This is blog of a woman who didn't know what she wanted and so chased after dreams and men in search of the answers...drunken hilarity ensued. Then one day she met a man who was everything she wanted, but he wasn't so sure. Then she did the unthinkable; after they broke up she gave him this blog address and she let him into her mind as well as her heart. Unbelievably, even after sorting through the sordid archives of failed relationships, one night stands and her lusty (and embarassing) pursuit to secure the heart of a certain young line cook, John somehow managed to fall in love with her too. Melina and John were married a little over six months after they started dating, running away to Las Vegas to seal the deal. You can imagine what the over/under bet was to see if they'd even make it a year!! Over a year later and they are still going strong...this blog has become their story. Need to tell me something? Email me at Melinalovesjohnny at gmail dot com
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Monday, February 28, 2005
Ex-Files The Bonfire Story
I should hang my head in shame but this story is really just too funny not to tell to random strangers and my grandma over Thanksgiving dinner. But I'll tell you first, and you tell me if I should tell the 86 year old lady, ok?

I was at my friend's house for a big party around Columbus Day last year. I'm not sure why were celebrating Columbus Day but I can't think of any other reason why we were having that party because it was most definitely Columbus Day weekend. Ok well, we all know how rediculous I get when I drink beer; I absolutely should never, under NO CONDITION, be given hard alcohol in mass quantities. I really shouldn't be allowed it in shot form either now that I think about it. There should be a sign, "Do not give the Melina Gin, Vodka or Red Bull". Unfortunately at this party, the sign had yet to have been made. And if there had been an explanation as to why, there would be several men who dismantle said sign because they would like to see me unclothed. Oh boy...(deep breath) this one's a doozie.

At the party I ran into a boy I rode the bus with in elementary school. We talked for a while, I kept thinking, "Wow. He's really cute! But he's all of ten pounds." (tall but skinny) I typically dismiss these men (sorry but I'm not a tiny girl. I'm taller and curvier, so I typically like a guy who's bigger). We talked for a while and then I went off to play beer pong, or to eat meatballs, or to play fooseball (which by the by-- I once played strip fooseball and I lost miserably and subsequently I got weird shaped bruises on my butt from those stupid fooseball player's heads! But I digress...) The point is, for hours I played drinking games, ate food and then I ended up at the bonfire.

Up at the bonfire I ran into the boy-from-the-bus (bfb)again. I was without a drink, in fact I was thinking of slowing down because I was dizzy and drunk and it was getting late but does Melina ever turn down a drink offered to her? Uh let me think about that? No. So the boy-from-the-bus is sitting next to me and asked me, "Melina do you need another drink?" I said, "Of course," even though I most certainly did not. When BFB came back he handed me an enormous glass of Red Bull and Vodka. Now I may've been the last person on Earth to try Red Bull but when I'm not drunk I KNOW that I should NOT IMBIBE HARD ALCOHOL. I'm not sure if it is psychosematic or if my body really doesn't metabolize it very quickly but I know that every time I have a lot of Gin or clothes come off in public places and it has always been a source of embarassment for both myself and some of my friends. Some of them grin and just say, "I'm with the topless girl." Those are not the friends that you want around at that point because they don't throw you in a car and rush you home. Those friends let you wander around for a while before they remind you that you left your shirt in the bushes outside (that was a hypothetical example).

Again I end up talking for a while with BFB and he's intriguing, the most charming, handsome man I had spoken with all night--in the fine words of the Barenaked Ladies, "Oh alcohol, I love you so. I looove you more, than I did the week before..." (oh right, I'm supposed to be telling a we go again). As a classy lady I realized that I needed to pee really, really badly. The bonfire was up near the field so I walked up to the rolled hay bales to prop my inebriated form up against. BFB offered to chaperone me and I accepted. (I think he thought I was being coy when I said I had to pee and I wandered over to the hay bale, perhaps because there was working plumbing within 200 yards of the fire...but I enjoy a good nature pee just like all the men do). We start kissing, until I push him and say, "I really need to pee, hold on for a minute." And yes, I pee in front of him...but the worst is yet to come, I peed on my jeans, and not just a little. The most logical idea is to just take my pants off, right? Right that's what I did. I went back to the bonfire with BFB's sweater tied around my waist. Most everyone had gone home or back inside by the time we returned from the kissing session over by the hay bale, but we chose to sit back down and make out in front everyone--me without pants (although I kind of had a makeshift sweater skirt on). This made everyone who did remain out at the fire go inside.

Flash forward to the next morning.

I am on the couch in the garage. I have a pink tanktop on and a blanket. I peek under the blanket-- my entire body is covered in dirt, soot and bruises. I get up, no one else is up yet (whoo! maybe I can get away with this one!) I walk around the house draping the blanket around my nakedness. I go downstairs, I go upstairs. I peek up at the bonfire. I see my shirt that went over the tanktop. I run up there, grab it. It is no longer pink. It has TOUCHES of pink but the majority of it is grey, black and in places--yes, singed. I jog back down to the house, grab my keys (blanket still wrapped around me) and head back to my house before everyone else wakes up. I'm secretly praying that someone else did something rediculous too (other than BFB). No such luck.

My phone rings off the hook all day, "Asking me if I left my pants, underwear and bra behind." I lie and say, "No." My friend calls me on it because my license is hanging out of the jeans. Damn it! Can't I get away with anything? But it wasn't as bad as all that because there weren't any sober witnesses to the events which transpired. The best phone call though that day was BFB. He was hesitant. He appologized for leaving (even earlier than me...apparently at one point he was on the couch with me). He appologized for not finding all my clothes, he too lost a shirt (but he's one of those shirt layerers. And he wanted to hang out again (and I don't just mean horizontally), which was nice because I really wouldn't want to hang out with me after that!
Not that this really counts but I think I've gotten a little classier since last year! That's real maturity on my part (hee hee, sure). Well that, and the fact that I will not drink Red Bull drinks and it appears that it has made all the difference (uh huh, sure). Anyone read that Cosmo article, "Are You Friends With A Trainwreck?" Well now you can say that you are.
Random News and Facts
1. The boy known as J___ called Cr to appologize for being a drunken fool from the night before...which Cr explained that her best friend is a drunken fool and that she's physically and psychologically drawn to drunken fools. No actually, she just told him to stop agonizing about it.

2. He called back later that same night, um, I'm not exactly sure why...but whatever he said had Cr smiling. Now Cr and I talked and she's not jumping into another relationship right away (she's still healing up from the breakup of her and the boyfriend (C) that she was with for two years. Then she made the mistake of dating W, about five weeks after she broke up with was a mistake and she caused pain to both herself and for W. I think she's just going to be friends with John until she knows what she wants to do).

3. Cr was upstairs moving stuff into her new bedroom when she found something. She calls my name from the top of the steps and says, "I think I found a skinhead's t-shirt." I go to the bottom of the stairs and there I see a 4XL black t-shirt. I just sent Chelle an email poking fun at her over the www, and she says..."I know nothing about it. Can't we just forget that night? I did!" I do believe that I will be saving that "shirt" (could also double as a small top sheet for a bed) for Chelle for either her birthday.

4. Chelle has decided to lift her self-imposed celibacy (at least that's what she announced in a flurry of emails to me today). I think it's been going on for a year. (Kissing doesn't count!) I think she scared herself with her encounter with A. She has finally decided to sleep with the cute boy from work with whom she baudily banters with on email every day. As her promiscuous friend, I always question how she can do this to celibacy thing to her body and she just gives me that look. Then at some point in nearly every conversation for the past however many years, I end up bitching about how I'm climbing the walls because I haven't had sex in three or four days and she slaps my arm, rolls her eyes and says, "Try not having sex for a year!" My reply, "No thank you." And you know what? I really couldn't do it, not even if I wanted to (which I don't). My flesh is weak and I like it that way. So more power to you Chelle. You're a stronger woman than I. (read those last two lines like the guy in the voiceovers for Miller Lite)

5. I cleaned my bedroom for the first time in almost seven months. My entire wardrobe was on my floor (clean and in piles) but I just didn't have "the time or energy" to hang the clothing up. On Saturday I finally hit critical mass...I had created a slovenly masterpiece and I was sick and tired of stepping over clothes. Plus it was kind of a wakeup call/intervention when Matty told me that I should clean my room because no one should "live like this". And he even took it a step further by announcing that he always puts his clothes on my dresser because he's afraid that he's going to lose his boxers (which happened to him here in the past) in my room. Well Matty, I'm happy to present to you a beautiful, spotless bedroom. Ahem, let me channel a little Mae West, " Matty, why don't you come up and see me sometime."

This horrible experience took about six hours (no exaggeration there) to finally get everything re-washed and hung up in the closet. There were a few surprises found on my floor within the piles of discarded clothing. I am definitely the poster child of safe sex which was proven to me when I found about six condom wrappers amongst the clothes, it could've been worse if you can imagine with me but it was still gross. Ok Melina, repeat after me, "You are not a frat cannot live life with condom wrappers on the floor (even though they were completely hidden and swallowed up by my clothes on the floor). How would you explain that to anyone?" I was a little ashamed of myself and I'm kind of glad I kept that bit of info to myself when I presented my room to my mom. Yes I'm a dork, that I made my mom get into a car and drive the whole five miles over to my house to look at my newly clean bedroom. But it's like a planetary alignment. See it now, because it's not going to happen again anytime soon. Except I promise that I will check for stray wrappers from now on, because that just cannot occur again...ickk. (ok that one was for Chelle since she was a little worried about being the only one singled out and embarassed in the post).
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Jackie Twists My Arm- In A Nice Way!
So Jackie twists my arm first by posting my name on her site and then nicely putting a comment on my blog so that I wouldn't forget to do it. As we all know with most things I need little to no coaxing but these lists I've avoided. I will do this list because 1) I heart Jackie and 2) I like music.
I'm a nerd who loves music but I'm not exactly known for my good taste or anything so don't be shocked and amazed when you're not shocked and amazed. (Deep breath, a crack of the old knuckles and here goes nothing):

1. Total amount of music files on your computer: Five songs because I just started downloading music (purchased and virus free) onto my work laptop. My disease/virus ridden other computer (due to shameless free downloading) was completely full of mp3s.

2. The last CD you bought was: Something Corporate- Climbing Through the Window (or something like that).

3. What is the song you last listened to before reading this message? Snow Patrol- Run

4. Write down 5 songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you:
(Didn't feel like quoting but I tell you why I like the songs so much)

a. You Are So Beautiful-Joe Cocker (because my daddy used to sing it to me. And Marge sang it to Homer that one time...and that's just beautiful).

b. Friend of the Devil-Grateful Dead (because I feel like a friend of the Devil's just a pretty, pretty song and because I love GD).

c. Mr. Brightsides- The Killers (My absolute favorite bar song right now. The bartenders are getting a little sick of me hitting up the jukebox for it).

d. Ben Harper- Burn One Down (because although I'm drug free now...I wasn't always ;) and it reminds me of several Ben Harper/Jack Johnson shows where I ummm burned more than one down.

e. Taj Mahal- (I'm cheating here because I'm putting two songs) Lovin' in My Baby's Eyes (it's my friend's wedding song, so it makes me think of her and her hubby and it's one of the sweetest songs ever! I can't wait until I can sing it to Drk). (I guess in my dreams, the way things are going). The other Taj Mahal song- Honey Bee (it's a fun song with that ol' timey feel to it).

5. Who are you going to pass this stick to? (3 persons) and why?1.Ernst 2. MooCow 3. Gigi

Ernst- Because then he'd have something to blog about.

MooCow- Because for Pete's sake he's going to Austin to woo his "Lafawnda" (so cool!) and because he makes little sock sombreros for his feet.

Gigi- Because she's just so fucking cool that I want to know what she and Geoff are listening to these days!
Class Reunion At The Bar
Cr and I have this uncanny ability to remember every single person we ever went to elementary school with. It's so bad that I ran into this guy and said to him unprovoked (and without speaking with him prior to this) "I sat next to you in our kindergarten picture," or my favorite line to yet another classmate, "We rode the bus together, you got on at ________ and lived at_______" I ended up having sex with that boy out by the bonfire at a party later that night. All because of a bus stop. That's a good story perhaps I'll tell it a bit later.

Last night,however, it was not my night of class reunions, it was Cr's. Everywhere we went (we actually went to three different bars--imagine that) Cr was running into boys left and right. First there was the hoodie boy who seemed smitten and talked Cr's ear off for about an hour, then there was a cutie who was staring at her so much that I thought at first he was a little weird, but as it turned out he was just really, really drunk. I was in the same boat as him, whereas Cr was nursing her beers because the memory of the hangover from the day before was all too vivid. The only problem about this cutie named J___ was that he is best friends with Mikey. Now if you don't recall, Cr and Mikey had a mutual attraction but, at the time Cr had a boyfriend--therefore it never went past the stage of thinking he was cute. This was just a passing thought at first but when Cr dropped me off and went to take J___ home, she realized that she just might come face to face with Mikey. In a way, she was correct.

We were hanging out at my house (ohh and now Cr's!) for a little and J___ commented on Drk's picture that is sitting with a pile of other pictures on top of the TV. He said, "Oh I love Drk. He's a great guy." (tell me something I didn't know) The only funny thing about that is that Bill said something similar about the pic too and now one of them is going to go back to Drk and tell him that the picture is just lying out. At least it isn't framed or's just waiting to be put into the scrapbook with the other pictures from thitwbar--but that will be an awkward conversation. "Umm yeah Drk, I do have that picture I took of you. Oh you want it back? No, I'm sorry I just can't oblige you right now".
On the ride to J___'s house he attempts to hold her hand. Awww drunk and sweet, so cute. This Hallmark Hall of Fame moment was interrupted by a drunken text message from me. Apparently since I learned that J___ was friends with Drk I sent Cr a text message asking her to find out Drk's last name. Oh I am such a drunken stalker, but now I know his last name and that's what really counts, right?
They get back to his house to find Mikey and some girl all snuggled up on the couch and passed out. At least it wasn't awkward. Cr gave J___ a kiss on the cheek and when he tried to give her a real one she stopped him and said, "Wait until next time, when you're not drunk." (look at that self respect and control, go Cr) And with that she gave him her number and came back to find me sleeping (some would say passed out) on the couch. On the positive side, this kept me from sending very many drunken texts. I sent an early text to Matty at around 10:30pm which wasn't bad or even sexual. I sent one to Todd that wasn't so sweet and demure at around 1:30 am, but that's not a big deal. In fact, I shook my head this morning because I don't really want to hook up with him again! Neither boy took time out of their busy schedules to text or call me but that's because Matty was working and Todd is probably back together with his girlfriend. But the best thing about life is that I finally took Drk's number out of the phone (I had tricked myself by putting him under a different name so that I would refrain from texting him drunkenly, but it didn't work), which was absolutely perfect because the mood I was in last night he would've called me a pervert, for sure! And I would've been blushing for days, hey sometimes I feel shame--not often but it happens.

Cr and I are both hoping that J___ calls her because he seems like a really good egg...but you never know with these boys. This morning at breakfast Cr laughed and said, "He was so drunk last night he probably doesn't even remember my fact he probably doesn't remember how he got home!" It's a good thing she put her name above the phone number.
Saturday, February 26, 2005
"Well That Explains The Glares"
So yesterday before I went to work Cr and I were talking about this guy named Bill. She went to high school with him and they were talking at the bar the night before. After a conversation of "catch up on what's going on your life," he turns to her and says, "I hope your friend doesn't think I'm a total dick," referring to me. Cr is baffled, and I'm just blind drunk on my barstool so I make no reaction because I now have limited hearing and have resorted to screaming my drink orders. Equally drunk (perhaps more so), Cr asks him why I would think he was a dick when I've had very limited contact with the boy. In fact my contact has been 1) I've seen him at the bar a few times. 2) my friend hooked up with his roommate 3)I ate dinner at the restaurant where he worked, but he wasn't working that night. 4) I was once at his (now ex) girlfriend's house during an extreme late night excursion. He tells her point blank, "I hit on your friend the other night."

Ok. So...the night Chelle and I hung out with A, the skinhead we stopped over at A, the skinhead's roommate's girlfriend's house. A's roommate is Bill. Ah, the pieces are slowly coming together. So we're at this girlfriend's house. To the best of my recall, I remember sitting on the couch with Drk's hat pulled low over my eyes and telling anyone who would listen about who I got the hat from and how much I looooooved him. Apparently, there was more to this story.

According to Bill, he kept trying to hit on me and actually was draping himself (his words, not exactly sure what constitutes draping)on me when his girlfriend (whose house it was) came into the room. Apparently this had already happened in front of her in the kitchen, when he was trying to stand in between my legs while I was sitting on the kitchen counter. I had enough with-it-ness at the time to pull my hat even lower and to move into the living room. I guess he followed me there. Who knew? Not this drunkie. Now I remember her saying that it was late and that it was time to go but now I know the real reason "it was time to go". Bill said that I wasn't responding to his Romeo-like passes but now I know why when I see his now ex-girlfriend at the bar she glares at me...I'm glad I know the story because I would've hated to be punched in the face without knowing the reason why. Oh and I guess that was the final straw too for the poor girl because she broke up with him that night! Whoops!
I'm Coming Over
Yesterday Cr moved in at the exact same time that she was suffering severely from what looked like one of the worst possible hangovers ever. Typically Cr is gorgeous with a capital G, last night she looked gross with a capital G. I was dead tired from the night before so it was with no sadness that I watched Cr go to bed at 6:30 pm. In fact, I was in bed by 10:30. My phone rings a couple of times from people wondering what I was doing, where was I, etc. I let the answering machine pick up--I was NOT going out.

Then my phone rings at 11:45, waking me up from a dead sleep. I look at it, it's Matty calling. Hmm, interesting--I bet he missed me on Wednesday night. I pick up.
"Hello," my voice sounding manly and groggy.
"Are you sleeping?"
"I was."
"Well wake up cutie pie! I want to make you wet."
(How can I resist that offer?)
"Ok," I sit straight up and take an assessment of this situation--it is grim, "How long 'til you get here?"
"15 minutes, I down at ______, working."(I have no idea where he was because I wasn't paying attention. I was just glad that he wasn't at his house because it would've only given me five minutes)
"Uhh ok, the door will be open."
So I hop off my bed. I realize I haven't showered at all. I realize I haven't shaved my legs or 'ahem' anything else in a couple of days. I fly into the shower. At 12 am I'm shaving/scrubbing until there's no tomorrow. The only thing I didn't wash was my hair. I jump out of the shower and spray Febreeze into my hair, pulling it back into a pony tail. This was just going to have to do.
My phone rings again. 'Uh oh," I think to myself, 'guess he changed his mind?'
"M. Since you didn't go out tonight I was thinking maybe you didn't uh spruce up, if you need more time let me know because I'm going to go down on you 'til you scream bloody murder. I don't want to sound like dick or anything. I just wanted you to know my intentions(hmm, his intentions sounded good to me!). But if you don't feel like showering though, I'd still go down on you after field hockey practice, I just wanted you comfortable and all."
(In high school the line, "She's so hot, I'd eat her out after field hockey practice," was bandied about quite often but I hadn't actually heard anyone use it since then. I was impressed that Matty used a variation on me...I need a life, because I'm easily impressed)

"Matty, all systems are go. I just got out of the shower. Speaking of which? Didn't you say you were coming from work? Do you want to shower here first?" (what are we the hygiene king and queen?)
"Nope, I stopped at home first, so I'll be there in five."

A couple minutes later I hear the door open.
"Hey Matty."
"Hey yourself. Why's Cr's car here?"
"She's living here now."
(I'm thinking by the time it took him to say oh, he was already planning a threesome for the future. Forget it.)

Matty moves to the basement door to I guess, assume the usual position on the futon. I grab his hand, "That's where she's sleeping tonight until her cats get comfy know, what with the dogs and everything." He shrugs. This must be really busting his groove. We go upstairs.
"Are we both sober?" he asks
"I don't know if you are, but I am," I say.
"This is a first then."
"I guess so." (I now realize why we're usually drunk...because our conversation otherwise is far from scintilating)

Long story short. I'm glad I woke up for the phone call as usual. The only reason he left at whatever time he did was that he had to go to work this morning and someone was picking him up at his house. Whether that was an excuse or not, I could've cared less because I fell back asleep with a smile on my face, exhausted and glad that I had showered.

Chelle went to NY for the night but before she left she told me not to have fun without her. Sorry Chelle, I guess I lied when I said I wasn't going to be having any fun this Friday night.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Ex Files- I Slept With Bruce Springsteen
A long, long time ago when I first started hanging out with V as friends right after he and his girlfriend broke up (because I was trying to weasel my way into his heart as his "friend") he called me up and asked me if I wanted to help him teach his cousin some drinking games because he (the cousin)was not very worldly when it came to them. V and I went to the same college so we were pros at drinking, playing games and fornicating (it was a very small town college).

I showed up at his apartment with a bag of homemade cookies and a case of V's favorite beer- Victory Golden Monkey, a Belgian Triple (which at that time I had never had before). We taught Bobby about twenty different games and all the while I'm drinking the Monkey, enjoying it whole heartedly, without knowing that it had 9.0 alcohol by volume. Damn, the monkey had bite! It bit me hard! The next thing I know I'm playing my hand from V's lap (seriously here, I'm just laying in his lap
playing my cards). Bobby passes out and V and I start fooling around on the couch.

I remember that we went into his room and we were on his bed, which was the single largest bed I'd ever seen in my life. I remember that we ended up taking each other's clothes off. I remember being embarassed because I had a really stupid bra on with pink hearts on it and leopard print underwear because I never in my wildest dreams thought anyone was going to be seeing them that night (I've never made that mistake again).

[The rest of the story was told to me by V, as I was too intoxicated to really remember everything...I remember snippets but it seemed like I was watching a movie rather than actually being there myself.]

V tells me that we start having sex and that he's talking to me and all of a sudden I start babbling about bribing a bouncer or something to get to him. He's confused, he asks a series of questions. He gets rambly weird answers. He says he grinned and then asked me who I thought I was "making love to"...I respond, "You Bruce." He questions me again, "Who's Bruce?"
I respond, "You are."
"Bruce who?"
"Bruce Springsteen." (who I am obsessed with, but I don't think that V knew that at the time)
He begins to laugh uncontrollably and tells me that we should continue this when I'm not all hopped up on Golden Monkey. The gentleman in him finally realized that I was crocked out of my mind. So he said he put a t-shirt on me, spooned me and we went to sleep.

[This is what happened next.]
I woke up in the morning, I look at the cute lug next to me. I touch his cheek, grin and then slide out of the bed. My clothes are neatly folded on a chair by the end of the bed. There's a note on top of my bra, "Nice matching set Cool Girl." And then it was signed, "Your biggest fan, Bruce Springsteen." Ok I was completely puzzled but I put my clothes on and I bolted because I was so scared that what we had done the night before was going to completely ruin our friendship. It was the direction that I wanted to go but now that we had...I didn't just want it to be a sex thing. I wanted a relationship with him. So I jotted a note for V and his cousin and I race home with a terrible hangover. I cursed the Golden Monkey all the way home.

I get home and realize that I just can't leave it the way I did. I wanted V to know why I had bolted so early. I fired up the computer and sent him an email (at this time we were emailing each other about five or six times a day).
Dear V--I just wanted to let you know whatever happened (I kind of know but I'm a little hazy on how it finished...sorry...I think your beer killed me!) I won't boil your bunny or anything. I know that you just got out of a seven year relationship and I won't push for you to jump in one with me, but I do want you to know that's where I'd like us to be headed. If you don't want this, let me know because I don't want to ruin our friendship because you rock my world! (Ok, I'm not going to use that phrase anymore now that we slept together because it has a completely different connotation than it did yesterday) You know what I mean. As always, lots of love and laughs--M. PS. What was up with the Bruce Springsteen note?

This is what I got back about an hour later:

Dear M-- I knew you were going to freak out and bolt early in the morning and that's why I left you a note (see sometimes it is good to sleep with your friends M, they know you better than the rest of the world ;) ) I'm not worried about you boiling my bunny, as I do not have a bunny, but thanks for the sentiment. I will not boil your dog either. So now that we both know neither of us is going to go crazy, I do want to see where this is going to go. I can handle it if you can and if one of us needs to back off--I'm cool with that too. By the thought you were having sex with Bruce Springsteen last night. I won't say I wasn't curious, but I thought maybe that was a sign that you weren't a consenting adult so I put a halt on the night's events. Next time read the label of the beer my little lush, you shouldn't play drinking games with the Monkey--it's 9% alcohol and it kicked your cute ass. I'm looking forward to wrestling with you in the future just as long as you call me can still call me "The Boss" if you'd like though. ~V

And that's how I ended up sleeping with Bruce Springsteen one fine night in March a couple of years back. To the real Bruce, I'm sorry...I didn't really sleep with you, but heaven knows I'd like to!
Cell Phone Quick Notes
Chelle and I were talking about B and how she wonders if he's home yet from his fishing excursion and I tell her that she should tactfully send him a text message that says Are you home yet? Let's fuck. I told her that the message worked very well with Matty. In fact, it's perfect--concise, to the point and just the slightest bit (ha) crass so that the man knows that you're not playing around. Chelle's response, "That's not exactly something you want in your quick notes (canned messages for cell phones)." My reply, "Yes it is. Then when I'm drunk I can send my mom a text message by accident that says,"Let's fuck" and then my grandma, heck maybe even my boss. Hmmm, this is me, rethinking the "Let's Fuck" canned message.
I Lied...
I went to thitwbar last night with my friend Nina, she suggested it and I jumped at the offer and here's what I saw:
1. Snowmobilers. People ride snow mobiles to the bar when it snows, I find it pretty funny. The wall was (again) lined with helmets of the drunken riders.

2. A girl with tight ass jeans on (which wasn't really a fashion choice, it looked like she "grew" into them), a half top (that wasn't meant to be a half top), high boots with fur at the top. She was dancing with her friend as if they were at the strip club down the street; which hey, who hasn't done some sexy dancing with their girlfriend? But umm yeah, their grinding had no rhythm and they kind of just looked like fish slapping against each other. Then the tight ass jeans girl (TAJ) grabs this guy into the mix who is blind (I only know this because he had his little white cane out) and starts grinding on him. He doesn't know what's going on, especially when TAJ grabs the blind guys hands and audibly slaps his hands on her sizable ass. Once he realized what he was holding, he quickly removed them and lost part of balance. I'm thinking getting drunk doesn't improve this. Her friend rectifies the situation by making a sandwich out of him and they all grooved out of sync for a few moments until the blind guy broke it up. Don't know why he did but I was thankful.

3. Hmm let's see Crystal was crying at the bar calling herself a "black widow spider" and whispering it over and over...because she "breaks boy's hearts and they are never ever the same."

4. Sweet Cheeks fell off his barstool, and it took him a little while to get back up. Cr thinks it was due to embarassment, I think it was due to inebriation. I never want him to ever flag me, nor any other bartender there because they gave old Sweet Cheeks another beer!

5. Crystal and W's one friend was at the bar and was upset about the snow not for any other reason than she was supposed to start working as a dominatrix in the city part time but the club shut down for the evening due to the bad weather. I found that, and the fact that the boy's girlfriend had no clue about her new part time job pretty funny.
Actually, maybe that's all I saw? I thought there were more interesting things going on at the bar last night. It was a strange night. Cr and W showed up around ten or so and trouble was in the air. Apparently Cr wasn't too happy with him and was going to break up with him. Let awkwardness ensue. He sat with his other friends while Cr glared at him. When he played music, she rolled her eyes...when he breathed she cursed him (I'm only kidding on that one). But I pretty much got the message that W was on his way out. Sometimes Cr is a cold hard bitch and I love her for it! (no offense W)
I proceded to get drunk, for no particular reason. I didn't really talk to anyone. I'm not sure that I was capable of speech after a certain point. I was feeling less than feelings of love for Drk last night. I had uncontrollable bitchiness towards him actually simply because he annoys me with his constant chit chat when he doesn't put out. Come on already (only kidding, but in my drunken state this is what I was thinking). I remember lots of shots...a couple of things with Red Bull in them and then I woke up this morning feeling a little groggy but all in all, ok. Tonight I think I'm moving Cr into my house...which is going to be so much fun! With two gorgeous girls with loose morals in the house I'm half tempted to install a revolving door as my entrance way. Bring on the men!
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Another Reason...
So I am completely forlorn without my fix of Drk and thitwbar. I didn't go to Wing Night. I was good and stayed home. I did some work and I read a book. I won't lie, I thought about what I was missing; midgets, skinheads, Sweet Cheeks- flipping me off, Drk looking hot, Rich-the guy who buys me lots of shots, Matty-looking for a piece of my ass, Carol-the drunk lady who plays a lot of made me even more sad. But I wasn't going to make that walk alone and here's why... Now of course, I'm only joking but it is a little strange to see how much of my time that bar has taken up in my life. But on the other hand, where are you going to find a bar like this anywhere? I must take advantage of it...

Next post, maybe I'll tell you about the local strip club. I'll give you a hint, the title has the word PUMP in it...and "that's hot" or maybe it's just sleazy, I just can't tell anymore.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
It Slipped Under the Radar- Um Literally
I completely forgot to tell you all about the fact that there is a midget (do they prefer little person or do they hate that term? I don't want to offend)who is a regular at thitwbar? One random night (after a previous introduction), he hopped (yes he really hopped) up onto a barstool next to me and said, "Greetings and Salutations my name's Bob. I think I've seen you in here before..." (yes perhaps you have...) After saying hello and shaking his hand politely, we made a little small talk and when I got the feeling I knew which track this conversation was going down, I hopped off my barstool and ran to the bathroom, after excusing myself of course. I didn't want to have to tell people that I was hit on by a midget/little instead I will say I was ALMOST hit on by a midget/little person, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Apparently I handled the situation in a less demeaning way than other girls have in the past because Drk came up to me and thanked me for being nice to Bob. Which was weird, I'm sarcastic but I'm rarely mean. But hey, at least now Drk knows I'm a whore with a heart of gold (well maybe sterling silver). Had I let Bob ask me out though, as he was hemming around to do, Chelle and I could've had the single funniest looking double date. Skinhead, midget...midget scary sensitive skinhead. Any questions?
Ex Files-The "Strong" Man
The first person I dated after my dad died was this guy named Todd. Now it's not the Todd that you've all heard about before so we'll call this new Todd (or the first Todd), Todd A. I blame my dating him completely on the the fact that I was rusty. I took my mourning and recovery pretty seriously you see. I didn't drink until I thought I could handle it, I barely went out, I really wanted to stabilize first, which is why I don't think I'm completely mentally scarred or anything. I mean, I definitely miss my dad but I think I would've gone down a REALLY distractive route had I allowed myself to. Ok I digress. When I finally felt sane and rational again...

My friend Staci and I were out at a bar (this is back when I'd actually leave town to go to a bar, like a WHOLE 20 mins away), we run into these guys. I think the one is pretty cute, he's smart (he's a scientist), he's built well and he was making me laugh. I disregarded the sandals (I hate sandals on men...blame it on all the bad male hippie feet I've seen), I disregarded that he was wearing a really stupid shirt and I gave him my phone number.

He called me the next day to ask me if I wanted to go to this really cool bohemian town for dinner and to hit the bars afterwards the next weekend. I agreed. In fact I was impressed that he came up with such a cool idea. I went out and bought the coolest outfit ever! And this is why. Ok you already knew I had no shame right? I used to have a retagging gun. My friend and I stole it during one summer when we did a stint at Victoria's Secret. We used that gun with reckless abandon. So it was with no shame that I went to Nordstrom and bought these awesome dark jeans with aquamarine colored beads, sparklies and rhinestones around the waist band. Umm yeah, they cost $350.00, I didn't even blink. I knew they were coming back after I had them dry cleaned (as least I did that). Then I went and bought this crocheted sparkly tank that crisscrossed in the back in the same color as the beads. The shirt was $95.00 (but I have to say...I kept it, I loved it too much. I retagged it for the sale, and then repurchased it!)

The date went great. The town was very much alive and we were really one of the few heterosexual "couples" or dates out on the town so we had very few distractions. He didn't drink because he was "a body builder" so I drank very little. I was impressed that he was open minded, again- excited that he was intelligent. I felt good about this. He took me back to his place (because I met him there) and we kissed for a while and then I fell asleep on his couch--don't ask, I don't even know how). He asked me the next morning to go to his mock Strong Man competition (you know like the guys who drag tractor trailers and what not). Apparently, he and his friends would do it every year as an excuse to get together. I agreed. It sounded weird but it was refreshing to meet someone who was different. Oh boy was he.

I went to the competition, it was cool enough. Odd though that his mom was there and that I met her. Ok, this was like our second date and this wasn't even really a date! She totally grilled me and then in front of me, told him that I was very pretty and I seemed intelligent and that I passed "the little brother test". Turns out that Todd A's little bro was mentally handicapped. Um hi, what did she think I was going to do? Spit on the idea of a handicap? Whatever. I should've run right then and there. But of course, I didn't. I also got to meet his older sister. She was pretty cool--or so I thought at first.

After the competition (which Todd won), we went out to the bar by his house. His sister and I proceeded to get loaded all due to the fact that Todd and his friends were liquoring us up. Now can I help it if Todd's friends are flirting with me? Harmlessly? Well his big sis starts yelling at me. Keep in mind while his friends are flirting with me, I have my hand on Todd's inner thigh...I think he was comfortable with the level of flirting. Todd sensed trouble so he asked if I wanted to go back to his apartment before everyone else got there. I nodded, and drunkenly went to find my heels because I had kicked them off somewhere in the bar (yup, I'm that classy!) Sorry I don't like to wear shoes.

We go back to his place and inevitably we have sex. It's awful. It makes my skin crawl. He sounds like he's trying to reenact porn. He's using this crazy voice, he keeps asking me, "Is my cock big enough for you? You know it is, you bad girl, you slut." Ok...I like dirty talk in the bedroom but it's probably not a good idea to call me a slut when I'm definitely feeling like one because this was our second date and it was just all around creepy. Again, I should retrieved my dignity off the floor with my bra and undies but nope I'm no quitter. I go round two. Round Two is better. I take charge, and every time he tries to say something cliche and/or corny (I mean so corny it's reserved for porn, or when you're actually together together and you are kidding around), I bite him or kiss him so he can't speak. TMI Alert-skip this next line if you don't like TMI, read on if you do...pervs.... Yeah so...I'm riding Todd like there's no tomorrow when Big Sis walks into the room and gasps as if she needed to use my inhaler. It was in my purse, she could've gotten it. After seeing her face of horror/ sheer loathing (not like the "Oops, I walked in on fornication face") I had the impulse to grin and wave but instead I just stopped dead. Todd kind of tossed me and rushed out of the room to "comfort" his sister. It was totally a Flowers in the Attic kind of moment. I was pissed, mostly I admit, because I was almost there.

This time I did gather my clothes and (what was left of my dignity). I got dressed and walked past the wacko brother/sister team who were sitting on the couch I conked out on the week before. I liked the pleading on Todd A's part it was great, "I'm soo sorry that I've gone against You and OUR RELIGION. My flesh is weak...and she's, she's..." I slammed the door at that part because I didn't want to hear how I was Jezabel or Lilith or Eve or whatever other fucking biblical woman they wanted to slander to make up for weaknesses on both parts.

He called the next day to apologize. I took a break from seeing him again for a couple of weeks because I was weirded out, but I did agree to hear him out, I thought maybe it was because I was drunk that perhaps I over-reacted or I didn't interpret the situation the way it actually went down. Why I doubted myself, I'll never know because then I dated him for a couple of months (of course, far from his Mommy and Big Sis's watchful eyes) but it was the biggest waste of time. He was totally warped and wrapped up in the Madonna/Whore complex and of course, you could see which category I fell under. And because of that he was always trying to have sex with me like I wasn't there. I was kind of the accessory that fit on his penis, it was very odd. But never you worry, I would always fix that behavior and I would show him that it was unacceptable (of course he just paid me lip service but I thought I was getting through to him. Remember I'm still a little young and wet behind the ears at this point. I didn't know what I wanted or what I was willing to accept)
Oh but the absolute kicker? It turned out he was always lying to me. He was an alcoholic, that's why he didn't drink. Do you think I felt like an asshole for taking him to bars with my friends and myself? Do you think that I felt a little shitty about being drunk sometimes when I kissed him? And do you think that he tried to blame me for wanting to drink, turning away from his religious beliefs, etc. NO I DID NOT, BECAUSE HE NEVER TOLD ME!! After ripping him a new asshole (larger than the one he already had, which he called his head), I ran away from that trainwreck of a relationship as quickly as my legs could carry me...where ran straight into the arms of the other Todd (oh boy).

PS. I dated normal people too...these stories are just much more fun to regale you with!
No Wind Beneath My Hot Wings
So tonight is Wing Night. I hang my head sadly, my shorn hair tickles my shoulders where it used to cascade down them; or according to Cr it just "hung" there...whatever. The real sadness? The fact that I'm probably not going to thitwbar tonight, the first night without Wing Night in two months (read:first Weds.night without Matty when he's done his union meeting).
Chelle has put an embargo on weekday beer so that she can save money; I think she just doesn't have to hang out with A because she feels so guilty because he's such a sensitive fascist. Either reason is admirable enough I suppose. Cr mentioned something about going out either Wednesday or Thursday but I haven't heard anything from her yet and tomorrow it's supposed to snow like a bitch all day. (Sigh) This no Drk stuff sucks, I'm going to take all of this angst out on the eliptical shortly. For now I'll just look at his picture. Yep, he's as dreamy as I remember him. In the fine words of those flaxen haired twins (Nelson, in case you didn't know who I was referring to) "I just can't live without your love and affection." Ok that was the cheesiest thought I've ever posted but it cracked me up so I'm guessing that's all that matters. Perhaps later, (when I should be doing work) I'll make a list of cheesy (and not so cheesy) titles that refer to my "love and affection" for Drk.
Ok so if I were to make a theoretical tape for Drk what would be on it? Actually probably none of what I'm posting because I'm not looking at my (seriously 100's and 100's of CDs) so I know that I'm just going to toss in anything that I can think of off the top of my head right now. So...

Right off the bat: Magnet and Steel, The Good Times Are Killing Me (Modest Mouse-well because all this bar going has been killing me),Cat Scratch Fever (the Nuge-not because I'm a huge fan or anything but because that's the way I'm feeling),A Pirate's Life For Me (It's the song they play in the ride,"Pirates of the Carribean"), Why Do Good Girls Like Bad Guys (DMX-ok that one doesn't count since he's the good one, I just wanted to get a little thug vibe on the tape), I Like the Way You Move (Outkast-because of his cute strut), Diamonds on the Inside (Ben Harper-because I think he's both good looking and good hearted),On Fire (Bruce Springsteen-describes how he makes me feel when I see him), Strange Condition (Pete Yorn-because Yorn feels the same way I do about everything, I just have this feeling, except I'm a little bit more chipper about the failure of my love life,White Lines (Uhh not for the reason you think, but because it seems like I've been on drugs for the past two months...being coked up out of my mind would explain things; unfortunately I'm drug free)...hmmm this is a lame list but I guess I'll have to pull out my CDs and see what I can come up with. What can you come up with? Give explanations.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Hiking On My Back- Don't Try This At Home
When I was in college I had Advanced Photography. Advanced Photography required twice as many rolls shot per week than regular old Photography and more time spent in the dark room. I loved all of this but I also had a very active social life so I decided to get a head start before the semester started and shoot a bunch of rolls. For one, I would get some great shots because I could travel a little further than I actually would during the actual semester--ensuring some more original shots and I would get some of the work done that I would inevitably slack on in the coming months.

I headed down the highway to the state park about twenty minutes from the college campus, my mother's hand-me-down Nikon with the coolest guitar-style strap sat impatiently on the passenger side seat of the old Chevy Caprice. I hopped out of the car, armed with the Nikon, five rolls of film and energy. Perhaps it was the weather that had me charged but I literally skipped towards the path that meandered through the woods and eventually up to a vista. I finished the first roll in under ten minutes and realized that I should probably slow down a little bit otherwise I'd miss out on the great view from the top.

Every time I venture out into the woods alone (whether it be for a couple of minutes or a couple of hours) I am always reminded of the first time I read Walden, I've always been a little jealous of Thoreau because he had the guts to live simply. Those thoughts were quickly interrupted when I came upon another person crouched on the trail apparently tying his shoe. I politely sidestepped him and gave him a,"Hey. Nice day huh?" and kept on walking. From behind me the guy says,"Hey weren't you in my Film class?"
I turned around and took a better look at the voice. Yeah, he was gorgeous. His name was Jason. He had superb broad shoulders from football, beautiful dredlocks, tan skin and the clearest pale green eyes. Oh I remembered him from film class alright.
"Yeah I remember you. Sorry didn't mean to be rude or anything, I just try not to make eye contact with anyone on the trails..." I trailed off because I really didn't know what I was saying.
"Are you hiking today?" he asked.
I held up the camera that was hanging from my neck, "I have to take pictures for a class. I kind of want to get a head start. The black room gets packed mid-semester, you know?" He nodded, but clearly did not know.
"Do you want to hike together? Or do you want to be alone with that?" pointing his hand at my camera.
"No, we can walk together, sure."
We barely talked, but it wasn't uncomfortable. He kind of just stood by while I took pictures and we chatted briefly every now and then. When we got to the top of the mountain I snapped a few pictures and then we both sat on one of the rocks and soaked up the sun. After a few minutes Jason (aka Mr. Smooth) turns to me (and quite frankly I'm glad he did this because my butt was perched on a pokey part of the rock) and says, "I always thought you were always cute in that class. Spunky. Did you and the Prof have a thing?"
"Uh no." I said with both eyebrows in the air.
"Oh well it just seemed like you did. You guys were always just joking back and forth in the class."
"Well it was a fun class."
"I guess so." (he totally didn't seem as enthused about it as I had been)
"What about that short guy you always sat with?"
"Are you my stalker? Seriously, you can tell me...I won't run or anything." (Hell yes I will)
"No. I was just always trying to figure out your deal."
"Well I was and am single. I think the "short guy" that you're referring to was my friend Dave."
"Well in that case..." and he leaned in and kissed me. The kiss turned into frantic clothes stripping. Maybe it was the location, maybe it was just hormones, maybe it was the fact that I had been living in the college town all summer with about three college students and 700 locals with five teeth (in other words M was hard up); whatever it was we both pulled off clothes like our lives depended on it.

I wish I could say that the experience was completely great and for the most part it was. The guy was gorgeous, so was the location, the sex wasn't bad but the dirt and sticks that were being crammed in places they shouldn't be crammed in weren't very cool at all. Thank God there wasn't any poison ivy around (back in my little years when I basically lived in the woods with my friends I had a bad run in with poison ivy as toilet paper and I never want to experience it again). When everything was said and done we retrieved clothes, laughed at the possibility of other hikers and wiped dirt off each other's bodies (that was kind of hot now that I think about it). We walked back down to where our cars were parked, holding hands. Yeah it was kind of corny but we both knew it was a fleeting Moment that we had just experienced. As we exited the woods, I felt like a character from A Midsummer Night's Dream. That woods held some kind of enchantment that's for sure. We got to my car and I leaned against it as I pulled Jason towards me and tasted him again briefly. "I'll see you around," as I pushed him gently away and slid into my car.
"Yeah, later" he said smiling and he leaned into the car and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
The truth is, we did see each other around on campus. We had some of the same friends and actually unbeknownst to me, I was sleeping with one of his best friends by I actually saw quite a bit of him. Although perhaps not as much as I saw that one day.

A kind of funny aside was that our school did a "Men of ____(insert my college here)Calendar" and Jason was in there. Sometimes I wish I had purchased one so that when I'm old, wrinkly and the other person who thinks I'm a hottie has no teeth of his own and arthritis to boot; I could whip out that calendar, sit my granddaughter on my knee and say to her, "I hit that" pointing at Jason. (Maybe I wouldn't use that term, but I think it's funny to say)
It Felt Good But...
Going the gym was nice, but getting my workout with Matty is much nicer. That was my only thought while I was trucking away on the eliptical thingy.

Drk better watch out, he may miss the boat (and please tell me what pirate would want to do that?). I'm good looking now, by May--I'm going to be a buff goddess.
Get Off Your Ass...
Due to recent decisions to visit thitwbar less frequently I decided I needed something else to fill my time. Hence, I am joining a new gym. This should be highly amusing as I am joining with my friend Chelle (of the skinhead puppy kissing variety-hey at least it was only a kiss!). This is a new thing for me, I've always gone to a different gym than all my friends because I'm immature. It will be hard to concentrate because I love being a after today when I start singing the Chariots of Fire theme song while we cruise to Nowheresville on the treadmill, she may not want to be my gym rat friend. But I bet she will.

I am so excited though! I've missed my old gym very much. After buying a house I had to give up the luxurious yet rediculously expensive gym I once was a member of. It was a gym for the beautiful people. I swear, I was the only person who ever broke a sweat there, everyone else just 'glistened' in their sexy little non-workoutable outfits.

This morning my liver thanked me for this decision. You're welcome little liver, you are welcome.
Monday, February 21, 2005
Stolen Probably All Too Recently From Naked Drinking Cofee
Tell me something I didn't know! ;)

Your Seduction Style: Siren / Rake

You possess an unbridled sensuality that appeals to many.
The minute you meet anyone, you can make the crave you almost immediately.
You give others the chance to lose control with you... spiraling into carnal bliss.
A dangerous lover, you both fascinate and scare those you attract.

This Just In...
So I can't accept that No means No...or even that silence means a resonating NO. With that said, I sent Drk a final semi-mostly-sober message saying, "You don't know what kind of fun you missed out on. We're fairly harmless when we're sober." And then I signed it with Cr's name. Spineless, I know...but it was kinda fun!
Just Realized...
I was watching a commercial for the cereal Honey Bunches of Oats and the lady described it as a "Mouthful of Joy" which I realized that, I too, have been described in exactly the same way. From now on, refer to me as HB of O. Thanks. Your cooperation is greatly appreciated.
Don't Give Us A Day Off Please... No Really, Please.
So because I had the day off I needed to fill my time with all that I possibly could. Chelle and I watched The Forgotten, and to be honest, it's already forgotten. I hated it. Truly, madly, deeply. When Chelle left it was like the changing of the guard, because Cr came over. Cr and I decided to plan our birthday party over a nice hoagie at my favorite sandwich shop. With that done we hit the dollar store (yes we are classy) to buy our decorations and then...well we decided to hit thitwbar, because we wanted to get our drink on. "Hi, my name's Melina and I'm a sexaholic/alcoholic." Kidding. I can do without the alcohol. Seriously, I can.

We get to thitwbar and the cute 19 year old bartender/son of the owner is working. Yum. I feel like the dirtiest woman ever as I watch him do whatever he's doing. Cr and I attempt to drum up some other friends to join us at the bar at 2:30 but alas we could think of noone but Drk. I say, "No, I'm not texting him," very firmly. Cr says to me, "If you do what you've continued to have done, then you should expect the same results. You're not drunk. You should actually call him, but I will accept a text message." The statement about continuing what you have done resounded in me. Spineless like a jellyfish, I chose not to call him but I did send him a text message: "Hey! Cr and I want to hang out with you. And why wouldn't you want to hang out with the funnest (on purpose grammatical error) girls ever?" Well apparently, he was either sleeping, dead, busy or didn't want to hang out with the "funnest" girls ever. And because of that ladies and gents, I'm holding myself to the March 20th deadline. Cr and I discussed it. First of all we laughed at it. Then she said as usual, "M, you're soo not like this. In fact I've seen guys pine over you more than you've ever pined over anyone. Actually, have you ever pined over anyone other than V?" The answer to this is a resounding NO, but I have to say, the V pining was way different. That was real heartache; whereas this is just infatuation.

So we didn't hear from Drk even though my heart jumped when I received a text message...but it was Chelle (not that I don't love you babe, but're without a penis, a pirate tattoo and a tiny little bean of a head). We proceeded to discuss our sex lives with wild abandon, avoiding the widening eyes of the truckers who were parked alongside of us at the bar. There was a whole lot of Matty discussion,comparisons between him, Todd, a couple of other boys, including the boy (the other boy, who's not Matty) whom Cr and I "overlapped" on (but not at the same time...even though he asked for a threesome, and we almost agreed. Almost. I got smart last minute. And of course, we discussed Cr and W's sex life (sorry W), although mostly we talked about the growing emotional connection,nothing juicy--seriously. Cr was trying to tell me that she thought that perhaps with Matty, there could be a stronger connection could be there if I would just drop the "I'm-in-love-with-Drk" act. In fact she used the cute guy from Friday that I left at the bar as an example ) She tried to tell me that a guy (Matty) would definitely "hit that" once or twice but when he (Matty) keeps coming back (disregarding how GOOD the sex is) that there is some underlying attraction there. I disagreed. I could definitely see myself actually liking Matty if I would allow myself to, but I don't. And the reason why I don't is because I know Matty like the back of my hand. Why? Because I am a female Matty. For example, at times I despise Todd, and yet given the opportunity I'd bang him like a screen door (sorry, had to be was my favorite line in high school...long before I was banging anything except screen doors--umm when I was shutting them).

So we spent about two hours at the bar that we lovingly call home. I know what you're thinking, this was my one trip to the bar. Um no, it doesn't count, Drk wasn't there. Cr graciously offered to show up at Drk's church and she wanted us to bang on his door and demand that he hang out with us, but I had enough sense to turn it down. We've agreed that I will date after March 20th, because there are boys that do want to date me (the nice thing is, that they will wait) but because they're "easy to get" I just don't like them. So Drk, if you're reading this (which you're not) you've got a month and after that, there will be a new star of the blog. Sorry hon, I love you...but you aren't reciprocating. Reciprocate and I'll make it worth your while, promise.
Advertisements--I've Gone Corporate!
Hey,if you notice that there's a banner on my blog for's because I've joined their afiliate program. This is the only ad I'm putting up and the reason why it's there is because this company totally rocks! It's a little grassroots service that will totally help you create the shirt/ hoodie (did you read that MooCow?) of your dreams. If you click on the banner and buy one, I benefit from it, I admit this. So please make your loved ones a shirt! So that I can make Drk another one...Thanks. The Management aka Melina
Five Bars In As Many Hours
Last night Chelle called and said that she'd be over by 6:30 to head over to the microbrewery. We went there and it was dead. Dead as a doornail, like Jacob Marley. We ate there (which was a struggle in itself to be seated even though there were about forty tables open) and we drank most of a pitcher of beer. I also had the pleasure of running into S (of the weird text messages, and strange phone calls, and he's the guy that called me a whore--for no reason, honestly). It actually was a comfortable conversation; he's a nice guy when he's not drinking.

We decided to leave that bar and we headed to the next closest bar. We got out of the car but as I peered in, it looked like all old people. We packed back into the car and went to my old local bar (from the time before meeting Drk). The old local bar features a special on Sunday nights which is any well drink or draft beer for a silver coin (so theoretically, a nickel) for one hour. Usually it's pretty fun but that bar was kind of dead too. We ran into Clint but only said our hellos. He would've been more friendly had Cr been there, since they went to high school together. Doesn't matter, he was still nice to look at. After a beer we decided to head over to the biker bar that's a few blocks down from thitwbar.

I should've known what kind of night we were going to have when I opened the wooden door and fell inside. Apparently there's a stone step there. Who knew? Obviously not me as I was sprawled on the floor. Not exactly the entrance I typically like to make--but considering there were about five men in the bar (and two women) I was ok with the sprawling. We drank a beer and then this guy approached Chelle and I. Now I don't want to poke a lot of fun on this guy because he was very sweet. That being said, he had a hair helmet. It was a feathered, mullety kind of deal and it was thick, a smokey grey color and looking very much like a dead pelt on his head. He asked to buy us beers. I started to decline but Chelle quickly said,"Sure." Greg (of the mullet pelt) proceeded to tell us that he's head of arriving security for bands such as Aerosmith and Van Halen but that he was in town to get a divorce. I felt bad for him so as I played Naked Photo Hunt with Chelle I nodded my condolences. Speaking of photo hunt, Chelle and I pretty much spent about ten dollars on photo hunt. Money well spent I suppose, it kept us from making eye contact with the locals (damn, I am a local here now. Damn I say!). Chelle and I decided to head over to the French Quarter (a bar across the street, not New Orleans).

We shuffled across the street (smart women that we are in our three inch heels trotting out in the snow) and entered that bar. It was equally empty, but we ran into Mikey and his friend who I think is pretty darn hot but he's always got a lady on his very nicely tattooed arm...and it's never the same girl twice! So we chat with Mikey for a while (who is pretty banged up and drunk) when they announce that they are going to the second bar that we stopped at, that I made us turn around and get back into the car. Mikey stumbles to an semi-standing pose and asks, "You coming?" So we agreed that we would meet them up there after we finished our beers. Amazingly, it was only ten thirty at this point.

So we went to the bar that Todd always frequents and I was half hoping to run into him because frankly I wanted to get laid. But he wasn't there. Chelle, Mikey and proceeded to get drunk, well Mikey was well on his way beforehand. Mikey's friend and his ex-girlfriend who is now "a friend with benefits" decided to leave around 1 am. Because Chelle said, "Call Todd." I did. I'm laying the blame solely on her...and the snow. Todd lives across the street from the bar so it was only right to think that he would drive us home, and hey, if I had to sleep with him in gratitude so be it. Well I text messaged him. We text messaged back and forth. He said he'd come get us. Then he told me he was wasted and he wasn't even at his house but that he would come get us and then "he would make me cum." This dirty little text message made me happy and excited to see him. Umm yeah, he was a no show. Knowing him like I do, I'm sure that he passed out wherever he was. He's always been one to pass out sitting up. So yeah, I call him again and leave him a drunken message, promising sexual favors etc and I hear nothing. Today I look at my phone. I sent him 19 text messages last night, granted he sent 11, but gosh (the gosh is residual effects from Napoleon Dynamite, sorry). Apparently I had a goal.

Because Mikey, Chelle and I had no ride and we were all drunk as skunks we had to call his friend's friend with benefits (FWB). FWB arrived and drove us home. Of course I had to be difficult because I made FWB drop me off at my house so that I could be with my dogs. FWB sighed and fishtailed her way to my house. Chelle and her "twin" as she calls Mikey (as they have the same birthday) decided to go back to his friend's house where I would've assumed that they would've hooked up. But...
she shows up at my house at 8:30 am and shrieks,"We wouldn't hook up! We're twins!" There was really no point for her to go there last night then (in my book) because all they did was eat Chinese food and drink a beer because everyone else was already passed out at the house. I sat at my house last night composing a really nice text message to Drk that read, "Do you want to watch a movie with me sometime as friends? I know I've been (am a) tard but I think that we would be really good fries (I'm assuming that I meant friends there)" I didn't send this message, I put it in my saved bin and then I pitched it off my phone this morning. Now Chelle and I lay on my couches laughing about our evening of every bar except the strip club that our tiny town has to offer. So there, are you all happy? I got away from thitwbar for a day...did I mention that it's closed on Sundays? Well it's the priciple of the deal, really.
Sunday, February 20, 2005
My Mother The Stalker...So That's Where it Came From. Who Knew?
So my mom and I decided to spend the day together, because we're close like that. We did some grocery shopping, went to Blockbuster (so that I could tell her what movies suck and which movies were acceptable to get...tomorrow she will yell at me for purposely picking out movies that I like that she doesn't. This is not true, she just has no taste). We hit the mall and returned some clothes that I can't afford but because they were sparkly I bought them (I'm a little like a crow that adds shiny stuff to his nest)...then I got my mortgage bill so I decided to take a couple of items back. Ah well, I'll catch them on clearance! A much better plan really!

On our way down to the mall I told my mom the story now entitled, "Bread Crusts" and she's now enamoured of Drk. She feels that true love awaits us and that there is hope that she will have a very short, black haired child with a strut (obviously when he or she can walk) within the year. Obviously, optimism in the shadow of defeat is a family trait. I swear, she was humming lulabyes under her breath as we marched through Nordstrom to return stuff at Abercrombie and Bebe and at Arden B. I'm a bit of a shopper sometimes. It comes and goes in spurts, I save and save--and then I spend and spend.

On our way back from the mall my mom casually asks, "Where does Drk live? I want to see my future whatever-in-law's place."
"Uh yeah, about that...he lives down ____th street but no, you can't drive past. I'm sure that crosses the stalking line, and there are laws against that in this state!"
My mom waves a hand at me to shush me and makes a turn down ___th street. She also proceeds at three miles and hour. I duck down, turning red and act like I'm five,
"Ma...his car isn't even here...Will you just drive faster, please?"
She goes back to my house and as she's pulling into the driveway she asks (mostly to herself), "Maybe he's at his mom's house..."
"Don't even think about it!"
"Ok, ok. I just want to see him!"
"Then come to the bar with me, but for heaven's sake...I embarass myself enough around him. I don't need him thinking you're a lunatic too!"
"Well I just want to run into him and shake some sense into him! You're so pretty M, and smart. Where is he going to find a catch like you, I ask you?"
A bit wearily, "I know Mom, that's what I've been telling him for months now."
"Maybe you should wear sluttier clothes when you go out..."

And with that, the Dali Lama of Dating Advice went home to bake a cake for her boyfriend.

Tonight (since I have off tomorrow), it's a trip to either the microbrewery place or to the bar I used to attend religiously (for no amorous reasons, just for drunken ones) I was there for a few minutes on Thursday and everyone there told me that they missed me...but I'm not ready to go back just yet. Wish me luck. I have a feeling that with the impending snow storm, it may just be a quiet night with Chelle (a little boozing and a whole lot of Blockbuster). But we'll see, why jinx myself!
The Ex-Files
I once dated this guy named Brian for a very short period of time--about two months. I broke up with him for several shallow reasons. He actually was probably the nicest guy I ever dated in my life...but these "reasons" impeded our relationship to the extent that I had to say, "It's not you Bri, it's me. I don't like you anymore." ( I would never really be mean like that, it's just a joke)
Reason number one: He had a tattoo covered of his ex girlfriend's name (they had been together for six years so he thought it was safe enough to do) with a tattoo of a bloodthirsty-looking ice hockey player complete with a Flyers' jersey. Whenever I looked at it I smirked because it was so stupid looking. I would've preferred he kept "Angela" on his shoulder forever.

Reason number two: Cr dyed my hair for my bday. I thought it looked great. Brian told me it was the color of eggplant. I thought it looked nice, but after that comment I hassled Cr to redye it and make it less reddish/purple, even though I didn't really see any red or purple. But Brian told me throughout my entire dinner that it was indeed, eggplant.

Reason number three: He had dead animal heads over his bed--actually all over the room, but the ones over the bed were particularly freaky. He was an avid bow hunter (which ok, takes a little more skill than just using a gun but ick...). Picture attempting to set the mood, when you dim the lights, put a little music on. Maybe light a candle or two. Candle light big mistake. The creatures' fake eyes gleaming eerily in the semi-dark, their shadows cast long strange shapes against the wall. No matter what I attempted to stay in the moment, I was constantly staring at them and secretly apologizing that not only were they killed needlessly, but they constantly witness their killer have sex. Poor Bambi's mom never had to deal with such cruel and unusual punishment. No relationship could survive that, sorry.

Saturday, February 19, 2005
Boredom, Back bones, And Lists About Drk
I'm bored and it's not yet eight o'clock. I have finished one novel (read it all day today because it was freezing outside and I really didn't have anything else I could do) and I'm about to decide whether to begin another one or watch a movie or to watch Law&Order reruns on USA. But before I make one of those exciting decisions I thought I'd post a little about Drk because that's who I was thinking about (shocker, I know). But it goes past that. I was thinking, "What do I really like about him?" so some of the things are trivial and some not so much.
After last night I'm a little down in the mouth about him and about my complete lack of backbone. So here's my list. Perhaps I'll just stick to the status quo for right now and around my birthday, when his t-shirt arrives. I'll march on up to his church and see what's what. So until then, I pine. Let me pine. If you are sick of my pining, don't read this post.
You've been warned.

1. He's a nodder. You ask a question and he nods emphatically. I've actually never seen anyone nod quite so much as he. I think he's a "yes man". This is good because when I finally do ask him out, I'm hoping that he will just nod yes.
2. He's very polite. I love polite people. I was raised to treat people well. (An aside: Once, V and I were at a wing joint and we kept asking the bartender things and I guess we were both overly polite because the bartender asked,"Did you two go to Catholic school or something? Because you two are the most polite people I've ever met." Nope. Crazy hippie school for me!

3. He has a really funny strut in his walk. In fact Cr said last night, "If he were a little taller I really could see Drk strutting his stuff down the runway. Alas, I think he's 5'6"--fine by me. Sometimes good things come in small packages--and if I don't wear heels, he 'towers' over me by an inch. Unfortunately, I wear three inch heels every day. But for him, I could buy flats if he wanted me to be short.

4. He's funny. When we talk he has a definite way with words. I love a good wordsmith. He is very sarcastic and ironic. That's sexy in a man.

5. He lives in a converted church. It's quirky and cute.

6. He remembers my dogs' names and he asks about them at the bar.

7. He cut the crusts off my sandwich. He gave me a hat. He gave me a ride home. He puts up with my drunken antics. He did a shot with me at the end of the night on Thursday (when he hardly ever drinks...and he rarely does shots [remember when I harassed him about that last Friday?]) He does all these things when he doesn't have to and that makes me believe that we're at the very least--slowly becoming friends. I can handle that, in the end.

8. He has several very attractive tattoos. I find them all intrguing and as orignal as he is. I get visions of myself outlining them with my finger while we lay face to face on my bed while we're talking. It's a pleasureable vision.

9. He looks a little like my dad did when he was young. Yes I'm sure people think that's creepy and Freud would have a field day with it but hey, I can't help it. I didn't recognize this attraction, my mom pointed it out to me--I was creeped out by the idea for about ten minutes and then I got over it. You should too.

10. He spent New Year's Eve with his mom, not out partying.

11. He holds his cigarette funny. Now, I'm not a huge fan of him being a smoker but...he kind of stands there when he's talking with one hand holding the elbow of the smoking hand. The cigarette stands poised in the smoking hand like he should be smoking it out of one of those long tube things (can't remember the name of them) that Cruella DeVille had and the women of the 20's and 30's had.

12. He's unique and real, I don't think Drk compromises his integrity ever. Integrity is rare these days.

13. He's a musician. I am a creative person who needs a creative outlet, it's always good to find another soul who's driven by a passion.

14. He thinks being left handed is cool too.

Things I don't know about Drk but I can imagine about him:

14. I can picture him skipping down the road with me if I asked him to. I'm a strong proponent of skipping. I think it will keep me from getting wrinkled and old.

15. I bet he would be pretty funny to see when he was drunk--since he has no tolerance as he is (for the most part) a non-drinker. I would like to see how much he nods when he's drunk.

16. He's probably pretty fun to listen to music with...oh wait, I have seen him when songs he likes play in the bar. He's funny, he dances around trying to make the ladies in the kitchen with him laugh. So that one should be on the other part of the list.

17. I bet he has a blog about a drunk girl who loves him. How funny would that be?

Things I'm going to attempt to find out before my birthday party on March 19th...perhaps I may find the stuff out by the 20th since I want him to come to the party too.

18. His last name (I never I feel funny, but I want to know my future last name--ha ha). No really I want to know his last name. Actually, I want to know his middle name too.

19. I want to know about his family members. How many? Does he get along with them, etc.

20. I want to know if he'll ever go back to automechanic school. He said he ran out of money and that's why he doesn't go there anymore. Does that mean that it's a dream deferred, or does he like his job at thitwbar.

21. What he looked like in high school. I have access to high school yearbooks (particularly his high school) and I will be using that access to my advantage.

22. Everything else that he'll possibly tell me. Instead of pursuing him, I'm going to attempt to get to know him better. Of course, since I can only go to the bar once a week...I will have to ease the info out of him very quickly. Perhaps I will just have to stick to my three nights a week tour of duty. Perhaps. We'll have to just wait and see huh?

I love the Office Max's Rubberband Man so much! When I heard that he hadn't died in the Tsunami (as was feared) I breathed a sigh of relief. I WILL be seeing him grooving on the TV handing out office supplies again really soon!
Another great Melina pic

One of the best cards I've ever received! So true.
Another great Melina pic
Friday Night In Three Hours
Yesterday Cr came over around four and as I moaned on my couch about needing sleep she bopped around the house telling me to get up because she was going to cut my hair. Did I ever mention that she's a hair stylist? Well she is. And typically you wouldn't be able to tell that my closest friend was a hair stylist because I keep my dark hair fairly long and straight with a few layers around my face. Apparently this was no longer going to be. Within fifteen minutes my hair was transformed, Cr had chopped (actually razored) about five inches off my precious length, and although I wanted to cry --when I looked into the mirror I had to admit that it looked pretty fabulous and with that...we headed out to start our evening. Did I mention that it was about 5:45?

Yeah. Cr has to work on Saturdays so if we were going to out and get a little wild we were going to have to do it early. So be it. We started our evening with a little chinese buffet and then we went to thitwbar at around 6:30. Hmm, don't know if I've ever been there that early. We were going to turn into pumpkins at nine so we set down to business right away.

Drk of course is the first person I see, looking as cute as ever in a striped polo shirt and his cute dictator hat. He was pretty busy last night so we didn't really chat much. In fact, I think we only said hi and bye. Sad Melina. Oh well, the night wasn't really about Drk anyways. There really wasn't too much excitement of the night. Cr and I got drunk. Nine rolled around and we made an extention to 9:30. Cr had to call W to let him know and he wasn't the happiest. In fact, I think he told her that he wasn't the happiest that we were such barflies. He's not that big into bars. Nine thirty rolled around and we decided to extend it until we finished our beer. While we were doing all of this, the guy next to me mouths to me, "Save me." There was an older woman hitting on him. He grabs my wrist and says, "Oh my god didn't we go to the same high school?"
"You went to the crazy hippie school too?" not exactly playing his game.
"Uh yeah...don't you remember me? It's so good to see you."
Then I decided to throw the guy a bone and I played along. Within a few minutes Cheryl or Carol finally left him alone.
"Can I buy you a drink?"
"No sorry, my friend and I have to leave soon. Her boyfriend isn't going to be too pleased with us, as it is."
"Oh and where's your boyfriend?" (what a smoothy he is)
(In my head: Drk, I can see you out of the corner of my eye, are you watching this? A good looking guy is hitting on, and all I want is you!!)
My eyes go straight to Drk as I answer, "I don't have a boyfriend."
"Do you live around here?"
"Yeah, I live about two blocks from here."
"Well why don't you stay? I'll take you home later."
(Now the old Melina would've agreed, and she probably would've ended up in bed with my new-found friend)
"No, I'm probably drunk enough."
(Wow, who is this woman?...and did I just hear Drk snicker?...shut up buddy, just because I love you doesn't mean you won't get a kick in the teeth!)
The new found friend whose name I can't remember tried a couple more times but I really thought it was a good idea to go home. You see, I keep joking about gaining weight from my love/devotional trips to the bar--but I did notice that my face is filling out a little. It may be paranoia but it's time to up the exercise and maybe cut down the devotional trips to the bar a bit. In fact-- that leads me to the next thing.
Cr drops me off at 10.
At 10:20 she calls me to tell me that as she was pulling up to her apartment she saw W and his friend driving past them and that when she called him she found out that they were going out to a bar. Uhh ohh, sorry W. I don't think he liked waiting. Have you ever witnessed drunk people talking on the phone together? We rambled into the night about random, random subjects and then she tells me this:
"You know one night in December I had to go outside and get _______(something I don't remember what she said) and I ran into Drk throwing out the trash."
(Wow, good story)
"Well I think I asked him why he wouldn't love you especially after he went to your house that one night and called you three times..." (I have to say that my friends are as embarassing to me with their questions as I am embarassing to myself)
"Well he said that that was just a mistake and that he was drunk, and the reason why it was a mistake was because he doesn't date customers."
(since when does Drk drink? He's only been drunk once since I've known him...hmm. This totally sucks, but now I've found his kyptonite--I'm totally going to start slipping him alcohol in his sodas and take advantage of him).

Ok first she cuts off all my hair, then she cuts out my heart. (But I guess it's ok--because my hair looks good).

(silence on my part)
"Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm ok"
"Are you sad?"
"But that was back in December. I mean think about it, since then he's driven you home,gave you his hat, cut the crusts off your bread and he talks to you all the time. Maybe things have changed since then."
"Yeah maybe." (In my head: "Drk, I still think you love me based on the above facts and like a crazed woman I will focus on this only.")
She tried to cheer me up for a couple more minutes and then we got off the phone. I wallowed in my sadness (and in my lonely drunkeness at 11...) of "being a mistake" even though nothing happened and was counseled by a friend over AIM.
That's when I came up with the idea of not going to thitwbar for a month, and then returning as a non-customer. This would give me the opportunity to find out if that was Drk's way of giving me an easy let down without angering the "customer" or if he really doesn't date customers--which could be the case because he hasn't dated anyone at all since I started my quest. When I woke up this morning, I realized the folly of this month experiment, I think it'll be kind of hard to stay out of there for a month so I'm thinking that perhaps I will only go in there once a week.

Tonight will not be fun. I think Cr is staying in with W (since I had her since Weds). Chelle is in Lancaster hanging out with the Amish (not really, she's visiting friends), I haven't talked with Ryan in a while,Ml is doing some family thing in some far away town, Tash and her husband live kind of far away right I think I'll be staying in with the dogs and some movies. Read this horoscope:

The heavens are on your side, urging you to stay in. No one says you have to stay in alone, however. Call up your cutest companion. Work your magic.

Wish I had Drk's phone number (threw it out so that I wouldn't send anymore stupid text messages) and a backbone.
Friday, February 18, 2005
Business Cards
Chris the bartender told me last night that I should ask to see Drk's business card last night. I thought he was kidding, but I was wrong. Drk claims that he has a friend who works at Kinkos and they made them one night when they were bored. Of course it has all the vital info including his occupation which was (of course) Pirate. He's too cute.
Bread Crust Brought Us Closer
So we get to the bar around 8 because Cr and I wanted to eat (because like all dive bars, they have the best food ever!) and Chelle was meeting us there. I order a turkey club because I always order a turkey club and Cr has her usual chicken fingers. Drk comes out to talk with me because he doesn't like to talk with me when I'm drunk and incoherent (I don't know why not...) and we have this fabulous conversation. Suddenly I realize that he's been talking to me for like twenty minutes and he's not cooking my food.
"Um so yeah you're a cook right?"
"You know I am...your point?"
"My point is, I'm freakin' starving! Why aren't you cooking my food?"
"Did you order a turkey club?"
"I put your bread in the toaster."
"Thanks for small favors."
"Don't mention it."
"I was going to ask if you guys would cut off my crusts because I hate them and they cut the sides of my mouth but I figured you'd get pissed off."
"Damn right I would. I'd be throwing things around back there and asking which asshole ordered a sandwich without their crusts. Then I'd curse up a storm. When they tell me it's you then I might not curse, but you're still getting crusts."
I shrug. "That's why I didn't order it that way. Geez you're a shitty cook, you won't make what your customers want."
"Melina it's a fucking bar, it's not your mom's house."
"Wish it was." (notice that I am like a five year old) "Ok, if I was on death row and I had to have my last meal. I would so get a turkey club from here. Would you cut the crusts off then?"
Smirking, "No. I'd make your damn convicted ass a sandwich and I put a note in there that would say, "Ha, eat your crusts!"
"You're a jerkface."
"Harsh words M."
Shrugging, "Yeah well, the occasion merits it."

Finally he goes back into the kitchen (where he belongs...where I don't want him to be, I want him to talk with me all night) and stops the girl who's about to bring out our food...and he carefully cut off all my crusts. I used to think I loved him, now I know I do. I gave him a huge smile and a thumbs up since he was stuck back in the kitchen for a stretch, he thumbed up back. We both were harassed for the rest of the evening about my "tea sandwich" as Chris, the bartender called it. Drk's totally my hero. And for the rest of the evening Chelle, Cr and I discussed the implications of the cutting of the crust. Cr even went as far to tell her boyfriend W about it when she called to check in with him. She puts me on the phone with him and W says, "He totally wants to either jump you or walk down the aisle with you." My thoughts exactly.
Thursday, February 17, 2005

So it arrived today but as of right now, I'm totally chickening out on wearing to Drk's bar. What if he doesn't get the funny ha ha aspect of it and he gets weirded out by it? I'll sleep in in it tonight and see what he thinks about it in the morning (ha ha ha).
Another great Melina pic
Uhh ohh...Did He Have Them Since High School?
So I'm cleaning up my downstairs from the night before (for some reason Matty likes to have sex on my futon in the finished basement first...I guess that's the foreplay? because then we go upstairs to my bed...very odd) So anyways the point of this tale--I pick up a condom wrapper, which I have now found four lying about the house (go us!). So I pick up the wrapper and I notice that the expiration date is 2/2002. Ummm hi Matty, use condoms much? Obviously not. Unless with those who insist I guess? And then they are three years old...meh. Next time, I'm supplying (if there is a next time).

Oh, got another horoscope...You're a magnet. A veritable magnet for the attention of interesting, attractive others -- and that's not all. You can't turn it off -- but then, why would you want to? All I gots to say (that was intentional bad grammar) is Drk better watch his sweet ass because if I'm a magnet then he's steel (ha ha, who sings that? It's on the Boogie Nights soundtrack but I can't find my copy, as I am singing it horribly out of tune right now!)
Heck Yes I Love My Horoscope!!!
You should expect some big changes in your love life. To be more precise, your sex life may be the cause of some major transformations in YOU! You have a newfound sense of your body and you feel great about it. You feel more grounded, and less with your head in the clouds. You are ready for all the strong emotions that life has to offer.

I'm printing a copy of this for Drk and asking him if he could help me out with these changes. I think that's classy? Dare me?
Going To THITWbar is Hazardous To My Health
So last night Cr called me around nine to go to the bar. I wasn't expecting to stay out late because she had just gotten off work at 8:30 and typically she goes home straight to her boyfriend W. However, I was pleasantly surprised when she turned to me at the bar and said, "I'm in a drinking mood!" So we drank up.

Of course the first person I saw was Drk, and of course, he makes me clam up and blush like I'm twelve because I'm so rediculous around him. I know that he notices that. I also noticed him staring at my boobs trying to read what my shirt said but the word 'sex' caught his eye. Hmm, an added bonus of shirt with words on it (when it's Drk, not other slimy men of the bar)...stare away little man, stare away.

So Cr and I started to discuss our upcoming birthday party (March 19th, if anyone wants to come). It's a combination birthday party/St patty's day party and it's going to be so sweet! We were working on our list (I was going to write it out on a coaster but Cr told me to grab an order bill instead) when Matty came over to join us. Sometimes it amazes me how incredibly hot he is! So there I am staring at him like I'm brain dead or something when I realize that he's wasted AND he's hitting on Cr! Now Cr has a boyfriend so she's being polite but she's definitely not interested (ok, she would've been interested had she not had a good man at home...and probably not to step on my toes either, not that I care about him. I just won't share Drk). I watch a little more and he's kind of hitting on us both. Weird. I should've just been done with him then and there but for some unknown reason I flirt back. Is it the competition element? Maybe, I've been known to get the claws out. But moving this story along...

Cr goes to the bathroom and while she's gone he leans over and says, "That was a real nice text message you sent me on Saturday."
"Yeah? You like that?" (ummm yeah I sent a very cryptic message that said, "Let's fuck...sometimes I'm so subtle. Didn't I used to make fun of M for text messages like that? Hmm, very interesting)
"Yeah, you want to tonight?"
I shrugged and said, "Sure"
And that ladies and gents is how Matty swept me off my feet. I guess that's all it took.
So with that plan in place Cr decided to exit the building. Chelle's lovestruck skinhead came over to me and was asking me about her. I felt pretty bad for him. He had come out after getting his wisdom teeth out for the express purpose of running into her. He even told me that he had called her earlier in the evening, but that she hadn't called him back. His eyes were sad and puppydog like when he asked, "So, has she said anything about me?" Ok let me kick the puppy, greaaaat.
"Well B called her on Satur..." I started to trail off.
"That's it, I'm not going to step on his toes. Oh gosh (yeah he said gosh) I'm embarassed. Well that settles it, I'm not going to mention it to B and I'm not going to call her again."
Well that statement made it easy for me, I just patted his big beefy arm and said, "You'll find yourself a hottie, don't even worry about it." He continued to express his woe over women for a few more minutes until Matty whispered things that he was going to do to my body and then I couldn't pay attention to A anymore and I jumped off my barstool. Well almost, we both ran into people that wanted to talk to us and then finally, we got to leave. But as I'm walking toward the door (where Drk is restocking the beer case) A, grabs my shoulder and questions loudly, "Are you going home with Matty?"
(uhh yeah? What's it to you, bucko? Thanks for your concern mom)
Looking directly at Drk I exclaim loudly, "NO! He's just giving me a ride home," as I run toward the door that Matty's holding for me (hopefully that sounded believable). As I exited into the night, I swear I heard Drk say, "M I can..." (damn it! too little too late Drk. next time? Or was that just my ever hopeful imagination)

So Matty and I go back to my house and I reach the goal of the evening, but I have to say it wasn't like the other times. The other times it was like we were both really into each other. I would never date Matty and I don't think Matty dates period, but still there was a mutual thing there. This time, it felt a little impersonal. I felt detached, and he seemed a little detached too. I won't say it wasn't good, because it was but, something was definitely off. I know that I'm not imagining it either because he went home afterwards. Ouch. (Actually it was kind of nice to just sprawl out rather than share my bed, but still ouch. That's the kind of stunt that Matty is known for, but he never pulled it on me.) So I'm thinking that was our last time together. I don't know if he'll want to come over anymore but I think we both kind of signaled the end...of whatever it was.
Hmm, kind of sad. Kind of not. Wow, I'm really eliminating men out of my life (or perhaps in this case, possibly being eliminated, in which case I want to beat him to the punch...uhh yeah, thinking too much here),
Tonight's shirt? This Stalker Loves You. Wonder what Drk will say/thinkhe stares at my boobs this time?