1. My bedtime is now any time that my body is laying on the couch. I fall asleep within seconds.

2. I've always hated avocados, the other day I had the most delicious thing in the whole world and the main ingredient? Ava-fucking-cados...go figure (if I start to like bananas my whole world will shift).

3. All those times when I thought I had a poochy stomach, I didn't have a poochy stomach...in fact, I think I had a supermodel-like stomach, now using hindsight. Right now it's just a bloated stomach...but poochy stomach is just around the bend.

4. That tattoo of the stupid Celtic knot that I got when I was a young impressionable undergrad??? Yeah, even dumber when it's situated on my pelvic bone. Looking forward to see how it transforms about as much as people were looking forward to the Titanic sinking.

5. I could eat Chicken Marsala, every. single. day.

6. Or Ramen Noodles...

7. Or pasta...

8. What does it mean when all I crave is pasta and bloody meat!!! I forgot to mention that I dream of steaks...vivid, vivid steak dreams (oh don't worry...I'm not eating anything rare but I really, really miss it).

9. I don't really miss alcohol that much (so far), especially when I see John wake up with a hangover. (I know, it shocks me too!)

10. On weekends without a hangover? I am PEPPY! and I get out of bed at the ungodly hour of 5 am. I really feel for John because I would hate myself too if I were hungover.

11. I miss my sex drive...I heard the second trimester is better in that department...it better be because this is just not normal. John was shocked when he learned that I haven't used my vibrator in a week...I'm going to have sex tonight, just to feel normal!!! (That's sexy isn't it?)

12. I like to cry at the drop of a hat. For example, John's a douchebag (I mean that with love Hon) and he woke me up the other night because "I was breathing on him" (seriously!) I started to cry because he woke me up...yep, I'm hormonal.

13. My boobs are ginormous and hard. The ginormous part is not as weird as the hard part...they are seriously mini boulders strapped to my chest.

14. My dreams are ridiculously awesome in their weirdness...the most recent ones involved Cylons (I haven't seen Battlestar Galactica since I was 5), a high school building and a friend drunk on a broomstick.

15. I could eat all day and all night...but I'm not...yet. Mostly because I want to look more like Leia than Jabba when this is all said and done (what? I'm married to John...I can use Star Wars analogies if I so choose).

1. I think I'm delirious at work. I think I have a new sleeping sickness...I NEED sleep, all the time now! I remember the days when I'd sleep for three hours and then go to work. Now I whine if I'm up past 10:16pm...perhaps I'm just old? Nah, it has to be some sort of sleeping sickness.

2. I believe that my deliriousness is only adding to my quality of life because it keeps me laughing. Today I was reading the paper and I did a double take when it said, "Jesus Makes Thighs Look Skinny!" which would've been a far more awesome feat than that water into wine shtick. Of course, when I looked at that paper a second time, it really just stated, "Jeans Make Thighs Look Skinny!"...not quite as much fun when I thought some kind of thigh-master-miracle- Jesus was on the loose!

3. I've learned that I have secret statistics skills I never knew that I possessed. Last week in my night class we were given a pre-test. I started to sweat because I suck at tests and quite possibly at life. I tried to reason out each of the questions even though I didn't know a single term and everything seemed to be encrypted in some secret/stupid language. Right before we got the results yesterday a girl smugly told me that I didn't understand the difference between the "independent variable" and the "dependent variable" in some study that she was describing. I admitted, "I'm sorry, were you talking? I can't concentrate on these variable thingamagigs". She laughed and said, "I bet you put D. "I don't know" onall the answers on the pre-test, didn't you?" Obviously, she doesn't know me...I'd rather guess than admit that I have no clue about something. For once, this skill totally paid off because I somehow pulled a 100% out of nowhere (on a pre-test that means absolutely nothing) and I was able to gloat to Miss Dependent Variable when I saw that she only received an 80%!! Yay! I love gloating!!

4. I love living in a world where my friend describes something known as a Candy Corn Hershey Kiss...this is a world of morals, principles, bravery and sacrifice. Actually, I just LOVE CANDY CORN!! Thank you Hershey for making my dream into a reality.

5. Finally, I heart Tim Gunn! So, when I found out that my friend from college was going to be on the show I was incredibly jealous. Go watch Becca tonight at 10 pm on Bravo and be prepared as she told me, "Bring some wine because there's going to be a whole lot of cheese!" I'm so excited...now if only T.G. could get out of NYC for a second and come help me with mywardrobe crises

1. I came home the other day to find that ER's puppy (John's brother), had found my family size bottle of Elmer's White Glue...now why they make a family sized version and why I have it? It's all a mystery to me too! What happened though, was no mystery. Norman (the puppy who looks similar to this but much cuter) decided to chew open the glue and spread it all over himself and my poor tortured dog Frankie. Frankie looked at me as if to say, "Why did you do this to me? Why are you forsaking me?" And then she looked at me with menace and I swore if she could talk she would've said, "Get out of my sight before I have to cut a bitch!"

2. John and I wanted a little alone time together since John's brother is living with us for the rest of the month until his apartment is ready for him. The only place where you can be alone in our small house without looking anti-social is the bathroom...so we took a shower together. It's something that we used to all the time, but you see our bathtub is absolutely tiny...like almost as small as this. So, whenever we switch places to get closer to actual water there is brief moment when I feel like I'm playing the world's most deadly game of Twister...particularly when John drops the soap (insert prison joke here) and makes the bottom of the tub that much slicker. Seriously, if he didn't love me and if I wasn't worth like .35 cents dead, I'd almost think that he was trying to kill me.

3. My friend who is getting married this summer wrote me an email about how much she detests bra shopping but that she should probably purchase a " few new bras as she's going into this marriage." For some reason that just really tickled me. I'm wondering what state her brassieres are in right now...

4. I was talking with my friends over lunch and my one friend told me that her husband doesn't like the DIY version of This Old House because it's too commercialized and "sexy"...he misses the old PBS versions. He also likes The Deadliest Catch too, which I think is hilarious because if you've seen one episode, you've seen them all. Here let me catch you up. "Oh geez, it's really, really cold out here!" "Oh my gosh! We might get swept overboard!" "Holy crap! There aren't any crabs in the trap! We MUST STOP OVER FISHING...well, except for this time!" And that's my interpretation of the Deadliest Catch.

One thing that doesn't make me laugh hard? John took off for the rest of the week so that means that he's off today through Monday...it makes me want to stab him in the eye with a spoon as I get ready for work. However, since I'm a benevolent soul, I guess he can take off since he has to watch me lounge around work-free/carefree ALL summer!!!

I'm sure there are other things...but I'll be damned if I can remember!

Reasons why I'm slacking with my blogging:

This takes up my life!!! I'm trying so hard to compete against John and build a massive portfolio, the only problem? He works in finance and is already a million dollars beyond me. But, he sends me emails with tips and he tells me that my greatest strength is reading...so, I still love him.

Snuggling with John on the couch watching Arrested Development Season 3 with dread, knowing that the best show on television (aside from Veronica Mars) was ripped away from us and we're stuck watching the DVDs.

Hanging out on the deck, grilling food, drinking wine and enjoying the awesome Pennsylvanian Spring we're having here.

Work! It's winding down and yet my stress level is winding up...sigh, I need sleep.

Baby showers, bridal showers, bridal showers, bridal showers...they are piling up and my wallet is crumbling away (even though I don't even own a wallet).

Wanting really badly to read this book but I still haven't found the time to buy it...but I spend a lot of time thinking how much I want to read it.

I will have lots of exciting things to write about...soon...I hope.

So I was checking my sitemeter and reading the keywords that brought people to my little corner of the Internets and some of the queries just made me giggle so I wanted to share. Let's call this the "Funny, Yet Somewhat Perverted Keyword List". Some of the keywords are puzzling, some are funny and some are just plain strange. Let's get started, shall we?

1. Melina Boobs. First of all, yes let me start with the fact that I do indeed have mammary glands and thusly, boobs. Second of all, John said to me on Saturday, "Let me look at that rack" (as I was trying on shirts braless to see if I wanted to keep them or not. He continued by saying, "Damn you have great boobs for being thirty...hell even for an eighteen year old." Because he says smart and truthful things like this, he gets regular sex and all of my love and affection. Continue praising my breasts John and you will remain in good favor of the queen (me). Although it's not hard to compliment them...they are pretty nice. Even my favorite friend from work Jackie could tell you that. Don't ask.

2. How to tell if a man is playing games with a woman. The easiest way to tell if someone is playing a game is to look around to see if there is a deck of cards, dice, Monopoly board, Twister plastic dot thingy, or some other game component. If you don't see any of these things then you are not, I repeat, not playing a game.

3. Blow me in stockings. If I didn't know better I would thought that John wrote this keyword, if we could just substitute stockings with knee high socks. Poor kid, I'll have to buy more of them...our dog keeps burying all my socks in the back yard (still) and when I do wear knee high socks for John one's a green argyle and the other is a white sock with flowers running up the side. Tres sexy, no?

4. "my first time" plant. I didn't realize that people celebrated their first sexual experience with plants these days. Who gives this plant to you? The person you had sex with? Your mom? I think I want a first time plant!

5. "back seat" bra pill. I think the same person who introduced me to the "first time plant" is now introducing me to the "back seat bra pill". Now I'm not exactly sure what a back seat bra pill is but I'm going to take a stab in the dark. So, you're in the back seat clumsily making out with someone and you just can't seem to get her bra off. So you pull out a Braoff (patent pending) and pop it into your mouth. Instantly you become dexterous and are able to remove the cumbersome garment (an aside: John can get my bra off faster than I can! Seriously, I've never seen anyone able to do it simply by twisting his thumb and forefinger and it is off! He should patent that little move).

6. Daddy's Little Slut XXX. This is only funny to me because I think John and my dad look alike, particularly when John wears his (new! replacing his missing) aviator sunglasses. This creeps John out sometimes (not that I blame him)...and because of this, I don't think he ever really wants me to call him Daddy. Because of this, I doubt I'll ever be Daddy's Little Slut...fine by me.

7. Playgirl Men. On my 16th my dad purchased me a copy of Playgirl and a box of condoms. The condoms were in case I was thinking about having sex and the Playgirl was just for a laugh. Well, it sure was a laugh...there is nothing sexy about Playgirl. I remember lots of flaccid penises and posing in junkyards. Hott.

8. And the keyword that wins for the most random..." Molson Golden lion being sucked off by a seal". I am apparently the number two website for such a query. I am honored. When I tried to find something on Google images using this exact query, this is what I found.

Well, my decision is made...after making two other blogs (the one I may keep), I decided to plant my feet like Keri Strug and stick it out. Obviously, if I have a blog and I write about myself in a space as vast as the Internet, there's a level of expectation. I expect, I hope that people read my thoughts...so be it. I'm sure everyone with a blog has a moment where you wonder and worry--what you wonder and worry about varies on any given day.

So whatever, I'm back and here to stay.

On a totally different subject. Here are some marital questions for you that stem from recent discussions while snuggling on the couch:

1. Is it wrong to make your husband list all the people he's had sex with, including first and last names while you count on your hands and tsk, tsk him? How about when he forgets someone and you put her on the list for him because you've made him make the list before?

2. Is it wrong to be proud of your husband for not being a total slut, like...ahem...some people were at (brief) points in their lives?

3. While he's making said list, is it ok to make gagging noises/dog barks/and/or snickering sounds at the mention of some of the girls' names?

4. Is it wrong to declare that you are like Grover Cleveland in that you served two terms in his sex life, just not consecutively, to prove that you "won" and that the girl in between your "terms" is stupid and gross? (R, if you still read this...I'm not talking about you!)


5. Is it wrong that when your husband grabs you (and pokes you painfully in the ribs like you do to him ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME) for being a smartass and says, "Ok let's hear your list..." to declare that you were a virgin before him...even though you know that he's read your archives.

6. Is it wrong for a husband to ask you to define what a "tear" is. As in, "After so and so broke up with me, I went on a bit of a tear through men." Tear= However many men it takes to get over the last relationship. (As some wise woman once said, "The best way to get over a man, is to get under another one")

7. Is it wrong that your husband is convinced that you've slept with over 100 people! Even though you try to allay his fears that the number is much, much lower. C'mon John...I had to work every now and then, I couldn't lay around in bed all the time!

8. And finally, is it wrong that when your cute husband asks you if you need anything before he leaves for work (because you are on vacation!), that you say sweetly, "A nice hard cock would do me nicely" knowing that he would love to crawl back in bed with you but he has to begin his long commute into the city and he knows what you'll be doing...if you remembered to buy batteries!

In a search for "things to do before you're 30" I found this list listed below. I decided to post it and then annotate it. After I do that, I think I'll have to make a list of my own because this one just didn't do it for me. Feel free to give me a little guidance as to what to do in the next 38 days before I turn 30. Maybe, if I come up with 15-30 "do-able" things, I'll do one thing each day and post about it.

1. Have a really stupid accident which necessitates a hospital visit why on earth would I want to do that?? Ok, ok...I've done it already but it's a stupid thing to put on your list.
2. Shoot something I shot a target, that counts right? I accidentally shot a bird and killed it with a BB gun and cried.
3. Take a weekend break more than 1000 miles from home I have this one covered. Between being an only child who was taken on some cool vacations, a Spring Break sorority co-ed, an excited teenage scuba diver, and a woman who ran away to Vegas to get married, I have this one covered.
4. Boot Linux on your home PC This is nerd speak right? I have no idea why I'd do this.
5. Get lost in a country where you don't speak the language Sadly, I did this in Mexico, drunk as a skunk. I tried speaking french, it didn't help.
6. Spend more than your monthly income on a pocket sized gadget If beer were a gadget then I could've done this...otherwise, no, I've never done it.
7. Post bail for a friend Haven't done it yet, hope I never have to actually (although I would).
8. Break a really large plate glass window This is actually so much fun! It was accidental but wonderful.
9. Make a parachute jump on a hangover doesn't sound so much fun.
10. Use a whole roll of gaffa tape in one day I didn't even know what gaffa tape was until I looked it up.
11. Make a pointless modification to your house Hmm, don't really have a lot of money to make necessary modifications...I'm going to have to nix this idea.
12. Neck a pint of peppermint oil um, why?
13. Pull a shemale by mistake (but realise in time...) Like Bartleby the Scrivener, I'm going to have to say, "I'd prefer not to."
14. Buy a samurai sword I'm not good with knives, not going to do this either.
15. Delay paying a bill until the summons arrives Can anyone say dumb?? DUMB.
16. Destroy a speed camera No more breaking the law for me, thanks.
17. Refill an inkjet cartridge Two words--FUCK NO
18. Say something obscene on national television Would love to, but I'd probably lose my job and I don't need to make Americans look unintelligent on the media.
19. Do a J turn in order to beat somebody to a parking space I live near this mall, I will do anything to get the proper parking spaces.
20. Break a sledgehammer That would be fun I guess...if I had nothing else to do with my time.
21. Make a bomb My friend Josh and I used to try to make bombs all the time when we were about 5 and 6. We were evil geniuses. I'm going to leave those days behind me.
22. Smash a CRT Ok, I had to AGAIN look things up and a CRT is this...I don't care to smash one, nor would I know where to get my hands on one.
23. Require medical treatment as a consequence of kinky sex (STD's don't count) I don't think it was all that kinky, but I can honestly say that I think I should've sought medical attention after John and I had one of our last hurrahs at his old house (read: his nasty whore ridden mattress)
24. Tip a waiter with something other than money I left my number once
25. Light a fire with petrol I'm impatient, I've done this many times.
26. Kidnap someone Ever see the movie Jawbreaker
27. Park inside a motorway service station oook...nah.
28. Own a convertible. I would <3>
29. Live abroad. Again, I think I'd love to do this too for a little, perhaps before 40?
30. Drive at more than 140mph. My little Neon can't go that fast.
31. Get something for free through a masterpiece of complaining I got a suite on our honeymoon for the price of a regular room. I was proud of my whining. And I've gotten free food and drinks. Otherwise, I don't complain unless there's an actual reason to complain...it's not fair to the service people.
32. Give yourself a mains electric shock. Again, FUCK NO!
33. Completely dismantle an object larger than yourself been there, done that, too many times.
34. Write off a car sadly, I've done this.
35. Fall asleep and get really hilarious sunburn I'm a tanner, not a burner baby.
36. Get drunk on Absinthe more fun that a barrel of monkeys (also drunk on Absinthe)
37. Stay up all night listening to a girl have an emotional crisis Obviously, this list was written by a man. As a woman I have emotional crises and I hear other people's crises on a regular basis.
38. Lick the terminals of a 9 volt battery I enjoy doing this...a lot...too much in fact!
39. Take part in motorsport. nah...not interested
40. Stay at the office for more than 24 hours I did this when I worked at Victoria's Secret...I worked twelve hours and then had a floor set from hell.
41. Set off a fire extinguisher FUN
42. Drive at least 600 miles in a day on two lane roads Done it!
43. Hotwire a car Done it! With the help from my dad...however, I don't remember how I did it, I was 7...he thought it was "adorable for me to learn".
44. Watch all the Monty Python films in one sitting I don't have the patience.
45. Shag an ex boyfriend by mistake How would this be a mistake? I'm not even going to linger on this one because I'm happily married and I'm not going to bang an ex before (or after) I'm 30.
46. Dial 999 Nope! I could get fines! By the way, did you read about the lady who called 911 to get a "cute" officer to come back to her house so that she could give him her number? And he cited her?? Romance. It's dead. As was anyone that was on hold that was calling 911 that day.
47. Commit a faux pas which means that a friend will never speak to you again Too late.
48. Make a bet you couldn't afford to lose Doesn't sound fun at'll
49. Read a 500 page book in one sitting Been there, done that. It's called "being an English major in college"
50. Escape a perfectly justified parking ticket. I would love to, but my feminine wiles do not work on the ticketing kind.

Well that was "enlightening"...what do you think I should do before I'm thirty? I need between 15 and 30 things...and they need to be do-able in a day or less.

1. I wouldn't have a scratchy throat.

2. I wouldn't be sitting here alone (why oh why does John have to go into the city and work on a Saturday morning) in my red pajama hoodie and long red pajama pants that make me look like a demented Christmas elf (every year my mom gets me jammies...the year that I get married she seems to have purchased me the least cute jams eva (however, they are pure pleasure and comfort). I think she wants me to take them off and have an excuse to have sex with my husband. As if I need one? I can't keep these pants on!)

3. The mummers wouldn't exist. And, they wouldn't have rescheduled their New Year's Day Parade. Sorry if you like them, I can't stand them. My friend Tash and I would mock them repeatedly starting at the age of 7, it's a tradition I just can't quit.

4. John wouldn't be at work on a Saturday morning and we'd be snuggling in bed or on the couch. Maybe he'd even be making me breakfast right now, cuz I'm hungry. And lazy. And wide awake.

5. John wouldn't have taken the copy of Lunar Park (John, don't click on the link, there are spoiler alerts!) to read on the train, that I bought him for Christmas. He keeps telling me the plot and I keep thinking how I could steal it from him for just a day. Hey! I'm a fast reader, I could put it back into his car without him even knowing.

6. He would've taken me with him and I'd be sitting in some coffee shop in the city, reading a book (probably Lunar Park) , taunting Mummer fans and I'd be munching on something tasty right now.