I think I might be the best wife ever...

John's been having a rough time at work lately--I mean, you know, with a four hour commute a day wearing on him and all (I think he's just being a whiner...KIDDING!). On top of hating battling the highways and bypasses that don't bypass a damn thing, our house is in major flux.

John's a neatness and organization expert. He actually made me pick out four spoons that I really "liked" (because I have mixed sets) and that was all I got. He removed my clutter for me...I need it. He also helped me clean out my car, which hasn't been cleaned out in over 2 years! Yeah, this is the kind of disorganization that he has to deal with on a daily basis...I like to collect clutter. He's actually gently easing me into a more streamlined lifestyle.

Well because of our current housemates; ER, his girfriend, his dog, my friend E's cat and our own dog and ALL of our stuff crammed in here, this isn't quite John's ideal situation. So...

I bought him a BRAND NEW TV...but not just any TV. I got this (Disclaimer: That's not me!)

Yes ladies, I think the bar just got raised. *patting myself on the back*

I hate standing next to ER's (John's bro) girlfriend. It's not because I don't like her...because I do. It's because I hate how imperfect I feel standing next to her. Without fail her hair will be perfectly clipped up/barretted, perfectly coiffed and looking sexy. Mine?Oh it's down, or in a ponytail, it really can't be described as anything else. Her makeup-flawless. Mine? Non-existent. Her clothes? Fabulous! Mine? This old thing? And I do mean this incredibly old thing bought at the GAP, probably the year I was going to enter college (which if we are keeping track...it's seven years at this point).

Perfect hair, perfect tan, stunning blue eyes, gorgeous long black hair, and a size two...why would I hate standing next to her?

Probably because after I put ketchup on my hot dog at the Phillies game, it dripped down the front of my shirt.

You know that you need to return to the gym immediately when, after 10 hours of playing wii, your shoulder is sore!! Ahem, not that that happened to me or anything...

All in all it was a pretty good holiday weekend. It was a nice balance of John working on the house, me getting to read my book, going out and eating as much grilled meat (of any variety) as I could cram into my face. Friday, we met up with some of John's friends from college...sadly, none of them could be coaxed into telling me embarassing college stories. That's the problem when your husband is a giant among men, other people fear talking about him *damn it all!*

We came home from the college friend reunion/happy hour and believe it or not, we were both feeling pretty intact. However, my reaction time must've been a little slow since the cat that I'm catsitting decided to make a break from Casa de Melina. The fat cat flew out the back door and under my porch. When I finally located where he was, I noticed a peculiar odor--SKUNK! But that cat would not come to me, no matter how much I coaxed, screamed and begged for it to come out (as I heard something hissing in the corner)!! Scared we were both going to get hosed down by a skunk, I grabbed for the cat as quickly as I could and scared the living daylights out of him--which of course, caused him to bite me repeatedly. No matter...like Jeff Corwin, I kept going, racing the cat into the house yelling, "Ow I'm bleeding! But I saved us both from the skunk." (Whether or not there was actually a skunk is almost a moot point). John rinsed me off and I whined about the bites all weekend, it too was a nice delicate balance.

Sunday was the day that will go down in history as the day, "Melina gets introduced to the Wii (and refuses to leave it alone for the rest of the evening)". Our friend Tony moved into his apartment and to help him celebrate this momentous occasion, we all agreed to go over, get drunk and play Wii all night. I've learned a few things about myself while playing Wii.
1. I'm a better bowler in real life.
2. I'm a sore loser (I already knew this).
3. I rock at wii tennis...and oddly enough, suck at real tennis.
4. When playing Wii baseball, don't stand near your husband as he "bats". I have a wii controller (wiitroller?) imprint on my forearm now from the sheer impact of our collision.
5. When you're married, everyone thinks that the most hilarious thing in the world is to see the married couple "box" (no actual physical contact). And it actually is hilarious when you knock your husband on his ass in the first round. It is not as hilarious when you get beat and your (cartoon) ass ends up on the mats.

But from all of this, I learned 6. I need a wii. And so...I busted out the credit card (that I haven't been using for months) and I bought one. AND I CAN'T EVEN WAIT UNTIL JUNE 4-6th!!!!

T and I went to see Gwen Stefani last night and you didn't. It was our birthday present (from March) and it was absolutely amazing...aside from the fact that I nearly got into a fist fight over my seat (I was in the right...AND...I didn't actually have to hit the evil woman but I should've especially when she gripped my shoulder and said, "I'm sorry that they let you in here..." and then I was all like, "Whatever bitch, you're in my seat and instead of hitting you like I want to, I'm going to listen to T and go to the usher and get him to move your ass!). And aside from the fact that it was 99.8% estrogen in the arena, it still managed to be AMAZING. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't there to hit on men, pick them up or even admire them...but when you get 10,000 women in the same place it doesn't give off a good vibe! Before Gwen came on I wavered between wanting to embrace all the sweetly dressed little girls and smacking all the weirdly dressed older women (ie. a 40 year old woman dressed in a skin tight silver lame shirt, black leggings and then silver rat killer shoes).

John and Earl (the person responsible for our tickets!!! whoo!) wandered the streets of Camden. They ended up playing pool and some girl came over to John with a ping pong ball and asked him to get the dent out with a lighter. He said, "I really don't know what to do, I think you'd better do it." The next thing you know the ping pong ball was on fire! She leaned in and and whispered, "This was so embarassing! Please don't tell anyone..." He said, "Sure, I'll only tell my wife!" She ran away. But hey, my husband still has it...with socially awkward women.

Since 2003 I've owned my own home and lived alone...and loved it. I know there are lots of people out there who don't like to be alone but I am not one of those people. It is a true testament to the fact that I love John that we've been able to co-habitate for almost a year now. I just wasn't hardwired for roommates...I like space. I like quiet. I like things my way. Basically, I'm just a bitch. That being said, I have a roommate for about three weeks. John's brother moved in with us temporarily and will be moving out at the first of the month. He's actually the best roommate I've ever had...he cooks, he cleans, he shares his spare cigarettes and he has a pretty kick ass dog. However, his timing could be better...

I came home from work yesterday and things started out great with a fun afternoon romp with John--this is something that never happens on a weekday because John doesn't get home from work until 6:45 usually Since he's on a mini-vacation, he was ready willing and able. Just as we had moved our sweaty bodies to the floor for Round Two (Ding,ding,ding), we heard from downstairs, "Hey guys...(pause. no answer from us) Guys? How do you set up the wireless signal to my computer?" It was John's brother ER. Damned, if John didn't open the door and yell down to him, trying to give essential instructions. Then, after looking at me said quickly (I think this was when he saw the demon fire in my eyes flickering), "I'll be down in a little." With that, my sweet brother in law realized what exactly was going on and scampered off to Kohl's to look at ties (keep your fingers crossed!! He went to a job fair specifically for military and former military peeps) for a little while.

While ER's timing could be better, John's idea of what's appropriate to share with my new family members also could be better...in fact, I pretty much wanted to punch him in the face. However, I don't need spousal abuse on my record and because he was three sheets to the wind, (remember, the boy's on vacation...he got liquored up as if someone was serving him drinks out a coconut) I forgave him.

We went out for Pint Night (if you get the beer that's on special, you get to keep your pint glass every time--it's a bit of a crap shoot...I don't need any NASCAR BudRacing pint glasses) with ER and his girlfriend. We got on the subject of Ocean City, MD and ER said something like, "It's like a mini Vegas...what happens in OCMD stays in OCMD!" and I nodded sagely having lived there for a summer and said glibly, "Like uh going down there to work for a summer when you first turn 21 and sleep with your 33 old boss?"(which I did). Now I left out part of the story but this story alone made ER's eyes bug out a little. However, it was nothing compared to the way his eyes bugged when John threw out fairly nonchalantly, "...and had a threesome with one of his friends." This is the point where I thought ER was going to have a heart attack but instead he said, "What?!?" with incredulity and I gave John a glare, he simply crossed his arms and said, "What? You did!" Oh jeez. Grasshopper has much to learn. Let's hope ER drank as much as John did last night and I don't have to sit and draw diagrams later...which I know I don't since Mr. ER travelled the world as a GI and I know for a fact is a wee bit (read: a lot) more worldly than I'll ever be!

1. I came home the other day to find that ER's puppy (John's brother), had found my family size bottle of Elmer's White Glue...now why they make a family sized version and why I have it? It's all a mystery to me too! What happened though, was no mystery. Norman (the puppy who looks similar to this but much cuter) decided to chew open the glue and spread it all over himself and my poor tortured dog Frankie. Frankie looked at me as if to say, "Why did you do this to me? Why are you forsaking me?" And then she looked at me with menace and I swore if she could talk she would've said, "Get out of my sight before I have to cut a bitch!"

2. John and I wanted a little alone time together since John's brother is living with us for the rest of the month until his apartment is ready for him. The only place where you can be alone in our small house without looking anti-social is the bathroom...so we took a shower together. It's something that we used to all the time, but you see our bathtub is absolutely tiny...like almost as small as this. So, whenever we switch places to get closer to actual water there is brief moment when I feel like I'm playing the world's most deadly game of Twister...particularly when John drops the soap (insert prison joke here) and makes the bottom of the tub that much slicker. Seriously, if he didn't love me and if I wasn't worth like .35 cents dead, I'd almost think that he was trying to kill me.

3. My friend who is getting married this summer wrote me an email about how much she detests bra shopping but that she should probably purchase a " few new bras as she's going into this marriage." For some reason that just really tickled me. I'm wondering what state her brassieres are in right now...

4. I was talking with my friends over lunch and my one friend told me that her husband doesn't like the DIY version of This Old House because it's too commercialized and "sexy"...he misses the old PBS versions. He also likes The Deadliest Catch too, which I think is hilarious because if you've seen one episode, you've seen them all. Here let me catch you up. "Oh geez, it's really, really cold out here!" "Oh my gosh! We might get swept overboard!" "Holy crap! There aren't any crabs in the trap! We MUST STOP OVER FISHING...well, except for this time!" And that's my interpretation of the Deadliest Catch.

One thing that doesn't make me laugh hard? John took off for the rest of the week so that means that he's off today through Monday...it makes me want to stab him in the eye with a spoon as I get ready for work. However, since I'm a benevolent soul, I guess he can take off since he has to watch me lounge around work-free/carefree ALL summer!!!

I'm sure there are other things...but I'll be damned if I can remember!

Compared to John's exs, I'm a very vanilla type o' girl. I mean, he had the bi-sexual who teased John with the idea of threesomes. She travels the world, meets interesting people and experiences all kindsof crazythings. He also had the Buddhist girl who liked being tied up and caned. He even had a random encounter where he joined the mile high club with a good looking cougar when he was 24. I never really thought of myself of as vanilla until it was pointed out to me that I rarely, if ever talk dirty to him (granted John didn't call me vanilla...but that's to expected if he expects to continue having sex with me).

Now there are two reasons why I haven't used my dirty mouth (which I have in the past). One, I get a little embarassed how stupid it sounds, although most of the time (in sweeter terms) I'm thinking exactly what he wants me to say but I don't. And then two, my mind kind of blanks sometimes when we're in the middle of things. I go off to La La land and leave John to whatever it is he doing, occasionally reminding him that if he stops I'll kill him...it's just the kind of girl I am.

John came up with a way to get over the embarassment...because it is true, there's no reason to be embarassed. I mean my face is in the mattress, my ass is in the air and I've been known to scare small children with my yelling because we always leave the windows open...so why be embarassed? John's way of "schooling me in the art of talking like a dirty porn slut" was to tell me what he wanted to hear and have me repeat it. As we went about this mimicking routine/sex act/impregnation attempt #1, I got a little more into it...still...a little unsure of myself but ready to try and impress him with my dirty mouth next time. I mean I always impress him with my dirty mouth one way or another right?

Next lesson? Role Playing...

Now you may wonder how a woman like myself hasn't done this yet? I reply with this...it's a pretty random thing to ask of a one night stand---"Hi, I'm not completely sure of your first name but could you cane me?" "Oh? You're not into caning? Well perhaps you have a costume in your back pocket to role play with me?" "Oh, you don't..." Hmmm. Guess now you can see why has the "fortune/misfortune" to introduce me to all this stuff...because of my dirty, sordid past. Who knew that married life would turn me into a more adventurous girl?

PS. Making babies is fun, y'all! Ha ha...I just wanted to channel a little Brit Brit for a second there.

I started crying when John's sister was showing us the set up nursery which is absolutely gorgeous. John laughed at me and held me as I whined, "I want a baby...I want all this cool stuff!" His sister came back and the room and John asked if we could borrow some of the stuff when/if we decide to get pregnant and I hissed to him, "Won't my baby be special enough to get her own stuff?" and then bawled. I think hormones are dangerous things. I continued to cry even as John patted my back and told me that my baby could be as spoiled as I wanted--adding quietly, "Just like you are."

If only this was the least brattiest thing I did this weekend...if only.

When I was little I used to dream up these different scenarios where I would end up pregnant. I have no idea why I was preoccupied with pregnancy, but I was--at the age of seven. I always saw it going one of two ways. The first way was that I was going to accidentally get pregnant and that I'd be this super hawt (slightly slutty?) teen mom. The guy that would get me pregnant would be devastating handsome, a little older and be a little dangerous. Hey, I'm shaking my head too...I don't know what was going on in my seven year old fantasy world. Obviously, I watched too many movies.

The other way would be that someone would be so in love with me that I just had to have his baby. The guy, still devastatingly handsome would be a little more preppy. He would wrap his arms around me and say," M, I want you to be my wife and the mother of my children. You are just so amazing." I totally think I saw this play out on Lifetime once, which is bullshit since it was my fantasy first! (Although, I think I should be embarassed to admit that...)

Never in any of my fantasies did I ever think that this scenario would ever be played out.

John: So...are you still up for having a baby?
Me: Um...I think so...but I don't think you're ready.
John: I'm ready if you're ready.
Me: I guess I'm ready...just get rid of the booze in the house in case I change my mind! (totally a joke)
And then he said this...
John: That's it! I'm totally going to cream pie you every time that we have sex from now on!
Me: *raised eyebrows and a face that screamed "ew!" without saying a word*

He said this with pride and with a grin that could blind a girl.

So...I may get knocked up soon...unless we change our minds, and then I guess he won't be "cream pie-ing me" Wow. such a firm grasp on gross, yet concrete imagery. Perhaps I've shared too much? I can't imagine not sharing this gem.

Reasons why I'm slacking with my blogging:

This takes up my life!!! I'm trying so hard to compete against John and build a massive portfolio, the only problem? He works in finance and is already a million dollars beyond me. But, he sends me emails with tips and he tells me that my greatest strength is reading...so, I still love him.

Snuggling with John on the couch watching Arrested Development Season 3 with dread, knowing that the best show on television (aside from Veronica Mars) was ripped away from us and we're stuck watching the DVDs.

Hanging out on the deck, grilling food, drinking wine and enjoying the awesome Pennsylvanian Spring we're having here.

Work! It's winding down and yet my stress level is winding up...sigh, I need sleep.

Baby showers, bridal showers, bridal showers, bridal showers...they are piling up and my wallet is crumbling away (even though I don't even own a wallet).

Wanting really badly to read this book but I still haven't found the time to buy it...but I spend a lot of time thinking how much I want to read it.

I will have lots of exciting things to write about...soon...I hope.

Tiff was kind enough to come up with five fabulous questions for me, if you would like to participate let me know and I'll try and think of five questions for you as well.

1) Since we all are guilty if leaving things unsaid… Is there someone in your past you really wish you could go back and speak to, get something off your chest or just clear the air with but can't?
Well, this would've been a different answer a couple of months ago before I talked with my former best friend/who moved into my townhouse/moved out of my townhouse after letting her beagle destroy my brand new home/ then we hadn't spoken to each other for three years. If I hadn't gone into her work to talk to her (even if it was just that once), then I would've wanted to try and make ammends and speak with her.
Other than her, I would say that they only other person where things will forever be muddled would be with my very ex-boyfriend from 2002. This is because he broke up with me because " his heart wasn't into a serious relationship" and then he got married six months later. Well...I think at the time, I would've had a few choice words for him, mostly about being honest. Now, I could care less for a couple reasons-- a) I ended up with the most awesome husband around! b) I never see the ex so I rarely think about him, in fact I hadn't really thought of him at all until this question. Finally, c) The only reason why I used to want to talk to him was my pride, I wanted to "show him how he messed up"...not realizing at the time that he wouldn't see it that way. So if I could go back in time and talk with him, I would, but I don't really have anyone that I've left anything unfinished with in present day.

2) If you could travel anywhere in the world, with an unlimited budget, where would you go? What would you do there? I would do a completely tropical tour. I'd go to Hawaii, to Bali, to Costa Rica, Australia, The Caymans, Bora Bora...anywhere as long as the sands were bleached white, the ocean was crystaline and amazingly blue and the air was warm. I would go exploring volcanoes, lie on the sandy beaches, swim in the ocean, do some sorely missed scuba diving, sip sweet drinks on the beach while digging my toes in the sand, and I would smooch John at every opportunity given to me. It wouldn't have to be too adventurous for me to have fun (but it could be) I would be more than content relaxing, working on my tan and being catered to. I've never had a lazy vacation...I've alway been on the go, go, go.

3) What one thing do you know now that you wish you'd known in High School or College? If given the opportunity would you go back and change decisions you made based on this knowledge?
Hmm, I probably would've slept with my next door neighbor at 16 rather than when I was 22. It was some of the most mediocre sex ever (and he left his converse on ,but took his Prince Albert out) I've ever experienced (in the back of my grey Tempo). If I had just lost my virginity to him a) I wouldn't have gotten a $500 fine for lewd and lacivious behavior, open container and tresspassing for having so-so sex in a public baseball field. b) I wouldn't have been so disappointed by the experience...I had been working up some hype for the kid for several years and he brought very little to the back seat.
4) What would you say your greatest strengths are? What would your husband say? Your best girlfriends? Your mother? I honestly don't know what my greatest strengths are...I think I'm funny, I'm concerned about others...I don't know!!!
My girlfriends said, and I quote, "You are hilarious, honest, easy to talk to and get along with, thoughtful", "sense of humor", "I agree with the sense of humor, and smart!" "Creative and artistic but I agree very much with funny; great storyteller" (those are four quotes from my friends)
My husband said, "You're a good reader" when I asked him what my greatest strength was. Then he back pedaled and said that he was trapped and that "there was husbandly danger lurking all around", then he told me that his love was my greatest strength...I'm still not sure what that means. I'm also not sure when my husband started writing scripts for Lifetime...

My mom would say that I'm extremely kind and would do anything to protect anyone that I love.

5) What did you want to be when you "grew up"? How far have you strayed from that path? Would you still take that career if you could?
When I was very young I wanted to be a ballerina. Then I wanted to be an astronaut and even went to Space Academy when I was in 7th grade. Once I got into high school I wanted to be a writer and then I decided that I didn't want to be anything...I didn't want to work and I didn't want to have to do anything except what I wanted--most of what I wanted included laying on the beach, reading books, playing with dogs--none of these things are really careers when combined.

I amazed myself when I FINALLY focused on a career...after graduating from college. I went back for more schooling and then I landed a job immediately, I've never been unhappy with my decision and I like going to work more than anyone you've ever known. It's almost sickening how much fun I have at work...it should be illegal, but it's not--so at least you know that I'm not a hooker!

And thus concludes my five. If you are interested in participating, here are
the rules: Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me!" I will respond by
e-mailing you five questions. I get to pick them, and you have to answer
them all. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. You
will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the
same post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them
five questions.

What is more fun than priming the back bedroom on Cinqo de Mayo? Laying on the guest bed drinking wine while John does it!

Favorite quote after bottle number one? Um, M? I think you need to eat your other half of your hoagie...you know, to soak it up?

Did the hoagie work? No. There was no real bringing me back after that. However, I was entertainment for others that night.

What's less fun than getting drunk in your spare bedroom? Going to baby showers slightly hungover. It was a happy occasion where John's sister looked gorgeously pregnant (she's one of those people that can pull this off...I fear, that I will pull off the house-like pregnant woman look). However, one conversation sticks in my mind as the worst train wreck of conversations I've ever experienced. Here, let's see what you think:

John's Aunt (from now on known as JA): Melina, you look like you've lost weight since the wedding.

Me: Um, maybe. **starting to blush** (no, I haven't lost weight)

JA: It's always a shame when a bride is a little heavy at her wedding because those pictures stick with you for a lifetime and you'll always have to see them.

Me: Uh, yeah...I guess...I don't know, I don't care that much, I was happy so I ate a little more than I would've. **trying hard to keep my game face on when I wanted to crawl under the table and rock a little**

John: (trying to help a little, patted his belly) We both did!

JA: John you looked good in the pictures.

**subcontext** apparently, I did not! There was much more to this conversation, including when she told me I wasn't as big as "a poor 300 lb girl that she photographed" (! what?!? I'm not even FAT!!! was I a little chubbier than I would've like to be at my wedding, sure...but fat? NO), but the sad part of the whole thing was, she was trying to give me a compliment. It just went horribly wrong.

After that, any time that John asked me if I wanted anything to eat, I declined politely.