This is blog of a woman who didn't know what she wanted and so chased after dreams and men in search of the answers...drunken hilarity ensued. Then one day she met a man who was everything she wanted, but he wasn't so sure. Then she did the unthinkable; after they broke up she gave him this blog address and she let him into her mind as well as her heart. Unbelievably, even after sorting through the sordid archives of failed relationships, one night stands and her lusty (and embarassing) pursuit to secure the heart of a certain young line cook, John somehow managed to fall in love with her too. Melina and John were married a little over six months after they started dating, running away to Las Vegas to seal the deal. You can imagine what the over/under bet was to see if they'd even make it a year!! Over a year later and they are still going strong...this blog has become their story. Need to tell me something? Email me at Melinalovesjohnny at gmail dot com
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Wednesday, May 31, 2006
The road to here...(a whole lotta love and thanks)
The road to get here was random and wonderful (at times, not so wonderful) and I thought it best to thank the people responsible.

I have to thank T for going out with me on Thanksgiving Eve and suggesting that for ONCE we actually get our asses out of The Cornfield and go (to that very far away town) 5 miles away, so that I could meet Johnny at Random Bar I've Never Been To (well that wasn't the plan, but it turned out that way). Of course, all I said was "Hi" (maybe I mumbled a few other things) and then I took a picture of him and T...funny though, we have no idea where that picture is. I think I also tripped over Roommate 1's can on my way to the um, thanks Roommate 1, just for that...

Then I have to thank Chelle for getting us "stranded" at Ronnie and JB's house, by letting T, John and Tony leave without us...we thought the party was still going on...but when we turned around, everyone was passing out (I guess I should also thank that gross black rum that the boys were puking over the side of the deck). I thank Chelle because if it wasn't for her, and the fridgid weather, Johnny would've never been back to pick us up and whisk me off for about 12 hours of mayhem over at Tony's house. He would've never gotten to witness my drunken ramblings that are ever so cute (um, not so much...but I held it together pretty well that night).

I have to thank T for that night as well, because if it weren't for her...John wouldn't have had my number in his phone--which he left in there...hmm...

I have to thank Tony for telling John as he walked out the door to pick me up, "Don't you fuck her John..." I think Tony intrigued him...what kind of train wreck was he picking up?? (for the record...he didn't touch me everyone).

I have to thank the holidays...because then John wouldn't have had a reason to text message me, and I wouldn't have had a reason to text back.

I have to thank Myspace surveys for giving me a reason to email him...because it WAS imperative that I find out specific details from his survey (ahhh, I'm a dork). Oh yeah, trying to reel him in baby...reel him in...

I have to thank my quick mind for lying when he called me to ask me out and I said that coincidentally, I was going to be in Philly one random Tuesday on the 3rd of yeah, have I said how much I leave this town? Not that often...lied through my teeth.

I'll thank Jameson and High Life for breaking the ice on another (later) very important date*wink wink*. The combo really got my pants off with no worries...

I'll thank everyone for dealing with the drama that ensued after a while...I should thank Nick from the FQB for filling my glass full of whiskey on Sundays when my heart was hurting. I thank Tara,Chelle and E for all listening to me and just letting me babble without telling me what to do...although, I'm sure there were times when you wanted to tell me what to do, and John where to go :) You guys are the best!

I guess I even thank all the crazy situations that we dealt with (I mean, I'm sure I could've done without them), but now I know how much better things can be. I know what kind of man John can be when he allows his heart to be in it. Incidentally, I have to thank all the commenting bloggers too...I think some of your comments made him really examine what he was doing...doing to me, to himself and to us. I thank myself for being brave enough to give him access to my was a huge decision and it could've been a very bad thing, but to be honest? I think it was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. He got to read the good, bad, overly dramatic (at times) me...but at least I was always truthful, even if some of my self analysis was a little far fetched :)

And now I'll thank John for making me the happiest girl alive. Everyday you do or say something so small, so incidental and it blows my mind that a) you are so sweet/kind/and working on patient and b) you know me so well. I can't wait to marry you. I can't wait to share my life with you and create an even better one than any I've ever imagined.

You have my heart and you are my heart.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
she may speak 18 languages and can't say no, but she sure as hell can say YES!
Sorry no's been a whirlwind of weddings, winding things down at work and all that good stuff that is pretty good, but very time consuming. That being said...I have news.

John and I are engaged! He asked me on Friday, and I said yes! So now there's lots of planning to do as well as beginning to figure out where our lives are going to take us. If I thought I was ecstatic last week, words can't even express how I feel right now. I'd do a jig, but I think I would look goddarn-ridiculous. However, I'm very cute when ridiculous.

So, I'm going to have a husband someday, and a wedding and a ring (I didn't really think I'd be that girl who gets excited about a sparkly ring, but I caught myself looking at them today at work...and I also caught myself with little dazed smiles...I felt very Stepford wife-like but *shrugging* it's still nice). Never in my wildest dreams did I think that was going to happen ("this" being, me getting married)...not sure why. But every day, John amazes me with his kindness, his consideration and his belief that together we can do anything. He hugs me and I can't think of a safer, warmer place to be--I close my eyes and squeeze him tightly, taking in his scent, revelling in everything that I feel that seems to only grow stronger with his every touch, with his every glance. He kisses me and my mind reels, and I feel a little crazy. When he takes my pants off...well I guess I can't talk about my future husband like that :) he he.

I take it as a very good sign that in the 100 plus hours we spent with each other over the past few days that his only signs of annoyance (which he mostly tried to quell) stemmed from either my dog being a pain in the neck and when I let him order onions and hot peppers on our shared hoagie and I picked them all off with disdain...that one he couldn't hide and muttered under his breath, "I'm going to kill you and it's going to be a very bloody murder." In my understanding, that means, "I love you...I can't live without you, and I'll let you pick peppers off our hoagies when we're old and senile." (am I wrong here?) I thought it was nice of me to give John "extra" toppings, by letting him order the offensive vegetables. Oh we know for the future how it's going to pan out. We'll sleep in the same bed, but we'll be eating separate hoagies.

Let's recap here...he excites my mind, excites my body (holy crap does getting engaged up the libido!!! whooo!), he gives me hope and I'm 99.44% sure that he's the best thing that ever happened to me (it was 92 degrees out today, that cool shower I took when I got home from work was nearly the best thing that ever happened to me too!) If I could write music, I'd write him a song...if my poetry weren't so cliche right now (I feel like an eighth grader--it could get really ugly when I start rhyming "love" "dove" and "above") I'd put my words on paper...but since I can't do any of that, I'm writing this little electronic love letter instead.

I'm a lucky girl.
He's a lucky boy.
And we're lucky that we didn't throw in the towel on any of this...because we're quite a team. You best watch your backs now kids, we're fairly unstoppable.
Monday, May 22, 2006
If Happiness were a poison...
...then I'd be dead by now. Part of the reason I'm not posting as much is because I no longer have blogger access from work...I can read blogs but I can't post or comment on them until I come home. The other reason why I'm not posting as much is probably because I'm just bursting at the seams with happiness and it's all due to one person--yep, that ol' boy again. John. And who really wants to hear all my mushy goodness???

This weekend he gave up his Friday night out and came with me unbegrudgingly to a wedding in Harrisburg. I picked him up from the train station right after he was done work (making for a super long day) and whisked him away on a several hour a place where he didn't know anyone, and he still did it with charm, wit and with smiles.

At the wedding I suppose we disgusted some people because we mostly just talked to each other, smiled at each other and gave each other the occasional smooch...everyone else was milling on the dance floor and neither of us wanted to partake in the Cha Cha Slide, the Electric Slide or (godforbid) the Chicken Dance, so the opportunity to talk about hypothetical weddings was there. My friend's wedding was held in a very nice Holiday Inn overlooking the lovely Cumberland Valley. The food was excellent, getting to see old friends and catch up with them was also nice, however, John and I both learned that a "formal" wedding wasn't something that either of us wanted. And no, (if you're worried) I'm not running off to marry John tomorrow, or even next month...we were just chatting about an ideal wedding and who'd we'd invite--if it ever came to pass. Although, at this point (and don't get scared John), I can easily see us getting married and making each other happy until the ever after.

Let me just take the time to say that John could get his official halo right now. We went to the wedding and he was the sweetest date ever. He put up with the fact that I hadn't removed this plastic stuff from my bumper that was dragging on the ground (the whole ride to Harrisburg) with only slightly gritted teeth. He removed said piece of plastic before we left, I had completely forgotten it...but somehow, the noise remained etched in his memory and with a few twists of a bolt, the offending plastic was safely placed in my backseat. He put me at ease at the reception (I'm was feeling less than attractive) when my ankles swelled to laughable proportions due to what I believe were spider bites on the backs of my calves. We get home and I whined about the jungle that was my back lawn and he patiently put on his sensible shoes and mowed it to a manageable length. Then he set to work on fixing the gate to my fence. What's this angel doing? Gunning for Mother Theresa's job? I think so.

When he left with his friend for a bachelor party, I sat down and emailed him my thanks (obviously I did it in person as well) but I really wanted to reiterate that I appreciated all that he had done for me and that his efforts weren't being taken for granted. I don't need (I could get off my lazy ass and take some preventative measures) him to work on my house, or expect him to work on this house...but his help was noticed, appreciated and loved. I checked my email later and he sent me the sweetest response, "I think I'd do just about anything for you." Aww, didn't Meatloaf say that too? ha ha.

And the rest of the weekend, although we didn't get to see each other, I felt loved because we volleyed texts back and forth quoting Punch Drunk Love, telling each other we missed and loved each other and while I was off getting a little tipsy with one of his very best friends yesterday, I was wishing I was laying on the couch next to him, snoozing, laughing or kissing. So yeah, I guess my posts aren't full of drama right now (and hopefully not for a very, very long time) but I'm just about certain that I've never been happier.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
If John and I were laid end to end at the prom I wouldn't be surprised...
A funny thing happened the other night when John and I were sipping whiskey and watching Scotland, PA. I suspect that John wanted me to shut up about the parallels to Macbeth--I mean yeah, they may be apparent but I was just bursting at the seams to tell/point out/nag him about all the subtleties, so he kept filling my glass until I drifted off to sleepytime and he could watch the movie in peace...not once but twice.

Once he had watched the movie to his heart's content in peace, he woke me up to go upstairs to bed. Now, this is all a second hand account, but according to him I was speaking nonsense (me? never! Never, I say...well...err, ok). In fact I kept trying to tell him to sign in while I was getting naked for a little before bed action...sign in for what you ask? The prom,...the prom. Yeah it doesn't make much sense to me either. But then again I rarely do...

So then John remembered the old "I seduced Bruce Springsteen story" in which I was with an old boyfriend, and I was mumbling nonsense about sneaking past body guards and in my drunken state thought that I was bedding down Bruce Springsteen. So John decided to test it out and see who I was trying to sign into the prom. He asked me..."Who do you think I am?" and he waited...

And the lucky man of my fantasy this time was...


That's right, I was fantasizing about my boy *smile and shrug* what can I say?
Monday, May 15, 2006
I hate to do the weekend recaps...but oh well...

T and I headed down to the city for Roommate 1's birthday extravaganza. We all looked quite stunning in our evening wear and we set out upon the town. We looked extra sharp when we rolled into the family style Italian restaurant, where everyone else was dressed normally. More than a few heads were turned but that may have been because the one girl with us looked especially gorgeous in her slinky red dress. Food, red wine and Sangria flowed for several hours until we were all more than a little tipsy and extremely stuffed as well as extremely camera ready. In the course of one night, we took 120 photos with my new digital camera...lord knows how many we took with Roommate 1's!

We moved on to a bar where we could sit outside and continue drinking, taking pictures and just creating general hilarity. I met T's ex-boyfriend who seemed like a great guy, John smooshed my foot with his chair accidently and we have an awesome picture of him looking at me like I'm crazy because I'm patiently saying over and over (faster and faster), "John! my foot! My foot! John! John! John!" until finally he lifted the chair up and rubbed my foot better and we watched some drunk guy try to get on his bike and ride home...he succeeded in wiping out several times until finally he gave up. I don't think I laughed harder in my life than that night...and that night continued long into the wee hours of the morning.


T had to get up and go to work and John and I weakly said goodbye and rolled right back over and went back to sleep. We both felt bad when we actually woke up and realized that we did, sorry T! John and I woke up for real around 1pm, feeling a little like death and a whole lot like hell. We rolled out of bed and groggily marched to the corner store for cigarettes, Gatorade and aspirin...all very necessary items. But the hangover cure? Chinese take out and lots of sex. After chowing down on tons of Chinese food, we attempted to watch The Empire Strikes Back but sleep was taking over once again. Basically, John and I were wastes of life...we went upstairs, fooled around and then passed out for a few hours.

After a shower, watching some boxing on TV and the rest of our Chinese food we rolled back into the Cornfield to see our friend Tony's band play. Tony and his band played well, and John got to do a little guest appearance since Tony was singing one of the songs that John wrote for their old band together. I only wish the other bands had been any good, because they really weren't...perhaps that's why we kept doing shots? To keep us preoccupied from the caterwauling? Who knows really? But again, after the show we went home and stayed up singing songs and drinking beer with Tony and again, we saw 5am for the second night in a row. This time, however, we weren't going to be able to sleep until 1 pm...


Ah Mother's mother was going to visit her mother, and because I'm a disappointing daughter, I opted out of that. I told her to give me a call when she got back into town and that I would take her to dinner or something and she was ok with that...maybe because she received two dozen roses from me the day before? I think so...I'm crafty, I knew I wasn't going to my grandmother's so I had to do something! We ended up going to breakfast with John's family.

I had met John's mom once before, his sister I've seen and been acquainted for awhile, so the only new addition was his brother...who turned out to be a hilarious story teller. And it was good that we were being entertained because the waitress screwed up all of our orders, and if the order wasn't screwed up, it was just plain gross. In fact, my meal had me laying on the couch groaning for about an hour.

But my groaning ended and John whisked me off to that lovely super store known as Target. There, I picked out a new DVD player (mine is very finicky and only likes to play about .003% of my discs, grabbed much needed toilet paper (we were forced to use napkins because I had forgotten to buy TP the last time I was at the grocery store--in 1998...seriously, it feels like it's been that long!), and a couple of DVDs. We went up to check out and John surprised me by buying me all my was a completely sweet gesture (plus, I think he was just getting a tad bit frustrated by my player and he knew I wouldn't be buying one anytime soon...)

On our way home from Target his sister called and invited us over to her house because she was bored. We stopped, picked up a couple of six packs and sat out on her deck with her. Soon after we arrived, so did their mom. And not long after this John became saddled with three very tipsy women on a deck. I absolutely loved hanging out with them. First of all, I love how close his sister and mom are to each other and I love how much they love John. I almost felt bad for him when he we all tried to guilt him into staying in the 'burbs for the night instead of going home...almost. It was particularly funny when John's mom, (after several glasses of wine) said, "I want a wedding in June. What are you waiting for? She's got pretty eyes..." (aww sweet of her to mention my eyes...because otherwise I looked fairly gross--hair in a pony tail, no makeup, and a shirt that for some reason continued to stretch and grow throughout the day...I think I could've made a better physical impression...but oh well, what are you going to do?) But John was pretty sweet when he said something to the effect of, "Well we're not getting married next month, but I do love her..." I'm not going to lie, in my mini stupor, my eyes teared up a little. I also liked when we all tried to talk him into moving back to the Cornfield...poor kid, three women ganging up on him--oh well, at least he knows he's well loved and that we all want him around.

After several hours with his family, I talked/pouted John into taking me to the FQB for takeout(thanks Sweetie!) and we set up the new DVD player. Nearly the second that we laid down on the couch my eyes shut and from what I hear, I snored quite impressively throughout the movie, waking up intermittantly to watch a scene or two. But when I woke up, our time was nearly up. He came upstairs with me and woke me up with a nice little quickie, held me and listened to me quietly whine about not wanting him to leave...and then finally I said, "Ok, you can go home..." because, although I do my best to make him feel badly about leaving me, I completely understand why getting up at 5am when you don't have to wake up until 8 might be a little less than appealing...especially when he was going to see me again tonight since I have off work tomorrow!

And that dearies was my weekend...
Friday, May 12, 2006
John Survived The Trials of the Flesh...
...and he didn't even get a lousy t-shirt, but I'm fairly sure he'll appreciate what he does get from me a little more than a t-shirt ;) Last night he sent me a text saying, "It was a pretty bloody day today" and when I asked him to explain, he said that he would tell me about it today. Of course, being a woman, I was super curious about it...but I just let it go, knowing I'd hear about it soon enough.

And here's what happened...After thinking about things and just going along with the plan for lunch with Rachel he decided that perhaps he should take a stand and not allow the "quarterly pop up" as John puts it. So he sent her a message that something to the effect of, "We both know that there's nothing between us anymore, so let's let the past be the past." In response to his eloquent statement he received a "k" back. Score one for John...score one for me too for that matter!

Then he gets a message from Jenny the Waitress, whom he's still friends with but completely not interested in, and rarely even sees. She asks if he wants to go out drinking and he says that he'll meet her. They go out, they get drunk, she asks, "How's the Pee Girl?" referring to me since the one and only time that we met I had pissed my pants in public due to the consumption of eight bottles of wine split between myself, John and Roommate 1. John defends me and says, " Please knock it off with that Pee Girl crap. I love her and I want to be with her so if you want to hang out with me, I'd like to be your friend but that's all I have to give." Apparently she wasn't expecting that and was hoping to lure him back with booze because she wavered back and forth between tears...and although, I'm not a fan of her, I do feel bad for her (only a tiny little miniscule amount). They go back to his house to drink some think you know where I'm going with this story? He still maintains true to his trials...and luckily for me, before the bottle of tequila was finished she got a booty call from her ex and she rolled out into the night and away from my boy. Good riddance. Anyways, I'm proud of you John...I'm not going to lie, I was a little nervous, less nervous after talking to you on Sunday but still a little nervous. You totally rock.

On another topic altogether...I'm a little nervous about the whole dress situation tonight. I didn't buy a new dress but I think I should've...I'm not really happy with any of my dresses...the one I liked the most, I tried on and I don't think I can zip it up all the way at the very top. I thought to myself, "WTF? How'd my back get wider? When in fact, it didn't get boobs got bigger from when I bought the dress back in my sophmore year of college." Sucks, it's a great dress...I'm half tempted to slap a little half cardigan on it and cover my back. Another dress option is this one that was a designer dress that was marked down like crazy. I wore it to my cousin's wedding a couple of years ago...although, I'm not sure I'm in love with the oval cut out over the breasts as I was back when I purchased the dress. It's cute, but it's a little high fashion/trashy combo. Oh what to do, what to do...
Never Commit it to Film...
I'm ready for my closeup...

I bought a new digital camera yesterday (my old one was ganked at a party last year...I've been too poor to go out and get a new one). When I told John my intentions of getting one, he told me that he's very good at "artfully" arranging photos, as well as tracing body parts that would look good on film. So, I think we're going to see how good of a photographer he actually is. Perhaps tonight?

I don't think you'll be seeing these photos.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
The Balancing Act...let me tell you folks, it's a thin line
Does anyone else have the problem with balancing your life when a man enters your life? I've never really had this problem, but we're not just talking about just any ol' man, but one that you want to spend all the time with, just laying around in bed, laughing at his jokes, listening to his opinions on things and watching how he hold his hands just so when he's trying to explain something to you. The man who you just want to constantly touch his face and kiss his lips and stare in his eyes. The man who makes me grin like an idiot for no good reason...and well...I digress. The point is, this is not just a "throw away" boy we're talking about.

See, I feel guilty in some respects because I don't see my friends as much as I'm used to and that I'm doing all these fun things without them. I feel like I'm constantly running away to the city but it's not the "good times" I'm after. It's John. I don't want anyone resenting me, but I just haven't figured out how to balance everything out yet. If John lived down the street from me, things would be different. I know at this point, no one's angry with me (at least I don't think) but, as things go on it may get "worse" before it gets better because it's getting to the point where I hate sleeping without him at night, I hate not waking up next to him and I look forward to the weekends where we get to do just that at least three nights in a row and I'm perfectly content--with or without sex, as long as he's holding me close and I can feel his heartbeat on my back, I'm happy. I fall asleep and I don't even bother to dream, because what's the point of dreaming when you're this content? (yes, yes...I'm well aware that I'm cheesier than any Kraft product out can't be helped right now)

You see...John and I didn't really start things off right--heck, our almost "first date" (which may or may not have been a date...still not sure) I had to get T to drive me there (which I'm super grateful for, not many people would agree to that awkward arrangement just because your best friend can't drive. She was also great for when I started to get nervous and lose my filter...she filled in my gaps when I became a stuttering mess and almost blew it). We started off by hanging out with all of our friends all the time. We'd go out in large groups to the bars, and true we always had a good time and also very true we basically just ended up kissing somewhere in the corner (or running out to the backseat of his car), but the point is...we were never alone.

About three weeks ago we started going out alone and almost revelled in the fact that we have a considerably great time together and things definitely took a turn for the better. Or as John said to me last night, "So it's this easy? We can just hang out together and have fun?" I'm not quite sure what complications he was expecting, but yes John, "It's that easy." I guess. Until one of us makes it hard...and I don't see myself doing that...and I know where you keep the knives John, so I don't suggest you do it either. kidding gorgeous...kidding...maybe.

So now I'm stuck. How do I balance? I'm so torn. I need to hang out with my friends here, I need to do my work that I need to bring home with me and work on nightly, I need to spend time with my dog, and I need to be with I need to figure out how I'm going to weave all of these aspects together so that everyone is happy.

On another note. I'm incredibly excited for tomorrow night. It's Roommate 1's actual birthday. The ten day celebration will culminate in a "black tie" dinner out on the town (I'm telling you, this birthday is better than Mardi Gras). John modeled his suit for me last night and kids, let me tell ya, I'm going to be hard pressed to be the cute one tomorrow night--he looked awfully sexy.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Someone's going to get it...and he knows it...
Hooray! In the effort of adding "interest" to the blog I feel the need to inform you that I'm going to the city tonight and I'm going to ravage him. Photos and commentary to follow...

...or not.
Tried and failed...
Oooh bet that title scared ya, didn't it? Bet you thought John and I had a nice big ol' crash and burn fight...nope, it's not that kind of post. What I tried and failed to do was to try not gush about John on the blog 'cuz I didn't want to be the girl that sits in the Cornfield pining away for a man that she just saw Monday night (albeit it was only for 20 mins). Hence the reason there was no post yesterday, because I was just pouty.

All night last night, I sat around moping around the house...getting as much work done for school as possible so that if there was a possibility that we were going to get to spend some (more) time together this week, I wouldn't be worrying about anything else. I kept picking up my phone, thinking to text him and tell him how much I miss him already--but was I ridiculous? Would he think that I'm just clingy? So, I put my phone down and continued to plow through my necessary papers.

Then I was done...what to do? T is still a little under the weather and by the time I finished my stuff it was probably a good idea that I didn't try and go out...Chelle, is trying to save the mantra "it was probably a good idea that I didn't try and go out", so like a nerd, I went to bed early.

But what to my wondering eyes should I see when I woke up at the ungodly hour that I roll out of my warm comfy bed? A text. I thought to myself, "A message from Johnny? Nah, probably a text from T, trying to organize a little quality time together." I open the phone and smile,
"One day and I already miss you?"
Oh John, I miss you too...probably more than you know.

Uggh, and I left my cell at home today and I feel like I forgot to bring my right arm...not that I really need it, since I'm left handed...I'm just saying....
Monday, May 08, 2006
Three Little Words...
I went down to the city on Saturday to hang out with John and the boys to celebrate day 5 of Roommate 1's ten day birthday extravanza. I took with me a bottle of wine and a bottle of Jameson which John and I (with a slight bit of help from Roommate 1) made quick work of. When I got there I was amazed to see that my beautiful man had shaved his beard off...I'm happy to report that he started growing it back already. It's not that he doesn't look good, because he does...he just doesn't look like him. The beard is pretty damn sexy.

We looked like a pretty dangerous crowd taking over the city. Roommate 1's brother and his friends were down and they were a pretty wild group and then you have the rest of us raging drunks...what we lack in menace, we make up for with our drunken enthusiasm. John and I left the crowd behind and did our own little bar was then that he finally said that he loved me. But we were drunk, did he mean it? I was too happy and too scared to find out.

Apparently he did mean it this time, because the next day I didn't mention anything, I just laid low. We stopped at a corner store on the way to brunch with his roommates and he said to me, "You know I wasn't just drunk, I really did mean it. I love you." I looked at him and said, "You mean for real? We're not just saying this because "it's fun" are we?" And he repeated himself, "No. I love you." So now instead of saying every word other than love, I can finally say to him (without freaking him out), "I love you Johnny..." instead of my "I adore you John" or "You're not half bad kid." He made me the happiest girl alive, and I'm happy he finally caught on to how wonderful I am...kidding.

I'm definitely kidding and he knows it because between being a sloppy drunk last night, getting into another tear filled screaming match and then making him have to wake up at 5am this morning and drive me home and then turn around and drive back to his house...I'm far from wonderful (at least not consistently). However, on the whole tense drive back to my house I kept trying to make it clear that I'm going to make an effort to be less of a ridiculous drunkard and more responsible for myself and I mean it, if it will make things even better between John and I. I would do anything for this boy, you name it kid, and I'd do it for you!

I don't think he knows how much I appreciated this weekend, and how much being with him helped. Typically, I'm a wreck on the anniversary of the accident. And true to form, I was an inebriated wreck but I was a happy wreck, rather than the sobbing mess I typically am. He kept my mind off things, and although I don't think John knew what he was getting into, he was a real trooper dealing with me; it takes a strong man to put up with my antics and shit... I promise to tone it down...promise.

So, he loves me...and I love him...and even though I'm dead tired, and my eyes get heavy everytime I blink, my heart races when I think of where this little journey is going to take us. Together, we can accomplish some amazing things, I think.

This was a horrible post but I really just wanted to write, "he loves me" because that's really the only important part of this little story. He loves me. Yay!
Saturday, May 06, 2006
An Apology Must Be Made...
Remember when I said that girls read into things far too much...and typically come to the wrong conclusion? Well that's me in a nutshell. For the past couple of days, actually the past two weeks, things with John seem so absolutely wonderful (actually words can't express how great a time I've had with him since the weekend with Better Off Dead/Baseball game--things just seemed to click) that I'm constantly fearing that the rug's going to be pulled out from under me...because when things get great--something bad typically happens (even though he's been saying some awfully nice things to me...encouraging things). Add the fact that Rachel's home (and I know, John's not planning on fucking it up), and I'm a paranoid, crazy mess. And now I apologize to John for that. I'm not typically like this at all (although I'm sure you're hard pressed to believe that) and our time together is too limited for me to be acting like a whacko.
Sorry Pumpkin.
Better and Better Looking...
The only possible reason this could be happening is because I must just keep getting better and better looking by the day...ha ha...only kidding. What's happening you ask? Well, I keep getting phone calls from ex boyfriends in the middle of the night, say around 2:18am when the bars are letting out. Hmm, whatever could they be calling for? I don't even have their phone numbers in my phone anymore! The only way that I know that it's them is from their long slurry messages. Notice I keep saying they and them? Well it's almost as if Mike (ex of several years ago) and Matty (although he and I were never actually together, I don't know how to write that one out) are working in tandem...but I'm not interested in what they're trying to sell me at all. I just ignore the calls, delete the numbers and go back to sleep--wishing it was John sending me a cute text or something late night, thinking about me or something girlie and wistful like that--because that's what I do.

And then there's the flowers...someone sent me lilies to my work yesterday afternoon, I actually got them this morning when I came in randomly on a Saturday. The card reads, "I really miss you." There's no signature and I'm not even intrigued at all--I know that they're not from John so I really could just care less. I just took the card out and threw it away, added water and put them in the break room for someone else to enjoy.

So I guess this is just a case of, "The grass is always greener..." for these boys and it's a case of the grass is just green enough right here, thank you very much-- for me. Flattering sure, but nothing more than that. I'm quite content.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Last night, she said...
Chelle is in love and it's nice to see. It's her first love--the first time of feeling the pins and needles, the infectious goofy grins when you catch a glimpse of the person, the first flip flops of her stomach when she's alone thinking, "Is this great thing all going to go horribly wrong?" In my mind it's nearly a universal experience. Last night she was discussing the rollercoaster of emotions that she's feeling...the whole insecurity, the out of control feeling and then the realization that if it's ever going to work, you have to kind of give in and let the ride take you where it will. I don't know if you're aware of this, but girls read into things...all the fucking time--and most of the time, this reading into things--ruins things. I sent her a joke the other day about this and she said to me last night, "You know what? It's so freakin' true! The other night Rob was in a bad mood and was all silent and sulky and I felt horrible. I kept second guessing myself wondering what the hell I did to piss him off." I laughed at/with her but I agreed wholeheartedly. It is all very scary, even when it seems to fall perfectly in place, like it has for her. In fact, they've recently had the "marriage talk"...even though they've only been dating since February they both are certain that they've found "the one" and are talking about getting engaged, moving into his house and renting hers out. Wow...that threw me for a loop, but I'm impressed that they've gotten this far already. It's insane. But it's also so cool.

While she was talking I was pining to be with John like a little kid. I hate living so far away from him most of the time. Sometimes it's ok, we all need our space, but I swear, if I get a little fix of him...I always want more...and I don't just mean just the sex (although I will take it, if it's being offered!), I mean the proximity, the laughs, the ability to reach down and rub his thigh, or rest my head on his shoulder and drape my arm across his chest...but I guess that's my own roller coaster ride to deal with...especially since through this experience I learned how jealous a person I am. I never knew before, or maybe I just didn't care enough to be. It's tough to rein in but I try very hard. And speaking of jealousy...

I thought this was funny. T was getting jealous! Jealous of me going to the city, and jealous that I've been spending so much time alone with Johnny...she cracked me up. She wasn't mean about it, she was hilarious...anytime I mentioned something funny from the night before she'd roll her eyes to the ceiling and say things like, "Why don't you go back down to the city right now if you had so much fun with the boys?" (which I would've in a heartbeat had I not been drunk) and "Oh let me have a story about John don't you? Ha ha..." So basically I was shut down, but it was was pretty funny.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
I heart the city...I heart John and his roommates...
Last night I went down to the city...I got there early, which amazed me more than you can possibly believe since I drove about 30mph the whole way down! Anyways, I get there and John opens the door in a towel, obviously ready to hop in the shower. After a few smooches I was sent to the kitchen to drink a beer and listen to Tiger Army while he primped for me--and in walked Roommate 1 and Roommate 2.

We chatted while John's showering, and they eyed my dress wondering where we're going. I know, it's shocking, I wore a dress...I kind of felt it would be nice to show John that I'm a girl (aside from the obvious ways in which he knows) since he only sees me in jeans and long sleeve t-shirts. So I dressed up for him--pretty dress, low cut, high heeled sandals-- the whole deal. And from the few stolen moments in the kitchen when the roommates weren't in there, I feel like the dress was appreciated...I won't regale you with the dirty details, but trust me, I was quite happy that I wore a dress. So they ask me what we're doing, and I said that we were going out to eat because I had a massive windfall of money (well massive for me!), and Roommate 1 says, "But it's my birthday week kickoff...!" (and that's why I love him...he's just like me with the whole birthday week celebration, I love people who turn their birthdays into extravaganzas!) So when John came back down, I quickly agreed that the roommates should join us. Ah but where to go?

John came up with the perfect place--it was this super cute Mexican restaurant, which, inconsequentially had the best damn margaritas that I ever tasted in my life...although it was just a few sips of John's. We had some of the best food I ever had, even though, I didn't touch half of my was so good, I was just incredibly stuffed. I drank enough beer to make my head all swimmy and on our way out to the car we debated whether Rage or GnR was the better band...I was outvoted and we screeched Welcome to the Jungle and Mr. Brownstone all the way home. We continued out for a little bit, but then John and I had to turn into pumpkins since unlike Roommate 1 and 2, we had to get up in the we headed home around 10:30ish. I just have to say it, I have the best time ever with those boys, they're constantly cracking me up, and they are definitely upping my street cred as I'm seen in the city with the three most handsome men around (John being the only one that matters of course). And it was thrown out there that I can come down to the city this summer and pal around with the boys for a little drunken debauchery, and hangovers in the park while John slaves away at work all sounds fairly ideal to me...bumming around the city for awhile. It's nice to get out of the Cornfield, it's even nicer to be with John--he gives me a perma-smile, I feel like an idiot because I can't wipe it off my face.

John and I left the bar early, and I apologized because as always we have to leave early for me...I don't know what happened, we were going to watch Punch Drunk Love again, but somehow I ended up naked and sweaty for a couple of hours--not that I'm complaining...hell, I'm going to suggest watching that movie all the time if this is what's going to happen! On a side note-- I've decided that we might be trying to live in a musical, because we're constantly laying on the bed singing songs to each other, kissing and whatnot...I wonder what our musical would be called? Hmm...

This morning I woke up when the alarm went off at an ungodly hour (thank goodness John set his clock, because although I told him to remind me to bring my purse upstairs where my cell phone's alarm was set). Well, I get up and grabbed the "water" from the nightstand and took a huge swig and then I start wasn't water, it was John's wine from the night before! After that, I just felt it was futile to go home right away (read: I wanted a few more stolen hours with my man) so I put in for a half day, ripped my clothes back off and crawled into the bed and snuggled up against John's warm body. And I have to say, that John's getting much better at controlling the morning snark...he's kind of cranky in the morning, but lately when I've been waking his ass up, he's been holding it together rather nicely...maybe because I put out? Who knows :)

And now for my confession of the day:
Seeing John in his work clothes this morning made me want to rip them back off and lead him up to the bed, but instead, we got in my car and I dropped him off at work. Well you know the song, "Every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man" right? I'm right, right?
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
The Missing Piece...
Well, it's that time of year again. The anniversary of my dad's motorcycle accident. On May 7th, I will have been graduated from college for six years and one day--I always knew college graduation was going to be a milestone in my life, but in actuality, I only enjoyed being an allumna for about 15 hours. I sat around drinking strawberry Margarita's with my best friend Tash in our apartment when we got the call. "M, could you put Tash on the phone?" It was strange, I had known Tash's mother my entire life, she didn't want to make small talk with me? True, she had just seen me the day before in all my cap and gown glory...but gosh!

And I'll never forget Tash looking at me and saying, "M, we gotta go home." We thought it was bad for the first fifteen minutes of the drive, then we convinced ourselves that our conniving families had thrown us a joint surprise graduation party since we grew up and lived next door to each other. We laughed and sang the whole way, my laugh however, wasn't completely genuine and I don't think hers was either. I looked down at myself and realized that I was wearing a tank top with no bra, a pair of shorts and I had neglected to put on my flip flops...I had already put myself on auto-pilot, a feeling that I would be experiencing often for the next year...going through the motions, half heartedly and not at all well.

It came to pass that I was correct. Something bad had happened. I looked at the weeping people holding my mother through the bay window as we pulled up in the driveway. I got out of the car and fainted. I knew then, that my father was dead and that nothing would ever be the same again.

I try to keep my dad alive in my funny stories, because we have so many great tales...because we (as a family) were tight. In fact, we called ourselves "a family unit" and we conducted our lives that way, as a unit, hoping to better all our situations together. I've let go of our ugly fights; knowing that we had them and often went months without speaking to one another is enough for me. I'm not rewriting history, I just cherish the fact that he was my dad, my hero. My dad saved my neck so many times, particularly when he should've just let me "learn the hard way" as he growled to me after rescuing me. He tried to show me my potential often as well, saying, "You do know that you're a beautiful girl with so much heart right, you can and should achieve anything you want? You're going to do great things" but that just bounces off a teen girl's ears and she still thinks that she's the ugliest girl out there, and she doesn't care if she's going to do great things or not.

It's hard. It's hard knowing that the one person that you need the most, can't be there for you...and there's always a part of you that will forever need him. I need him to bounce ideas off of, I need him to help me plan wild adventures with my life (he was always urging me to live..."live like it's going to be taken away from you tomorrow" his words echo loudly in my ears), I need his chest to cry curl up on his lap--even at the age of 23 I wrapped my arms around his neck and sobbed--it was acceptable to the ex Marine, as long as I solved the problem on my own and stopped my "baby tears" before leaving the house. The family could see the weakness but no one else (he'd be pretty pissed at me lately...I've been crying up a storm).

There comes a time when everyone has to go it alone and let go of all the safeguards in their lives to really grow up and be the person they're supposed to be. My safeguard was taken from me, but I often question myself, "Who would I be, if my dad was still here..." I definitely wouldn't be as good of a person. When he died, I had to start taking care of my mom (whom, if I fell to pieces, she broke entirely)...I had to be entirely selfless (something I was unable to do before that), I had to make sacrifices (something I was unwilling to do before) and I had to heal myself (rather than let "daddy fix" it)...but sometimes I miss all that.

I miss complete acceptance. I miss someone knowing me inside and out (even to the point of frustrating accuracy). I miss my dad, who thought I was a beautiful person on the inside...even though I wasn't all that beautiful at the time and I was fairly flawed--he saw potential and he nurtured it. I miss having one person who I could count on for advice, without the fear of judgement. I miss him. My dad is my missing piece. A part of my innocence lost. A part of my heart gone. It's a wound that will never heal and in fact, as his face fades from my mind, it grows deeper...and yet, this weekend...I'm going to try not to mourn, but to remember all the things that made him wonderful to me, to my mother and to my closest friends. Of course, I wish he were here...but I will appreciate what he has given me, and what he has forced me to become.
Monday, May 01, 2006
I never want to say goodbye to John or the weekend...
I hate it when he has to leave me.

Saturday night John came home from the beach (he was getting his beach place cleaned out and season ready! yea!!) and drove up to the Cornfield to hang out with friends and of course, to see me. T and I were all over the place--we went to a cancer benefit, then we hit the FQB and I was a little worried that I wasn't going to get to see John...but, as I was leaving the FQB, there he was. I gave him a smooch and told him that I was heading to thitwbar. I didn't want him to have to leave his friends or anything so I told him to catch up with me later.

Later turned out to be a little sooner than expected. About ten minutes after leaving him with a kiss in the street, he appeared at thitwbar. Apparently, while he was at the FQB he got a little talking to from our friend Tony's mom for not being my boyfriend...because she asked, "Aren't you still with M?" and in his little hem/haw way, "Well...yeah, sort of, but not really..." because of course, we aren't together, but we kinda are (Kim put it best, "commonlaw dating"). Whatever. It doesn't matter to me, as long as it keeps John from running away :) With my boy by my side, I was ready to do some serious drinking...and boy did we ever! Pitchers, and shots were quickly thrown down, music was played and somehow we hurtled towards 2am quicker than we thought. And you'd think we were done right? Wrong.

Roommate 2's brother built an incredible bar in his basement, they christened it last weekend and now that it's broken's open for business. We moseyed over for a little after hours action. I can't really claim to remember being there all that much, just little snippets...I remember sitting on the barstools, I remember sitting outside, smoking and freezing my little toes off and I remember some girl saying something rude about T to John, thinking that he was dating her. Luckily, I was in alcohol haze and I didn't get too bent out of shape because I would've never been allowed in that house again, had I punched that chick. And I would've punched her. At whatever hour, we headed back to T's house where John and I proceeded to pass out on the couch.

The next morning, John and I went home and he continued to keep me inebriated for the rest of the day like it was his job. He made us Mimosas, and when we ran out of supplies we packed ourselves in the car and went seeking more. At some point in there, we managed to sneak in a little mattress time, but John coaxed me into putting my clothes back on and head out to the grocery store for grilling supplies. I'm not quite sure how he was able to accomplish that, because if I had it my way, I would've kept him in that bed all day. But a girl's gotta eat too, I suppose.

Super sweet John also had to take my drunk ass to Blockbuster, and because I already had my limit of movies rented out, and he had to open an account for me. Knowing me, he eyed me up and said, "You will be returning this right?" and I had to swear on it, and pledge him my first born child...(uh, but that would be our first that doesn't work...but whatever). Well here's a lesson for you, drunk girls shouldn't be allowed to walk unsupervised--I almost was run over. John, was infuriated and followed the guy's car...not that he was planning on doing anything except maybe yell at the guy. Things got a little tense when the crazy guy jumped out of his car with a tire iron and started screaming at that point we decided to just go home and continue with our peaceful day and start grilling.

And boy did we grill! John made me chicken wings, we ate olives, shishkabobs and steaks--washing all of this down with Bloody Marys and beer. T and her ex boyfriend were hanging out so they decided to come over and sit on the deck with us. Obviously, T and the ex hadn't been drinking all day because T kept saying to me, "Gosh, you're like the drunkest person ever!" and I think quite frankly I was. John was plying me with different concoctions left and right. At one point I had three different beverages in front of me!

John may be the smartest person ever. At about 8:30 last night John said to me, "We should head up to bed and make it an early night, so that we're functioning tomorrow." We took Brokeback upstairs with us but it was a futile attempt, my eyes were closing while I was just sitting on the bed! Of course, I attempted to jump Johnny even though I was falling asleep, but I wasn't able to summon the needed energy to accomplish such a feat...within seconds we were both out. Randomly, we both woke up at 4am and started talking. Our time was running out and I was well aware of it. I whined to him, "I hate it when you leave me," being a good sport, he said to me, "I know you do. But we used all the time we had together well, right?" and I put out another little whiny voice, "Yeah but...I just hate it when you go" and I fell back asleep holding onto him, as if that could keep him there. And then, at 5:30 he had to get up and leave me for real, giving me a quick smooch and then heading out the door. And I hated it. A lot.

He's right, we do use our time together well, packing in as much as we can...(even when he's chastising me for thinking I still had propane when I didn't...hehe...that was the most ridiculous argument to date). When we're not together, I just sit and think about when I'm going to see him next, and what we're going to do. I miss him whenever we're not together, I just can't get bored of him. Not that I've tried to...

Ok, and now for a little insecurity. Rachel's coming home this weekend and they want to see each other and I'm petrified. It would be easier if John was my boyfriend, I'd feel safer somehow. But he's not, and that's part of the fear. I don't even want to think about it, because it makes my eyes well up and my hands shake as I type this...I'm definitely scared.