Chelle: It's really too bad we didn't have any pecans to throw at him..." (in reference to the idea that she once had for me to "keep" Der around, in which I would throw pecans at him through a dog cage...don't ask.)

(two minutes later)

Me: Ooh Derek...how do you feel about Pecans?
Derek: I don't like them.
Me: (under my breath) Damn!
Derek: Why?
Me: No reason, just asking questions.
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Me: Derek I don't even know why you wear those glasses...they don't do anything!
Chelle: Yeah! What are you just trying to look smart?
Me: (under my breath) Good luck with that one!
Derek: Hey! You're so mean...I have an astigmatism.
Me: So your one eyeball is shaped like a football?
Derek; Huh? What? I don't know...(flings off glasses into bush at 4 am)
Me: You're a moron.
Derek: Oh yeah? Well...
Me: Let's just find your stupid glasses dummyhead
Derek and Melina search frantically in the bushes but alcohol prevented them from being able to find them.
Derek: Well...we're just going to have to stop at my house and get my other pair.
Me: You have another pair? How very cosmopolitan of you...I've been wearing glasses since 6th grade and I only ever had one pair.
Derek: Yeah but how many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: (looking down at the hottest pair of clearance hot pink adidas suede sneakers) Not that many...
Derek: When did you get those?
Me: The other day but they were on clearance at Dick's Sporting Goods for sixteen dollars and no one's going to pass up these sexy bitches...
Derek:I would've, they're pink
Me: Well spoken like a man who owns those (makes gagging noises)green suede sneakers...I don't think you should be casting stones Der.
Derek: Don't talk to me...you're mean.
Me: And you my friend are a punk ass bitch.
Ronnie or possibly someone else: You're both idiots who both appear to own suede sneakers. Quit the bickering.
***As you read this...Derek travelled a gazillion miles away without finding his glasses. I would've cried***
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Derek to his friend who I can't remember his name: She's the one who made the pirate shirt for me.
Friend: Oh that was a really cool shirt, what happened to it?
Me: (blushing)
Derek: She was afraid someone from here was going to steal it so she stole it back
Me: Uh yeah...It was really expensive.
Derek: You never told me that...
Me: Derek, it was really expensive...but you're worth it.
Friend: Shit this is getting too deep for my blood (walks into house)
Derek: So it was expensive huh?
Me: Shut up, you're gay.
Derek: That didn't stop you from looking down my pants last week...
Several boys: Huh?
Me: Nothing. It was nothing. Derek's taking psychotropic drugs again.
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Ronnie: Someone get that big ass mosquito. It's going to suck my blood!
Me: Just your blood? Give me something to kill it with.
Derek: No one's killing anything! (flies up and attempts to gallantly save the stupid mosquito and somehow loses it)
Ronnie: Greeeaaat! Now we're all going to get....
Chelle: West Nile Virus
Derek: (nods enthusiastically) Yeah.
Me: should've just killed the bastard.
Ronnie: Who? Derek or the mosquito?
Me: That's debatable at this point.
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Derek to Chelle: So was it awkward when you went up to Co-worker's house for the hookup? Did you think, "Shit this guy's going to pee on me?"
Chelle: It wasn't awkward or anything but...well, at one point I was thinking about the things you and M were saying.
Me: Awww, isn't that sweet? She thought of us while she was boning Co-worker.
Derek: He so totally peed on you didn't he?
Chelle: Shut up.
(then she had to explain the whole story to the four boys that were standing slack jawed in the room...as her face got redder and redder)
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Derek (itching ankle covered in poison ivy): Itchy
Me: Stop itching (slaps at his hand)! You're going to spread it all over yourself, you moron!
Derek: Don't hit me, or I'll give it to you...(moves ankle in a menacing manner towards me)
Melina: Well moron, you can't give me poison ivy...it doesn't spread person to person.
Derek: Yes it does.
Chelle: No it doesn't. You could spread it to her if you had the oil on you still and transferred it that way.
Ronnie: I feel like I'm on the Learning Channel or something.
Derek: Well I'll just go find some poison ivy leaves and rub them all over you!
Me: I once had poison ivy so bad all over my face...I looked like the Elephant Man
Derek: The Elephant Man was fucking awesome!
Me: Yeah but not when you're in 7th grade and you look like him.
Derek: Yeah, I guess I could see that.
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Me: (pointing rudely across the bar) That's Derek's roommate, the one with the big moustache.
Chelle: (recoils) That's an ugly moustache
Derek: (fly around the bar from where he should be working and sits down) Yeah I hate that fucking moustache! But he's awesome!
Chelle: M was just saying that she wanted to go for a moustache ride!
Me: I didn't say I wanted to ride that moustache!
Derek's roommate: hey!
In Unison: Hey. (and attempt not to laugh as we all stare at the moustache)

***So did anyone notice my 6th grade behavior of being mean to the boy that I like? Yeah me too...I promise to tone it down a little.***