This is blog of a woman who didn't know what she wanted and so chased after dreams and men in search of the answers...drunken hilarity ensued. Then one day she met a man who was everything she wanted, but he wasn't so sure. Then she did the unthinkable; after they broke up she gave him this blog address and she let him into her mind as well as her heart. Unbelievably, even after sorting through the sordid archives of failed relationships, one night stands and her lusty (and embarassing) pursuit to secure the heart of a certain young line cook, John somehow managed to fall in love with her too. Melina and John were married a little over six months after they started dating, running away to Las Vegas to seal the deal. You can imagine what the over/under bet was to see if they'd even make it a year!! Over a year later and they are still going strong...this blog has become their story. Need to tell me something? Email me at Melinalovesjohnny at gmail dot com
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Thursday, March 13, 2008
Misconceptions: A love story
Yesterday I got my period and I cried quietly on the toilet. No, it wasn't an earth shattering bowel movement that brought tears to my eyes nor the desire to take a picture of my scat like John once did to me (true story-it was because his poop looked like a between gags I told him it looked like a parentheses*). It was because I really thought I might be pregnant this time around because boobs were bigger and sore, I was a hormonal mess and my back hurt. But no, lucky me, these symptoms are the same as those of menstruation. Fuckers.

John came home last night and he was feeling frisky. I can't remember what he actually said to me but all I can remember (or conjure up in my imagination) was him saying that his "penis wanted to talk to me". I doubt he really said that because I would still be laughing now if he did. I gave him the news that it was all tampons, all the time and he did something unexpected, he started to cry (at first I was flattered, he was that upset that we couldn't have sex?!? awww how sweet, and then I realized...) Not sob, just a fear tears silently slipped from his eyes and he told me how he had bragged to people at happy hour how excited he was to be a father and that he thought this time was the lucky time. Of course, like me, John's dramatic and he said with resignation, "That's it," throwing his hands up, "I'm sterile!" and I said shaking my head, "No, no...I have old's me babe." And that led us to the scenario which had us laughing as we pictured his sperm limping their way towards my old egg who was sitting on her front porch in a rocker and wearing a blanket over her shoulders in the sweltering heat, shaking her cane and saying, "Stay off my porch! Don't you come up here!" I imagine her to look like this. And somehow that made up story made me laugh and worry a little less. Hopefully the next egg is a little less cranky and his sperm is like Mark Spitz, I especially hope that it has Mark's sweet porn 'stache.

* I could actually post the photo in question because for some reason, I realized just now (at 5:25pm) that the poop pic is still in my phone! I am once again grossed out, but again, making no move to delete the photo.

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posted by Melina at 3:25 PM