This is blog of a woman who didn't know what she wanted and so chased after dreams and men in search of the answers...drunken hilarity ensued. Then one day she met a man who was everything she wanted, but he wasn't so sure. Then she did the unthinkable; after they broke up she gave him this blog address and she let him into her mind as well as her heart. Unbelievably, even after sorting through the sordid archives of failed relationships, one night stands and her lusty (and embarassing) pursuit to secure the heart of a certain young line cook, John somehow managed to fall in love with her too. Melina and John were married a little over six months after they started dating, running away to Las Vegas to seal the deal. You can imagine what the over/under bet was to see if they'd even make it a year!! Over a year later and they are still going strong...this blog has become their story. Need to tell me something? Email me at Melinalovesjohnny at gmail dot com
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Monday, December 31, 2007
New Year's Eve
Happy New Year everyone! As I type I'm wearing a long black satin gown which I wore last at Cr's wedding as her Maid of Honor...what can I say, our friends said, "Black Tie Party" and I responded with the one dress that I don't have to shave my legs for and I can wear sneakers instead of dress shoes. Yes, sneakers. And if we're really going to get nitpicky, I'm also wearing white and red heart socks. There are a lot of stairs at the party and I know my limitations!

Have fun tonight, and know your limitations! :)

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I learned it by watching you
I blame John's love of football for some of the things I do such as shit talking, ball grabbing and tackling). I'm a red blooded American woman, if I see something on TV, I have to emulate it, right? Right.

That's the only excuse that I can even begin to formulate for the reason that I quickly gathered a burst of energy, sprang up like a rather less than graceful gazelle and ran around the living room only to get low and throw my shoulder into my husband's midsection. That's right, I tackled my football player sized husband onto the couch and continued to "beat him up" (so that social services doesn't come and take me away, my "beating" consists of goofy harassment) for about forty minutes. To be fair to him, I only had the upperhand for the first ten minutes of the battle but he's 6'1" and 5'5" and I'm uh...dainty...well, not really, but I'm daintier than a football player. I used all the tricks in my playbook--titty twisters (learned from my youth), Indian (Native American) Rubs (he said, "hey that feels nice!" was infuriating), licking of face and glasses (kind of gross to do, it isn't recommended). I crawled under his Eagles jersey and initiated a three pronged attack using my mouth and and hands but aside from his girlish shrieks I didn't accomplish all the mayhem that I had been planning. However, it still provided 40 minutes of unadulterated fun and excitement. I'm keeping things spicy, like salsa! Or maybe immature like recess...either way, we laughed like hyenas.

The nasty side effect? Today, my back feels like I'm an 80 year old arthritic hooker (SFW).

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It's like have toddlers...
...who just happen to snarl and bite each other. Oh and poop on pillows...yup, Sir Naughty strikes again. He can't go outside, and he can't just poop on the floor (which isn't ideal either) but oh no, the prince has to present his excrement for me to find perfectly placed on a pillow. What happened to glass slippers?

The worst part? This is now the second time he has done this in the past 24 hours.

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Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
Well, vacation is winding quickly to a close. I don't have much to show for it except I probably gained ten pounds--I guess it was fun putting them on, but I'm sure it won't be fun taking them off. Where my break has been pretty quiet and mostly lazy (getting to read books, watch tons of movies and mindless TV) today has been nothing short of insanity and I've only been awake for a half hour.

You see, John and I are watching his brother's dog while he's celebrating NYE in North Carolina with some of his friends. My brother in law should've named this dog Naughty. He's adorable and tiny (and sounds like a little pig when he snorts and walks) but he is 100% bad! Already today he chased my poor dog around with a pillow which he was trying to smother her with. Seriously, I wouldn't believe it myself unless I had seen it. He woke me up by standing on my head and sniffing my ear. Then he puked on me. That typically gets a person out of bed. I have to hand it to him, it's an effective method for getting people to do what you want.

Now Sir Naughty is only 1/2 of the equation. Frankie doesn't like to share. She runs around and gathers up all her toys (my socks) holding about 12 in her mouth so that Naughty can't take them. She also feels the need to protect my lap from being laid in by the other dog. Frankie isn't a lap dog, Naughty is. So instead of a 15 lb dog nestled in my lap, I have a 55 lb dog snoring on me as we speak. Because they (Naughty stealing stuff and Frankie trying to take it all back from him) run around here at a breakneck speed carrying around CDs, empty cigaratte boxes, lighters, candles and/or anything else they can fit within their drooping jowls every fifteen minutes or so my lap turns into napzone and they squirm and struggle to see who's going to get the spot! I have to say that John would fight for my lap too, it's a nice place to be. And just as quickly chaos ensued, I have two dogs spooning on my lap snoring loudly. And you know what they say about sleeping dogs... let them lie.
Because in a few short minutes we're going to be doing this whole routine all over again.

Oh dear lord, I want these dogs to sleep for as long as humanly/caninely possible but Naughty needs some kind of Beano and I need some form of gas mask. This is cruel and unusual punishment.

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Sunday, December 30, 2007
Random and Unnecessary
John recently accused me of being a random and unnecessary curser. For example, yesterday I said to both John and the dog, "Get your heads off my damn pillow!"

The dog looked hurt and stunned but John seemed fairly unfazed. He simply said to me as he shifted sheepishly back to his own pillows (he has like 20), "Geez, it's like being married to Charleton Heston with your random cursing!"

For the rest of the day all I heard was, "Get your hands off me, you damned dirty ape!" and "Frankly Melina, I don't give a damn!" Go ahead and roll your eyes at him, I know I did.

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Friday, December 28, 2007
Communicable Diseases
I didn't realize that being a nerd was catching until last night. Firstly, we spent the entire evening playing Mario Party on our Wii, I would say that was nerdy but it was simply too splendid a time to make fun of...what I will make fun of was the "channel" where you can check out all the "celebrity wii characters" that fans have made...

...and that's when it happened. I officially became a nerd; whatever that truly means since I already wear glasses and I have a love of literature that can't be quenched, but uh, I said, "Hey isn't that Admiral Acbar?"

I'm so cold, somebody hold's so dark, so dark...

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Thursday, December 27, 2007
Hello out there....remember me?
Geez...I had a to dust off the keyboard before typing, it's been that long!!
vacation has been glorious so far, I think I'm crossing the halfway point now and I never want it to end. However, just like life, vacations have their highs and lows. Let me explain in list form:

1. Thursday evening officially marked John's holiday break...for some reason, I thought I'd celebrate too. After a few rum and pineapple juices (daiquiris if you will...John's been reading a lot of Fitzgerald lately and daiquiris are anything that are rum based mixed with fruit juices, he's trying to bring it back--don't ask me why), I had a glass of Jameson and we played lots of Trivial Pursuit and sang to music. You can imagine my excitement when I got up at 6 the next morning. It reminded me of the good old days and why I don't like drinking during the week.

2. I came home from work on Friday and the house was full of deliciousness. On John's day off, he cleaned and he made me my favorite dinner! MMMMM! This is why I'm keeping him. More drunken Trivia Pursuit ensued (hey, it's a cheap yet fun our local, hometown bar is closed for the entire holiday). I made John giggle with some drunken dirty was pretty funny, good thing he didn't start laughing until it was all over.

3. Saturday was the laziest day we had. We laid on the couch, did some grocery shopping and watched bad movies (namely, Hatchet, John didn't even make it through that one). We also had dinner where we were outnumbered by pregnant people, and toddlers.

4. Sunday we lounged. Then John took me to lunch since I've been salivating over commercials of shrimp. I believe at one point I said that I wanted my teeth removed and replaced with baline so that I could just guzzle shrimp down by the dozen at a time. I know, I know...what a dream to have!! Then we went out to see our friends down at the FQB. There we were on a mission to catch a buzz because our drunken friends had been there since 2 pm. We started with White Russians, switched over to shots of blackberry vodka and coke, more dark rum and pineapple, a shot of SoCo and lime, and then finally switching to a single beer and a shrug...we were well beyond our budget for the evening and well behind everyone else in the bar who were at this point posing with a giant blow up penis. Ah the holidays, so festive!

5. Monday was the low point in my vacation. It started off keeping with our "drink lots of alcohol theme" of the holiday, John whipped up some vodka, cranberry and sprites for us and we sat and watched Die Hard, which John has declared to be his favorite "holiday movie ever". After a few of these drinks I started to feel not so good. In fact, only three of them had me on my knees praying for death. That "warm and fuzzy feeling stayed with me for wasn't until about 8 pm that I was able to actually keep food down. Unfortunately, this is the same amount of time I got to spend with T, as I ran back and forth to the bathroom. This little exchange though almost got me strangled.
(John comes back into the house after he ran out saying he was going "to get me something")
John: I brought you Wendy's, you need to something!
Me: I was hoping you got me Pepto Bismol or something... (as I greedily took my sandwich)
John: (tries to keep his hands from my neck) I'll run back out...
Me: No, I'll be ok, this sandwich should help...
I take three bites and fall asleep.

Needless to say, I had a lot of damage control to do on Christmas morning!! I'll stop off here for now.

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Friday, December 21, 2007
Where's the justice when John's all snug in bed and I'm all ready for work (complete with a cold shower this morning because the water heater's on the fritz). If anyone says "You have the Summer off!" I will cut you...

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Monday, December 17, 2007
He's Just so Damn Quotable...

So yesterday he says to me, "You're like all four of the Horsemen of the Apolcalypse, but mostly you're Pestilence" as I was giving him zerberts in his belly button.

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Are they like sea monkeys?
We went to John's fancy schmancy Holiday party this weekend and when I came home from getting my hair done by his sister and slipped my black dress on he said, "You look absolutely gorgeous!" and he cupped my cheeks and kissed me deeply. That, however, was nothing compared to what he said to me yesterday while we were lying on the couch and he was smooshing my face with his hand while I was sticking my tongue out and trying to lick him (sexy and sophisticated right?). As I made a final tongue attempt he said to me, "I think they wrote a book about you, what was it called? Oh yeah, Portrait of the Artist as a Young Fish Monkey!"

Why that made me laugh so hard? I'm not sure but I loved it so much that I made him call me a fish monkey all night.

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Sunday, December 16, 2007
Ignorant Men
I can't even believe that I'm married to a man who's never heard of Emmit Otter's Jugband Christmas! Believe me when I tell you that I'm mostly a grinch and that I have very little holiday spirit (due to a brief stint in retail) but I will forever love Emmit.

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Friday, December 14, 2007
Bad Test Taker
So John and I were playing Wii the other night and I slipped into the bathroom and decided that I wanted to take a pregnancy test because my boobs have been hurting and well, one of them has gotten ginormous...seriously, it's a little monster!!

I took the digital test and called to John while still sitting on the toilet. "Pregnant" he said slowly, it says pregnant! And then we hugged and I jumped around with my jeans around my ankle. But being the pessimist I am, I took another test the next morning, and this one read, "Not Pregnant". I sighed with disappointment in the first time in my life.

Now I have four more days to wait until I see whether or not I get my looks like a 50/50 chance.

It was fun to have that feeling of excitement, this other feeling of anxiousness and not knowing isn't nearly as much fun.

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Saturday, December 08, 2007
Can't Keep A Secret to Save Our Lives
John and I have a problem...a real, diagnosable problem. If we buy gifts for each other we can't wait until the designated holiday to give it to them, oh no, we need to give them to each other right away! Last year it was bad, I would get things shipped from Amazon and then wrap them up, minutes after finishing the job John would come home and I would immediately thrust my gifts upon him...the scotch tape still not completely stuck to the package.

This year it's much easier for me...I haven't purchased anything for him yet because I don't really have the available cash to get anything good so I'm saving to buy last minute. Unfortunately (fortunately for me), Mr. Moneybags (aka John), doesn't have the same poor luxury as me. He desperately wanted to tell me what my presents were but he said, "What are we going to do on Christmas? You won't have anything to open!" I said, leaping around like a fool about to be told her Christmas present, "I don't care! Tell me!" and then I jumped on him for emphasis. He kept holding out and so I said as he played around on the Internet, "Why don't you just look at it one more time on the internet (after letting it slip that it was something from Tiffany & Co.), hoping that he would look at it and I could catch a glimpse in the reflection of his glasses. He replied sternly, "No, you'll just check the history." To which I replied honestly, "No, I was just going to look at it through the reflection of your glasses. After a little snugglefest his lips became loose...

And he said to me, "Your gift isn't so much of a gift for you as it is a gift to tell you that I'm completely ready, I'm onboard." Of course, I looked at him like he had five heads, what on Earth was he talking about? And then he grabbed the laptop and went onto the website and showed me this, and then I realized that he was saying that he was truly ready to have a baby. It also made me realize that he's going to have a very spoiled kid if he's already putting the proverbial silver spoon in a non existant child's mouth already!

Oh and if you thought that was too mushy, he also told me this morning that he bought me the Hitachi Magic Wand...the Cadillac of vibrators too...which is most definitely a present for me and me alone! I have to say, it looks more like a microphone than a vibrator.

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Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Wore it out...
I wore John's penis out this week. That sentence would've made me proud, however, I feel badly for both the big guy and the little guy when I saw the reddening mark forming on the little guy. Poor boy, he's my favorite person in this house. We're still a little unsure how it happened, it looks like a little cut and a brush burn...I um, don't know how to say it without being crude, but um, I've never had any issue that would require any bottled, how'd the little guy get scuffed up? Call Unsolved Mysteries, because it completely beats me.

In other news...

I'm skipping night class makes me feel so happy. I'm not exactly sure why since I'm not working on my paper or working on my presentation which are both due next Wednesday! Instead, I'm plopped down on the couch avoiding reading Beowulf for the millionth time. I wish that was an exaggeration but I'm not sure that it is. It's lightly snowing outside, I'm hoping for a two hour delay because I'm feeling so frazzled this week with everything that's going on, I have a feeling that by Friday, I'm going to be very cranky and that I may have to sleep all weekend just to recouperate. Oh wait, I can't! I have to write my stupid paper!

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Sunday, December 02, 2007
Someday I'll grow up
Cheap vodka makes for a nasty hangover...

I'm just saying.

Pardon me, I need to lay next to the toilet for the next five hours. Seriously, I feel so badly that I think death would be an acceptable alternative at this point.

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