburbs. No strings attached. This would not be the kind of offer that many of the guys would be willing to give her, she knew. He told her she could stay for as long as she needed and that he would get me some new clothes and new toys. She accepted. Within two weeks he gave her his mother's engagement ring (which he had been holding onto since she died when he was 13) and asked her to never leave him. She never did.

Together, my parents gave me an idyllic life. Neither went to college, my dad didn't even finish high school--he went to Vietnam instead. I went to a private school. They had a rule that I could take any lessons or classes that I asked for. Because of this I went to swimming and diving classes, ballet, and gymnastics. I played the drums, piano and the trumpet. I took painting, drawing and other assorted crafting classes. I became a scuba diver. I went diving in tropical locations alone at the age of 15. I was loved by two parents who were deeply in love. My dad called us "The Family Unit" and we did everything together. I never had a babysitter, and neither of my parents felt tied down to me. My parent's "first date" was the drive in movie theater down the road from our house. Guess who was sleeping in the back seat? Me.

So thank you Mom. Thanks for being part of my family unit. Thank you for giving me all the opportunities that you weren't given or that you were unable to take advantage of. Thank you for being open and honest with me, and never judging me. We've been through some of the worst times of our lives together and we got through it. Thanks for being my mom, thanks for being one of my closest friends. I admire you every day for your courage, strength and your ability to laugh at the world. You are one of the brightest women I know, with a keen insight on how the world works. You've handled obstacles with grace and you a woman full of calm dignity. You are an example of what is good and pure, and I love you for it--and everything else I haven't mentioned.