Through his eyes
Tonight I went out with Cr for a little to thitwbar (the hole in the wall bar, for you newbies). Of course Drk was working but amazingly, knowing that he's leaving me for Colorado has left me feeling almost empty when I see him. I guess it's my survival skills kicking in because I was completely numb when I saw him. I didn't even smile, it was kind of like this, "Oh...Drk's here..." Obviously, I noted that it was a weird response for me, but I didn't analyze it until now.
Remember back in Dec-April that Wednesdays were an all out sex spree for me and Matty? Yeah me too. My survival skills did not work when I saw him. He looked so sexy across the bar tonight. He has a lazy grin that touches his blue eyes and conveys the message, "I've fucked you six ways to Sunday and you begged for more..." Boy did I, and I would beg again. My pulse quickened and I felt my face flush, even my mouth started to run dry so that I absently licked my lips. This--all because Matty was alone...with two girl friends. Two girl friends that I knew he wasn't having sex with. Was my replacement out of the picture?? Was she? Huh? I was trying to hide my excitement, which I did as I slid my way onto a barstool.
My entire body caught fire when he gave me that wave and grin...the same damn grin I got from him when he made me sandwiches at the Italian deli when I was sixteen. The "I can get your panties off in six seconds flat" smile. And it remains true.
Reality. How crushing.
In walks my replacement. Before, I thought nothing of her. She's very tall. She towers over me, and she's a good five inches taller than Matty. I held my breath. Perhaps they had stopped seeing one another and I could get my man back...the one I pushed away because I felt I was getting too close to him (will someone please give me a penis so that I can be called a dick?? Actually, nix that). She looked lovely tonight. She had a cute hot pink halter top on, it accentuated her deep tan and a nice rack (a must for Matty), a cute jean skirt showed off long lean legs...she did her hair (for once--oops I was catty there). She looked great. Whereas I? I looked like I was done work for the year! Arggh. I had on a striped button down...buttoned dangerously low mind you, jeans and sandals. My face and hair looked fabulous but she definitely had me beat. I acquiece, even if I don't want to.
To top it off, my friend who likes me but I don't like him, bought Cr and myself drinks. I wish I could've refused them because then he took the liberty to talk to (at) me for over an hour. This would be the time that Matty would decide to come over and say hello to Cr (and possibly myself?). The-friend-who-likes-me did not see me when I craned my neck over his shoulder and begged with my eyes to talk with Matty. When he kissed Cr's cheek, I leaned forward hoping to get one too (anything from him at this point) but T-F-W-L-M totally boxed him out. Matty spoke with Cr for about a minute, his eyes met mine and he said his goodbyes (to her), we said nothing to each other. Not for the first time of the evening I wondered how things had gone so wrong. And deep down, I know how.
I stopped calling him. Call it preservation of my heart, call it knowing that something maybe not bettter, but different would come along for one of us...I didn't return his calls. I'll tell you this now, I wish I had called him and risked the chance of heartbreak because the heated glances while he puts his hands on another woman is close enough to heartbreak. Regret stings.
Things have really changed in a matter of two months. My Wednesday dance card was always filled...as well as Mondays and Saturdays...other days were more sporadic. Cr was never discussing wedding plans or invitations at the bar. Chelle was never too busy to make it out (she just purhcased a house and is saving cash). My sandcastle seems to have crumbled and I'm waiting for the inspiration to build something equally magnificient and just as fragile. As Jay said, "I will meet my squishy and I will call him squishy." I just hope he isn't too squishy because I'm vain (yeah, yeah it's shallow...but I can't be all brain can I?)
Remember back in Dec-April that Wednesdays were an all out sex spree for me and Matty? Yeah me too. My survival skills did not work when I saw him. He looked so sexy across the bar tonight. He has a lazy grin that touches his blue eyes and conveys the message, "I've fucked you six ways to Sunday and you begged for more..." Boy did I, and I would beg again. My pulse quickened and I felt my face flush, even my mouth started to run dry so that I absently licked my lips. This--all because Matty was alone...with two girl friends. Two girl friends that I knew he wasn't having sex with. Was my replacement out of the picture?? Was she? Huh? I was trying to hide my excitement, which I did as I slid my way onto a barstool.
My entire body caught fire when he gave me that wave and grin...the same damn grin I got from him when he made me sandwiches at the Italian deli when I was sixteen. The "I can get your panties off in six seconds flat" smile. And it remains true.
Reality. How crushing.
In walks my replacement. Before, I thought nothing of her. She's very tall. She towers over me, and she's a good five inches taller than Matty. I held my breath. Perhaps they had stopped seeing one another and I could get my man back...the one I pushed away because I felt I was getting too close to him (will someone please give me a penis so that I can be called a dick?? Actually, nix that). She looked lovely tonight. She had a cute hot pink halter top on, it accentuated her deep tan and a nice rack (a must for Matty), a cute jean skirt showed off long lean legs...she did her hair (for once--oops I was catty there). She looked great. Whereas I? I looked like I was done work for the year! Arggh. I had on a striped button down...buttoned dangerously low mind you, jeans and sandals. My face and hair looked fabulous but she definitely had me beat. I acquiece, even if I don't want to.
To top it off, my friend who likes me but I don't like him, bought Cr and myself drinks. I wish I could've refused them because then he took the liberty to talk to (at) me for over an hour. This would be the time that Matty would decide to come over and say hello to Cr (and possibly myself?). The-friend-who-likes-me did not see me when I craned my neck over his shoulder and begged with my eyes to talk with Matty. When he kissed Cr's cheek, I leaned forward hoping to get one too (anything from him at this point) but T-F-W-L-M totally boxed him out. Matty spoke with Cr for about a minute, his eyes met mine and he said his goodbyes (to her), we said nothing to each other. Not for the first time of the evening I wondered how things had gone so wrong. And deep down, I know how.
I stopped calling him. Call it preservation of my heart, call it knowing that something maybe not bettter, but different would come along for one of us...I didn't return his calls. I'll tell you this now, I wish I had called him and risked the chance of heartbreak because the heated glances while he puts his hands on another woman is close enough to heartbreak. Regret stings.
Things have really changed in a matter of two months. My Wednesday dance card was always filled...as well as Mondays and Saturdays...other days were more sporadic. Cr was never discussing wedding plans or invitations at the bar. Chelle was never too busy to make it out (she just purhcased a house and is saving cash). My sandcastle seems to have crumbled and I'm waiting for the inspiration to build something equally magnificient and just as fragile. As Jay said, "I will meet my squishy and I will call him squishy." I just hope he isn't too squishy because I'm vain (yeah, yeah it's shallow...but I can't be all brain can I?)
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