I'm going to the gym for the third day this week...it must be an Easter miracle!

Oh wait...

it's because of Easter break that I need to work out. Seriously, I'm going to start crying if these pants get tighter.

Hi everyone, sorry so silent as of late...just busy. But not too busy to interview Miss Ragtopday for the Great Interview Experiment!!! Here were her responses, you should participate too if you're of the mind to or at the very least start reading Neil's blog, it cracks me up daily when I should be doing my own posting.

1. Describe the biggest challenge of being a single mother of two. (I guess I should put that in the form of a question. "What is the greatest challenge of being a single mother of two?")

For me, the biggest challenge is that I am always "on". Always. I never get a day off, or even an evening. Because I also don't live near family, I have very little support. It's all on me. Just writing this sounds like I'm having a pity party with myself, and yes, sometimes I do feel this way. Especially when married friends complain how hard it is when their spouse is away for a night or a weekend. And I think – you're complaining to ME?? I'm also not good at asking for help, and have the mentality that I must do it all myself, especially since I became a single mother by choice. I actually had someone (a family member) chastise me for feeling stress because I "chose this". Yes, I did – the decision to adopt both my girls was made outside of a relationship. I always planned to do this alone (though I was married for three years when K was little.) So that's the external challenge. I'm going to throw another one in there, which is not specific to single parents, but in parenting two. While I initially thought it would be the day-to-day logistics that would turn my world upside down, the truth is it's the relationship between my girls that causes me the most stress. While they get along fairly well, they also bicker a LOT, and the dynamic between them can be well, interesting. And stressful.

2. What was the best thing about being in the military?

Gosh, where do I mention I was in the military! LOL! That honestly seems like another lifetime ago. I suppose the best thing was being exposed to people from outside my own little world, and the fact that I got to manage people (or try to) at a very young age. (I made a TON of mistakes!) The most fun thing I did was Airborne school where I actually got to parachute out of an airplane (5 times!).

3. You talk about your relationship about your mom as being...well...a little strained. What's (was?) your relationship with your dad like and do you think that has anything to do with the way you and your mother interact?

Boy, this one is a tough one. My parents divorced when I was 9. Up to that point I would have described my dad as my favorite parent. Gee, who wouldn't? Mom was the one who made me get dressed and clean up after myself, while dad took me with him on cool errands (like the barbershop) and was more fun. Gradually over the years though, I grew closer to my mom. When I was in my early 20's I would have described my mother as my best friend. My dad was always there, but our relationship was more intellectual, if that makes sense. He and I had the same taste in books and would discuss those, as well as current events, job issues, etc. He was a mentor and a friend. Unfortunately, he passed away in 1997 of cancer at age 62. He and my mom had no real relationship with each other, aside from being parents to the same kids, and that ceased to be of much importance once I graduated from college.

It wasn't until my step-father died suddenly in 1991 that my relationship with my mother grew strained. I came to realize she had a drinking problem, and probably had for many years. It was hidden from me by the presence of my step-father, I think now because she didn't need me when she had him. Or to put it another way, once he was gone, she needed me desperately. She verbally abused me while drunk and pulled a lot of crap on me for several years. Conveniently these always occurred during blackouts for her, so she never understood why I was upset. While her drinking seems to be a non-factor right now (it's not something we talk about), she has some very insecure personality traits and I can really only take her in very small doses. If she were not my mother, she is not someone I would choose to spend time with. Actually, I choose not to anyway, but because she's my mother, I do. Which I feel guilty about, constantly. And while I strive not to talk about my feelings about her with my girls at all, they have certainly picked up on them anyway. I mean they can tell who is on the phone by the tone I use when I say hello, for crying out loud! So I worry about whether payback will be a bitch when my own kids want nothing to do with me one day.

4. Describe the happiest moment of your life.

Hmmmm….I'm supposed to say adopting one of my kids right? But while amazing, and singularly significant, I can't say the overriding emotion was happy. A happy moment is by definition fleeting, I think. Contentment is what I'm really after. Still working on it.

5. Since you seem to be a great fan of memes, give me your top five favorite songs and what they remind you of.

Aw, the only reason I'm such a big fan of memes is that I'm lazy! It's a fun and usually easy way to post something. I read somewhere that memes are more fun for those doing them, than reading them, and I believe this to be true. So, I would like to apologize for doing so many!

So these aren't really my top 5 favorite songs so much as five songs that have memories associated with them:
• "Turn the Page", by Bob Seger – has high school written all over it
• "New York, New York", by Frank Sinatra – the one is a college song for me – every Friday night the student center held a dance, and this was the finale song every week. My ex and I used it as the final dance at our wedding as well.
• "Hush Little Baby", Carly Simon – this is the version on the Jim Brickman CD my girls listen to as they fall asleep every night; I also sing my own (butchered) version to them every night as well
• "Paradise by the Dashboard Light", Meatloaf – what's not to love?? It's so much fun to sing at the top of your lungs – it's been popular since I was a teenager, and can bring me back.
• "Horse with No Name", by America. The song I danced to with a boy for the very first time.


6. You talk about how much you love your girls and that they were both adopted, what advice would you give to future adoptive parents?


Adoption is a wonderful way to build a family. While many people adopt after infertility, I did not – I never tried to get pregnant. So, first, don't ever think adopting is "second best" just because it comes second (or third or fourth) in the way you try to become parents. There is a difference.

But adopting is not the same as giving birth to biological children. All children come with a history, all children were created by a man and a woman, and in the case of adoption, this means not you. Don't be threatened by the existence of birth parents. If you are lucky enough to be able to have a relationship with them, embrace it. I cannot emphasize this enough. I do not have information on either of my daughters' birth families, but I would do most anything if we could get it. It's that important TO THEM.

Also, talk to adult adoptees, either in person or online. And listen to what they say. Their experience is true for them. They have much to say, and are worth your time to listen to. Before you adopt, after you adopt, forever. If you will be adopting internationally and/or interracially, talk to people from that country or of that race. Racism is alive and well in this country and it does no favor to you or your children to pretend this doesn't exist or that "they're American now". I don't blog about this much, because I read many blogs where adoptive parents, birth parents and adoptees talk about it so much better than I, but it's very real.

7. Another question that stems from your girls. You've mentioned that both are Asian, how are you and them treated by society (I know the one post mentioned that a boy in one of your girl's classes wanted to know "where she was from")...do you feel that there's an initial urge from strangers to dismiss the three of you?

This is a great question, and my answer ties into my answer for the previous question. First, my girls are still young, so when we are out together we are still assumed to be a family unit. I expect this to change as they get older when people may wonder why those teenage Asian girls are walking with that white woman. But quite the contrary, rather than feeling dismissed, I feel like many people are attracted to us. Granted, this is happening less than when K was a baby/toddler (and that's fine with me!), but I think our difference gives people license to approach us and ask us questions. I also get a lot of "they're so beautiful" comments. And while they certainly are, I don't believe people wouldn't comment so much if not for the racial difference between us. While I have mostly experienced only innocent curiosity, many other parents I know have gotten some very rude questions. Mostly, you learn how ignorant people are. I think I blogged about the father of one of K's friends asking if the girls were born knowing how to speak Chinese. I'm sorry – how can anyone ask this with a straight face??? And behind that question is racism, and it's that type of racism that is much scarier than any of the epithets that I expect are out there.

8. If you could have any job in the world what would it be and why?

I'm not sure I can pick just one! I would love to be a writer. I used to think a writer of novels, but maybe movies or TV would be interesting too. I say that because I find the production process fascinating – I've started listening to some audio commentaries on movies/TV shows (on DVD) and I would love to be part of that. The amount of thought that goes into choosing the color of a character's shirt, the song that will be playing on the car radio in a certain scene – all those details amaze me.

I also really like "CSI" and think being a forensic scientist would be really interesting too!

While I have no artistic talent whatsoever, I like the idea of being an artist (but one who makes enough money to live on!).

9. I "think" I've read all of your blog posts and there is very little dating info...are you dating? What are you looking for in a man these days?

Ummm, no, I'm not dating! See answer to first question! In theory I would love to be in a relationship with a man, but honestly, the time and effort required are not something I have any room for right now. I'm hoping that when B starts school (in 2 more years) I'll have more time to think about it. By the time they are in bed at night, all I want to do is crash on the couch for an hour or two before I go to bed. The thought of "going out", or even talking with anyone on the phone, feels like an imposition – isn't that awful? Also the cost of dating (e.g. babysitter, of which I don't even have) pretty much puts it out of reach for me.

With that said, I do have a friend, who lives about 2.5 hours away in another state. We were a couple for about a year back in the mid-90's. We broke up, but stayed in touch. Then he got married and a few years later I got married. Our contact was down to email by that point. Then his wife died suddenly of a brain aneurysm and a year or so later I got divorced. He visits us occasionally (3-4 times a year) and is actually coming to spend my birthday with me in two weeks. However, I have no lingering romantic feelings for him, though I don't think he'd mind if I did. (And believe me, I've tried hard to feel them, but I just don't.)

10. What makes you blog?

I started blogging because I started reading blogs. And I wanted to be part of the community. And also because I wanted an excuse to write, and something to write about. But I'm finding it hard to break into a community – I'm not sure how to get readership. It eludes me why and how some blogs are considered more popular and highly read than others. I read some that have lots of readers, and some with only a handful, and other than the amount of readership, I don't always see a lot of difference! I did pick up a few readers during NaBloPoMo, which was great. In the meantime, I'll keep it up-if nothing else the kid vignettes will be nice memories one day, as well as providing me a journal of sorts.

Here's the little prince (my brother in law's dog) snoozing away on the futon because Frankie wants nothing to do with him.









She prefers the couch and is sleeping one eye open, watching him...


Poor little guy, he tries to get closer and closer to her but this is all she will allow.

I am officially on Spring Break...

it isn't quite like the wet t-shirt contests, jello wrestling and drinking at six am on the beach filled Spring Breaks of the past (maybe my past, maybe not...I'll never tell)...but it feels just as good.

"I'm bored," he says and grabs his guitar. I sip quietly on my Mimosa (going with our dinner themed dinner) and curl my feet under me, settling down in a comfortable spot in the couch. I listen to him play and sing a random selection of songs; often replaying several chords over and over until he has them just right--they sounded right the first time, but I'm not even which song he's on now. The dog runs back and forth between the two of us with a dozen socks in her mouth (why the hell won't she play with anything besides MY socks?? It's been this way for four years and yet I still wonder). She's not sure what to do, she wants to give John her socks to throw, running close to him with them and then trotting away while looking back at him. She seems in awe of him. She's not alone in this. The guitar isn't even his intrument of choice...it's just "something he picked up on his own," he usually says in apologetic way, to somehow explain why he seemlessly moves from one song to another, figuring out chords in his head. I've never quite understood the apologetic undertone to be honest, I think he's pretty amazing.

He should be bored more often.

John and his brother once told me the best story in all the land...I want to tell it to you because I love you ever so much.

When they were very little they went to a private Christian school which was very strict. John's brother went to the bathroom, but the little guy realized that he was too late, the worst had happened---he had pooped in his Spiderman underoos! So like any smart five year old, he took his undies off and he decided to hide them behind the toilet because there were kids milling about the sinks and he didn't want to walk past them to throw the underwear out in the trash. Little man cleaned up as best as he could and then he went back to class, sighing with relief that he had escaped complete and utter embarrassment...

Not exactly.

I'm not sure what this school's motto is, but it seems like it might be "We love to humiliate our students in public" because the offensive underwear were found and instead of just being thrown away, they were placed in a baggie and labelled "Exhibit A". All of the students were called to the auditorium and the teachers explained in horrifying detail what had happened. They raised the baggie of Spidey undies and said, "Does anyone know who these are?" And quickly John raised his hand and yelled, "They're my brother's!" And then total embarrassment ensued. Over the weekend, John and his brother were transferred to public school, imagine that! John claims that the whole school was going to be punished over the infraction while his brother claims that John just surrendered the information with glee. I'm not sure who I believe, but I know which one I married and I'm going to make sure that my dirty laundry is all placed in the proper receptacle. The man's a whistle blower and no one is safe. I call him Deep Throat just so I can see him squirm.

Yesterday I got my period and I cried quietly on the toilet. No, it wasn't an earth shattering bowel movement that brought tears to my eyes nor the desire to take a picture of my scat like John once did to me (true story-it was because his poop looked like a banana...in between gags I told him it looked like a parentheses*). It was because I really thought I might be pregnant this time around because well...my boobs were bigger and sore, I was a hormonal mess and my back hurt. But no, lucky me, these symptoms are the same as those of menstruation. Fuckers.

John came home last night and he was feeling frisky. I can't remember what he actually said to me but all I can remember (or conjure up in my imagination) was him saying that his "penis wanted to talk to me". I doubt he really said that because I would still be laughing now if he did. I gave him the news that it was all tampons, all the time and he did something unexpected, he started to cry (at first I was flattered, he was that upset that we couldn't have sex?!? awww how sweet, and then I realized...) Not sob, just a fear tears silently slipped from his eyes and he told me how he had bragged to people at happy hour how excited he was to be a father and that he thought this time was the lucky time. Of course, like me, John's dramatic and he said with resignation, "That's it," throwing his hands up, "I'm sterile!" and I said shaking my head, "No, no...I have old eggs...it's me babe." And that led us to the scenario which had us laughing as we pictured his sperm limping their way towards my old egg who was sitting on her front porch in a rocker and wearing a blanket over her shoulders in the sweltering heat, shaking her cane and saying, "Stay off my porch! Don't you come up here!" I imagine her to look like this. And somehow that made up story made me laugh and worry a little less. Hopefully the next egg is a little less cranky and his sperm is like Mark Spitz, I especially hope that it has Mark's sweet porn 'stache.

* I could actually post the photo in question because for some reason, I realized just now (at 5:25pm) that the poop pic is still in my phone! I am once again grossed out, but again, making no move to delete the photo.

It's my birthday and I have nothing exciting to say except that it has been the best one in a long time...between John, our families, friends and students I've been pampered.

Oh and I'll be able to torture John with the card the kids bought me that plays "Bad to the Bone", they know as well as me that he hates George Thoroughgood and yet I'll sing all his songs off-key to Johnny whenever the opportunity arises!!

Aside from my new pink digital camera (which is en route), it is the best gift ever!

My husband is OBSESSED with this song! He heard it on the radio and couldn't get it out of his head. So what does he do?? He downloads it as his ringtone, makes me listen to it on YouTube and then figures out how to play it on the guitar. Granted, all of this occurred within the first fifteen minutes of him coming home. According to my mom, I was considered the "Disco Queen" as a toddler to the disdain of her friends (my pigtailed self would squeal with delight with anything Donna Summers and Diana Ross) but I believe John is the true Disco Queen of the family. For serious, this song might be my bete noir:



Is he serious?? Sadly kids, I think he is...the truly tragic part? He's 29, been in numerous punk rock bands, loves all the same music that I do and is a virtuoso with the bass-- but I think it's just a sham--I think he was made for disco. To be sure, nothing good can come of this. What's next? People seriously don't know what they're getting into when they mumble the words, "In sickness and in health" now do they?

Me: Ok, I know I have a big butt, but, do these make my butt especially big? (turning and shaking it like I own it...which, unfortunately I do).

John: It looks juicy.

Me: Gross! OK, so it looks especially enormous...whatever, I'm too late for work to change/hide my ass.

***walking out the door together for work***

Me: I see you staring at my ass, knock it off douchebag! (Yep, that's my term of endearment)

John: I like to look at butts and I look at butts all day long, deal with it!

Amazingly, this did not make me feel better about my ass but did make me wonder about John since he works with mostly men.

I can't convey all that it was to reconnect with an old friend...a friendship I had that I really never got a chance to really cultivate. We met my senior year of college, her freshman year but due to her maturity and my immaturity we were able to connect in a way that is not often possible when you're standing (laying) around a keg. Somehow, she was able to see that there was something genuine inside me ( at a point in my life where I felt that everyone only took me at face value) and I loved her instantly. Our mutual love was abruptly cut short because of my father's death.

College was such an intense part of my life. I breathed it in, I lived it with probably more gusto than I should've...I have great stories from it, and I don't regret a single minute of it, but I definitely was there to understand who I was/am more than I was for an education (that's what graduate school and independent study was for). I often have suffocating dreams about the people "I left behind" in college. It may sound stupid but it kills me that I have less than a handful of friends whom I keep in contact with. I chalk half of it up to the fact that I was OUTRAGEOUS in college but the other half to the fact that my father died the day after my college graduation. When people tried to reconnect, I shunned them...my new life of dealing with grief, my mother and reality was really too much to handle anything...

Cue Thursday night. Lauren and I decided to meet up after seven years. We hardly knew each other and yet, there was a connection between us, "back in the day" that made me eager to see her and to drink up everything that she had seen, done and experienced in the time that we had been apart. Everything was easy. She walked into my house and was pummeled by my dog and took it with extreme grace. Honestly, Frankie only pummels people of extreme quality.

I took her to the FQB, one of my favorite places to go...we may be a decaying town with lots of money but no desire to update our look from 1967, but the FQB sits amidst the rotting Main Street and shines. Lauren and I became music, giving and taking from each other, stories would crescendo, ending in laughter or facial grimaces too scary to even describe. When we left each other, I knew that I had gained a new friend. Even though she had been my friend before in concept, she is now my true friend...a friend that would have no problem opening my heart to---and it reminded me very much of the day that I had met her--seven years ago.

My brother in law can marry anyone he damn well pleases according to me, because the perfect prince just found us a gorgeous ball and claw bathtub that was waaaaaay beyond our bathroom budget...and he's giving it to us for free!!!

So you know what that means??? I might actually have a completed bathroom by this June...which will make it precisely one year from when the demolition started in the first place. Wait, did I tell you that it's the only full bath in the house??

I know what you're thinking and I totally agree, I am a very easy going woman who can shower amongst the wreck and ruin that is my bathroom. I am also fully equipped to blow dry my hair while sitting on the floor, and applying makeup in the half bath downstairs. Luckily, I'm very low maintenance and I rarely do any of the above and most often just run out of the house with my hair half wet, dragging a brush through it while pulling it up into a ponytail.

** John, I'm just poking fun at ya, I really don't care about the bathroom, it'll be done beautifully when it's finished--but it is damn good blog fodder.

John's having a mini existential crisis...I guess turning 29 does that to you (I'm fairly sure why I had one then too). He's just coming to terms that he's not as cool, exciting and as rich as he had dreamed he would be. I think he's just as cool and exciting as ever...plus he gives a mean foot rub. He woke me up to tell me this last night (not in those words...at all) because he couldn't sleep. Then I started babbling because I couldn't sleep because, oh yeah, because he woke my ass up. A few minutes later he thanked me because my stories were "lulling him gently to sleep". I grabbed his balls for that one. But it was too late, the only response was "Zzzzzzzzzz" and a little drool on my shoulder.

On another note...

John's brother casually brought up the fact that he's looking at rings. This could be an interesting turn of events because he and his girlfriend are going to Vegas next week. Could it be a family tradition? All of us frugally hitting up the $39 "I Do special" at the Hollywood Chapel of Love? I have to say, I'm cautious about this one, they seem to be a fiery couple--fighting all the time, breaking up, moving out and then not being able to live without one another. I would never voice these concerns out loud because John's brother's a big boy and what do I have to go on? My longest and best relationship has been with John...all others were simply duds. Oh and that tiny fact that I married John after 6 months and a few breakups of our own. So...perhaps that's a family tradition too???

PS. My birthday is on Monday, feel free to plan what you're going to give me!

I've never done this in the however many years I've been blogging (honestly, I tried to count on my fingers and they failed me and YES I know it's not that many that I should be counting on my fingers) but I would like some love. Leave me a comment. This is entirely self serving and I must say that I drank a little whiskey tonight (c'mon, I want to get pregnant, this is the last weekend I will be drinking for a while). I just want to know if I have an audience. I'm used to talking to myself so I won't be too upset over it. Fuck that, I'll be crying myself to sleep over this...obviously.

While you're telling me that I mildly amuse you some of the time, think about these questions and answer them in the comments if you would be so bold:

1. What was your first date like?
2. If you could undo the loss of your virginity (at that particular time, I'm not expecting you all to wish you were still virgins) would you? why?? What would've been the "ideal situation"? ( I think that's a three part question but hey!)
3.What's your favorite horror/suspense movie (I'm working on my movie queue and horror is one of my fav genres, it's not as "out on left field" as it seems.