So Friday I was left with very little to do. My friends had all gone their separate ways...dates, visiting new born neices etc. But then Paul, a newer extremely platonic friend called and asked me to go to karaoke with him to see the girl that he liked. The bar that we went to was possibly one of the worst dive bars ever. They serve food, but it's in crock pots sitting on the bar!!! Literally, I'm watching this lady make a meatball sub on the bar. And apparently only I was appalled with the weird foods stored in tupperware contains randomly around the bar. Uggh.

After Paul got to speak with his lady friend I talked him into taking me to the FQB where I could see if Billy was around. He was. We chatted, neither of us mentioned the phone call or the lack thereof. We played some darts, had a few laughs and then drank entirely too much. At Last Call, Billy, myself and the other guy that we were playing darts with each bought a round of beer and shots. We stayed at the bar until about 3:30 (which is pretty much super illegal in Pennsylvania) and then they drove me home.

There was some drunken discussion of him staying over with me but he had to get up at 8 to help his sister (or someone) move. So we did the next best thing by making out against the other guy's car until we were told to quit it. I reluctantly went back into the car and Billy marched his hot little drunken ass inside the house (an aside: remember when Chelle hooked up with the skinhead--who for some reason seems like a rational human being (but obviously isn't)? That's Billy's roommate. How's that for six degrees of separation?) I went home and crashed.

The next day I felt like hell (as usual...I guess we should just call Saturday mornings Hell Day for me right??) But I rallied that night to go out with Chelle. I still felt shaky but I thought that I would be ok. I thought it best to get a turkey club and some french fries into my system as I hadn't eaten anything before I touched alcohol. Well everything was going ok...I nursed a Miller High Life (yeah I'm classy) for about two hours and then Chelle springs Red Bull and vodka shots on me. Again, felt a little weird but ok. Flash forward to 10pm. I run to the bathroom and throw up my turkey club. I go back to the bar to get some water and some gum and everything feels much better. I turned down the booze, smiling weakly but still soldier on at the bar because it looked like Chelle was hitting it off with one of my friends.

12 am. Chelle and Cr gang up on me and make me do another Red Bull depth charge shot. Within seconds I'm heading back to the bathroom to throw up. A girl says, "Wow, you must be wasted or something. " I reply, "No, I've had a beer and a half and two shots since 7pm...this is a prolonged hangover from last night." I look at the girl who accuses me of being wasted and see that she must've recently had sex in the parking lot because she has leaves in her hair. She gives me another snotty look and says, "Yeah right" to me and so I tell her, "By the way, you have leaves in your hair" and with that, I stormed out of the restroom as if I were classy and as if I hadn't just puked my guts out.

NO amount of cajoling could get me to take another sip of alcohol. I drank water for the rest of night and felt fine...except that my stomach was completely growling because it rebelled against the food I gave it. Finally, at two, after doing my friendly duty we brought some folks back to my house (I was hoping to go straight to bed) but I ended up hosting until about 3:30am. When I saw my male friend begin playing with Chelle's hair I excused myself and went upstairs, tossed a few condoms in the guest room (safe sex always people...that's my motto!) and finally got to go to sleep.

This morning Chelle was feeling a little hungover, a little guilty and slutty (silly girl...slutty is no way a girl should ever describe herself. You may sleep with anyone you like my dear!) but I think that it was perfect way to signify the end of the Co-Worker's hold on Chelle's heart (although, I don't really think that it is the end). Somehow, I get the feeling that Chelle hooking up with R, might've had something to do with the fact that the Co-Worker said he might call on Saturday night.

So that was the weekend in a nutshell. A little smooching, a lot of puking...it kind of left a little to be desired from a totally thrilling weekend. Fun, but I think I could've done without the minor alcohol poisoning, or whatever happened to me! Oh and it was a Derek-free weekend and that's never as fun as a Derek-full weekend. Especially since I'll be having tons of Derek-free weekends very shortly. 29 days and counting.

Since when did it become so hard to get men to take their pants off and be treated like pieces of meat? Chelle and I were discussing that today while she was at work and I was emailing her to keep myself occupied. Matty hasn't called me back...didn't he want to get all "freaky deaky" with me (god I blush everytime I think about that statement, it's just so godawful)? Did he fall off the face of the Earth? Did he get back together with my replacement? Gosh...what's a woman gotta do to get laid around here?

Then there's Billy "I want your phone number so that I won't call you". Come on Bill...we've done it before, we can do it again. Why must I coax you into this? I didn't run into him last night but I'm hoping to run into him one of these days soon. Cr brought up a very good point that Billy had been very drunk when he asked for my number, AND that I had written it on a scrap of napkin...it's very possible that he lost it. So, we concluded that if I run into him again I'm not going to mention the fact that he didn't call and I will allow him another chance and getting my digits and into my pants. After that, I won't bother with him anymore.

We're not even going to bring up Derek. Whatever I would've had to do to get him into bed, I obviously never came near to touching on it.

Chelle's co-worker took a hiatus from Chelle and their after work romps...now emails her and asks her to come over TONIGHT. Where have you been for the past two weeks sir? Why the one line daily emails, just to keep her interested in you...but you didn't give more than that?? Hmm, Mr I-Fear-Intimacy-With-A-Vengence? When she replied that she had plans and that she couldn't come over tonight, she suggested tomorrow. He replied, "Perhaps." PERHAPS?!? WTF, he should be kissing the sweet ground thanking for Chelle for even considering giving him the time of day! Men are exasperating sometimes. (Not all men, just the one's that we're dealing with. The boys of the Cornfield are beginning to take us ladies (I use the term loosely) for granted I think.)

Now, not everyone is unwilling...
There's Todd who's willing to strip down at a second's notice but as he's a bottom feeding cheater, I feel it's my duty to keep my panties on. There's S, who attempts to booty call me at the same time as Todd (weird huh...don't date friends). There's a couple random gents here and there, but never the ones I want. There's M, who text messaged me about thirty times about "wanting to taste me" and other interesting requests...however, he too, has a girlfriend. What's the point of having girlfriends if all these boys are going to call me. It's not even satisfying or ego stroking when they call. I just feel icky.

Yeah, this was definitely a "Cry Me A River" post.

Yeah so the boy who asked for my phone number on Monday? He never called. I guess it's paybacks for that time that we slept together and I didn't say goodbye to him.

Damn! He was cute. I thought he'd be a good diversion from Derek. Oh well, I heard he's a serial fucker here in the Cornfield so I guess in the long run it's a good thing that he never called...but yet another blow to my ego.

Perhaps it was my shabby look from Monday...maybe he doesn't remember that underneath the shirt/old jeans and flip flops there's a cute bod? the boy must have no imagination. But that's ok, I'm going to take my two guy friends down there tonight (maybe, if they'll actually go) in a much more fabulous outfit. And I'll just smile sweetly and ask him if his phone isn't working...actually, I'll probably just ignore him.

My friend Ml got her pictures back from an outing we took at the beginning of summer...which resulted in getting Derek "out of my dreams, and into my uh...limo". Remember that night? The night of strip poker? The night I finally got him to kiss me.

Well I wish I could scan in the pics because they are absolutely hilarious and simultaneously embarassing (but they show my face). The funniest ones are from the limo. The limo ride from thitwbar to my house couldn't have been more than a minute long and yet, within that minute I attempted to drape my body on Derek. Ml captured my sloppy, drunken attempt at seduction with such crystal clarity.

The photos are so funny. In one, I have my head thrown back (dangerously close to Derek's ear) and I'm cackling away with my arm wrapped across his chest and my leg casually draped over his. In another I have my head pressed against his chest attempting to give him a full body hug. You can tell that both of us are inebriated beyond belief and he's got a funny little smile on his face. A cross between, "Is this really happening to me?" and "I guess I don't mind that this is really happening to me..."

He's such a good sport. Oh latest drunken text message to him, "It's your fault that I feel like a serial killer laying next to my dog and her teddy bear. No need to respond to this." It makes sense if you remember that he and my dog decapitated the teddy bear and that my dog still carries the headless teddy everywhere. But if you don't remember, as I'm sure that he doesn't...since it's kind of inconsequential...it sounds crazy. But that's me, crazy.

Tonight it's thitwbar with Ry and our friend Vince...let's hope I survive it. I tend to drink my body weight when I'm out with Ryan!

So last night I was all set to curl up on my couch and watch the Real World after my shower. However, my phone rang and it was my friend Nina's roommate looking for someone to hang out with him. He coaxed me into walking up to thitwbar and so I set out. Do you know how incredibly hot it is in the Cornfield right now? It literally felt like I was pushing blankets of moist air every time I moved my legs.

I got to the bar and saw Derek. I am resolved to end the crush so I just said, "Hey" and avoided the small talk. It may've been my imagination but it looked like he gave me a curious look. So I sat and chatted with Brian, which is a little tough because although nice, Brian seems to be as interesting as a piece of cardboard. After 10 minutes I was looking forward to the time when I could slip out and wade through the sauna air back to my house. But...things got better.

We decided to play some darts and were joined by a couple of my friends. After criticizing the bartender loudly for not offering better service Brian was unceremoniously cut off. He asked me if I wanted a ride home but I declined and decided to stay and chat with my friends. As I was speaking, in walked the bartender from the FQB who bought me drinks from his tip pile the night before. I asked Chris (the bartender) to give the guy whatever he wanted and went over to thank him for fronting me the night before.

So there we all were, a happy little group of people...a perfect panel for Jerry Springer. First, we could go by drunkeness...the one guy has a plate in his head from falling down the steps drunk and crushing a part of his skull. Another guy sitting with us, just had major leg surgery because he tore tendons in his leg after doing something when he was drunk. Man, I felt almost normal for having only knocked out my front teeth when I was drunk once! But we could all be on Jerry Springer for yet another reason...First there's Paul who's in love with Tara, who has had sex with Tony and loves him, Tony doesn't love Tara but wouldn't mind fucking her again, and then there was me who was lusting after Derek (who was killing the hell out of the Jameson bottle last night) and finally there was Robbie (the FQB bartender) who asked if he could sleep with me in my bed and make out "a little bit". Right, because that's where it stops huh? So there were a lot of hormones and unrequitted love being passed around those bar stools last night.

Derek asked me, "So were you on a date with that dude?" and I laughed. "Does he look like he's my type? And would I really bring a date to this bar?" He shrugged, "I don't know what your type is and you have brought a date here before!" It was my turn to shrug. "Didn't he look a little too clean cut, too "average everyday Joe"...I mean he was wearing a polo shirt with the alligator on it...and it wasn't from a thrift store Der." Derek laughed, "I'm wearing a polo shirt too." I rolled my eyes, "Yeah but you have to wear a collared shirt here dumbass." Another shrug.

Later when Robbie had asked me to make out, Der hit my arm, "What'd he ask you to do?" I cracked a crooked half smile, "He wants to make out with me in my bed." Derek scratched his head, "And...?" "And I said that we're all going back to my house but that he'll have to sleep in the guest room if he wants to stay over." I poked him in the ribs, "What'd you think I'd say?" wrinkling my nose at him. Again, a shrug.

So four of us, Derek and I included, headed back to my house for a little nightcap and for a little board game action. Derek and my dog somehow managed to rip the head off of the dog's favorite stuffed bear and fuzz flew everywhere. I don't know how they do it, but everytime Derek's here, he and the dog destroy something together. It was a fun time and the three left me around 4:30am tired, mostly sober but highly amused.

Mom: So tell me what's going on with these boys of yours?
Me: Nothing Mom...I totally tapped out.
Mom: Really? That doesn't sound like you...Derek's really leaving huh?
Me: Yeah, but he never liked me in the first place...I was just pushing that because I just figured he was a tough sell.
Mom: You just like a challenge.
Me: I'm sick of challenges. It's been a painful x amount of months of failure. I don't like failure (pouty face)
Mom:(raises her eyebrow archly) Really? Has Matty called you lately?
Me: He called me last Monday...but he hasn't called me back.
Mom's Boyfriend: That's the one she liked right? (talking past me to my mom)
Mom: I don't know if she really liked him. She just liked him because he was like the uncatchable fish...and because he was so good in bed.
Me: Hell-O...I'm still here, remember (lots of eye rolling and sighing).
Mom: Yes, I know Sweetie. So who else? There has to be a third. (over top of my head) Melina always works in threes.
Me: Well I gave my number out to this guy last night.
Mom: Oh yeah? Is he high quality?
Me: What do you think?
Mom: Well I'm sure he's a dick and that he works in food service.
Me: Bingo! Give that woman a prize!
Mom: Really? You're not kidding...(trails off uncertain)
Me: He's a chef...not just a cook (giving mom a look when said) as if one person's job is better than another's Mother...and at his other job he's a waiter.
Mom: I don't know what it is about you and cooks. I bet he has a lot of tattoos too?
Me: Well I like food. Yes, he has a lot of tattoos...you know how I feel about them. Yum.
Mom: Perhaps. So why is he a dick?
Me: I'm not sure that he is...but the word on the street is, that he is. Oh and...
Mom: ...and what?
Me: Well he hit on me when he had a girlfriend. In his girlfriend's house...
Mom: Oh boy. Yeah he's a winner.
Me: Winner or not, I just want him to call me...or I'm going to poke his eyes out!
Mom's boyfriend: Are there a lot of men in the Cornfield missing eyes?
Me and Mom: Shut it!
Mom: I just want grandchildren that don't have to go to the Vet someday...ok?
Me: Well, if he calls me I'll discuss how he feels about bastard children, ok?
Mom: (shoves me and hugs me)

And then we munched happily on salads...The End.

Well almost the end, I'm still waiting for that phone call. This is day 1. Two more to wait in the traditional "stupid boy doesn't call for three days" (why do they do that?). Or my personal favorite...he won't call at all, even though he asked for my number. I hate phone number collecting boys--they are the worst.

So last night I got a call from one of my new friends Paul. He wanted to go out to the bar and talk to me BEFORE I get drunk. I obliged him. I kind of just wanted to get out of the house after the whole murder thing (I never heard anything more about it, just rumors but nothing on tv...I guess the Cornfield doesn't count). We went to thitwbar, Derek was working but I just said my usual hey but I've decided to start weening myself off him now...there's only a month left. I did very well at this because I didn't fuel myself with alcohol. We (Paul, his platonic girl friend who he's in love with and myself)played a couple rounds of darts and then we headed on down to the FQB.

The last time I had been down at the FQB, I had just gotten my tattoo and I ended up taking the Neosporin boy home with me. As this boy works at the FQB, I figured we'd run into him. Now if you are a little hazy about that story...let me just refresh you with my "morning after/crash and burn antics" from a month ago. (Cue the chimes that will take us back into the past) We woke up, we kind of babbled a little and Chelle said, "If you want a ride we're leaving now!" I kind of sat up on an elbow and said..."I won't be able to give you a ride so you might want to go with her." (not sure why I said that, because I had wanted him to stay) It gets worse. Then I threw on a t-shirt (and nothing else) and went outside with my dog. He left with Chelle and we never said goodbye. I didn't mean to be a heartless bitch...I was still a little knackered.

Ok so let's fast forward to last night. Yes, I did run into Billy. At first, we just did the head nod and the old "Hey" thing. There were a couple more girls at the bar that were friends with Paul and he leaned over and exclaimed his contempt for Billy. He called him a dirtbag, scum and many, many other names. Apparently, he had screwed one of the girls over that were hanging with Paul. I heard none of this...I do recall Paul saying something about "not feeling bad if Billy ignored me..."and I just gave him a very dubious look.

I had no crutches (emotional ones) with me...I wasn't really drinking (so no liquid courage) and I was wearing my kickball t-shirt (from Kickball Superstar ), which is an awesome shirt...but not really anything that was boosting my confidence; especially when paired with Adidas sandals. Hey, it was a Monday. I didn't think I had to get all gussied up for seduction purposes. But I sucked it up. I don't really need alcohol or sexy clothes to be confident...I'm a fairly confident person all on my own. So I marched over to to Billy and his friends and asked if I could join them in a game of darts.

By the end of the night I had apologized for my bad behavior a month ago, had a few laughs, I got him to buy me a drink or two and then...he asked for my number before he left. I gave it to him and now we just need to wait and see if he calls. Either way, I just feel better explaining myself! I was feeling pretty badly about it for a while now.

And then I did feel a little bad for a few minutes because it was obvious that the blonde girl with Paul saw Billy ask for my number. But as I see it, he'll probably just dick me over too, so I'm really doing her a public service. I doubt that how she saw it...and in fact, she played the role of "best friend" after that...she never let me out of her sight--especially since the boys were all going down to the Foreign Legion. She even offered to drive me home, I'm assuming because she wanted to make sure that I went HOME. I declined her ride but I did go home. I had done all the work that I felt needed to be done for one night.

I'm floored. There has been a helocopter flying over my house for about an hour and a half this afternoon (and it's still there) because in the development next to mine there has been an alleged murder/suicide. I feel like my town has lost her innocence. I'm hoping to all that's good in the world that I don't know who it is (not that it makes it any better, I'm just being selfish) and that it isn't a child. I know all these kids too well for me to bear that. Please.

So I've held off on the searches post because I know some people don't like them quite as much as I do. But although I have some sensational searches (read: very dirty), I noticed a trend of trash talking searches. Read what I mean.

1. Melina sucks. Well fine then! You suck too! Actually I've been complimented on my sucking abilities, so there. Nanny nanny boo boo.

2. Melina di smack down. I'd prefer not to be smacked down, just so you know. I can talk the talk, but I don't know if I can walk the walk.

3. Daddy's little slut. Ugggh. I was never Daddy's little slut, that's just gross. And I'm sorry, I can get as kinky as you'd like...but I don't call people "Daddy" it conjures up images, of well, my daddy.

4. "I'm a nympho" cigarettes. Well sometimes I do think that I'm a nympho sex occupies a large portion of my brain...getting it, thinking about it when I do get it, how I can ever get Derek to give it to me...etc. However, I don't think they make cigarettes for us nymphos.

5. Melina's boobs. I think my boobs are great, I'm not looking forward to the day when they start to sag, but as of right now they are absolutely perfect.

6. Romp and Jake. Now this search confuses me. Someone searches for Jake and romp on a daily basis...if you remember they once searched for Jake+romp+twilight zone+booty call...well now the person searches Romp and Jake every day. I hope you get the romp with Jake, I really do. I think maybe I'll start searching Romp+Derek=happy Melina and maybe it'll come true.

7. I got my boobs done. Well I'm happy for you. I haven't had my boobs done, but I'm not saying that in the future I won't consider it. I'm a vain girl. Although, I don't like the look of fake boobs...but I don't like the look of old boobs either.

8. Mr. Mophead dog. I love that dog!! It's in the commercial for some mini van or something...but I love the name of that dog!

9. Playgirl giggle OR giggles OR giggled OR giggling -gay xxx. I will admit that Playgirl makes me giggle too...and I'm fairly sure that Playgirl is less for girls and more for gay men and that's fine with me. My dad gave me a Playgirl on my 16th birthday as I was utterly virginal, so that I wouldn't be shocked at what a penis actually looked like (sweet dad, sweet). I can't say that I was turned on by the sight of a man standing naked in a junkyard...but hey, if it works for someone great.

10. And as always I get the "how to say" beer, girls, sex, fucking, gay, Derek, her tooth, no, slut, whore, bitch, Melina "in different languages.

11. My personal favorite of the week= Melina and Derek, a love story. It sure is. Although I don't think he sees it that way. But I feel like we're star crossed lovers. Well, in my fantasies.

So, I think I'm seriously impaired. Chelle and I went to the bar at 7:45pm ....7:45 I repeat. This was because I got the special night screwed up and I thought it was 50 cent mugs from 8-10. Alas, it was dollar draft night...oh boy! And so drunkeness ensued. Chelle was in the process of becoming an aunt...I'm not sure if her sister in law has popped the baby yet. But it was a reason to do many toasts--you know with the time old staple toast, "I saw Derek naked" (granted it was during strip poker but that's a technicality).

Well Derek wasn't working last night so that was a bonus...until...he walked in the door! Oh good god. I don't think I've been that drunk in a long time (since Monday maybe). But the point is, I didn't want him to see me so trashed. Somehow though, we ended up going to the back of the bar and sitting with him and his roommate...and playing darts. Who gives me darts when I'm drunk? I dunno...but I think I came in second place once. The best part though (and by best, I mean most mortifying) is when I totally bit it, and fell on the floor. I'm sure my boobs fell out of my shirt because I was totally wearing a super low cut cleavage shirt but I wouldn't know for sure...

My favorite part was the fact that my mom called me seven times today...starting at ten (at which time I was still asleep...very unlike me). She left various messages, some kind, some scared, some downright mean. When I finally called her back she questioned, "Have you gotten in trouble with the law again?" It made me laugh..."No Mom, I was sleeping." "What!?! You never sleep until 10...you must've gotten really drunk last night." And of course, I had to agree sheepishly, that yes, indeed I was a drunken moron the night before.

And that folks is the tale as far as I can remember.

Yesterday Ml and I ventured off to the big city to The Big Summer Classic--basically a concert of jam bands, bluegrass, fusion/funk and reggae. We missed a couple of the bands, New Monsoon, Umphreys Magee (which I heard where great), but we made it for the end of Yonder Mountain String Band (a fav of Ml's), and we heard Michael Franti and Spearhead (which was by far, both of our unexpected favorite performance as we hadn't heard of him before). Keller Williams performed but was a little too improvisational/experimental with some crazy electronic thing for the two of us, and The String Cheese Incident jammed their merry little hearts out.

All in all, it was a great show. There were lots of old hippies, neo hippies, people who were hippies for the day, and there was me. It was super hot. It felt like 100f with 100% humidity. I'm not totally sure what the actual reading was, but I spent the majority of the day slick with sweat...or if not dripping, I was slow drying and sticky like a slug. In fact, we met one handsome hippie man who Ml in her three margarita state, charmingly said, "Hey, it's you." (even though we hadn't met him before). They laughed introduced themselves and then Ml danced on over to her friends. The attractive hippie man named Steve then said to me, "Hey, it's you," and laughed and then said "I'm so sweaty sorry." I said, "Me too." So then he hugged me, and that's when I realized why slugs are asexual...slimy things shouldn't touch, it feels really nasty.

But all in all, the show was fairly uneventful...fun yes...but when I saw the "jellyfish" ( a girl dressed in a sparkly silver outfit complete with a tutu and a clear plastic umbrella covered with purple and white silk and resplendent with silk streamers as tentacles and green flashing glow sticks) dancing around the stage and then mingling out in the crowd, I knew that these folks were catering to the folks on hallucinegens...and frankly, it probably would've been a better show. I think I was the only totally sober person in the crowd! (besides Ml at the end).

I think tonight's a bar night for Chelle and I (I hope), that was the master plan!

Well here are the updates...I have to warn you...it's not that exciting:

Derek shaved his head...not to the skin but short enough. I guess he didn't love the mohawk, although I kind of did. I went out with Ryan on Monday and well...I really shouldn't be allowed to drink on Mondays. I was wrecked. It all started out innocently enough at thitwbar with a few $1 mugs and then we went to our "old hangout" for our friend's birthday. It was there that I decided drinking several Grateful Deads (like a Long Island Iced Tea except it has Chambord in it)...then we went back to thitwbar and that's when things took a turn for the worse. I continued to drink like a woman who didn't do a darn thing over the weekend, and thus made Monday my official "Saturday"...does that make sense?

Well Ryan and hung out there and then he left me. Do you ask a drunk girl if she wants a ride home, and when she says no, do you let her stay? I wouldn't! But he did. Derek assessed the situation as the official bartender of the night. My terrycloth hoodie was draped over one barstool, my heels were on another, and I was sitting in front of him on the other side of the bar with nothing but love in my eyes and slurs in my words. He immediately said, "Sit here, don't move and talk to these nice people." Goodness knows what I talked to them about but I'm sure I didn't make a good impression or interesting conversation.

Later, Derek drove me home, after driving someone else home...all very fuzzy. Needless to say, I didn't win his heart over that night...or any other for that matter. I did, however, manage to send him only two drunken texts. One was blank. And the other said, "______(my dog's name) says Muah! That's kisses from my dog! " Where do I come up with these things? Not too sure myself. Then I sent Matty a text that said, "Hey, wanna fuck?" because I'm ever so classy when I'm drunk...I'm not so sure why he didn't jump at that offer at 3:30 am.

Tuesday, I paid for acting like Monday was a Saturday. I woke up thinking maybe I had finally gotten to violate me since I woke up without pants or underwear on my couch, but then I looked at my phone and came to the conclusion that I probably wouldn't have sent him text messages if he and I were consummating my craziness. So I guess I stripped myself on the couch. All day I moved from one couch to another. I suffered extreme hangover symptoms, I prayed to die...but I lived to see another day. And thankfully, it was a very productive Wednesday, complete with boring doctor's appointments and errands. Whooo hooo.

Wednesday, Chelle got fed up with Co-Worker and informed me that it would be Stress Relief Wednesesday. We headed out to thitwbar and were immediated accosted by a very drunken, very smiley, nice woman. Kick me now...she wanted our numbers because she didn't have friends in the area...so I grab a coaster and I write my number down, I hand it to Chelle but it was intercepted by Derek who wrote out a fake number for her! Damn, so I'll be getting all the calls. Chelle and I played some music since the bar was so dead...and we looked our darndest for Kelly Clarkson's "Since You Been Gone!" (since Derek was able to sing every word of it...we wanted to bust his pirate street cred wide open). Unfortunately, it wasn't on there. Derek also informed me that he went swimming with lesbians on Tuesday night. I was intrigued by this but then with a sly smile he said, "They didn't want anything to do with me...and I wasn't sleazy enough to ask them to make out for me. So really, I just went swimming with two girls." I didn't know what to say so I just smiled and said, "Well that sounds like a lot of fun Der." which in translation really said, "Derek, stop telling me about lesbian girls and have sex with me." Luckily, Derek doesn't know Melinanese so he just nodded happily.

By 11, Chelle forced me out of the door and made me go home because she's smart and leaves no one behind in the bar! I came home and got some texts from Bob, inviting me over to his pool, his bed and anywhere else I would've liked to go. I might've considered it, had I been able to drive...but had I been sober I guess I wouldn't have considered it at all. So I just sent some teasing texts back, talked to some guy on the phone who called me (I'm not totally sure who he was) and then I headed up to bed by 2:30am and went to bed knowing thankfully, I would be hangover free.

So that's that, nothing too exciting or anything. My friend Nikki has just invited me to go to Las Vegas for a couple of days. I'm considering it. Can Sin City handle me? Hmm, I wonder ;) No seriously, it's more of a cash issue since I have to throw Cr's bridal shower in about three weeks!

I have nothing good to post...well I do, but I don't have much time. I will give you all the updates tomorrow. I was just holding you guys hostages for comments. I'll freely admit it, I'm a comment whore and I rarely get more than three. So, if I hold out on the posts I get 8! Whoo hoo. I'm easily pleased. Tonight, it's to thitwbar.

Chelle has given up on Co-worker and has decided that he's a total wanker (we decided that was the best descriptor for him). So we'll booze it up a little, and commiserate. Derek should be so lucky that he's going to see us. I'm sure he'll just shake his head and cry when we walk in the door. I can't wait to catch up on all the goings ons in your lives and whatnot! Muah!

So this weekend was fairly awash...I'm not saying at times it wasn't fun but it really wasn't a WEEKEND weekend, if you know what I'm saying. However, let me go through the details in point form.
Friday
1. I was a designated driver on Friday night so no alcohol for me. No it wasn't noble of me. I'm super poor right now. I think the $225 tattoo might've had something to do with that!

2. My friends were wasted with a capital W...in fact, we almost got kicked out of the one bar that we went to.

3. Went to our old "hang out bar" before I fell in love with Der...I mean thitwbar! We realized that we're getting older because the music sucked and the people there looked like they may have been 16 at the oldest.

4. We moved on to thitwbar...although we left Ry behind because he wanted to "look for pussy because I'm the only single guy in the group!" So we left the cat seeker behind and moved on. [ed. note Ry is not usually such a lech...he's in desperate need for a gf because he's got a crazy sex drive. And I know what you're thinking. No, Ry and I do not want to date each other or have sex with each other...call it preferences].

5. Went to thitwbar and I was mocked by the bartenders. They pulled out a lovely Molson Golden and placed it in front of me before I could say that "I'm driving." When I told them that I couldn't drink it, they began to giggle. I mean truly laugh out loud, slap hands on their knees and such until...they realized I wasn't kidding. Then they got worried that the world was going to end,"taking note of the date and time for posterities sake and whatnot". I rolled my eyes at their shenanigans and ordered a Diet Coke.

6. Talked to Derek for a few moments at most. He shaved himself a mohawk, it's cute...it's not a full mohawk (meaning it's not shaved fully to the skin on the sides, which is good in my book because that reminds me of Deniro in Taxi Driver. Did I ever tell you that my dad looked like Robert Deniro, especially when Deniro played Travis Bickle...scary huh?). What can I say? Derek could probably wear a bag on his head and still be attractive in my eyes. My favorite line of the conversation was this, "Guess who woke up on the bathroom floor and was late for work again Thursday?" I looked around and said..."Well, I don't work in the summer and I didn't wake up on the floor, Michelle was down on the couch with some boy...so I guess it was you!" He nodded and then told me he blamed me. I blamed the Jamieson.

7. Talked/Laughed hysterically with Tash at the bar...she's a riot and we don't see nearly enough of each other.

8. I was home by 12:30 am. In fact when I said my goodbyes to Derek and Jack, Derek looked at the clock and then looked at me again with an amused smile on his face. I'm sure he was relieved that I wasn't hitting on him or inviting him back to my house for more board game action (the only action he gives me).

9. Got a booty call from Todd! (that's where the moths to a flame thing comes in!) I listened to his message at 1:30am and I didn't call him back. Nor did I take his suggestion and "call him back late Saturday night" either...um hi, guess the girlfriend is out of town this weekend? Remind me that he's unctuous ok? Whenever I say I might sleep with him, remind me that he should crawl around on his belly. (although if I get desperate...I can't be blamed).

10. Got a booty call from Matty. I didn't call him back either. And let me tell you...it's not me getting all mature or anything...I was feeling fat. I think I may have to cut the Molsons out of my plan and skip to light beer for a little. I'm not necessarily getting fat, but I'm definitely filling out in my boobs (fine...) and my seat (getting to the point where it won't be fine soon!!!) This is the other reason why I didn't drink this weekend.
Saturday
11. Saturday I did very little. I went to the gym, I hung out with my mom, showed my mom my tattoo, mom and I discused how I need to find a guy who's "in to me" and not just someone that I like...then she said, "I just wished he loved you the way you like him and I just nodded morosely agreeing. But she told me I can pine for him for the rest of the time that he's here and for a month afterwards...(she knows I need a timeline, otherwise I'd pine forever). Later that evening I got all made up and then found out that I wasn't going out (which was fine). I read my book, nerded it up online, and did some actual Work work and again I was in bed early although I couldn't sleep until 4am.

Sunday
12.I went to breakfast with Chelle and then we decided to hit the movies.

13. We saw Batman Begins. And I loved it. I loved getting to "learn" (as a comic geek, I already knew) all about Bruce Wayne. I loved the fact that it wasn't totally hammy. I loved the fact that Christian Bale was in the movie...he was a dashing and handsome Bruce Wayne and an impressive Batman. I enjoyed how they handled the fight scenes, I only wish they hadn't done that technique with ALL of them. I liked the bad guys...and the bad guy twist. I loved the actor who played Dr. Crane/the Scarecrow. I'm not totally sure why...because he's prettier than I am and possibly more graceful and ladylike than me (not usually my style) but he was hot. Kinda reminded me of James Spader in an odd sort of way. My favorite part though, and we've all gone through this with me before...I appreciated the connections/the pain that kept coming up for Bruce for missing his parents, specifically his father. You don't need to be Freud to understand the connections I was making there. In fact, I got teary eyed at one point.

Well that's enough rambling about my weekend...how was yours?

If you want to know how this all started go down two posts.

Matty just left message #3. at 12:00am.

"Girl, what are you doing? I know you don't have to work tomorrow. So whadya say? It sounds good to me...let's get all freaky-deaky...you know how I get down. C'mon mama, I've been missing that body of yours." (he doesn't typically talk like a pimp from the '70's)

and I smiled, it's nice to feel wanted...even if I'm being wanted by a drunken lothario, and I prepped for bed. I will call him tomorrow, during the day just to harass him about his messages...and uh, maybe schedule something that might be more convenient for me.

Decisions.
Derek...
Sweet and wonderful....
Not interested....
Denver...
Matty...
Horny bastard...
wants me to be his personal porn star (which I've done willingly)...
Cornfield...

I'm conflicted for no reason.

Help me! For the love of all that's holy...Matty has called me four times since the last call. And he left another message--somewhat incoherent (aww he thinks so much of me when he's drunk- uh yeah right!) That said something like, "Stranger it's been a long time. I don't know if you're still interested, but I am. Maybe I'll just stop by and knock on your door." I'll admit, I did change the sheets. I did take a shower but I stopped short. I put the razor down and thought to myself, "Maybe I want to do this, but maybe I don't." Let's just hope that he doesn't come a knockin' because I don't know if I have that kind of willpower.

Just say it with me, my mantra to keep my panties on--Derek, Derek, Derek...wait, that man isn't interested in me...and Matty's only interested in one part of me (although at one time he was interested in more...).

Oh and I just saw my ass in the mirror and it's not looking as cute as it did, say a week ago. I think I know where all the Molson Goldens have been going ;) I'm staying at the gym for hours tomorrow...then maybe I'll call Matty.

Last night I saw Matty (remember him? My old Wednesday night standby...) out with a bunch of people. One particular person that he was hanging out with stood out to me...ok I'm going to sound very harsh now, she looked like a total crack whore! She was ultra skinny (which is fine...if it's a natural occurrence), she had the single worst fried perm, yellowish/orange hair and she was hanging on Matty and two other guys in rotation. I couldn't tell if they were together or whatever but I did notice that when we were saying hello to each other in passing I heard her ask in a bitchy tone, "Who's that?" I didn't get to hear what Matty said, although I wish I had! I had assumed that Matty and his girl ahem, my replacement had broken up because I saw her out on Monday with another guy... And I was wondering how long he was going to wait to call me, and I was wondering what I was going to do if he did call. Well at 10:53, he rang. I let my voice mail pick it up. His raspy voice whispered in my ear, "Hey stranger. Call me. No games. Call. Here's the number..." And here I sit. Excited to hear his voice, disappointed in myself for wanting him (again), thinking about Derek...even though nothing's going on there--you know. And the biggest part of this decision? I would need to take a shower because I'm greasy...and I have no motivation. For the shower or the marathon of sex that would surely follow. Don't get me wrong, I could handle a run in the sheets right about now...but...it's never just a mile jog it's the full marathon. Am I seriously complaining about that? I need to go to bed.

4:22am to Derek: I'm sorry Derek, I didn't want to make you feel weird. I was just drunk.

4:24am to Melina: It's ok. I just get weird when I get drunk...that's why I had to leave.

4:25 am to Derek: Now Chelle is complaining about my dog's hair (which she wasn't...the pup had an "accident" in the guest room and that's what she was talking about).

Notice a) there's a whole of "weird" being thrown around. I think if we change the word weird in these statements to "hunted down like a piece of meat" it makes a lot more sense.

Notice b) he was definitely scared that I was going to get him in the sack.

Notice c) that the third text had absolutely nothing to do with anything...

Wondering: Is he seriously just a really nice guy who doesn't want a fling with his friend? Is he merely not interested (I don't believe this one for a second... we have chemistry...don't we Chelle?)? Is he afraid that I'll tie him to Pennsylvania and make him stay (which I won't, I would visit him in Co and then eventually move there if things were good for us...ha ha don't you love how I make these plans...when I barely made any headway with him up until the past few months). Is he just plain crazy? Is it a combo of the above? Is he scared because I'm sooo crazy (a definite possibility...but I know he loves me (as a friend at least))

He paid me the nicest compliment when talking to Chelle last night. After he received his hoodie I went upstairs to grab beers and he said, "I've known M for under a year and already she's given me the two greatest gifts I've ever gotten." Chelle, knowing me (for her entire life) nodded and replied, "She's good like that. She's a great gift giver."

He also accepts the fact that I'm a total moron. Monday night when I was ridiculous in the bar throwing things at him and whatnot? He didn't even bring it up last night. Nor did he bring up the drunken texts from that night either. In fact, he sent me an email telling me that my text messages were always amusing and that they made him smile.

Finally folks, I can say that the flirtation is there...at least I think. Actually this whole silly thing has been an experience in getting to know someone, really well. So well in fact that we kicked Chelle and Random Jason's ass at Catchphrase! We were able to easily make associations using inside jokes and whatnot. It felt nice. It felt like he knew me really well too. Chelle complained/pouted saying, "I don't ever want to play this game with you two again!" Derek's response? "That's because you're just not any good at it!" Ah such tact. And this is the end of my rose-colored-glasses-Derek is wonderful post. Thanks for suffering this fool with such gentle patience.

I am worth $1,931,882 on HumanForSale.com

Yesterday I took Chelle up to get her tattoo (sorry Jason and sorry to all the other males who I'm now talking their mates into getting more). It looks absolutely gorgeous...worth every minute of the two and half hours that it took!! Poor kid. When we were done with her tat we came home and she said that she could use a beer since she couldn't sit down and she was in major pain. This was not just "a simple tattoo" it was painful--on her side/stomach and moving towards her back.

We decided to go to thitwbar because remember my own tat therapy was to get drunk and to get laid...well Chelle said she settle for the drunk part. Most of the evening was uneventful but when Der got off work it was fun. We played darts! Chelle and some random hot boy named Jason were a team and Der and I were a team. We kicked ass. Actually, we pulled a win out of our asses at the very end of the game. And by "we" I mean Derek.

Then we convinced Random Jason and Derek to come home with us and play Catchphrase! Yes, I know...I have the mental genius of a five year old. I got to ride in Derek's "new" '84 Stang...now that the tram bus from the airport smashed his truck ( a sign he should stay in PA, even though he says it's a sign that he should go to CO). So they came back and we got more drunk...Derek was drinking the dregs of the Jamison bottle which confused me and befuddled me. He's not one I see drinking shots of Jamison, sorry pookie. I was fine when we left the bar...it was here in the privacy of my own basement bar that I got lit.

We played Catchphrase sporadically. It was kind of hard since Chelle, Random Jason and I were wasted and Derek was mostly drunk. But when we did play it was magical...Derek and I rocked the house we were so good. Derek made fun of our mixed CD that Chelle and I made--but then sang along. He made me giggle that he LOVES the Kelly Clarkson song, "Since You've Been Gone"...he also said that he LOVED my Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs and my Tegan and Sara songs...he made fun of my Social D songs but he made up for it by singing all the words with me. He also sang the Blower's Daugher a capella with me. Why doesn't he want to have 10,000 babies with me? I'm still trying to figure that out myself...

I gave him his sweatshirt. He liked it a lot. I didn't get him to make out with me like I envisioned. I had it all planned out...oh wait it just went like this (dream sequence begins) *blowers daugher plays* I hand him the hoodie and uncontrollably he can't keep his hands off me *trashy music like "take it off" by the Donnas begins to play...we get naked...etc. I need him to start realizing that he's a kept man...and well the sweatshirt was $90 with all the bells and whistles that I added to it. So, like a good prom date...I'm expecting that he puts out in the next couple o' weeks.

So 4:30 am rolled around and Random Jason, Derek and Chelle all needed to go to bed since they had to go to work today. I tried cajoling them to stay up but they had valid points such as, "I already got sent home from work because of you...well that and because I was still drunk" (Derek). So then I did something very assinine. Derek said he had to go home and so I popped up (albeit mostly wobbly popped up) and said, "I'm going to go with you!" And so I followed him out to his 'Stang (sorry I can't help it...it's so lame that I feel like I'm in love with Vic Damone) and at the 'Stang I said, "I won't try to sex you up, I just want to sleep next to you." (who says sex you up other than that really bad band from the early '90's?) And Derek said, "M, any time other than tonight I would say yes but I can't sleep with someone next to me and I'm not so sure that we wouldn't...I just need to get some sleep I have to be at work so early." I got a dejected look on my face, but still argued my case because when drunk I have no shame (especially when I have a goal in mind). Derek reiterated, "Another time, we could totally cuddle (I doubt he said totally, I'm the only Pennsylvanian that uses it in her everyday vernacular,but he did say cuddle), but tonight I need to get some sleep. Besides, you snore." I giggled, through the impending beer tears and walked back to the house.

At least Chelle made out with Random Jason. She says that she remained "good" though because of her new tat Lady Luck I'm thinking it was more due to the fact that it was painful to move her torso ;) I went to bed and sent Derek dumb text messages until I fell asleep...because I'm cool like that.

Well Big Heavy wanted to know how Derek enjoyed Denver. As much as I wanted to be selfish and wanted to hope he had a bad time...deep down I wanted him to have a good experience and find a niche in his new city. And he did.

On Monday I was so excited to see him and the inside of thitwbar that Ry and I ran over there (I don't have to work remember...so every day is a weekend for me!!) and I proceded to make a total ass of myself. I think it was due in part to the fact that it was $1 mug night and part in the fact that I think I am just a total ass. When Der came to sit next to me during a lull in the kitchen orders I said to him, "Derek you look so tan, very swarthy, very hott." Do I have a filter? Nope, obviously not. He takes all this with a grain of salt and tells me about all the cool stuff he saw, things he did (hang out at the zoo for four hours!), consoled a woman who thought the prairie dogs were going to bite her, visited his school, saw internship possibilites (one being at the animal er that is featured on Animal Planet!!), got an apartment lined up and so on and so forth.

The night continued into drunkeness (I do lead a productive life during the day I swear...but a life of debauchery at night out of sheer boredom) and I continued to show Derek why it would be best that he move to Denver ASAP. I remember at one point throwing change at him! Oh boy. Well I've done my best to remember and now forget that evening...and so shall we all. (that's an edict people).

My tattoo is still pretty sore, but it scabbed up nicely and it's starting to peel (the way it should)a little but all in all, it looks fabulous. This evening I'm taking Chelle up to get hers. When we went on Saturday to get mine, there just wasn't enough time for her to get hers. In fact, Rob (her tattooist) said that he "really takes his time" so her tattoo may take twice as long as mine did (bless you Juan, bless you!).

After the tat, we will probably stop in at thitwbar for a couple of beers since it's Wing Night, but I'm going to behave myself and Chelle will probably be a little uncomfortable.

In my drunken state I procured a promotional Jagermeister hat off of Derek. I said to him, "Der, I want that fancy Jagermeister shot glass" (that was so elegantly taped to the top of the cash register). He shook his head no and said that the owner liked the look of them there and that he couldn't give it away. He reached under the counter and threw a trucker cap at me. This is now the third thing he's given me-- his own hat off his head, a leather cuff bracelet that I admired on his wrist and now some weird promo item. Derek I think I've asked for sex on occasion, why can't you give that up as easily?

Things that make you go hmmm.

Oh and Der saw prairie dogs while in Denver...who's sooo jealous??? Now if only I could get him to give me one of those...and a Meir cat I think I would be happy. OOOhhh and a seal! or a sea lion...

So today I received in the mail my final parting gift for my suburban pirate, soon to be urban pirate. I made him a very cool hoodie made of course at Neighborhoodies. It's times like these that I wish I had my camera back because then I would photograph my back, the sweatshirt...and goodness knows what else ;) I think he's going to love it because it's got his very distinctive pirate moniker on the front in white overlayed with red lettering (no, I won't share his pirate name with you. Not even for a quarter) and an awesomely stitched red skull and crossbones on the back.

Oh my little pirate. I'm going to miss you so much...you're such a peach. (groaning) God, it's going to be a long, long month...but not long enough at all.

In other news my sweet sweet pirate had to take his lipring out for school. He still looks adorable but it was such a part of him. Me being suave as ever said, "You took your lip out." He just smiled and patted me on the head.

So I don't post or check in on people and people worry. I wish I could say I was out solving the problem of world hunger and peace but in fact this is not the case. Here's what happened to me:

Friday
1. I decided to be the designated driver for my friends. I rarely DD but it was a nice favor I could do for them.

2. My friends are loud, drunken buffoons and I love them for it! I have never had such a good time, especially when surrounded by drunken louts. But they're my drunken louts so it was a fabulous time!

3. In the course of our discussions Tash and I found out that Chelle had never been to our local strip club. We decided to remedy this. In fact, we screamed to our guy friends..."C'mon, we're going to the titty bar!" at the top of our lungs. Some guy stood up and gave us a round of applause for being the "coolest chicks ever" at which point his girlfriend stood up and punched him in the arm. We being the "coolest chicks ever" skipped out of the bar singing/chanting..."Titty bar...titty bar...titty bar."

4. The titty bar was fairly uneventful. It's not a bar where you'd intimidated by the naked beauty displayed in front of you...in fact you would think, " I could probably work here and make more money then some of these ladies..."

5. I packed my friends up and headed up to Ry's new house. Once there we settled down to a nice rousing game of Trivial Pursuit. It was at this time I was finally able to drink a little but even still I had an unfair advantage and I kicked all their asses. We were up until about five and then we finally called it quits and went to bed.

Saturday

1. Woke up hangover free and feeling fine!

2. Went to brunch, I was the only one able to eat! I picked off all my friend's plates with reckless abandon...eyes closed, smile on my face as I chowed down on my turkey club sandwich.

3. Hung out with my pup and then decided to go see a man about a tattoo.

4. I decided to go with the drawing that Juan drew up for me and I proceeded with my decision. Mom, if you're reading this, don't kick my ass just yet!!! I was going to tell you...once I built up my bank account again so that it looked like I was semi-responsible. Mom, if you're not reading this...you'll see the new tattoo at Cr's wedding.

5. If I had a camera I would take a picture of it because it truly is gorgeous. I got a fairly large tattoo on my right shoulder/back. Pink lilies on a dark green vine.

6. Juan tattooed me. Juan was super HOTT. I got goosebumps the whole time he was doing his thing! I'm not even kidding. It only hurt bad at the end. Juan is about 5'6" (what the hell is it about me and short men?) sea green eyes, olive skin and jet black hair. You better believe that I will go back to continue the tat and get the opportunity to sit another 2 hours topless with Juan.

7. Went out with my friends Chelle, Missy and Brian. We ended up at the FQB because thitwbar was still closed for vacation (booo).

8. At the FQB I was talking the owner and he said to me, "Have you ever met my friend Billy?" I said yes I had and then he asked how I knew Bill. I took an audible breath and said, "Well one time I ended up hanging out with him, this girl, Chelle and the adorable skinhead. I didn't realize that the girl was Billy's girlfriend. Well, Bill decided to hit on me and caress my thighs and whatnot while I was waxing poetic about the hat the Derek had given me that night. The girlfriend did not take kindly to the fact that her boyfriend was molesting me and promptly kicked me out of the house. So that's pretty much how I know Bill." The owner laughed and said, "Yeah, he has a thing for you. (leans in to conspire) I think he wants to stick his dick in you." Because I was drunk (a slight bit beyond comfortably numb), this statement didn't offend me or seem slightly odd. In fact I think I said, "Oh ok...well maybe later." PS. The girlfriend and Billy have since broken up...that's key to this story.

9. At some point Chelle got me to pull my shirt basically off so that I could show the tattoo off to someone (I'm blaming this on her...I'm sure that I just pulled my shirt off!) and Billy came over and said, "I think you need to put more neosporin on it. Do you need some?" Like Macguyver he whipped out a tube of Neosporin and begin massaging it into my tattoo...and that's when I knew...I would be getting naked with Billy later that night.

10. We came back to my house. Missy was our DD but got locked out of the bar when she went outside to puke and get some air...she tried calling my phone, she tried banging on the door...and after 15 minutes of no one missing her--she left. We got a ride home with someone from the bar, bringing Billy home with us.

11. Cuddling on the lounge chair outside on the deck ensued. Somehow I made it to my bedroom... and I wasn't alone.

Sunday

12. Woke up in the morning and realized that yes indeed I had gotten naked with Billy.

13. Wanted to get even more naked with him again (a euphemism, as I was already as naked as can be).

14. Dog wanted to go out...I put on a t shirt only, forgetting that I have next door neighbors. Hungover, I walked outside with my dog bottomless. I got a dazed wave from my very wonderful neighbors. At least the shirt was slightly long...

15. While I was outside, Chelle ushered all the people who crashed on the couch (and the one who crashed in my bed) from my home and drove them home. No one came outside to tell me...perhaps because they didn't know where I was.

16. Didn't get to say goodbye to Billy or to give him my number...or get him naked again.

17. Suffered from a debilitating hangover paired with the pain from uhhhh, ummm my tattoo experiencing too much friction too early in the healing process. (Should've been on top damn it).

18. And that dear friends is why I have neglected you and the blogosphere as a whole. I've been drunk and getting laid...it's all a very new experience for me. Ha ha ha... I'm sorry. I'm a bad, bad girl.

Well y'all, it was bound to happen. I think Derek found the blog. I came to this conclusion when I was looking at the searches for the site...um, they were very specific; such as "Chelle co worker pee". It may just be paranoia but it might not be. I told Chelle about it as we went to get tatted up and we were both freaked! Yup! I got a new tattoo. Pink lilies on a vine on my right shoulder/back to my bra strap...I think I'm going to do the same thing on the other shoulder next month ummm when I have more money. I love it although it hurts like a bitch right now.

So back to Derek...um Der? If you're reading this...obviously, I like you. A lot (hi understatement of the year). If it freaks you out, sorry. I didn't mean it to be creepy. I just think you're one of the greatest people I have ever met, and hanging out with you is one of my greatest pleasures.

Ok the rest of you folks, I have updates for you about life in general but I've got the hangover of the century right now. (it's the price you pay when you DD'd the night before... everyone gets all grateful and shit and pours liquor down your throat!)

Chelle banged Co-worker and somehow found time to get drunk avec moi! To the people (that means you), from Chelle, is how do you turn banging into a relationship? We spent many an hour, and many a beer on this very question. Obviously, I'm not the expert on the answer to this question.

Actually, our bar conversation was fairly hilarious because...Chelle, could only talk about Co-worker...trying to figure out how she could entice him into actually hanging out with her. She's pretty much just excited that she hit the milestone of having "sober sex" with him. For some (or most) that's a normal occurence, but for some of us...we are wimps and we wait for the drunken bang.

The conversation was rediculously converse. She would talk about Co-worker, I would talk about how much I miss Derek and how incredibly gay (in a non sexual) way. Basically, it was a fragmented converation. We were saved however by my awesome jukebox playlist that I came up with. Hey, it's no thitwbar (they are closed for a week)...but I played an ok mix (derek is in charge of the jukebox at thitwbar and I get an awesome mix of songs because a) he's ecclectic and b) he listen to my suggestions as to which songs/bands to add). Here's what I played:
1. The Bravery- An honest mistake
2. The Killers- Change your mind and Mr Brightsides
3. Elvis Costello! Angels want to wear my red shoes and Watching the Detectives (might be might fav song ever)
4. The Used- we can't remember the song but it was good and angry
5. The Donnas!- Take it off! (that's my song bitches)
6. Jet- Are You Going to be my girl- because well....I have big black boots and long dark hair...need I say more?
7. Johnny Cash~ I walk the line. (me and johnny cash are like this)
8. Rancid- Radio
9. Social Distortion~ Story of My Life (I played it twice I was so happy with it!!)

This is Chelle now and I have to say all of you, you have no clue how much this girl means to me. Some people in the world will only have a clue what it is to have a true friend like M. Not only is she the one person who will say what is on her mind but she will say what is on yours and make it all better. I love her like a sister and anyone who doesn't can bite me (hard but I like that!!).

And that was our night...in fragments. Notice that we didn't talk about men...about J coming into the bar with a very lovely lady or Todd coming in twice? Yeah, they were totally unimportant in our quests to a) be better friends and b) have better relationships with the men we already have pledged our hearts to.

PS. I had no idea what Chelle was posting because I was pissing but it was heartening. We weren't always such good friends. But I appreciate the fact that we are now.
and well I played a billion other songs but I can't remember them but they were all awesome hits and did well with the crowd.

1. "new pants" chlamydia. Um friend, I'm sorry to tell you that new pants are not the cure to your ailment. Seek out a doctor and a nice friendly dose of antibiotics. But hey, at least you got new pants out of the deal. Now keep 'em on!

2. Show me how to wrestle a fat woman. Well now see, I would assume that you would do it in a similar manner as wrestling a skinny woman. It's all about leverage. And um, good luck with that.

3. Triplet and twins sisters sex and fuck. Whoa there tiger! That's quite a large order you're trying to cook up. And why all the incest? And why the multiple births. You're a sick fuck, that's what you are. Oh and by the by, sex and fuck? They're the same thing pookie.

4. Chelle Stack and condoms. Well Chelle is stacked and she does use condoms. She's a very smart girl because she can't afford new pants or chlamydia.

5. Vidaco de la pub pour pepsi avec Drew Fuller. Ooook. Hmm. I think someone wants to go have a pepsi at the bar with Drew Fuller. It sounds like a good enough plan to me...except skip the Pepsi and go right for the Molson Golden.

6. Why I shouldn't talk to my ex-boyfriend. Well I'm not sure...I talk to my ex boyfriends all the time...and then I have sex with them...and then I get mad at them because they choose to go back to their girlfriends. Actually, I know why you shouldn't talk to your ex-boyfriend- he's probably an asshole.

7. Derek Cornfield. Ah, it just rolls off the tongue doesn't it. I guess Derek and Denver go together pretty well too (bah). I think Derek and Melina would extremely well together...living in sin, banging like screen doors, living in holy matrimony--you name it, we'd go like peanut butter and marshmallow fluff!

8. Girls who like to have men watch them pee. Hey, whatever you're into...I have to say it's better than the R. Kelly golden shower route but really? I like to keep my pee to myself. You know the old phrase, "bang all you want but keep a little mystery dear". That's what my grandmother always said and you know, she's right. I think she even stitched me that little motto on a cross-stitch thingy.

9. Life Aquatic Boobs. "Vivid Video? Hi, it's Melina...No, I'm not going to do porn for you. Yes, I know I'm talented but NO. I do have a fabulous title for a new movie though...it's Life Aquatic Boobs. Basically your hookers, um I mean actresses could go chasing after a shark who ate their friends and then they could bang it! Hello? Hello? Did you just hang up on me (tone)"

10. Booty Call+ Romp+Jake+twilight zone. Hmm. It sounds like you and Jake will have a very interesting evening. In the Twilight Zone (cue creepy theme music). By the way, you don't need to be in the twilight zone to have a "booty call romp" with Jake. I'm sure a phone call will suffice. In fact, perhaps I will call Jake.

11. thitw password. I believe the password is, "I need to get drunk and I have money!" No, no silly, the beauty of dive bars is that they are not exclusive clubs...it's the place where we misfits, drunks and gorgeous girls who like the cook are located. No password required. Hell, half the time shirts aren't required.

12. Strip Foosball. DON'T DO IT. It sounds like fun, doesn't it? Well it hurts. When you lose miserably (happily) and you are in the victor's arms and he's bending you backwards across the table and those damn foosball players stab at you back and ass...you'll think of me. I had the strangest bruises in the world after that night. The nice thing is that no one will know what caused these bruises because they are strangely shaped and resemble nothing.

13. Mephiskapheles t-shirt. It's my favorite t shirt. I've had it for about 13 years. It says, "God Bless Satan" on it and that freaks people out, as does the rooster devil thing on the front of it. They are an awesome band and I'm glad that you, whoever you are found my page. Come back and marry me if you'd like...oh and if you find out where we can get more shirts let me know...mine is basically a rag.

14. Saying beer in different languages. sadly I only know cervasa...but you my friend have opened my eyes to the opportunity to improve myself. I will learn more names for beer in foreign languages because that will be the only thing I will need to know in other countries. I thank you. My friends thank you, and my mom is shaking her head saying, "Why me?"

Ahhh I just looove these searches. Thank you blogpatrol, you rock my world.

When your one friend Ry goes up to Chelle and asks, "She's not serious about this going to Colorado to follow Derek business is she?" and then Chelle says... "I'm not totally sure, but I don't think so." But I'll just let you all know, if he asked, even as a friend...I'd go in a heartbeat. Job, friends and school be damned. Hey, it worked for Felicity. What's that? Felicity was a fictional tv character. Oh you're so negative.

Chelle: It's really too bad we didn't have any pecans to throw at him..." (in reference to the idea that she once had for me to "keep" Der around, in which I would throw pecans at him through a dog cage...don't ask.)

(two minutes later)

Me: Ooh Derek...how do you feel about Pecans?
Derek: I don't like them.
Me: (under my breath) Damn!
Derek: Why?
Me: No reason, just asking questions.
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Me: Derek I don't even know why you wear those glasses...they don't do anything!
Chelle: Yeah! What are you just trying to look smart?
Me: (under my breath) Good luck with that one!
Derek: Hey! You're so mean...I have an astigmatism.
Me: So your one eyeball is shaped like a football?
Derek; Huh? What? I don't know...(flings off glasses into bush at 4 am)
Me: You're a moron.
Derek: Oh yeah? Well...
Me: Let's just find your stupid glasses dummyhead
Derek and Melina search frantically in the bushes but alcohol prevented them from being able to find them.
Derek: Well...we're just going to have to stop at my house and get my other pair.
Me: You have another pair? How very cosmopolitan of you...I've been wearing glasses since 6th grade and I only ever had one pair.
Derek: Yeah but how many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: (looking down at the hottest pair of clearance hot pink adidas suede sneakers) Not that many...
Derek: When did you get those?
Me: The other day but they were on clearance at Dick's Sporting Goods for sixteen dollars and no one's going to pass up these sexy bitches...
Derek:I would've, they're pink
Me: Well spoken like a man who owns those (makes gagging noises)green suede sneakers...I don't think you should be casting stones Der.
Derek: Don't talk to me...you're mean.
Me: And you my friend are a punk ass bitch.
Ronnie or possibly someone else: You're both idiots who both appear to own suede sneakers. Quit the bickering.
***As you read this...Derek travelled a gazillion miles away without finding his glasses. I would've cried***
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Derek to his friend who I can't remember his name: She's the one who made the pirate shirt for me.
Friend: Oh that was a really cool shirt, what happened to it?
Me: (blushing)
Derek: She was afraid someone from here was going to steal it so she stole it back
Me: Uh yeah...It was really expensive.
Derek: You never told me that...
Me: Derek, it was really expensive...but you're worth it.
Friend: Shit this is getting too deep for my blood (walks into house)
Derek: So it was expensive huh?
Me: Shut up, you're gay.
Derek: That didn't stop you from looking down my pants last week...
Several boys: Huh?
Me: Nothing. It was nothing. Derek's taking psychotropic drugs again.
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Ronnie: Someone get that big ass mosquito. It's going to suck my blood!
Me: Just your blood? Give me something to kill it with.
Derek: No one's killing anything! (flies up and attempts to gallantly save the stupid mosquito and somehow loses it)
Ronnie: Greeeaaat! Now we're all going to get....
Chelle: West Nile Virus
Derek: (nods enthusiastically) Yeah.
Me: should've just killed the bastard.
Ronnie: Who? Derek or the mosquito?
Me: That's debatable at this point.
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Derek to Chelle: So was it awkward when you went up to Co-worker's house for the hookup? Did you think, "Shit this guy's going to pee on me?"
Chelle: It wasn't awkward or anything but...well, at one point I was thinking about the things you and M were saying.
Me: Awww, isn't that sweet? She thought of us while she was boning Co-worker.
Derek: He so totally peed on you didn't he?
Chelle: Shut up.
(then she had to explain the whole story to the four boys that were standing slack jawed in the room...as her face got redder and redder)
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Derek (itching ankle covered in poison ivy): Itchy
Me: Stop itching (slaps at his hand)! You're going to spread it all over yourself, you moron!
Derek: Don't hit me, or I'll give it to you...(moves ankle in a menacing manner towards me)
Melina: Well moron, you can't give me poison ivy...it doesn't spread person to person.
Derek: Yes it does.
Chelle: No it doesn't. You could spread it to her if you had the oil on you still and transferred it that way.
Ronnie: I feel like I'm on the Learning Channel or something.
Derek: Well I'll just go find some poison ivy leaves and rub them all over you!
Me: I once had poison ivy so bad all over my face...I looked like the Elephant Man
Derek: The Elephant Man was fucking awesome!
Me: Yeah but not when you're in 7th grade and you look like him.
Derek: Yeah, I guess I could see that.
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Me: (pointing rudely across the bar) That's Derek's roommate, the one with the big moustache.
Chelle: (recoils) That's an ugly moustache
Derek: (fly around the bar from where he should be working and sits down) Yeah I hate that fucking moustache! But he's awesome!
Chelle: M was just saying that she wanted to go for a moustache ride!
Me: I didn't say I wanted to ride that moustache!
Derek's roommate: hey!
In Unison: Hey. (and attempt not to laugh as we all stare at the moustache)

***So did anyone notice my 6th grade behavior of being mean to the boy that I like? Yeah me too...I promise to tone it down a little.***

"Well I made it here, and I'm safe and sound." The simple text message made the constricting feeling around my heart lift a little...only six more days until he comes back.

Chelle showed at my house at around 8 so that we could go to dinner. Apparently, sex has shrunk Chelle's stomach. She attempted to put food in her gullet but it didn't work. She said,"I think all this sex has shrunken my stomach." (she and Co-worker have been on sex spree that puts 9 1/2 Weeks to shame!)And this people, is the logic I have to deal with...I ate with no problem. But then again, there hasn't been any sex for me lately. But hey, I'm holding out for a hero...or at the very least, a man who thinks he's a pirate--even though we live in landlocked Pennsylvania. Oh my bad, he'll be landlocked in Colorado while I am landlocked in Pennsylvania.

From dinner we went to thitbar. I know, I know...it's a shock really. The true question is...how do you get drunk when you haven't been sober since Thursday? That's one for the zen masters out there. Because of Chelle's "shrunken sex stomach" she was having trouble drinking her beer so as a true drunk she alleviated the problem by ordering us shots...oh about every five minutes. I think I was drunk within seconds. Wait, I was drunk when I got there.

There were some crazy characters at the bar...more so than usual. It must've been the holiday that brought them out. One such interesting individual was Zachary. Zachary carried a book bag around in the bar which he claimed to be full of porn. While Chelle was in the bathroom Zachary asked me how much whipped cream it would take to get my panties...I didn't realize that other people knew that I like to eat whipped cream from the can. Oh! (slapping forehead) he wanted to do sex things with that whipped cream...oh. That makes sense now. At the time though, I just gave Zachary a weird look and began talking to someone else. Someone without a bookbag. However, Chelle was not so lucky. After about ten minutes of conversation I look over and Chelle has a drawing. A Zachary original actually. I think he fancied him an artist...but I sure didn't. The drawing was laughable last night and this morning it looks like an autistic child drew it.

At about 1:30 Chelle, Hot Ronnie and I were scrambling to figure out something to do. At this point, I was drinking water with a bendy straw because I was that drunk. In fact, I asked Derek for some water and then sent him back for a bendy straw...because when you're drunk...you need a bendy straw. Hmm what other embarassing things did I do? Oh I may have written on the dry erase board in large letters ANAL BY DEREK 50 CENTS but that's because I'm classy...really, that's the only reason why. We decided to go over to Hot Ronnie's house.

It did not turn out to be the party that Ronnie was hoping for...um...it was Chelle, Ronnie, his roommate, some random guy myself and...that's right, my boyfriend (I'm allowed to use the term loosely people as long as I know that it's a joke) Derek. We are all such nerds that we played this homemade game of Ronnie's. What we did was put the tv on the music stations. Derek was our game show host. He would tell us what musical category we were going into (Modern Rock, Rap etc) and then we would hear the song and the first person to be able to name the title and artist got the point. Who won? That's right bitches...it was me (polishing nails on shirt and blowing on them).

After everyone was a sore fucking loser (which they all were), Ronnie played us a little acoustic guitar. He was guitar shy though because Derek was there. Typically, Ronnie is the king of "chick music" basically it's why he gets laid left and right...but I noticed with Derek there he was trying to pull something a little more manly out of his repetoire. I just kept saying I wanted Ronnie to play Cupid by Jack Johnson which typically he plays for me by request or 9-50 times in a night. Uh yeah, last night when he was trying to impress my 5'6" pirate he refused. Even Derek was exasperated with me...he said, "Will you just play her damn Cupid song?" I don't think I got to hear it. I don't know what song I requested at this point but Ronnie said, "Oh no, you need a mandolin for that..." So of course, being Derek's biggest fan I said, "Derek can play the mandolin because he's awesome like that..." What is wrong with me? Don't answer that. Singing with Derek and Ronnie (Chelle piped up here and there) is a memory I'm going to cherish, it was so fun and well, my time singing with Derek is very limited. Unless we're going to sing to each other over the phone...with is highly unlikely because we've never actually spoken on the phone.

And then the time came. Bedtime. It was 5 something am so I guess it was bedtime...except it was the time I was dreading because Derek was leaving for Denver at 7am for seven days. He was lining up his apartment, his job and getting his class schedule. We stopped at his house on the way to my house (I'm not exactly sure why...but maybe to get his stuff for the trip??I told you I was drunk...) and he decided to give me the tour. That's right, I have never been in the church. It was really nice. Well except for the bathroom, it smelled like 6,000 guys simultaneously pissed on the floor. It was after the bathroom that it happened. I had a meltdown. I started to sob, hiccup and nearly dry heave. I sat on Derek's bed as I shook uncontrollably. I muttered miserably, "I'm soo sorry. I just don't want you to leave. I'm going to miss you so much." Despite the shell shock that I'm sure he was feeling, Derek just hugged me to his chest and said, "It's going to be alright." When my sobs slowed a little he kissed me on the forehead and soothed me a little more. Poor Derek, he's probably wondering what he did to get a crazy girl to love him so much when he does so very little to egg me on. Meanwhile, Chelle was sitting out in the truck oblivious to the sobbing that was occuring inside. I stood up and started to walk to the door and Derek said,"M wait!" I turned, hoping. I was hoping he would say, "I don't really need to go to Denver" I turned. But no, he said, "You have mascara on your cheek. I mean if you want to do an Alice Cooper that's your business but..." and then he licked his finger and wiped my cheek. And I felt selfish. I don't want him to like Denver. I want him to hate it...or at the very least I want him to miss me...but I'm pretty inconsequential in his life. And these thoughts flooded my mind and my eyes welled up again, but I didn't cry. I straightened my shoulders and said, "Well I guess you should get my ass home so that you can get to Denver, eh?" and we walked back out to the street where Chelle waited.

He dropped us off and again I had a breakdown. I didn't cry right away, I waited until Chelle went to bed. I was just sad. I can hardly even describe the sadness. I looked up his phone number and sent him a text message...just wishing him luck, I didn't hear back from him and I fell asleep next to my cell phone. And so now, I'm just missing my friend. My friend who has stolen my heart without the least bit of effort. My friend who takes such good care of me even when I'm the most exasperating person wearing my heart on my sleeve like a lunatic. My friend who has poison ivy on his ankles because he had to rescue an errant cat on a roof because he can't bear to see anything living suffer--not even for a minute. My friend who will soon live thousands of miles away from me. And most likely will cease being my friend.

Something amazing happened in the past two days. Thrilling in fact. Derek and I became friends. And let me tell you, he's the kind of friend that you wish that you had--hilarious, a riot and can lipsync/dance to music like an epileptic on crack! Only kidding, but I can honestly say that I don't think I stopped laughing until he dropped me off at my house last night at 2:30. And even then I still let the giggles escape since I was thinking about all the funny things said and done.

But wait, how do you know he's your friend now M? Excellent question...let me answer that.

Chelle and I were sleeping on the couches totally conked out because we got so little sleep. (Remember Derek wouldn't let us sleep since he had to work at 10 am and it's more painful to sleep an hour...). Well apparently Derek picked up the liquor order and then was sent home from work because he was a sleepy little zombie. Chelle and I decided to got to sleep at around 11:30. we slept until around four at which time the sky opened up and smacked my house with rain, thunder and lightning!

I went online and went to myspace to see what was going. Of course, I found the usual perverted messages and the "you're cute, let's chat sometimes messages" which makes me gag. If you want to talk to me, maybe you should send me a message that would interest me into talking to you...I mean aside from the fact that I'm cute ;) Well I went over to Derek's message board and left him one that said that Chelle and I were bored and that we wanted him to come entertain us. Within an hour he was there. Did I tell you that he's my new BFF? Oh he is.

Plans were formulated that we'd all meet up later at the FQB. It was kind of stupid plan since we were all working on a random smattering of five hours or so. Ok team, break! Chelle came back to get me and looked absolutely stunning in my brand new shirt from Express. Uh you're welcome missy... Chelle I showed at the FQB and it was less than hopping, which is fine...but um, there were three other people there. But lo and behold Derek was true to his word and showed up. We basically reinacted the Night of the Living Dead, three zombies at the end of the bar. We played some darts, I kicked Derek's ass (not really, it was close) and Chelle came in last with a total of four points (we were playing Baseball!)! Then Derek made a quick exit because he was supposed to go out with his other friends to a show in a neighboring town.

Chelle and I packed up and went to thitwbar. Hey, there's no place like home! We hung out for a while, killing time before Chelle was off to be with Co-worker. And then, Derek walked in with two friends. He came over and it turned out, that they missed the show. And then I had it all planned out. Instead of going home when Chelle went to bone Co-worker, I would hang out with Derek and his other friends. It turned out to be the best time ever.

I met Derek's friends who are a riot, we sang songs, we did a little dancing in our chairs, played some darts and Derek and I whined about the facts that due to sleep deprivation our brains were mush. At about 2:30 we packed up, stumbled to the door and headed home. So I guess my lesson of the past two days is that Derek is not only the cutest man alive but it turns out that he's more than mildly entertaining. I always knew he was the best, but now? He really is. Why am I making it harder on myself for when he leaves.

Ok for once I allowed my friends to get drunk. I offered to be the designated driver for the first half of the evening and then once we made our way back to thitwbar we parked my car and we agreed to walk home. Well it wasn't a minute too soon. Chelle and Cr were rocked off their socks. Drunk as skunks...I don't think I've ever seen the two of them come apart at the seams like this before. It was hilarious.

My drunkard friends were wonderful in their pursuit to catch me up. I believe I did about six shots in two hours and drank about seven beers. I still did not catch up...although, I definitely began to sway. Because we are all or nothing girls we decided to invite the bar back to my house to continue Drunkfest 2005. And guess who was the guest of honor? That's right. My boy Derek. He claimed that he "got no sleep" the night before and that he was going to go home to bed...but somehow we convinced him to come and get drunk with us. It may have been Cr's push up bra/cravy cleavage...it may have been my very visible nipples (it was cold in the bar), it may have been crazy Chelle harassing the shit out of him repeatedly. Whatever it was, it worked. And I for one am damn happy about that--because when you get Derek into your home it's like having a little piece of sunshine. He's just so darn cute. In a "I want to bang you like a screen door" kind of cute.

Ry pussied out and refused to come home with us. Running out the door as if he were on fire. Apparently, work was more important than drinking with the entire group of Drunkie McDrunkersons. We played some cards, drank a lot, played more cards, drank more...talked a lot. I lusted after Derek, a surprise of course... Most people left around 5-6 am. Derek then informed Chelle and I that we would not be sleeping because he had to work at 10 am. Where's the logic in this? I'm not sure since we all kept trying to sneak sleep.

To entertain us, I came up with the game Catchphrase. It turned out to be perverted fun. When Derek said a clue I replied, "A big dick"...this caused him to fall off his futon. From here, the game became completely sexual and ridiculous. After playing for an hour, we moved over to the futon and proceded to make fun of Chelle. Chelle most likely will be damaged due to the things that Derek and I were saying about her and her co-worker and their sex lives. Chelle kept whining, "Guys I'm a good girl!!" Derek and I basically said disgusting things about strap ons, the co-worker peeing on Chelle ala R Kelly and used those two topics to bust on her for about an hour. I can truly say that Chelle is scarred for life and this is what we hoped to accomplish.

An hour late, Derek finally left my home although I did not want him to. I had the single best time ever with him and I even told him that I wanted to be his best friend, I wanted to visit him in Colorado and that I didn't want him to go away. I may have said this more than 20 times but I'm not admitting to anything. Chelle and I were exhausted, we crept upstairs and crashed in my bed for a couple of hours before getting up to lay on the couch, eat Chinese food and nurse hangovers worthy of 15 hours of drinking...of course, I was only drinking for 11 hours.