Feeling More and More Like an Unpaid Hooker with each conversation...Um, in a good way (ha ha)
My mom came over today to help me get a couple of my flowerbeds into shape. She is great! As we were gardening we had a little conversation that went like this:
Mom: So I called your phone on Saturday about a million times trying to head you off at the pass.
Me: Huh?
Mom: I was going to offer to pick you up from the party so that I wouldn't get a phone call at three am that you walked halfway home and wanted a ride.
Me: [giggling].
Mom: At 12am I tried your phone again...
Me: Yeah I left my phone at home.
Mom: Yeah and that's why [Mom's stud of a bf] said, "She's 28 years old, I'm sure she'll get a ride."
Me: Yeah...he's right. I did.
Mom: That was nice, who gave you a ride home?
Me: Bob.
Mom: Uh-oh
Me: Uh...yeah...uh-oh is right.
Mom: [shakes head] Well at least you got home.
Me: I got home a couple of times Mom.
Mom: Here, plant these...dirty girl! [handing me marigolds and petunias]
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Mom: Do you know that I can count all the men that I've ever slept with on one hand? [smiling, not being mean, condescending or anything]
Me: Um, me too! I just use the same hand over and over again.
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[later on my deck, sunbathing and reading our books]
Missy: So you slept with Bob huh?
Me: Yeah, it definitely wasn't on my agenda...
Missy: I wouldn't say he's bad looking...
Me: At times he reminds me of Lurch from the Addam's Family.
Missy: Jeez...you're only saying that because he's really tall and thin...and wears a wife beater as a shirt.
Me: Huh?
Missy: I just added that last part. Lurch wore a suit right?
Me: yeah.
Missy: So what time did he leave your house?
Me: After 1pm
Missy: Wow, so you can't even chalk this up to drunken shenanigans...
Me: Well I could up to a point...but then I blew it when I went for another round.
Missy: yeah
Me: Well...it could kind of count when I reeked of booze the whole time, right?
Missy: Nope.
Me: Ok, fine then.
Missy: So that makes you [looks up into the air and counts on her fingers], what did Bob say his numbers were again?
Me: I don't recall him telling anyone at the party. He told me before though...can't remember
Missy: I think you're [an obscene number]
Me: Well that makes me a very special and lucky lady...and a very happy woman that I was well stocked with the Trojans!
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[sorry D, I think I said it wasn't getting blogged...and well, not all of it is...just the part that makes me sound like a skanky ass ho. These are in NO way, direct quotes, just my recollection of the convo. However, everything above was word for word.]
D: I read the blog, congrats on your weekend! I'm kind of glad that I didn't try to get a hold of you last night.
Melina: Um thanks, I guess.
D: I could get out of work early today. We could hang out and...
Melina: I can't, my mom and Missy are coming over today. I could bail on my mom but not on Missy (she's travelling a distance to get here).
D: Are you sure? I seriously could get out early...
[M tries a couple of times to dodge the answer to this...but is unsuccessful, and with as much couth as a toothless hooker says...]
Melina: Um...I can't have sex today...too sore.
Melina: I hope that's not too much info.
[D seems undeterred]
D: What about Weds?
Mom: So I called your phone on Saturday about a million times trying to head you off at the pass.
Me: Huh?
Mom: I was going to offer to pick you up from the party so that I wouldn't get a phone call at three am that you walked halfway home and wanted a ride.
Me: [giggling].
Mom: At 12am I tried your phone again...
Me: Yeah I left my phone at home.
Mom: Yeah and that's why [Mom's stud of a bf] said, "She's 28 years old, I'm sure she'll get a ride."
Me: Yeah...he's right. I did.
Mom: That was nice, who gave you a ride home?
Me: Bob.
Mom: Uh-oh
Me: Uh...yeah...uh-oh is right.
Mom: [shakes head] Well at least you got home.
Me: I got home a couple of times Mom.
Mom: Here, plant these...dirty girl! [handing me marigolds and petunias]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mom: Do you know that I can count all the men that I've ever slept with on one hand? [smiling, not being mean, condescending or anything]
Me: Um, me too! I just use the same hand over and over again.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[later on my deck, sunbathing and reading our books]
Missy: So you slept with Bob huh?
Me: Yeah, it definitely wasn't on my agenda...
Missy: I wouldn't say he's bad looking...
Me: At times he reminds me of Lurch from the Addam's Family.
Missy: Jeez...you're only saying that because he's really tall and thin...and wears a wife beater as a shirt.
Me: Huh?
Missy: I just added that last part. Lurch wore a suit right?
Me: yeah.
Missy: So what time did he leave your house?
Me: After 1pm
Missy: Wow, so you can't even chalk this up to drunken shenanigans...
Me: Well I could up to a point...but then I blew it when I went for another round.
Missy: yeah
Me: Well...it could kind of count when I reeked of booze the whole time, right?
Missy: Nope.
Me: Ok, fine then.
Missy: So that makes you [looks up into the air and counts on her fingers], what did Bob say his numbers were again?
Me: I don't recall him telling anyone at the party. He told me before though...can't remember
Missy: I think you're [an obscene number]
Me: Well that makes me a very special and lucky lady...and a very happy woman that I was well stocked with the Trojans!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[sorry D, I think I said it wasn't getting blogged...and well, not all of it is...just the part that makes me sound like a skanky ass ho. These are in NO way, direct quotes, just my recollection of the convo. However, everything above was word for word.]
D: I read the blog, congrats on your weekend! I'm kind of glad that I didn't try to get a hold of you last night.
Melina: Um thanks, I guess.
D: I could get out of work early today. We could hang out and...
Melina: I can't, my mom and Missy are coming over today. I could bail on my mom but not on Missy (she's travelling a distance to get here).
D: Are you sure? I seriously could get out early...
[M tries a couple of times to dodge the answer to this...but is unsuccessful, and with as much couth as a toothless hooker says...]
Melina: Um...I can't have sex today...too sore.
Melina: I hope that's not too much info.
[D seems undeterred]
D: What about Weds?
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