"I think my friend wants to stick his dick in you" and other sweet nothings that were whispered in my ear
So I don't post or check in on people and people worry. I wish I could say I was out solving the problem of world hunger and peace but in fact this is not the case. Here's what happened to me:
Friday
1. I decided to be the designated driver for my friends. I rarely DD but it was a nice favor I could do for them.
2. My friends are loud, drunken buffoons and I love them for it! I have never had such a good time, especially when surrounded by drunken louts. But they're my drunken louts so it was a fabulous time!
3. In the course of our discussions Tash and I found out that Chelle had never been to our local strip club. We decided to remedy this. In fact, we screamed to our guy friends..."C'mon, we're going to the titty bar!" at the top of our lungs. Some guy stood up and gave us a round of applause for being the "coolest chicks ever" at which point his girlfriend stood up and punched him in the arm. We being the "coolest chicks ever" skipped out of the bar singing/chanting..."Titty bar...titty bar...titty bar."
4. The titty bar was fairly uneventful. It's not a bar where you'd intimidated by the naked beauty displayed in front of you...in fact you would think, " I could probably work here and make more money then some of these ladies..."
5. I packed my friends up and headed up to Ry's new house. Once there we settled down to a nice rousing game of Trivial Pursuit. It was at this time I was finally able to drink a little but even still I had an unfair advantage and I kicked all their asses. We were up until about five and then we finally called it quits and went to bed.
Saturday
1. Woke up hangover free and feeling fine!
2. Went to brunch, I was the only one able to eat! I picked off all my friend's plates with reckless abandon...eyes closed, smile on my face as I chowed down on my turkey club sandwich.
3. Hung out with my pup and then decided to go see a man about a tattoo.
4. I decided to go with the drawing that Juan drew up for me and I proceeded with my decision. Mom, if you're reading this, don't kick my ass just yet!!! I was going to tell you...once I built up my bank account again so that it looked like I was semi-responsible. Mom, if you're not reading this...you'll see the new tattoo at Cr's wedding.
5. If I had a camera I would take a picture of it because it truly is gorgeous. I got a fairly large tattoo on my right shoulder/back. Pink lilies on a dark green vine.
6. Juan tattooed me. Juan was super HOTT. I got goosebumps the whole time he was doing his thing! I'm not even kidding. It only hurt bad at the end. Juan is about 5'6" (what the hell is it about me and short men?) sea green eyes, olive skin and jet black hair. You better believe that I will go back to continue the tat and get the opportunity to sit another 2 hours topless with Juan.
7. Went out with my friends Chelle, Missy and Brian. We ended up at the FQB because thitwbar was still closed for vacation (booo).
8. At the FQB I was talking the owner and he said to me, "Have you ever met my friend Billy?" I said yes I had and then he asked how I knew Bill. I took an audible breath and said, "Well one time I ended up hanging out with him, this girl, Chelle and the adorable skinhead. I didn't realize that the girl was Billy's girlfriend. Well, Bill decided to hit on me and caress my thighs and whatnot while I was waxing poetic about the hat the Derek had given me that night. The girlfriend did not take kindly to the fact that her boyfriend was molesting me and promptly kicked me out of the house. So that's pretty much how I know Bill." The owner laughed and said, "Yeah, he has a thing for you. (leans in to conspire) I think he wants to stick his dick in you." Because I was drunk (a slight bit beyond comfortably numb), this statement didn't offend me or seem slightly odd. In fact I think I said, "Oh ok...well maybe later." PS. The girlfriend and Billy have since broken up...that's key to this story.
9. At some point Chelle got me to pull my shirt basically off so that I could show the tattoo off to someone (I'm blaming this on her...I'm sure that I just pulled my shirt off!) and Billy came over and said, "I think you need to put more neosporin on it. Do you need some?" Like Macguyver he whipped out a tube of Neosporin and begin massaging it into my tattoo...and that's when I knew...I would be getting naked with Billy later that night.
10. We came back to my house. Missy was our DD but got locked out of the bar when she went outside to puke and get some air...she tried calling my phone, she tried banging on the door...and after 15 minutes of no one missing her--she left. We got a ride home with someone from the bar, bringing Billy home with us.
11. Cuddling on the lounge chair outside on the deck ensued. Somehow I made it to my bedroom... and I wasn't alone.
Sunday
12. Woke up in the morning and realized that yes indeed I had gotten naked with Billy.
13. Wanted to get even more naked with him again (a euphemism, as I was already as naked as can be).
14. Dog wanted to go out...I put on a t shirt only, forgetting that I have next door neighbors. Hungover, I walked outside with my dog bottomless. I got a dazed wave from my very wonderful neighbors. At least the shirt was slightly long...
15. While I was outside, Chelle ushered all the people who crashed on the couch (and the one who crashed in my bed) from my home and drove them home. No one came outside to tell me...perhaps because they didn't know where I was.
16. Didn't get to say goodbye to Billy or to give him my number...or get him naked again.
17. Suffered from a debilitating hangover paired with the pain from uhhhh, ummm my tattoo experiencing too much friction too early in the healing process. (Should've been on top damn it).
18. And that dear friends is why I have neglected you and the blogosphere as a whole. I've been drunk and getting laid...it's all a very new experience for me. Ha ha ha... I'm sorry. I'm a bad, bad girl.
Friday
1. I decided to be the designated driver for my friends. I rarely DD but it was a nice favor I could do for them.
2. My friends are loud, drunken buffoons and I love them for it! I have never had such a good time, especially when surrounded by drunken louts. But they're my drunken louts so it was a fabulous time!
3. In the course of our discussions Tash and I found out that Chelle had never been to our local strip club. We decided to remedy this. In fact, we screamed to our guy friends..."C'mon, we're going to the titty bar!" at the top of our lungs. Some guy stood up and gave us a round of applause for being the "coolest chicks ever" at which point his girlfriend stood up and punched him in the arm. We being the "coolest chicks ever" skipped out of the bar singing/chanting..."Titty bar...titty bar...titty bar."
4. The titty bar was fairly uneventful. It's not a bar where you'd intimidated by the naked beauty displayed in front of you...in fact you would think, " I could probably work here and make more money then some of these ladies..."
5. I packed my friends up and headed up to Ry's new house. Once there we settled down to a nice rousing game of Trivial Pursuit. It was at this time I was finally able to drink a little but even still I had an unfair advantage and I kicked all their asses. We were up until about five and then we finally called it quits and went to bed.
Saturday
1. Woke up hangover free and feeling fine!
2. Went to brunch, I was the only one able to eat! I picked off all my friend's plates with reckless abandon...eyes closed, smile on my face as I chowed down on my turkey club sandwich.
3. Hung out with my pup and then decided to go see a man about a tattoo.
4. I decided to go with the drawing that Juan drew up for me and I proceeded with my decision. Mom, if you're reading this, don't kick my ass just yet!!! I was going to tell you...once I built up my bank account again so that it looked like I was semi-responsible. Mom, if you're not reading this...you'll see the new tattoo at Cr's wedding.
5. If I had a camera I would take a picture of it because it truly is gorgeous. I got a fairly large tattoo on my right shoulder/back. Pink lilies on a dark green vine.
6. Juan tattooed me. Juan was super HOTT. I got goosebumps the whole time he was doing his thing! I'm not even kidding. It only hurt bad at the end. Juan is about 5'6" (what the hell is it about me and short men?) sea green eyes, olive skin and jet black hair. You better believe that I will go back to continue the tat and get the opportunity to sit another 2 hours topless with Juan.
7. Went out with my friends Chelle, Missy and Brian. We ended up at the FQB because thitwbar was still closed for vacation (booo).
8. At the FQB I was talking the owner and he said to me, "Have you ever met my friend Billy?" I said yes I had and then he asked how I knew Bill. I took an audible breath and said, "Well one time I ended up hanging out with him, this girl, Chelle and the adorable skinhead. I didn't realize that the girl was Billy's girlfriend. Well, Bill decided to hit on me and caress my thighs and whatnot while I was waxing poetic about the hat the Derek had given me that night. The girlfriend did not take kindly to the fact that her boyfriend was molesting me and promptly kicked me out of the house. So that's pretty much how I know Bill." The owner laughed and said, "Yeah, he has a thing for you. (leans in to conspire) I think he wants to stick his dick in you." Because I was drunk (a slight bit beyond comfortably numb), this statement didn't offend me or seem slightly odd. In fact I think I said, "Oh ok...well maybe later." PS. The girlfriend and Billy have since broken up...that's key to this story.
9. At some point Chelle got me to pull my shirt basically off so that I could show the tattoo off to someone (I'm blaming this on her...I'm sure that I just pulled my shirt off!) and Billy came over and said, "I think you need to put more neosporin on it. Do you need some?" Like Macguyver he whipped out a tube of Neosporin and begin massaging it into my tattoo...and that's when I knew...I would be getting naked with Billy later that night.
10. We came back to my house. Missy was our DD but got locked out of the bar when she went outside to puke and get some air...she tried calling my phone, she tried banging on the door...and after 15 minutes of no one missing her--she left. We got a ride home with someone from the bar, bringing Billy home with us.
11. Cuddling on the lounge chair outside on the deck ensued. Somehow I made it to my bedroom... and I wasn't alone.
Sunday
12. Woke up in the morning and realized that yes indeed I had gotten naked with Billy.
13. Wanted to get even more naked with him again (a euphemism, as I was already as naked as can be).
14. Dog wanted to go out...I put on a t shirt only, forgetting that I have next door neighbors. Hungover, I walked outside with my dog bottomless. I got a dazed wave from my very wonderful neighbors. At least the shirt was slightly long...
15. While I was outside, Chelle ushered all the people who crashed on the couch (and the one who crashed in my bed) from my home and drove them home. No one came outside to tell me...perhaps because they didn't know where I was.
16. Didn't get to say goodbye to Billy or to give him my number...or get him naked again.
17. Suffered from a debilitating hangover paired with the pain from uhhhh, ummm my tattoo experiencing too much friction too early in the healing process. (Should've been on top damn it).
18. And that dear friends is why I have neglected you and the blogosphere as a whole. I've been drunk and getting laid...it's all a very new experience for me. Ha ha ha... I'm sorry. I'm a bad, bad girl.
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