Last night my girlfriends came over. Chelle was here at about five and I did some grilling and we did some drinking. The rest of the girls trickled in until everyone was here by 9pm. I realize that I rarely talk about how great my friends are in glowing terms as incandescent as those that I use when referring to Drk. That's pretty shitty of me...because...well...they actually care about me.

I had a great time with them though. Each lady brings something different to the table. First there's Chelle. Typically Chelle does not expose her feelings and I completely understand why. It's hard being single and out there. Some people can have flings, one nights stands, friends with benefits set up etc and have absolutely no attachment and no hard feelings when they end. Chelle tends to push them away before they get too close. We had a great discussion about her co-worker and I can see in her face, and in her overall demeanor that she's open,receptive even, to the idea that she and Mr. Co-worker might actually be able to hit it off!

Then came Missy. Missy is probably the most loveable of the group. She's our virgin who is not a virgin. she hasn't had much luck with men in a long time and you can just tell she's looking for a guy that she can just love and take care of. She's so sweet that you have to keep checking yourself to make sure that she's not just playing with you...I mean no one could be that sweet right? But she is and somehow she's got just enough spunk that it's not sickeningly sweet. Ok, I didn't do her justice...but consider this...she brought me brownies...my thighs should hate her right? But they don't, they adore her.

Then Jackie. Jackie is the married one of the bunch. She's the ultimate mix of Martha Stewart and some drunk old man. She walks in the door and exclaims, "We're going to clean your house on Thursday! This is atrocious! And then comes out on the deck and screams, "What's up bitches!! Aaaaiiiiiiii (like a Native war cry). She bitches about my house being messy (and yes, it could give a frat house a run for it's money at times) but 3/4 of the stuff in my living room is her crap that she's left behind here in the past three weeks! At least I'm getting her to clean for me...and that's a step in the right direction.

Ml couldn't make it as she was sick so our final friend of the night was Jul. Jul, is funny because she's sarcastic but then she kind of tones it down because she's not sure if "she's overstepped her bounds". She cracks me up because when she gets drunk she worries that she "doesn't fit in the group", meanwhile we are all fit together so well. Another interesting fact about Jul is that she must be super sensitive over her boyfriend. She says all the time, "Well I know he's not that good looking..." and then trails off...like he's some ogre or something. Meanwhile he's not ugly at all (sure he's not a model, but eh, who is?) and he does everything for her! He made her potluck meal last week for example. Geesh, he's the next Mother Theresa in my eyes!

So we sat down to watch The Real World and man, we weren't disappointed. Already, the hot chick Melinda (so close to my own name...) is breaking up with her boyfriend stating, "I've grown so much while I've been here." and "I've had my eyes opened..." all euphemisms for, I want to bang the holy hell out of the hot roommate Danny (oh and he is yummy!). And we all had a wonderful chuckle when the young'uns complained that their work time of 9:30am was EARLY...ha ha ha ha... I think I pissed my pants when they said that. (I get up at 5:30 and even that's not even as early as some...hell, I got Matty up for work at 4am ick!). I love the Real World and here's why--that is the idyllic life right there. I would love to go there and have very little responsibility, bitch about said responsibility, get in the hot tub of love and let hot male cast members 1,2 and 3 rub the stress of our "hard" work day out of my body just in time for a night of carousing on the town...which by the way, I will never open my purse to pay for the drinks because MTV knows that the only way to get good salacious tv is to get the kids drunk. And so far, the kids are pretty darn drunk! It's so much fun to have the girls over to mock, admire and emulate (as far as the drinking...we have so far steered clear of my non-existent hot tub) their behavior. Can't wait until next week!!

Oh you thought I meant Drk didn't you? Oh, well I do...as a friend (tee hee--that's for THL)...but I love Julian McMahon from Nip/Tuck. I want to lick him.

I don't know if it's because he's Australian, or if it's because he's smoking hot, or he bangs women on his desk at work (or at least he plays a man who bangs women on his desk at work on TV). I want him to talk to me in his fake American accent and do whatever he wants to me.

Uhh...sorry, I'm a little tipsy and I just saw Jules (as he told me I could call him) on the Letterman show. Oh is he hot.

It most probably will be me who goes to Hell and you know what? As an atheist it will be very interesting to see how I can hang out in a place that doesn't exist to me...aside from me on the highway to Hell is the man at the grocery store who dressed his 89 year old (at the very least) father in a t-shirt that said, "Sleep Cheap" and on the back "I Go Deep".

Alright I laughed directly at the old man's back. I thought the "Sleep Cheap" part was funny but he had me at "I Go Deep". His son (caretaker? whoever), just grinned as they shuffled over to the water ice. Who knows, the shirt looks very worn out...perhaps the old guy loved that shirt and it brought him memories when he was getting tail!!!

Well unfortunately, Drk did not accept my invitation to the dog pool. I don't know if he was busy, don't know if he checked his myspace comments, don't know if he came home late from work, don't know if he's still sleeping, don't know if the dog pool wasn't his cup o' tea, or if it was just hanging out with me that seemed unappealing. But you know what? It doesn't matter. It felt good to extend the invitation with no expectations other than to hang out with him...and to let him hang out with my dog. I know that makes him happy. Of course let's not airbrush the celulite of sadness away from the fact that I didn't get to hang out with him, but I accomplished at least half of what I attempted. I'm working towards hanging out with him sober before he leaves. At the very least then I have a good reason and a place to stay to see Colorado, a place I've always wanted to go to. I dream of real mountains sometimes and not the foothills I get to see.

So the plan continues. I figure if something that we have mutual interest in comes up, I will again extend the invitation. But I won't push the issue. I think the scientologists have abducted me, I'm feeling very zen. Oh wait, I guess I should be jumping on the couch screaming, "Yeah! I'm in love!" But I'm not, so I guess that's why I'm still seated.

And now to discuss the dog pool.

It was definitely bizarre and I'm thinking it was cruel torture for my dingo. It didn't look like the pup wanted to go swimming but the owner/trainer kept throwing the poor dog into the water. I wonder if this is what it's like when you take a baby to Gymboree? Well I can say my dog can swim, but I'm not entirely sure my dog enjoys swimming. I think I will take old pup back one more time and see...we won't go near the Bela Coroli of dogs though--that lady was of the old school "You'll do it, and you'll like it method". My poor baby! Now my car and house reek (I find it appealing but I'm having guests) of wet dog. Oooh la la.

This evening (while he was at work) I sent Drk a message asking him if he wants to go to the dog pool with me and one of the dogs tomorrow. Apparently there's this pool near my house that you can take your dog to so he or she can mingle with the other pooches around the swimming pool. Tres chic, no? Yeah, it sounds a little weird and pretentious but it's better than having my mom freak out on me for ripping the liner of her lousy above ground pool...and it's better than picking leeches off me and the dogs from the local watering hole (bleech, been there, done that!).

I know he loves the dog so I figure it might be fun for him to join us. I'm going either way...but I thought it might be a fun opportunity to chat with him without me being incoherent, half/three quarters or all the way naked or reeking of booze. I mean, I know both Paris and I think it's hot, but some people like to speak with folks and actually have a volley of conversation.

My goodness, I sound so mature, let me rectify that. Ok, I won't wear underwear to the outing just in case (in case he comes and well in case...)

Here are a couple of searches that led people to my little piece of heaven...or whatever this sinful sinful place is...I'll admit, I snorted my milk when I read one of these. Can you guess which one?


1. dear abby" food stamps birthday party ~ I don't know exactly if I would ever ask Abby if it was ok to throw a birthday party based on a food stamp budget. All you're really going to be able to provide your guests with is that generic apple juice...I personally drink gin and juice, but it ain't that juice! Who knows though, it could be the next TLC hit tv show. $20 budget and a half an hour to prepare the best food stamp party ever!!

2. Alabama wurley~ The definition of a whore with a heart of gold. Too bad not all prostitutes look the silver screen hookers. There's a lovely lady of the night around here who lives down by the river (and no, not in a van)...she um, doesn't look quite as cute. And her moniker? Two Bill Jill. You can guess the denomination of those two bills...it's not all about the Benjamins though.

3. how can you say that a woman is empowered? Um...well, how can you not say a woman is empowered? I think I learned (also from Hollywood) that empowered women are BAD and that they will sexually harass you. (poor babies). What was that Demi Moore movie that taught such an important (sic) lesson, where she sexually harassed Michael Douglas and made his life "a living hell" (you know, a hot woman objectifying you...torture. Shut up Drk)?

4.languages used in phone sex. For me it's typically English, heteroglossia (speaking in tongues) and a smattering of onomatopoeia...but that's just me. The person of the other line speaks in guttural tones to me...

5. Paula Abdul song "You take two steps back," A) it scares me that I know the exact post that this came from. B) Paula Abdul scares me. Especially the weird, I'm a forty year old hooker vibe/clothing that she sports on American Idol. C) When I was a teenager my dad scarred me for life when I professed the fear that my thighs were too big (from sports) and he said, "Nonsense, you look great. You have Paula Abdul thighs!" (and he thought this was a good thing...um, didn't she (doesn't she?) have an eating disorder?)

6. she just begged for more. Well I hope you gave it to her...because when someone begs, it's just not nice to hold out on them like that. Think of my (ahem...) her needs.

Ronald Reagan was chosen by "the people" in a poll/tv series that A&E had been running for the past month. Huh? I don't get it... is it that stupid "tear down this wall Mr. Gorbechov!" (sp? I actually looked it up but I can't remember it!)...ok that was one good thing. But um what about the nuclear weapon mass production? the Iran Contra deal? Maybe I just can't remember enough of the "good" stuff because I was pretty little when he was in office...but...

I would've picked Martin Luther King (in fact I voted for him my 3 allotted times this week)
I also selected Rosa Parks (she was picked off in a preliminary round)
I also selected Ben Franklin (he rounded off the top 5)
I also selected George Washington Carver (he was picked off in the prelims as well).
I also selected Walt Whitman and Mark Twain (they both were canned in the prelims...I wouldn't have actually said they were the greatest but I love them both).

Apparently my greatest Americans aren't that popular. It's always a popularity contest isn't it. And wouldn't you know that the president from Hollywood won. Was that mean? Too bad.

Both yesterday and today were so incredibly hot. I attempted both days to lay out but to be honest I felt like I was melting and ran back into the house often to firm up again. During that time I decided to hit "next blog," I haven't really done that in a long time because I was content with the people's pages that I already read and well, I spend enough damn time online! But yesterday to avoid the heat I clicked that button...and...I found that Drk had a blog at one point. It didn't last very long... He had a couple of entries in a span of two months but, I'm feeling badly.

Really badly.

I wish I had never objectified him. I wish I had never pursued him as if he were a glass of water and I had just exited the desert; especially when it was mostly clear that he wasn't all that interested in anything I had to offer (most of the time). And you know why? Reading his couple of entries made me wish I had gotten to know him better as a friend. Because my active and often foolish seduction plan (which was mostly wishful thinking until I was drunk and then it was stream of concious babbling to him!!) I wish that we had been able to hang out on my deck and talk about things...for example, the fact that he decided to write a book?!? Amazing. His final entry made me cry, no more specificially bawl my eyes out. It was such a moving tribute and his descriptions of such an emotional event were so specific yet universal.

And that friends, is how I knew I screwed up by not getting to know this individual on a level beyond barroom banter/attempts as seduction. Oh hey, I know that he's human...I know he enjoys porn, the suicide girls (and who wouldn't really), and he's got vices (such as smoking)...but he's also working on becoming an actualized human being and that's almost hotter than his cute smile.

But now ladies and gentlemen,I'm done (not blogging! You can stop crying now). I'm not going to try to get him into my lair anymore. I want to use my last few months of him in town to work on building a quick friendship, if it's at all possible. Yeah, I didn't think I would ever utter those words either, but it feels like a switch went off.

Do me a favor, if you go looking for his blog (which is completely your choice, don't leave him a comment about this one), especially now. I went back and reread some old posts and I sound absolutely crazy...crazy, as in and 8th grade crush crazy...but for 28 year old, it's probably just plain crazy. So just do me that one favor.

Other than that, nothing too exciting is going on. I'm reading The Ghost Writer, it's pretty cool, it's written a bit like the old English gothic novels. The only problem is that the heat has caused my glue bound book to shed pages as I read them. I keep tucking them back in dutifully but I'm guessing that this book will not be making it over to my mom when I'm done with it.

Tuesday is Real World night with my girlfriends from work. It turns out that there are couple of us that are secret die hard fans of the show. I let it slip that I've watched, rewatched and practically memorized every single episode (doesn't sound like I'm the least bit obsessive in any aspects of my life, huh? he he). So now the plan is that we're going get together on Tuesday nights, munch on some snacks, drink a little booze (I just found out that Jackie and I both have a dangerous love for Gin, so that could be both dangerous and fun) and get some girl talk in before watching a bunch of kids hanging out in a utopia that is so mockably called The Real World. It's my guilty pleasure and I can't wait.

And those four words would be..."I saw Derek naked." I know, I know...I'm juvenile...I swear I have deep thoughts that I commit to page every now and then, just never here. Here, it's just pure smut and smut makes me happy...well that and seeing Derek naked.

Last night Chelle was trying to drink her nervousness away because she had finally committed to sleeping with her co-worker. They chose last night to seal their deal. Being the friend that I am, I took her to thitwbar to get her a little liquored up beforehand. Derek was at the bar and when I saw him I blushed a little and then I leaned over and said to Chelle, "I saw Derek naked and I liked it. A lot." To that we did a little mini toast. And then it continued...because my maturity level is stuck about around 15 years old...so I continuously said things like, "Derek has a big penis" and then we would do a toast, and "I love Derek, in the I want to sex you up kind of way" and "I want to bang Derek like a screen door". There were lots of toasts and lots of ridiculous statements from me about him for a good two hours...and that friends, is how I got drunk. And I'm fairly sure that most of the bar heard me expound on the virtures of Derek's naked body. What can I say, I liked it a lot.

Chelle dropped me off and proceeded to her sex rendezvous and then I got a call from Ry...it turned out that he, Tash and an assortment of folks were going to thitwbar...so he picked me up and I was right back where I started. We had a couple of shots and I filled Tash in the "I saw Derek naked" litany and then the most embarassing thing happened. Tash said something about Derek and I turned around and looked directly at him and he caught me. Now obviously, that's not so embarassing considering my typical bufoonery when dealing with him...no my embarassment came when I walked past him and he said, "Still talking about me I see" and I just nodded sheepishly and walked out the door.

I continued to make an ass of myself by emailing him on his myspace account with something a little like this:
Now that we've seen each other naked um, do you want to be my friend here on myspace? And uh sorry if I left you with a bad image burned in your retina...but hey we can't all be perfect except for supermodels and the non skanky porn stars.

Ok a nice dose of self-deprecation tied in with desperation to "be his myspace friend" Yup, that about does it for me for one night...someone should put a breathalizer on my keyboard now. First it was my cell phone, now it's the computer. Well I'll only be able to harass him for a couple more months until he leaves me and the Cornfield for good, so I guess I should live it up now.

Well, after dinner with Ml I learned that no, I did not win strip poker...and in fact, I was (at one point) completely naked...and then I refused to put my clothes back on. As Ml put it, " I had a dick to the left of me, a dick to the right of me and your tits staring right at me." So I guess after some coaxing I put my clothes back on. I understand my reluctance though, I mean HELLO! I had Derek on my couch mostly naked (just boxers) and I was naked. C'mon, I had been waiting for this since November. November people!! I've never experienced such a reluctant man in my life...and yeah, I should've given up on him...but damn!

Seeing him tonight (i was at thitwbar for a little...and I'll be going back in a half an hour), made me hot. He came over and we had a little banter and I thought to myself, I just love this guy. And I do. I don't often do the emotion thing...I did it for Matty (just too late) and I have such feelings for Derek (granted I'm three sheets to the wind right now). I want to rip his clothes off again, except this time without the rouse of a cardgame...and perhaps with much less alcohol in my system. However, with seeing him memories (embarassing ones) came flooding back ( I am officially an asshat, bow down before the queen of the asshats). here are some examples of my asshatedness:

"Drk I love your gauges (in you ears) will you be making them larger? You have such hot ears I don't think you should."

"Drk, I thought you'd be hairier but you're not and I think you're beautiful...either way."

"Drk, stop looking at my boobs...I read on your webpage that you're part of the "small boob lovers club" mine are C's...they're too big for you. I'm sorry about my genetics. Really I am." (cupping my naked chest) "Although, I think they are quite nice...and really, you're not going to find another set of C's quite this perky."

"Drk, I don't want you to go to leave the Cornfield...I love looking at you...how am I going to look at you when you're away? Hey, I'm a stalker (of you only) at heart but this will be ridiculous!!"

And my favorite part of the evening? I think he took my underwear home as a souvenir...I can't find them anywhere!!! I knew he was fun, but I never knew this side of him!!! (actually he probably didn't but I can't locate them anywhere).

Be happy for me, it's pathetic I know but I just adore him like no one else. And it's a very one sided adoration of a man I hardly know...but I like everything i do know about him.

It's quite possible that Drk and I had sex. In a cruel twist of fate I don't remember. Ml and I just spoke and she said that he and I were spooning and caressing on the couch. She said (and I quote), "I turned the music down low, I dimmed the lights, I took Art home, I thought for sure you two would've been boning as soon as we went up the stairs."

um yeah, so I don't remember...or have any clue. If we did have sex that's so not fair and I call a redo!!! Although apparently I was holding my alcohol well because Ml was like, "I thought you were fine last night!" Meanwhile I was blackout drunk...I'm not sure if I should be comforted by that or not.

[editor's note 6.25.05: We most likely did not have sex, since I was a zombie and I think he may have been one too...but it's nice to dream don't you think?]

Oh boy. Last night was so much fun I'm squinting out of one eye to type this...actually I can't even wait to tell you the highlight of my evening. So...

My friends came over last night around 6:30-7. We proceeded to get drunk and chow down until about 8:30 and that's when the limo arrived. Our limo driver was a saint, and he should be considering his last name is DeJesus. Seriously though, limo guy would've pulled us all out of a burning building...if only we would ask him to.

Jackie was the highlight of my night. She cracked me up like no other...and when she's drunk she always leans into me and says, "I love you." I think Jacks would have hot lesbian sex with me if it wasn't for me and my aversion to lesbian sex. At around 12 am the shit hit the fan because 120lb Jackie had been drinking like a sailor on leave and it caught up with her in a big way. She became "the puker"...she didn''t puke so much as she spit... I felt for her, however, I was so drunk that I just weaved around while standing.

We got the limo to bring us home...and you would think that we would call it a night right? I mean Jackie's dying in my bed, the majority of my friends are drunk as skunks or quite borderline...but no, ML and I hop back in the limo and say, "Take us to thitwbar." Now there we only had two beers but I think those two beers put me over the edge. It could've been that or the fact that I was smoking Drk's cigarettes and getting dizzy. And now folks, here's the highlight of my night.

We brought Drk and this guy Art home from the bar. Drk was saying continuously, "There's going to be some hot lesbian sex between M and Ml and I will make sure this happens. He did try his darndest but he did not see any hot lesbian sex action. But he did see my boobs. We played strip poker and I think he lost early on because I remember seeing his penis. (for the record it was cute and I would've used it to entertain myself if only given the chance). But somehow, Drk was allowed to have his boxers back...but being drunk it would ludely (and quite often) just grab the elastic waistband and look down his pants. You don't have to say it, I already know...class act all around.

During Strip Poker I think Ml had to get completely naked and I either stopped with my shirt off or I kept winning, I can't even remember. But I can remember this...Drk sitting on the same couch as me, he in his boxers, me without a top or a bra. Torture. I wanted him so bad it was ridiculous. I took every liberty there was to fondle him and I did it...I blamed it on being drunk but seriously? We all know I want on his jock, he knows it too...I think he even made a joke about it.

So I wake up naked on the couch cold and alone this morning. It's such a rude awakening from my lovely evening with Drk. God do I love that boy...even with his milk white skin...we make a nice contrast...him: milk white with tiny nipples and me: tanned a nice swarthy color (including my boobs) and large breasts and nipples. I think I made it a point to press my body against his ( or at the very least brush against him).

This morning I feel like holy hell. I'm squinting at the monitor because it's just too bright. I'm tired and cranky and undersexed. I only toss that in because I really thought this would be the night I bang him. All in all though, it was a great night, banging or n0 banging!! And um....hanging with Drk last night made me realize that I'm going to seriously miss him and would probably go into indentured servitude for him. I ladore him.

Hair-check
Makeup-check
cute, cute outfit-check
chastity belt-umm do I have to wear it? yeah, I do- check

Tonight I'm going out with my girlfriends from work. My one friend's dad owns a limosine service so we are going to go out and drink with reckless abandon (as I do quite a bit already...but I live a foot from the bar so it works out). Already I'm struggling a bit, I'm feeling a little weak from my hangover and I'm looking a little less than excited to booze it up again--but don't worry, I'm sure I'll get over that quick and in a hurry.

Now, what I need to remember that I cannot behave like the wanton harlot that I am. I mean sure, I can flirt and all but I probably shouldn't bring anyone home since all these lovely ladies are staying over at my house. I'm fairly sure that Martha Stewart has some kind of rule for a hostess about that. So, I'll behave a little I guess. It won't kill me. Plus to be honest, I usually sleep with someone I already know...because we all know from the movies that if the slut brings the handsome man home she's going to die because he's the serial killer who hates women. At least that's my own personal reasoning for sleeping with friends and acquaintances.

I can't wait. We're going to "pre-party" beforehand here at my house of booze and indescretion, so watch out those who live in a thirty mile radius of the Cornfield! I even cleaned for these girls...it doesn't happen often but I feel good about my attempt. Basically, I just stacked everything in little piles around the room and I vacuumed twice...because well, my dogs are hairy ass bastards.

I guess it's time to get my ass in the shower...gotta look all pretty for my girls and then I have to come up with a booty shaking party mix. What's that Itunes? You've already got my credit card and you want me to burn a hole in it by purchasing a boatload of music. You got it!

I have been climbing the walls for sex since Bob was here on Sat/Sun. I'm not saying it has anything to do with him in fact I know it doesn't, but it doesn't stop the fact that I have been in heat ever since. I was the queen of porn for two days, I was the queen of my vibrator, I was queen of my hand, I was just plain unsatisfied (although, I satisfied myself just fine) there really isn't any substitute for the fun involved in sex. I must admit, I like when there's a penis involved in my orgasm.

Last night I talked to Bob over text messages. I thought I was just being nice and telling him that he left his sweatshirt at my house. It proceeded to go something like this:
Bob: I don't own a Notre Dame sweatshirt
Me: Oh, my bad. I guess I thiefed it from the party
Bob: Well then I guess you need to be strip searched because you're a bad girl (Bob, do you write scripts for porn, or just quote them?)
Me: Uh, well...I guess I'll talk to you later...I gotta figure out whose shirt this is
Bob: Alright sweetheart, I'll call you tomorrow!
(this was not what I was going for, I just wanted to give his shirt back... luckily I will be out of town tonight)

Then, after lots of hemming and hawing (and a lot of beer) I text messaged D. I purposely went out of town because I wasn't sure I wanted to do it. I'm not even sure why I was so nervous...but anyways, with a little (ok, a lot) of alcohol in me I knew that I wanted to do it. So after a volley of text messages he finally agreed. He picked me up at thitwbar and we headed back to my house.

We sat outside with the dogs, I gave him a tour of the house and then we headed off to my very messy bedroom. It's always a mess but I cleaned it for Matty since he's a neatness freak. Once he was out of the picture I definitely skipped picking up my clothing. I realized that that room is definitely not setting the mood for anyone. But apparently D and I were able to work around it. He didn't lie, as soon as we shimmied out of our skivvies he went down on me. Exquisite torture isn't definition enough. The man has a gift.

The evening was cut short because D had to go to work this morning so he left me a little after one. I would be lying if I said I hadn't wanted a round two--not that round one hadn't been satisfying. I'm greedy.

And so I sit here...with nothing to do, still climbing the walls for sex. I'm actually wondering if I'm a nympho or not. I'm being serious here. It could be a worse problem I guess but nothing is enough right now. I need more.

I was going through some old journals...um you know, the ones preceeding this fine electronic blog and I found a collection of wonderful quotes. I don't know if I love the quotes as much as the fact that I had enough sense to pen down with the quotes what it meant to me at the time, or where I had found it, who had given it to me, etc. and that makes the quotes even more powerful to me

A few of my favorites (from the journals) are:

"On my hill, I wait for wind"~ PJ Harvey. The high school that I went to was very small and as a result of it we each received a whole page in the yearbook to design to represent ourselves as seniors. I was a junior when a certain Mr. Dancy put this quote on his page. He was full of creativity and intellect that I felt I would never rival and yet, this quote captured my feelings of waiting for inspiration as well. It was in my writing journal just as it was on his yearbook page.
I felt very alone and alienated in high school going to the type of school that I went to. It was enriching and an enchanting learning environment but it was painful for me socially. I just could not (not ever) fit in. And to remain the outsider for so many years was a punishment I don't wish on anyone. For someone to have looked down with scorn at me such as Mr. Dancy (among the slew of others) to have the same quote as me, secretly filled me with the knowledge that he and I were not quite so different as he proclaimed us to be. (In hindsight we were, since he was a hoity toity bitch of a young man) But this is what I wrote in my notebook.

"Craziness is Heaven"~Jimi Hendrix. I keep this quote with me for different reasons. It really doesn't say anything unless you read into it. Who would ever keep this as a memorable quote except for the fact that Hendrix said it? That's something to keep in mind, specifically for my profession. Often times I say things without a second thought given to it and it immediately is getting translated, embedded in someone's mind as if it were law or perhaps absolute truth. It's a scary thought and perhaps a little overly dramatic in a sense but then again, you've never felt fear until you've been quoted verbatim after a years' time has passed, it can be eerie. Eerie to think of the damage that can be done as well as the good.

I keep the quote for the fact that being a creative person can take a toll on a person and I think I keep it to remember not to self destruct. I have tendencies, habits and inclinations to take everything to a certain level and keep pushing that boundary. I keep this quote because Hendrix didn't get that chance to reflect on himself, his accomplishments or his contributions...because he pushed his boundaries too far. Or if he did, he didn't have the time to reclaim his balance. We've all got our issues, it's whether or not we allow them to change us for the better or for the worst.

"I hate quotations. Tell me what you think" ~Emerson. Tongue in cheek of course because I love quotations. I love the words of others and the wisdom of what they say. Hell, I'm a reader...but it's good to stop and realize that 1) every quote is just a minute fraction of a message one is trying to convey...and part of that message gets lost in it's new fangled pithiness 2) quotes make it too easy for people to forget these longer works and 3) when one relies on the words of others solely, it makes me wonder if he or she is able to think themselves.

And of course, my true favorites are Mae West and Dorothy Parker...women I admire for their frankness, their wit, their sexuality and their unwillingness to be pigeonholed--their "reputations" were forged by themselves rather than thrust upon them by others.

So tell me, what are your favorite quotes and why?

Ok, I will be the first to admit that there's something inherently fucked up with the fact that I can strip naked and allow someone access to my body but then you go and call me? Whoa... I immediately become a stuttering, fidgetting little girl trying to figure out how I can get you off the phone and quick.

Tonight? Tonight Bob called me. Apparently he called me last night too, but I didn't hear the phone (imagine that one). Uh-oh. Bob is quickly failing the game. Now when dealing with a girl who runs like an Olympic sprinter away from needy men, the first thing you want to do is...pretend that fucking her was average, perhaps mediocre...maybe you won't even call her for say, a week. You will call but you will be nonchalant about things. To the point that by not mentioning anything--you make her think that perhaps it was all in her sick twisted head.

By that time, I (and every other sick demented woman like myself) would be panting for you, probably even ripping my clothes off the second your car pulled into my driveway. Because that's what sick girls like...pain and anguish. A true mature woman would relish in the fact that a) her friend finds her attractive and that b) they enjoyed their time with you, and c) (gulp) that want a repeat performance.

Tonight's conversation with Bob was strained. Let's see...we talked about basketball, the semi new baseball stadium, his grandmother, his wallet that he left somewhere (not at my house), my dogs, what I did today, mulch, Canada as a vacation spot, my mom as a gardener and so on. Scintilating stuff no? And so, hmm varied...

Here's what we didn't talk about: him fucking me (sorry but we didn't 'make love' and it was a little bit wilder than your average vanilla sex...so the term must be used), it being good, me unsure if I would do it again for the mean/evil reason of the fact that Bob has an IQ rivaling that of Forest Gump, me knowing that I would do it again because it was that good (and now I know why Jenny hung out with Forest).

Here's what I know for a fact: he wants to do it again, he wants to know how I feel about it, he attempted a probe (pardon the pun) but I shut it down with discussion of the impending heat wave, he wants to schedule some time for this weekend which is why he asked me what I'm doing on Friday and Saturday nights on a Monday.

Here's how the conversation ended: "Well um, I'm going to go walk this dog, ok? But, uh, give me a call later in the week-alright?" Bob replied quietly with, "The phone works both way girl, keep that in mind. You can call me, anytime." And with that I hung up the phone and felt like a bitch for being relieved that I got off the phone.

(PS...if this scenario involved a man that I wanted to discuss a future with...he would've been giving me the same damn run around with baseball field nonsense. Ah gotta love reciprocity.)

My mom came over today to help me get a couple of my flowerbeds into shape. She is great! As we were gardening we had a little conversation that went like this:
Mom: So I called your phone on Saturday about a million times trying to head you off at the pass.
Me: Huh?
Mom: I was going to offer to pick you up from the party so that I wouldn't get a phone call at three am that you walked halfway home and wanted a ride.
Me: [giggling].
Mom: At 12am I tried your phone again...
Me: Yeah I left my phone at home.
Mom: Yeah and that's why [Mom's stud of a bf] said, "She's 28 years old, I'm sure she'll get a ride."
Me: Yeah...he's right. I did.
Mom: That was nice, who gave you a ride home?
Me: Bob.
Mom: Uh-oh
Me: Uh...yeah...uh-oh is right.
Mom: [shakes head] Well at least you got home.
Me: I got home a couple of times Mom.
Mom: Here, plant these...dirty girl! [handing me marigolds and petunias]
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Mom: Do you know that I can count all the men that I've ever slept with on one hand? [smiling, not being mean, condescending or anything]
Me: Um, me too! I just use the same hand over and over again.

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[later on my deck, sunbathing and reading our books]

Missy: So you slept with Bob huh?
Me: Yeah, it definitely wasn't on my agenda...
Missy: I wouldn't say he's bad looking...
Me: At times he reminds me of Lurch from the Addam's Family.
Missy: Jeez...you're only saying that because he's really tall and thin...and wears a wife beater as a shirt.
Me: Huh?
Missy: I just added that last part. Lurch wore a suit right?
Me: yeah.
Missy: So what time did he leave your house?
Me: After 1pm
Missy: Wow, so you can't even chalk this up to drunken shenanigans...
Me: Well I could up to a point...but then I blew it when I went for another round.
Missy: yeah
Me: Well...it could kind of count when I reeked of booze the whole time, right?
Missy: Nope.
Me: Ok, fine then.
Missy: So that makes you [looks up into the air and counts on her fingers], what did Bob say his numbers were again?
Me: I don't recall him telling anyone at the party. He told me before though...can't remember
Missy: I think you're [an obscene number]
Me: Well that makes me a very special and lucky lady...and a very happy woman that I was well stocked with the Trojans!
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[sorry D, I think I said it wasn't getting blogged...and well, not all of it is...just the part that makes me sound like a skanky ass ho. These are in NO way, direct quotes, just my recollection of the convo. However, everything above was word for word.]

D: I read the blog, congrats on your weekend! I'm kind of glad that I didn't try to get a hold of you last night.
Melina: Um thanks, I guess.
D: I could get out of work early today. We could hang out and...
Melina: I can't, my mom and Missy are coming over today. I could bail on my mom but not on Missy (she's travelling a distance to get here).
D: Are you sure? I seriously could get out early...
[M tries a couple of times to dodge the answer to this...but is unsuccessful, and with as much couth as a toothless hooker says...]
Melina: Um...I can't have sex today...too sore.
Melina: I hope that's not too much info.
[D seems undeterred]
D: What about Weds?

Well last night was Ry's 30th birthday party. It blows my mind that a) I have a friend that's 30 and b) Ry's thirty! (he certainly doesn't act like it). The party was a lot of fun. Unlike my typical self, I paced myself. I brought my friend Missy to the party and she didn't know anyone so it was really out of courtesy to her...it was just a bonus for me that I can remember the whole evening.

After Missy left I did start getting down and dirty with the keg...until it kicked. I was proud of myself, it was three am and I wasn't falling down drunk. It was a great night. There were all my friends and it was just a nice feeling to sit back and think, "I actually love these people." I had such a blast with Tash. It's time like these that I know that I can never give up on our friendship because she truly knows me inside and out...and vice versa. Well my love for my friends translated into getting naked with one of them.

I have no idea how it happened. One minute I'm playing darts with Bob and the next minute we were kissing. I seriously don't know how or why. We went back out to the bonfire, at this point people were either sleeping or downstairs in the basement playing cards. I still smell of that campfire, but I guess that's neither here nor there. Bob and I kissed for what seemed like hours and then he asked if I wanted him to drive me home. Obviously I knew what the underlying question here was...and I decided to go with it. Shameless, I know but it's been a while since I've been up to my antics.

Now, Bob's got a lot of hype. All the boys joke around saying Bob is 9 and 3/4 inches and full o' girth. They add the 3/4 inches just because "he's so darn close to 10 that it would be a shame to cut him short". To Bob's credit, he doesn't say anything about it. He's a sweet guy, not the brightest bulb but definitely a genuine person. He doesn't swagger around talking about his penis...and I guess I should be more concerned with my other friends who have nothing else to talk about besides Bob's penis (hmm...) I really wasn't thinking about how genuine he was when he was kissing my shoulder blades and relieving me of my cumbersome clothing. Actually, I wasn't thinking at all, if I had--I probably wouldn't have done it--because well, I don't mind having casual flings but I prefer it not to be with my friends. But whatever, I did it and I have to say, it was amazing. All four times.

I finally got to sleep around 9am, with Bob spooning me and holding me so close that I was so hot and sweaty...or perhaps it was my psychosematic issues of people trying to get too close to me. Whatever it was, whenever I tried to pull myself out of the spoon, he grabbed me and said, 'just enjoy someone holding you for once, ok?" Well, I did as I was told and just drifted off to sleep.

So he just left, and before he left he said, "You are amazing. I always knew you would be, but damn..." and he shook his head. "We fit together well, you and me. What are you doing later?" I shrugged. "Good, I'll give you a call sweetheart." and then he leaned down and gave me a kiss.

Where is this going? I have no idea. I don't think I want it to go anywhere...although, I would sleep with him again.

Oh and the boys weren't lying about his legendary size...it's the stuff porn is made of...almost ridiculously so. Damn, I've got good friends ;) Sorry for the low brow post but I had to just get it out because I'm sitting here with a crazy grin on my face and no one to share it with!

Things that I've done or apply to me are bolded.
Taken from the cheshire cat!
I miss somebody right now.
I don't watch much TV these days.
I love olives oh god yes (I could live on green olives alone)
I own lots of books. (it's a obsession really)
I wear glasses or contact lenses. (since 6th grade)
I love to play video games. Um, except that I don't.
I've tried marijuana. (if by try you mean I used to have a love affair with it?)
I've watched porn movies. (even made one ala Paris, and um lost the camera)
I have been in a threesome.
I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. (just once, I lost my mind for a little there. I thought my love justified me to be crazy)
I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
I curse sometimes. (Shit, how about all the fucking time.)
I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
I have a hobby. (sex is a hobby right?)
I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. [Um, ...?]
I'm TOTALLY smart. Duh. I just do really dumb things
I've never broken someone's bones. (yes I did, giving my friend's sister an "airplane ride and then flipping her with my feet)
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
I love to be on top [goodness, are the other positions? It's my fav]
I hate the rain. [ I love the rain!]
I'm paranoid at times. How'd you know that? Are you watching me?
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. (Abso-fucking-lutely!)
I need money right now.
I love sushi. [Yuck! raw fish is not my bag]
I talk really, really fast.
I have fresh breath in the morning. [Um yeah...maybe after I used Scope?]
I have long hair. [indeed I do]
I have lost money in Las Vegas. [Um no, I scared of the thought of me in the city of sin--no self control!]
I have at least one brother and/or one sister.
I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis. Typically yes I do.
I have a twin (or a triplet, or somesuch). [I had an imaginary one, does that count?]
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past. Halloween?
I couldn't survive without Caller I.D. [I'm too cheap for caller id...how sad is that?)
I like the way that I look. (To an extent. Great face, could stand to lose a few pounds...which will be accomplished by August)
I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.
I know how to cornrow.
I am usually pessimistic. [I call it survival skills]
I have a lot of mood swings. Just call me a mood swinger...
I think prostitution should be legalized.
I think Britney Spears is pretty. [I used to...except her eyes are too far apart]
Slept with a housemate.
I have a hidden talent. [I have tons of non-hidden talents]
I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
I have a lot of friends.
I am currently single. (I wouldn't mind changing this...for the first time in a long time)
I have pecked someone of the same sex. (given that pecked means kissed, and um I fully made out with a girl before)
I enjoy talking on the phone. I hate the telephone and get nervous making calls...God bless text messaging!!
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
I love to shop.
I would rather shop than eat.
I would classify myself as ghetto.
I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal. Or Blog?
I don't hate anyone. I dislike them. [Oh, I hate, baby, I hate.]
I'm a pretty good dancer
I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother. (I love my momma!!)
I have a cell phone.
I believe in God.
I watch MTV on a daily basis. (don't know why since it's just shitty programming but I loooove the Real World)
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months. (try last night on for size)
I love drama. [I've only recently realized this]
I have never been in a real relationship before.
I've rejected someone before.
I currently have a crush/like someone. big huge gigantic sigh.
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. (for once I do!)
I want to have children in the future.(Scary but I could start now if there was the right guy in the picture...I never thought I'd say that!)
I have changed a diaper before. [nope, I've only held one baby in my life!!)
I've called the cops on a friend before. [nope. I have enough run ins with the law myself)
I've been complemented on my sexual abilities [yeah, I've definitely improved with age and practice]
I bite my nails.
I'm not allergic to anything
I have a lot to learn.
I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger. (my boss back in the day. I was 21, he was 33...he taught me quite a bit)
I am shy around the opposite sex. [nope, can't say that I am]
I'm online 24/7, even as an away message. [No, but close.]
I have at least 5 away messages saved.
I have tried alcohol or drugs before.
I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past. [yeah I'm a jerk like that...I try not to be anymore]
I own the South Park movie.
I have avoided assignments at work or school to be blog [yes. my blog has caused me to forget all responsibilities]
When I was a kid I played doctor with a neighbor or chum. [yes and then at the age of 22 my neighbor and I got caught by the cops playing doctor in my car with the very same neighbor]
I enjoy some country music. [Oh fuck no.]
I would die for my best friends.[ I thought I would've but my best friend doesn't talk to me anymore...don't know why]
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza. [Gross!]
I watch soap operas whenever I can
I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist. [um, not at all]
I have used my sexuality to advance my career. [no but I would, if I could advance anywhere]
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all. [I prefer his monkey Bubbles]
I know all the words to Slick Rick's Children's Story. [Who? And what?????]
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy. [That and it's perfectly acceptable to dress like a hooker for the night...good role playing sex!]
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
I have dated a close friend's ex.
I like surveys/memes. [Addicted is more like it!]
I am happy at this moment. [Ha! if by happy you mean miserable then yes...yes I'm fucking ecstatic]
I'm obsessed with guys. [ well not guys so much as penises]
I am bisexual.
Democrat.
Conservative Republican. [I'd rather die]
I am punk rockish.[at heart, not in dress]
I am preppy.
I go for older guys/girls, not younger
I study for tests most of the time.
I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
I can work on a car.
I love my job.
I am comfortable with who I am right now.
I have more than just my ears pierced. [I had my eyebrow pierced for one hot minute and I contempleted getting my nipples done]
I walk barefoot wherever I can. [the soles of my feet are already like leather!!]
I have jumped off a bridge. [everyone else did it, so I just had to right?]
I love sea turtles.
I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.[my second crack habit really!] [
I believe in prophetic dreams.
I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
I am proficient on a musical instrument.
I worked at McDonald's.
I hate office jobs.
I love sci-fi movies. [Love is too strong a word.]
I've never been in love.
I think water rules. I want to be near the ocean right now.
I am going to college out of state.>
I am adopted.
I like sausage.
I am a pyro.
I love the Red Sox.
I have thrown up from crying too much. [when V walked out on me...I sobbed drunkenly on the lawn and then I dry heaved for a while and then puked...it was a great ending to an awful night]
I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved. [absolutely. my best friend totally just up and decided not to hang out with me--ever. I'd say that was pretty intentional]
I love kisses.[I do! and I also love where they lead!]
I fall for the[some of the] worst people [for me...not bad guys really] and have been hurt many times.
I adore bright colors.
I love Dear Abby.[hate the bitch]
I can't live without black eyeliner.
I think school is awesome.
I think pigtails serve a purpose. [Especially when dressed up as a school girl]
I don't know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.
I usually like covers better than originals.
I don't like multi-textured ice cream
I think John Cusack is adorable. Fucking adorable.
I fucking hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.
I watch Food Network way too much.
I love coaching youth sports.
I can pick up things with my toes
I can't whistle.
I can move my tounge in waves, much like a snake's slither.
I have ridden/owned a horse. Ridden.
I still have every journal I've ever written in.
I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue.[mad skills baby!!]
I regularly eschew wearing pants
I have never done a flip.

Well D has promised that he will bring good oral skills to the table...err, the bed, if I should choose to take him up on his indecent proposal. Hmmm.... I like oral like a fat kid likes cake. What am I going to do with myself?

There is a reason why human beings invented the concept of going to work...to torture themselves. I am absolutely loving being a non productive part of society. Now if only I could get my hands on some Food Stamps I'd be totally set! To prove how non-productive I've been I've decided to make a list for you.

1. Woke up at 7 am with a nasty hangover
2. Went on-line and ended up chatting with D for a while and contemplated whether or not I want to sleep with him. (Still haven't decided)
3. Decided to make some mashed potatoes to dull the pain in my skull due to five shots too many.
4.Went back to reading Little Children by Tom Perrotta (author of Joe College and Election), I'm totally loving it...and I've gone through three books in as many days. I quickly phoned an order with my mom since she works at the mall and she went to Borders during her lunch to stock me up. "I'll always love my momma, she's the greatest girl!"
5. Played with the dogs and realized that although they are called Retrievers, I do most of the retrieving.
6. Talked on-line with D some more...he's scared of getting blog time and I've agreed not to post our recent IMs, but basically here's the deal--he wants one last fling before he gets married (next year...only recently engaged) and he wants it specificially with me. Flattering, no? I'm kidding. I'm intrigued by the idea but I don't want to be that girl...I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet. It would only be one night of sex...but it will definitely weigh on my concience. I don't mind being a whore, but I do pride myself for being a whore with a heart of gold...this certainly wouldn't be a shining moment for me. Well if I do do it, I better have multiple orgasms...you hear that D? (he's a lurking reader now).

Last night I went out to dinner with Chelle at the local microbrewery. Every time we leave that place we both feel like we're going to burst. I don't think the portion sizes are huge but I will say that the beer pitchers are. After obtaining a slight buzz and a pit stop to my house we went to thitwbar. Trouble was sitting at the bar. Trouble's name was Todd.

I hadn't seen Todd for about two weeks when we made the attempt for the "final" hookup before his girlfriend moved in with him but we were foiled by S. We just said hey and that was that, for a while. Chelle and I proceeded to tie one on...well at least I did. Ry and TFWLM (the friend who likes me) came out as well. Poor Chelle was stuck down talking to TFWLM which really isn't a treat. He's like a crotchety old man at the ripe old age of 27. Seriously, talking to him makes you want to shove nails in your ears so you don't have to hear him anymore!

Ry and I did shots...lots of them. My head still aches from said shots. Todd and his friend (who I later found out is not a friend, but a boyfriend of Todd's girlfriend's friend) came behind me and began playing darts. Hello, exquisite torture how are you?? When his friend went to the bathroom, Todd came over to talk with me. It was mostly small talk and then he drops the bullshit line, "I miss you." And that's when I turned back to the bar and ordered lemon drops for Ry and myself. And I never looked back until I saw his girlfriend arrive to drive Todd's drunk ass home.

For a man who loves flashy things and loves to throw his cash around his girlfriend is surprisingly (and impressively) plain. There's nothing about this woman that would make me look at her twice. I don't feel jealous of her, nor do I feel releaved that I'm more attractive than her--it's not a contest (not exactly). I just feel a desire to know what makes her special. What attracts Todd to her? I've never known him to be anything other than superficial...or maybe he's not, and maybe I only get to see his superficial side? It wasn't worth the time pondering but I did it anyway.

By the time Ry was ready to take me home, I was good and drunk. It was a fun evening but it was a tough night. Chris the bartender was talking about how he didn't think Cr should get married. I inquired as to why and he said because she "hadn't gotten all of her wildness" out of her. I said that I thought she was doing really well and then Chris raised his eyebrow and said, "What about the other night with Derek?" and I'm not sure if Chris is just making assumptions or what but Cr said she was just talking to Derek the other night. Who knows? At this point, who cares?

During the course of the evening I also managed to send a few text messages. The one I could kick myself is the one to Matty. Although saying "I miss you" was the truth, it kills me that I won't get a response. I've decided that my self prescribed sex strike is officially over. J called me last night at 3 am but I was passed out...when he calls again I'm going to invite him over. He may not be right for me but I need to feel something other than regret and twinges of pain from running into my past left and right.

Tonight I went out with Cr for a little to thitwbar (the hole in the wall bar, for you newbies). Of course Drk was working but amazingly, knowing that he's leaving me for Colorado has left me feeling almost empty when I see him. I guess it's my survival skills kicking in because I was completely numb when I saw him. I didn't even smile, it was kind of like this, "Oh...Drk's here..." Obviously, I noted that it was a weird response for me, but I didn't analyze it until now.

Remember back in Dec-April that Wednesdays were an all out sex spree for me and Matty? Yeah me too. My survival skills did not work when I saw him. He looked so sexy across the bar tonight. He has a lazy grin that touches his blue eyes and conveys the message, "I've fucked you six ways to Sunday and you begged for more..." Boy did I, and I would beg again. My pulse quickened and I felt my face flush, even my mouth started to run dry so that I absently licked my lips. This--all because Matty was alone...with two girl friends. Two girl friends that I knew he wasn't having sex with. Was my replacement out of the picture?? Was she? Huh? I was trying to hide my excitement, which I did as I slid my way onto a barstool.

My entire body caught fire when he gave me that wave and grin...the same damn grin I got from him when he made me sandwiches at the Italian deli when I was sixteen. The "I can get your panties off in six seconds flat" smile. And it remains true.

Reality. How crushing.

In walks my replacement. Before, I thought nothing of her. She's very tall. She towers over me, and she's a good five inches taller than Matty. I held my breath. Perhaps they had stopped seeing one another and I could get my man back...the one I pushed away because I felt I was getting too close to him (will someone please give me a penis so that I can be called a dick?? Actually, nix that). She looked lovely tonight. She had a cute hot pink halter top on, it accentuated her deep tan and a nice rack (a must for Matty), a cute jean skirt showed off long lean legs...she did her hair (for once--oops I was catty there). She looked great. Whereas I? I looked like I was done work for the year! Arggh. I had on a striped button down...buttoned dangerously low mind you, jeans and sandals. My face and hair looked fabulous but she definitely had me beat. I acquiece, even if I don't want to.

To top it off, my friend who likes me but I don't like him, bought Cr and myself drinks. I wish I could've refused them because then he took the liberty to talk to (at) me for over an hour. This would be the time that Matty would decide to come over and say hello to Cr (and possibly myself?). The-friend-who-likes-me did not see me when I craned my neck over his shoulder and begged with my eyes to talk with Matty. When he kissed Cr's cheek, I leaned forward hoping to get one too (anything from him at this point) but T-F-W-L-M totally boxed him out. Matty spoke with Cr for about a minute, his eyes met mine and he said his goodbyes (to her), we said nothing to each other. Not for the first time of the evening I wondered how things had gone so wrong. And deep down, I know how.

I stopped calling him. Call it preservation of my heart, call it knowing that something maybe not bettter, but different would come along for one of us...I didn't return his calls. I'll tell you this now, I wish I had called him and risked the chance of heartbreak because the heated glances while he puts his hands on another woman is close enough to heartbreak. Regret stings.

Things have really changed in a matter of two months. My Wednesday dance card was always filled...as well as Mondays and Saturdays...other days were more sporadic. Cr was never discussing wedding plans or invitations at the bar. Chelle was never too busy to make it out (she just purhcased a house and is saving cash). My sandcastle seems to have crumbled and I'm waiting for the inspiration to build something equally magnificient and just as fragile. As Jay said, "I will meet my squishy and I will call him squishy." I just hope he isn't too squishy because I'm vain (yeah, yeah it's shallow...but I can't be all brain can I?)

Ah, a survey that's a little new to me (for once). I stole this from Gigi, one of the most kickass individuals online (and off).

1) What's the most vicious thing you've ever said to someone? This is BAD and it haunts me to this day. My "friend" in second grade got into a fight with our other friend. I was a little wuss and wanted to be friends with the first friend...she asked me to say something terrible to our other friend's sister (are you following this?) and I did. I walked up to the first grader and said, "I'm glad your little brother is dead." I didn't even know what it meant, but as it turned out, her mom had had a late term miscarriage and it was a boy. I felt so bad that I went home and told my dad what I had done and I wanted his help to make it right. After I got a whipping of a lifetime in the basement, he took me over to her house where I apologized to both the girl and her mother. The mother hugged me and whispered in my ear, "You are a good girl. That other girl is a snake." (referring to the one who asked me to do it). It was awful, but I learned not to try and chase after friends by doing whatever they ask--and it wasn't that other girl's fault, I had a brain. I can't even imagine myself doing that and now I hope I can forget it.

2) You HAVE to get a tattoo on your face. What will it be? Hmm, I guess I would get a little shooting star along my cheek bone.

3) Utopia or Dystopia?I'll take utopia Alex for $1000! Actually, I think a Utopia would get boring after a while and also after a while you'd realize that it was just a facade that was slowly chipping away. The easy, languid life sounds good but I don't think there would be any progress as individuals or as a society. Ingenuity has arisen from need. Don't you think?

4) What's your favorite Myth? I love the Norse Myth about Fenrir the wolf. Actually, I love all of the Norse myths...aw heck, I love mythology in general and I'm looking for a Master's program in it. Anyone know any on the East Coast??

5) Rub the lamp, see the genie, get your three wishes. (You can even wish you never got that tattoo, Lord, what were you thinking when you did that.) First, I'd ask for an infinite amount of wishes. Then I'd sit back all smug and wait for the other shoe to drop in a Twilight Zone episode kind of way. You know that when a genie shows up (unless it's Shaq as Shaazam), things never work in your favor.

6) Would you rather see The Future or travel to The Past?The past, although I'd be constantly worried I was going to screw up the present by kissing my great-great-great neanderthal grandfather or something ;)

7) Order or Chaos? Well my bedroom floor (also known as my closet) would say chaos...although I love order, I'm not an order kind of gal...and I lose things when they are put away properly. The rest of my life seems sweeter when in chaos too...hmm, perhaps I'm still too unformed myself to desire order?

8) What's the worst Monster you can think of? The Peanutbutter Monster. It's the name Tash gave to the "thing" that steals one of your shoes when you're hopelessly late and desperately need that one shoe (or cleat before a game). The Peanutbutter Monster reduces you to fear and makes you feel helpless.

9) Do you pray?No. I can't think of a time when I have prayed. Ever.

10) You are given the ability to fold reality in such a way that you can change any one Law of Science, give Darwin a black eye, knock Steven Hawking out of his wheelchair, pinch Newton on the ass - what would you change if you could fold physics and make origami of all the Givens...? Mmm...well...I love power so let me relish in it for a moment. Ok, where was I? Maybe I'll change the Big Bang Theory...maybe the Universe will just continue to expand and never decide to collapse...I think that would be nice. Oh and here Mr. Hawking, let me help you back into your chair buddy.

11) What's the next book you're going to read?I've read three books already in two days, I love not working!!! And now, I'm going to start Tom Perrotta's Little Children. Perrotta wrote Election and Joe College both of which I enjoyed, I only hope this one's as good!

12) What are your last words, Rosebud? "So that's how I go?" (ala Edward Bloom from Big Fish)

13) What would you name your children, male or female? Or the young clones of yourself that you'd raise like your own children?A son: August Thomas (called Augie, after my dad and my dad's alias).A daughter: Vivienne or Victory. I'm also feeling Vaughn as a unisex name.

14) You're not a Werewolf, you're a Were...?Dog--I'd be faithful and loyal wagging my little weredog tail until someone "bad" crosses our path and then I rip said bad person's jugular out.

15) When was the last time you went swimming?Last summer and this Pisces is dying to get her gils wet!

In no particular order...

1. "My cat's in a box but is neither living nor dead, why is that?" Well...because your cat is a stuffed animal???

2.My favorite fast food item is the Crispy Chicken Sandwich at McDonalds. I only allow myself to eat it when I'm sick because I figure my body needs those calories to fight all illnesses.

3. Hmm, the Hillbilly Mom asks what are my strongest and weakest Jeopardy! categories. Well strongest would be Mythology, anything English related, and Before and After, and anything pop culture (as I am obsessed!). I would be sorely lacking in these areas, "Miliary History", "The Bible", "Math", "Opera" and "Ballet"

4. Bry asked which of my five senses would I want to keep if I had to lose one of them...and I say x-ray vision, oh wait...that's not one of the five? Fine, then I would keep sight. I don't think I could live in a world I could see--I'm a 'fraidy cat!

5. Jay asks the daring question, "Who's my object of lust, and have I given up on Drk and Matty?" Well if you've noticed as I have, I haven't been posting that often and I wish it was because there was a certain someone keeping me occupied but in fact...there hasn't been anyone on the radar. I'm very sad to see Drk leave me for Colorado. I have a feeling that he won't be returning to the Cornfield after this excursion. I haven't seen Matty in a long time. I don't know what's going on there...meaning, I don't know if he finally moved out of his parent's apartment thingy that he lived in. I don't know if he got serious with my replacement...or if he's just spending time up at his parent's place at the Poconos riding his four wheeler around like a mad man. All I know is that I look wistfully at his parent's house whenever I pass it, and I always look at who's coming in to thitwbar when the door opens. It's definitely a regret that I screwed it up...but...I tried to reach back out for him...oh well. You screw up, that's what happens. Hopeully this summer, I'm going to head out of the Cornfield a little more and see if I can meet some nice guys...nice in the sense that they are attractive and funny, not in the sense that they are dishrags and I can walk all over them ;)

6. Now Serra asks, "What do you wear to feel desireable (and nothing is not an acceptable answer)?" I have quite a few things. When I'm out in public, the right jeans, my high (and I mean high) Steve Madden shoes and a crisp white button down (that's not fully buttoned) makes me feel sexy...mostly because the lack of items underneath that get up (maybe a thin bra, but that's it!) Now when, for example, when I was trying to make Matty nuts, I have a boatload of cute babydolls and negligees that I absolutely love...the girlier the better...lots of black and pink lace and ribbons! I used to work at Victoria's Secret when I was in college so...I stocked up!!

7. The Hillbilly Mom also asked if I ever broke anything of importance or ruined anything. Well growing up HMom (can I call you that?) I was considered something of a holy terror. Let's see...I helped my friend spraypaint the side of his mom's car when I was four. We cut a hole in the bottom of his baby brother's stroller because "we didn't like him", I oiled my parent's basement because I saw The Wizard of Oz and loved the Tin Man's oil can. It was quite a pleasant surprise to find out that my dad had an oil can very similar...so I oiled the basement walls and floor. These are just a few examples of what kind of attrocities I was responsible for on a daily basis...oh and I broke my friend's little sister's wrist!!

8. Finally, the Big Heavy asks..."Where do you see yourself in five years?" Honestly, I have no idea. Five years ago, I had completely different plans, different career, and I was expected to live in a different state. Then in one day, my whole life changed. Sounds dramatic, but every aspect of my life changed. I'm not upset. I love everything about the life I've made here...the friends, the connections, my dogs, the boys, my house, my job--everything. Seriously, I should be Poly-fucking-anna, with how happy I am. So in five years, I hope to be just as happy when life throws me another curve ball...and I'm sure it will...and I hope I manage it as well.

Today is my last day of work until the end of August yeeeehawwww!! So my friends...it's out with the ladies from work to celebrate the end of tyranny for yet another year. Hopefully, I'll have a tale to tell ya!

I'm comment whoring for 20 questions. I will attempt to answer them. I'm shooting for 20 but will live with 10.

Thank you,
"The Management"

I want to do to you what the wind does to the cherry trees at springtime...

This is the quote that's going up on the wall that my bed rests against. It's better than saying, "I'm a gonna get you naked" although, essentially it's the same thing. I'm picking out all the paint colors that I need and all the home improvements that I want to make this summer on my humble abode.

Today is the day I go to pick out my bridesmaid dress for Cr's wedding, wish me luck. Happily the dresses are black so we can't go wrong--or can we?

Only two more days of work!! Then I can focus more and tell better stories of the odd events that occur daily in my life. Oh and do all that labor that I said I was going to do above.

I'll be updating later on today...it's so hard to blog when there's so much sun for me to soak up...that and I have to get a new cell phone because I drunkenly lost mine on Thursday and now I feel excommunicated from life! I don't even have anyone's number to call them and tell them!

Well I didn't make it on Jeopardy! but it was lots and lots of fun. On another note, I found out that Drk is moving to Colorado...wow, crushed over here. I knew he was moving, but all the way across the country? Well, I guess it's time for a roadtrip. I'll have plenty of posting fun for you tomorrow since I'm going out with the ladies I went to the beach with--yeah, we're going through withdrawl of each other! Until then...

So tomorrow's the big Jeopardy! tryout...I'm excited, I'm not nervous! Well except with what I'm going to wear. I was planning on just jeans and a tee shirt but then I read the invitation again and it says, "Wear what you'd wear on the show." So I watched the show tonight, just to make sure... and sure enough, one guy was wearing a Cosby sweater, we had a guy in a grey suit and a woman in a mu-mu. So, mu-mu it is. Actually no. But I have almost no "dress up" clothes. We may have to make a pit stop at the mall on the way down to the city! And this my friends, is my only worry about tomorrow! I'll know tomorrow if I advance to taping so, we'll see. I'm hoping.

It was so fun I had more to post about it.

1. Our one friend got drunk, closed her eyes and began swaying/dancing/molesting a conveniently placed pole that was in the front of the dance floor. It looked like she was a sleepwalking stripper. Fabulous, I tell you!

2. We found out that another friend of ours was a closet Elaine dancer. She danced exactly like Elaine from Seinfeld...I mean exactly like her. I thought at first she was just doing a funny little parody, but unfortunately for her, she was not. It was ok though, we all laughed with/at her and she was ok with it.

3. Ml has a inhuman response to Margaritas. I literally would turn my head to look at her and one minute she was fine, the next minute she told me that "if I could see the whites around her pupils it means she's crazy!" which she then corrected (because she meant if I could see the whites all around her cornea) by saying, "If I could see the white around her pupils it means she's blind." I think that was the point when my margarita came pouring out of my nose.

4. Nikki attempted to call her boyfriend after a night out at the bars, oh at around 3:30 am, but instead she hit the wrong speed dial button and called her mom instead. When she called she kept saying her boyfriend's name in a very confused voice. Then she came back inside and said, "I think I just called my mom, but at first I was wondering why my mom was at John's house!"

5. When we came back from the bar on Friday night some of us were a little rowdier than others...and proceeded to act like five year olds. Jacki was beating poor Nikki up (which is just rediculous, Jacki weighs about 110 libs tops and is about seven inches shorter than Nikki) on Nikki's bed, just pounding her (for no reason and it wasn't malicious...we were all laughing) when BOOM! Both Nikki and Jacki fell off the bed. For the rest of the trip all we heard about was Nikki's lump on her head.

6. For some reason I decided that I was going to "fork" Nikki. I was an interesting drunk plan. I was going to shove all these forks under Nikki's door and when she woke up drunk in the middle of the night she would step on them. It was a great plan except she opened her door after I shoved three of the under the door! I then proceeded to hand her about 1,003 forks and ran into my room giggling.

7. A strange thing we saw was this trend of people doing yoga on the beach. Randomly I saw people doing the "downward dog" and all kinds of weird contortions. I think the best though was this one couple that were doing yoga, staring trance like into the ocean with their baby carriage in between them...hmmm, and I thought the beach was for volleyball, touch football and people watching.

8. There was this weird phenomenon that had us all concerned about Ml's well being, and that was that men were pulling their shirts over her head...like putting her under it with them. The singer of the cover band did it, and then this random Irish guy did it. Is this the new way to ask a girl for her number??? Just checking.

9. We went for pizza after the bar and then we called for our cab. Nikki was pissed that the cab didn't appear the second that we called for it. In fact, she didn't believe us when we told her annoyed she was until both her boyfriend and our other friend had her recorded on their cell phones cursing up a storm. Apparently her phone was open/unlocked and was calling people indescriminantly--all the while Nikki's bitching. It was great to hear the next morning!

I actually think that there are a lot more stories to be told...so there might even be a third installment of our shenanigans!

I just got back from the Jersey shore and I have to say I had the best time in my life with these girls. I don't think I stopped laughing once, it was rediculous. So let me give you the highlights in a numbered list.
1. My friend told me that the bassist of this well known cover band was giving me the eye. I looked at him with lust in my eyes and he winked at me. I started to feel all weak in the knees. Then Nikki tells me, "Go buy him a beer because he's out...He's drinking Yuengling." So I do, with my drunk, mooney eyes and he says, "Thanks." and then goes back to playing. He gave me another wink later but that was that. The next morning Nik and I were replaying that sad spectacle and neither of us could believe that we a) came up with the idea to "impress" him with a beer and b) that I acted like a 17 year old groupie. I stood dead still as the crowd danced around me staring at him! No wonder he was staring! Too funny.

2. This guy came up to my friend Jacki and tried to start dancing with her. She's married so she danced demurely for a few minutes until Grabby McGrabberson became too touchy. She stopped dancing and moved away from him. He leans over and says, "I think you're the ugliest thing in this place!" (she's gorgeous!) and then he kicks me in the butt...both Jacki and I were too drunk to do anything about it (we're both the people who randomly shout out, "I'll punch you in the face" and "I'll kick you in the teeth!" indescriminately.

3. I was a total (inadvertant) cock block. My friend Ml was talking to two different guys. The first guy had a gravely deep voice...he kind of sounded like he was growling at my friends when he spoke. Nikki and I thought he was pretty toolish so I proceded to mimic his voice, in front of him to Nikki for oh...a half an hour ( I was a major bitch this weekend). Then she was talking to another fellow and I just kept making inappropriate comments to him...until he wanted to beat me, or run away!

4. The one night we came home from the bar, Jacki went upstairs in her drunken state and grabbed this hairdryer that looked like it was made in 1983 and began "clocking" everyone's speed as they walked through the house. I will give it to her, it did look like a police radar gun!

5. We met this guy that we called "Perfect Paul", he was definitely interested in Jacki...but as we know she's married. She kept telling him to come home with us anyway because her friends were single and "that he could hook up with any one of us that he wanted as long as she could watch him have sex". I can't believe Perfect Paul turned that down! Oh and on his way out the door, he said--"By the way...why do you girls keep calling me Paul? My name's Bill!" Obviously we were more than a little drunk when we got introduced.

6. I learned every girl in the room's sexual history and learned that I'm way sluttier than I had previously thought...at least compared to the ladies in the room. I spent most of the time listening and not sharing too much--except I did explain what a snowball was.

7. We watched some of the "worst movies evvvvver made" although I thought one of them was good. No one concurred with me. We saw My Science Project. A little movie made in the late eighties featuring one of these balls from Spencer's gifts that if you put your hand on it it makes the little trail of pink electricity (do you know what I'm talking about?) Well that thing ends up being a thingy that opens up time portals. If you ask me, it was a great movie. Dennis Hopper was in it! Then we watched Blair Witch 2 and I'm not sure if we were all drunk, but it made no sense and it was the single dumbest movie ever.

8. We went to the beach today and I burned my ass off. Damn birth control...making me more photo sensitive, oh but not pregnant, so nevermind...I love you birth control.

9. We all agreed that aside from Perfect Paul, later given the moniker Beautiful Bill and a smattering of a boys, the men were incredibly unappealing. It wasn't just their physical appearance...it was their groping, slapping our asses, grabbing our waists and otherwise attempting to molest us collectively. On top of that, they all looked like Sloth and Chunk from the Goonies. Yeah, I sound evil but it really wasn't far from the truth. To be honest, I didn't bother talking to any guys because I was having so much fun with the girls!

10. The funniest thing that anyone did over the entire weekend was when this guy came up to my friend and said, "Do you notice anything different aboout me?" And then he said, "I bleached my hair!" The funny thing about this question and statement is the fact that we never met the guy before!

11. Jacki said to me, "I was just talking to _______ and she showed me how tan her boobs are. Show me your boobs." So I pulled up my shirt and bra and showed her. "Damn, your boobs are really dark. Oh and when I said that we showed each other our boobs we just pulled our shirts up, not our bras...you have really nice boobs by the way." So then I tried to explain that if we were on Girls Gone Wild and someone said, "Show us your tits!" they wouldn't expect to see boobs in a bra! It was pretty funny though.

There were a ton of other funny stories...including the renaming of our one friend Anal Beads (as her first name!) and then having some guy scream at the pizza parlor at 3 am "Anal Beads! I've got anal beads for you"...and then he whipped out a rosary. I thought my friend Jacki was going to rip his jugular out! As the stories come to mind I'll post more! Oh and it had to have been a great weekend because Ry just called to see if I wanted to go to Nickel Night and I had to turn him down because I was just too tired!

Last night I come home from the bar after hanging out with Cr and Ry. Ry and I made an early night of it, played some darts and then bolted before 12. It was perfect. So what do I do? I come home and hop on the Internet, because apparently I'm a dork like that. Who's online while I'm on you ask? Why that very mysterious man from my college days who wouldn't reveal his identity. Well last night the gloves came off. I guessed correctly and he finally came clean.

As it turns out it wasn't someone creepy at all. It was D. D and I had a couple classes together, we flirted a little with each other at the bars--but we didn't really run in the same circles because I was a sorority snob and he hung out with the hippies. So there was this random night when we met out at the bars, and I did the classy thing and took him home with me.

So anyways, we talked for about an hour and then he said, "Do you want to hang out? Would that be too weird?" and I said no. I was thinking you know, some time in the future. Well he says, "I'll see you in a half hour," and hangs up the phone. Well I thought, I'll just go lay in my bed and if I wake up when he calls I'll hang out with him for a little (and I text messaged him to that effect)...I never woke up. This morning I checked my phone and he attempted to wake me up about 10 times and then he left a message.

This morning I sent him a text apologizing and he sent one in response that "It was probably for the best because who knows what could've happened. Although, it would've been fun...it would've been bad!" You see, D has been seeing someone for the past two years...hmm, and all I was planning on doing was having a beer with the guy and catching up! But I guess when you can say a guy can come over at 12am I guess I should expect that would be what he was thinking...hmm, funny.I kind of wished I could've gotten to see D since it's been such a long time. I think the last time we saw each other we both had significant others. But I have to say that I'm kind of glad that I slept through his calls because then I didn't have to shut down any advances.

So that's my little intrigue to hold y'all over for the weekend.

Cr's hair salon is so crazy. She just called me and said, "You have to get down here. They're grilling food out on the patio, we got a keg of beer, a fully stocked temporary bar and karaoke (sp?). Does anyone else find this strange? Although the draw of free beer sure is tempting...let's hope the stylists aren't indulging (yet). Otherwise everyone will look like they had their hair cut with a flowbee.

On another note, I decided to pack about twenty shirts, three pair of jeans, two different hoodies (one zip up, one pullover) I'm sure MooCow would be proud had he not sold out and left the blogging world. I'm not bitter. Oh and about four different bathing suits, a gazillion bras and pairs of underwear and four pairs of shoes not counting my sneakers that I will be wearing on the trip down. Do you think I packed enough for three days and two nights?? Let's hope.

Well I'm going to the beach from Friday until Sunday with friends from work...so my blogfriends, the tumbleweeds will be a turning around here until then. I'll try and get a decent post up before I go (in between vigorous packing sprees)...but if not, I will catch up with you on Sunday night!

Chelle and I are heading out tonight. Outside of the comfort of the Cornfield to an even quieter little town that is so small you don't even know you passed through townlines or out of them. However, it's a rocking little college town with a fabulous bar that my liver and I frequented with urgency and well--frequentness.

Because it's so nice, we're going to booze it up on the deck. I can't wait. Life's annoyances, Todd, my messy, messy house and all other stresses are going right out the window as I think about my impending trip to the bar. Can't wait.

Well as it is the first of the month I checked the site I check once a month and got my colored pencils, markers, scissors and brightly colored paper out. No...it's not my once a month stalker note to Drk, or to J, or Todd or anyone. It's my best kept secret and I'll share it with you. Every month I check on the Make a Child Smile website and read three sad stories about three different sick but terribly brave little children (some terminal, some not). The goal is to read about them, their family and their interests and then make them Get Well cards so that they get a little smile from people around the world.

I decided to share it with you all after reading a post of Paul's...it's not really on the same track but it made me think about it nonetheless. I hope that you'll start making cards too! (making them is way more fun than buying them!)