This is blog of a woman who didn't know what she wanted and so chased after dreams and men in search of the answers...drunken hilarity ensued. Then one day she met a man who was everything she wanted, but he wasn't so sure. Then she did the unthinkable; after they broke up she gave him this blog address and she let him into her mind as well as her heart. Unbelievably, even after sorting through the sordid archives of failed relationships, one night stands and her lusty (and embarassing) pursuit to secure the heart of a certain young line cook, John somehow managed to fall in love with her too. Melina and John were married a little over six months after they started dating, running away to Las Vegas to seal the deal. You can imagine what the over/under bet was to see if they'd even make it a year!! Over a year later and they are still going strong...this blog has become their story. Need to tell me something? Email me at Melinalovesjohnny at gmail dot com
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Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Bomb! and then a Love Bomb!
So at my place of business there was a bomb threat for tomorrow. I thought that was sweet of the bombist, he left a little graffiti in the men's bathroom stating that "Something might go boom on March 1st". Personally, I didn't take it as much as a threat as a statement saying that yes, somewhere, something may go boom! I jest because I can.

In the midst of calming people and explaining to nearly adult people that they cannot bring anything with them tomorrow I had a girl come up to me and whisper, "Can I bring my purse?" I repeated my spiel again about how no one should bring anything with them tomorrow. She whispered again, "Well, what if I bring it because I need it?" I said that her bag would probably be searched. She whispered to me again (the girl was a serious whisperer!), "But I have stuff in there that I don't want them to see!" I looked at her sternly and said, "Perhaps then tomorrow would be a good time to leave the contraband at home!" She beckoned me back down again so that she could cup my ear and whispered one final time. I stood back up with a smile on my face and told her again, "Just leave your bag at home and I'll take care of you". Tomorrow, I will have to bring extra tampons for my little friend. Cute, she wasn't phased at all that there could be a bomb exploding tomorrow, but she was totally phased that the male gym teacher might get a glimpse of her tampons!

Perhaps this is why I'm getting honored in April by five of my charges for my impact on their lives. They had the opportunity to nominate anyone who has influenced them over the past 12 years. By nominating me, it allows me to have dinner with these five fine people with the other nominees. I feel like I've been hugged a thousand times all at once. Because I'm a nosy busybody, I peeped at all the nominations--my eyes welled up when I read the reasons why these kids wanted me to be nominated. I had to put all the sheets back into the folder and run back to my room because by the time I was done reading them, I had tears streaming down my face. It feels really good to know that I'm good at this and that I'm needed, respected and perhaps (shucks) even loved by these kids.

PS. I tied for the most nominations with a 34 year veteran...I think I'm on the right track!

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Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Pictures from NYC

Well these are a few of them...

Our gorgeous view of the Chrysler building, my roses, lots of pictures from Jekyll and Hyde--one of the best weekends ever.

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Monday, February 26, 2007
Melina and John Take Manhattan
Well, I loved when the muppets did it, so it seemed like an appropriate title. Here's a little recap of our weekend (which started a little early).

Thursday- I was still feeling under the weather with this lingering illness that would not disappear, it wasn't a big deal, I just couldn't breathe out of my nostrils. I dragged myself over to my mom's workplace (an enormous chain superstore) to pick up John's birthday present from her and to see if I could find any last minute gifts. I left with nearly empty hands, only with Mom's gift of money wrapped neatly in a card that looked like a black lab.

That night, I dosed up with some cold and flu medication and we headed off to thitwbar to celebrate with friends since I was whisking John away from everyone to celebrate in NYC. John was a trooper, he down pitchers of beer and a plethora of shots as if it were his 21st birthday. His mom came to help us celebrate and I could see in her eyes that she wasn't particularly pleased that I was getting him so sloshed but, I could see in his eyes that he was enjoying himself, and hey, you'll never be 28 again, right? Again, we brought our friends home with us and continued the party in the basement. Eventually, we remembered that we had to drive the next day so we finally trudged upstairs to sleep.

Friday- John's actual birthday! I attempted to cure birthday hangover with birthday sex! It didn't cure anything but it was a nice start to the day, and with the money I was spending on the weekend, it was the only gift I could give him. Sometimes I'm so selfless, so giving, I even amaze myself (ha ha). We quickly packed a bag, kissed our dogbaby goodbye (left in the tender loving hands of E and T to take care of for the weekend) and headed out on the road...only after we stopped for some greasy fast food--phase two in my attempt to cure us.

It seemed like New York was a million miles away but when we pulled up to our hotel, it was all worth it. We checked in and oohed and ahhed over our view from our balcony. I couldn't have planned it better, from our room we had a breathtaking view of the Chrysler building (pictures to follow when we eventually unpack the car). After resting, recuperating and again performing resuccitative sex, we went out to dinner to celebrate John's birth. We set out on the streets as tourists, looking up at the tall buildings, laughing, pointing out landmarks and enjoying the whipping winds of the city. With no idea where we wanted to go, we just wandered until our faces were numb and our ears were pink and burning. Ultimately, we ended up at the Playwright and had dinner and martinis. After we filled our bellies we walked around a little more but then decided to head back to the hotel to rest up for our next day. Truly, celebrating takes it out of you.

Saturday- We slept in, rolled around in our king size bed, basked in the glory of having two different kinds of HBO (when you're just starting out in marriage, you can't really afford the fancy channels). Then on the agenda, more sightseeing! Walking arm in arm with large smiles splayed across our faces we went in and out of stores, I experienced my first Starbucks (not that there aren't any around the Cornfield, I just never went into one) and we spent most of the day walking around. Then it happened. We turned the corner and we saw a sign that said "$11.95 buffet with all you can drink for an hour". Then I saw the name of the place Jekyll and Hyde and I was sold! It was solid corny fun, plus no lunch can be complete without seeing Frankenstein's monster get resurrected.

We had lunch, we sat at the bar and then I decided to buy John flowers. But being more than a little tipsy, I didn't just walk across the street and buy them from a vendor--oh no that would be too easy-- I called someone to have them delivered (don't ask...I'm an idiot). So I walked back into the bar and said, "John, we're just going to have to stick around until 6:30" and that's when I was informed that we had two hours to sit around...(slap hand on forehead!)...we managed to entertain ourselves at the bar during that time, making friends with the bartender and inviting him to join us in celebratory Jameson shots. Right before John's flowers came, I came back from the bathroom surprised to find that in my seat there were two dozen pink roses...for me. Apparently, great minds think alike.

Finally, John's flowers arrived and they were hideous! It was a gross arrangement with a tacky vase (I had asked for just a bundle of roses so he could carry them around)...we ended up giving them to another patron of the restaurant so that we could walk home unencumbered. Hey, it was a good idea in theory!

So that was most our weekend...oh except for the little matter of being certain that I was pregnant while incredibly drunk--let me clarify, I didn't think I was pregnant before I was drunk or I wouldn't have been drinking. This certainty/drunkeness caused me to ask the front desk to get me a pregnancy test (Hey the W's motto was Whatever. Whenever, that applied right?). Guess what? I'm not pregnant, but I am embarassing!!!

I know I had a great time, I wish there had been more time to see and do more things and of course, I am sad that the Evil Dead closed the weekend before we got up to see it, so now I have to fight for my money back. I believe I accomplished my goal, however, and that was to have a special weekend with the birthday boy.

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Wednesday, February 21, 2007
where are you going? Where have you been??

So I know at least one person (Jay) has been missing my poetic and poignant posts. The question, "Where have you been?" can only be answered by the above pictures. I've been digging out of the carnage left behind in my house. Let me tell you what I've been doing. I've been drinking. Heavily. It all started on Friday...because hey, I'm mature now and I don't go drinking on school nights. So Friday, we went to see our friend's band play, we were sprayed with a lovely mixture of beer and gallons of (fake) blood (as usual, only our friends Matt was fazed by the bloodiness and the eagerness of many patrons to get bloody). Of course, staying out until 2 was not enough and we love our friends so much that we just HAD to continue the party here at home in the basement bar with other like minded mature adults...Like minded individuals who stayed up until 7am, long after I was snoozing on the floor in my guest room spooning John.

The next day was full of Bloody Marys and laughter through the pain of hangovers. All of the pain was forgotten when at 6pm, we boarded a drunk bus and headed towards Trenton, NJ. Our stay there was short. Tony's band played again. I might've done a choreographed leopard crawl across the floor of the bar...but then again, I might not have. Which do you think it is? Everything remains hazy except for the fact that it was fun, there were lots of drinks, loud music and bouncers who kept trying to hit on T. Then all hell broke loose seems to do that with our crowd and Tony ended up hitting someone in the face and knocking them out. We were promptly sent back to Pennsylvania...which was fine with us, there was plenty of free beer on the bus! (please refer to picture of shitty Pabst Blue Ribbon Pounders, it's what all the "cool scenesters" drink)

And round and round it went until Monday afternoon when finally, I was able to assume my position on the couch and it was pure heaven. I turned to John and said, "In April, after all our birthdays, bachelorette parties and weddings...we're going to enter into the Witness Protection Program to escape our friends!" Last night he turned to me and said, "We're probably the only two people who could have a baby right now and actually save money!" It's sad, but true. It was a nice little homage to the old times of our wild ways, but it hit the pocket a little harder than we intended.

Next up? NYC this weekend for John's birthday. Stop by on Friday and say, "Happy Birthday" to my pookie!

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Wednesday, February 14, 2007
True Emails
John's night class got cancelled, whooo! So now I'm antsy for him to come home. One, because I love him and two, because he said we could now have a delicious VDay meal. He can't dangle a meal in front of me and expect me not to get excited. But now, it's four pm...I still won't see him until 6:30 on a normal non-snowy/icy/wonderous (for those who get snow days!!) night. So that means that I won't see him until around 7 pm. Always trying to be helpful I sent him this email:

won't they let you leave early from work? Tell them that your wife is in labor...we'll just look at them strangely if anyone ever asks to see the baby.

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You Used to be Fun
John and I were forking on the couch last night after gorging ourselves on my mini-pre-Valentine's Day meal of chicken parm and we were deciding whether to watch Less Than Zero or Suspiria. Suspiria won out, but I wish it hadn't...I sure as hell wish it hadn't. Coven of fucking witches in a ballet school? Well there's a WONDERFUL premise. I'm amazed no one has ripped this idea of in the history of cinema.

You may ask why we had a pre-Valentine's dinner. Is it because I am soo in love with Valentine's Day that I just don't want it to end, therefore I start it early??? Nope, it because we won't see each other tonight, much like last year...except this year John's "blowing me off" for night class/exam whereas last year he blew me off because he "was sick and had to do laundry" aka he wanted to get back together with his ex-girlfriend but wasn't ready to break my little heart on VDay. I'm taking this excuse much better than last year's, where I cried on the couch and pretended to be optimistic on the blog. But that's just because I'm awesome.

Anyways, while I was snuggled on the couch with him, and he's all licking his lips after a tasty little meal he has the gaul to say to me, "You know, I was reading the archives of your blog and you used to be fun." (what a dick!) But I agree, I used to be fun. I used to do the most idiotic things. And actually, I still do. For some reason I'm so moony eyed about John that that's all I tend to write about...SNOOZE FEST...from now on, I'm reverting to my idiotic tales of drinking too much and doing ridiculous things. Gone are the fleeting months where I decided to be an adult. So, for your reading enjoyment I will tell you a tale of how I received a massive head wound this weekend.

Actually, I wish I could tell you that story, but honestly? The details elude me. I know that on Friday night John brought me home from the bar lit up like a Christmas tree. We also brought a bunch of people home. It was just like old times. The Basement Bar was fully occupied, people were drinking heavily and someone even managed to have sex on our futon (the futon, that will confuse CSI people in the future because it is simply decorated in our friends' DNA as gross as that may sound). The only difference? I was so full of "cheer" that I needed to be put to bed STAT. And there I was placed. But I was crafty. I did not want to go to bed. So I slipped out of it and crept downstairs to go back to the party--after all, it was in my house, was it not?? If nothing else, I'm a good hostess (or not).

That's when it happened. Either a door frame or a corner of an end table viciously jumped up and stabbed me in the side of the head. I was minding my own business when it attacked me, perhaps it was both of them? And they jumped me!?! I remember a lot of crying, a lot of blood, a lot of John saying, "Oh my God!" in a way that wasn't very comforting and me inquiring meekly (and drunkenly), "Is it bad?" and then saying, "It's bad isn't it?!?"

But obviously I'm alive and aside from the fact that I can't really brush my hair without crying I am fine. See, I'm still a drunk, I mean fun person!

I'm sure after this weekend we'll have plenty of interesting stories. We're going on a drunk bus to see our friend Tony play again. Each time this happens something insane occurs...for example, on our last bus trip we almost never got a ride home because the bus driver thought we were all shooting up heroin. Seriously I'm not that "fun"...we had two people on the bus that were diabetics. I believe they even informed the bus driver before we left!

So from now on my matra will be, "You used to be fun!" and I will attempt to write accordingly, because there's nothing worse than having the man you love telling you that your blog is boring.

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Unexpectedly in Love
With today! NOT because it's Valentine's Day, but because I don't have to go to work today. This is better than a box o' chocolates any day.

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Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Ours is an intergalactic love Han and Leia

John...this one's for you. Oh and may the force be with you and all that jazz. (Keep reading for a real explanation folks)

When you get a sleeve of Star Wars tattoos as John did, people assume that you're obsessed with Star Wars and that is the only interest that you ever have involves Star Wars...this would explain why he got a Darth Vader head cookie jar (perhaps it's actually a bank??) for Christmas from his sister. And it's pretty clear that he's a little sick of getting SW stuff all the time, but he's very gracious in accepting it and therefore will continue to receive the it when he's old, gray and using a walker (perhaps there will be a Millennium Falcon model by that time?) I'll admit, I fell into the same trap when I first met him and I did the same thing to him last year with the hoodie that is now referred to as " that gay Boba Fett hoodie". This is a little harsh because it was the first gift I ever purchased him and because I lost the receipt so I only got $24 back for it and in reality I just wanted to sex him up as a Valentine's gift, but whatever. That's what you get for trying to be "classy"...

Since we aren't going to be able to spend Valentine's Day together (which isn't a travesty or anything, but it would've been nice) since he has night class and he has to take a test. I decided to prepare this "very special" Valentine's Day post for him. It's only a joke...
I wouldn't do this to him, for reals. year I was thinking about getting him an ewok.

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Friday, February 09, 2007
Homemade Love

Anyone else making their own valentine's this year?? These are for my BCTs (Bitches Coming Together)...I have yet to decide what Johnny's valentine is going to look like. I went to my childhood doctor to see if he'd give me an x-ray of my heart, but he said no, so it's back to the drawing board.

Whaddya think about these? Not too shabby right?

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Thursday, February 08, 2007
He could just be calling me crazy...
I tried to stay up to greet him when he came home from night class. First he missed his train, then he hit the bar and caught the next one. Who could blame him? He had been in the city since 8:30 in the morning for work and then he was stuck there until his 7:30 night class that didn't let out until 10. Typically, I see him around 11:30, but not last night. At 11:30, I couldn't fight the pull of my eyelids any longer and I fell asleep...slumbering I'm sure, like an angel and not like the log sawing menace that I'm often described as.

Twelve thirty rolls around and I'm awakened by lips kissing me. John was kneeling by my side of the bed and whispering to me, "Hey baby, I missed you." Still mostly asleep, I smiled into the darkness and said, "Yeah? I missed you too." And then he scampered downstairs and grabbed my trusty Mac powerbook and loaded his myspace page next to me. I was puzzled to say the least, then he started singing the Daniel Johnston song that he recently added to his page after seeing the documentary, The Devil and Daniel Johnston together the other day.

"I put this song on there because it reminds me of you" and then he began to sing in a hushed voice to me:

I love that girl so much
I can't get enough of her love, crazy love

She walks on down the street
Shufflin' with her feet
She walks in to the store
Boy I love that crazy girl
She brightens up my day
And everything about her is okay
I don't care what they say
I love that girl
I love her tender touch
And everything about her means so much
She's always on my mind
She's so nice and kind
I love that girl so long
I feel just like King Kong
Someday I'll find that girl
I love that girl, I love that girl so much I can't get enough of her crazy love.

I don't remember falling back to sleep but I'm sure I had still had a smile on my face.

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Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Geriatric Pick-Up Lines

I went out with my mother-in-law tonight to thitwbar ( the bar that I call "the hole in the wall bar" because that's what it it is) while Johnny (her son) was at night class. It was an eye opener into the dating scene of those later in life, let me tell you. I had this preconceived notion that older "gentlemen" were more genteel, that they didn't use smarmy pick up lines or talk about sex in the middle of the bar. I'm not totally sure why I thought this because older men have always tried to pick me up in the bars but GOLLY what I saw tonight...well, you'll see.

John's mom is a gorgeous older woman and she's no stranger to the bar scene. A man walks up to us and this is what I heard:

Old guy with grey mustache (hence to be known as ogwgm): Where have you been?
Mother in law (MIL): You never called me, I waited, but you never called .(Sparkle in her eye) Too late, I'm involved with someone else now!
Ogwgm: I'm sorry, I should've called...

* me musing* This guy doesn't seem have bad. He seems repentant...hmmm....
MIL: Yeah you should've!
Ogwgm starts to tell me what he does for a living and it turns out that he's an electrician...uh uh, here comes an electrician/sex joke. And then says, "I see two beautiful girls, I wanted to talk to them before I went home...I need to get horny!

*me musing* Gross

MIL: (coyly) You know, I still have your card...
Ogwm: Oh yeah? Well you know...electricians are good at checking shorts. If you ever need your shorts checked...I'm the guy to call.

*me musing* Ok, that was a little cheesy but it's cute coming from this old guy.
MIL: *just looks flustered*
Ogwm: *backpedaling* I was just kidding about that...but if you did have a short, I'd check it!

Interlude of flirting continues...and then...and then...he discuses the benefits of Viagra...yep, he did it.

Ogwm: So, I take Viagra.

*me musing* Is this flirting in the older people's world??
MIL: *just smiles, obviously doesn't know what to say.

Ogwm: It last twelve hours! I don't know how it works, but it does...

MIL: My man doesn't need Viagra... (for Johnny's sake I'll explain why...they're not having sex, but she didn't tell Ogwm that)

Ogwm: (looks crushed and remains silent)

Me:(trying not to snicker)
It must be hard to sleep like that!

Ogwm: (becoming the obvious expert) Oh no, you have to get turned on to use it...someone or something has to turn me on. But Jesus, I take it, I use it (elbows me) if you know what I mean, and then in the morning I wake up and I'm ready to use it again!

Me: Really? You should try Cialis, I heard that works for 36 hours! (Cialis, call me...apparently I'm your new spokesgirl since I've memorized your stupid commercials!)

Ogwm: (elbows me's getting a little annoying) I just got a prescription this week!

Me: (playing the bitch) Oh yeah? Gonna test those babies out this weekend?

Ogwm: (patently ignores me but goes on) Seriously, I can't wait to try it but I don't know what it's gonna be like. With Viagra I get so's like I squeeze it, and there's nothing to squeeze!

Me: (awful thought in my head and I want to die so I murmur under my breath) Geriatric Penis Be Out! By the Power of Christ I Compel Thee!!!

MIL: *says something witty and tries to change the subject*

Ogwm: * murmurs something to MIL that I can't really hear except that I do catch the end about "eating something"

Me: (sharp intake of breath and the thought, "Old guys really do that???" Obviously, I'm prejudiced against the generations above me, I don't know why...I think it was his gross grey mustache that made me have sex tunnel vision)

MIL: *slaps Ogwm's arm playfully

Ogwm: (turns to me) What?!? What did I say? Don't YOU like that??

Me: (blushing) Um...well...of course..(muttering) Yeah I like it...but um, she's my mother in law and I don't want to talk about that stuff 'cuz um....that's her son and all....

MIL: Uh yeah... (but looks at me with interest as if it was the first interesting thing I talked about all night)

Me: (to myself) someone please kill me now!

Ogwm: (triumphantly) See, she likes it!

Me: (pleadingly) I didn't say that!!!

MIL:(gracefully gets him to leave us) So, I guess we'll talk to you later.

That was my night out. I found out that my MIL is hanging out with a 67 year old man (NOT the electrician that offered to check her shorts), she loves toys that need batteries but the men in her life have been threatened by it ( thank god I've never experienced that before) and she learned that I like it when her son goes down on me. The only thing I can say is that, at least I didn't extol his master talents in that area!

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Tuesday, February 06, 2007
You'd think I had green eyes...
Remember the post when I was jealous over my sister-in-law "stealing my thunder" by getting pregnant and is having the grandchild in the family? Well, today I found out from John over a text message, "It's a girl!" and my heart fell just a little bit more, and tears started to well up in my eyes...because, yes...I was hoping that she would be pregnant with a boy and that I, could have the first baby girl. And the unwanted thought stealthily crept into my head, "Does she have to take everything I want?" The tears welled up a little but never fell because I became a little disgusted with myself and I started having one of those irritating internal dialogues with myself that went a little something like this:

"Can't you just be happy for her?"
"Why? Why do I have to be?"
"Because she's the one who's pregnant right now, and she's the one who found out that she's having a baby girl...and well, because she's a real girly girl and deserves a little girl who she can play dress up with, and do her hair like a little fairy princess and..."
"Ok, ok...I get it. I'm happy for her."
"I'm not convinced."
"Well deal with it, I'll be happy for her...eventually."

After my momentary descent into multiple personalities, I finally admitted to myself that Sister-in-Law is a lucky, beautiful and wonderful woman and that she's going to make a terrific mother and I should really get over myself. I mean for real, for real. For the past few weeks since I've known about her pregnancy I've put on my fake smile and I've pretended excitement for her, but it wasn't until today that I truly looked at what I'm doing. It's time to pull myself out of my only child syndrome of "I want, I want, I want" and "Mine! Mine! Mine!" and be a good friend (well, work on becoming one...we don't know each other all that well yet), a good sister and not such a fucking brat.

Plus it'll be fun to buy things like this and this and this. And maybe for myself, this and this. Well, that wasn't what I was really looking for, but when I found it, it made me giggle.

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Friday, February 02, 2007
Gone to the Dogs

Hi everybody! I'm the dogbaby around here. I'm tired of being ignored so I decided that it was time for me to write a post. First of all, check out that first picture. I can't believe that my mom (Melina) crammed me into this pirate dog tee that is meant for a 30 lb dog! I mean sure she stretched it and she only made me wear for five minutes to take the picture but, whatevs. I'm 57 lbs (of pure lean muscle), I'm giving her the "Kill me now" face. She never gets it. What's her deal with pirate stuff anyways??? It's always skull this, eye patch that...she needs to get a new "thing". I secretly hear her cry about losing (throwing out the window when drunk) her neighborhoodies "I love Pirate "beach bag. She's a loser, I've come to accept it, you should too.I am very cranky in the morning, which is why Mom and Dad call me Cranky Frankie. They think it's cute, I think one day I might bite one of their faces off.

Sometimes I humor them by rolling on my belly so that they can pet me. It's a privillege and an honor. I hope they understand that.

But seriously folks, the best part of my day? When those two get out of my bed so that I can just relax and contemplate the meaning of life. I'm not sure why Melina and John call me Leisure Dog...must be some inside joke that I'm just not privy to.

Now if you'll excuse me...I think it's naptime.

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50 things you need to do before 30...I think not.
In a search for "things to do before you're 30" I found this list listed below. I decided to post it and then annotate it. After I do that, I think I'll have to make a list of my own because this one just didn't do it for me. Feel free to give me a little guidance as to what to do in the next 38 days before I turn 30. Maybe, if I come up with 15-30 "do-able" things, I'll do one thing each day and post about it.

1. Have a really stupid accident which necessitates a hospital visit why on earth would I want to do that?? Ok, ok...I've done it already but it's a stupid thing to put on your list.
2. Shoot something I shot a target, that counts right? I accidentally shot a bird and killed it with a BB gun and cried.
3. Take a weekend break more than 1000 miles from home I have this one covered. Between being an only child who was taken on some cool vacations, a Spring Break sorority co-ed, an excited teenage scuba diver, and a woman who ran away to Vegas to get married, I have this one covered.
4. Boot Linux on your home PC This is nerd speak right? I have no idea why I'd do this.
5. Get lost in a country where you don't speak the language Sadly, I did this in Mexico, drunk as a skunk. I tried speaking french, it didn't help.
6. Spend more than your monthly income on a pocket sized gadget If beer were a gadget then I could've done this...otherwise, no, I've never done it.
7. Post bail for a friend Haven't done it yet, hope I never have to actually (although I would).
8. Break a really large plate glass window This is actually so much fun! It was accidental but wonderful.
9. Make a parachute jump on a hangover doesn't sound so much fun.
10. Use a whole roll of gaffa tape in one day I didn't even know what gaffa tape was until I looked it up.
11. Make a pointless modification to your house Hmm, don't really have a lot of money to make necessary modifications...I'm going to have to nix this idea.
12. Neck a pint of peppermint oil um, why?
13. Pull a shemale by mistake (but realise in time...) Like Bartleby the Scrivener, I'm going to have to say, "I'd prefer not to."
14. Buy a samurai sword I'm not good with knives, not going to do this either.
15. Delay paying a bill until the summons arrives Can anyone say dumb?? DUMB.
16. Destroy a speed camera No more breaking the law for me, thanks.
17. Refill an inkjet cartridge Two words--FUCK NO
18. Say something obscene on national television Would love to, but I'd probably lose my job and I don't need to make Americans look unintelligent on the media.
19. Do a J turn in order to beat somebody to a parking space I live near this mall, I will do anything to get the proper parking spaces.
20. Break a sledgehammer That would be fun I guess...if I had nothing else to do with my time.
21. Make a bomb My friend Josh and I used to try to make bombs all the time when we were about 5 and 6. We were evil geniuses. I'm going to leave those days behind me.
22. Smash a CRT Ok, I had to AGAIN look things up and a CRT is this...I don't care to smash one, nor would I know where to get my hands on one.
23. Require medical treatment as a consequence of kinky sex (STD's don't count) I don't think it was all that kinky, but I can honestly say that I think I should've sought medical attention after John and I had one of our last hurrahs at his old house (read: his nasty whore ridden mattress)
24. Tip a waiter with something other than money I left my number once
25. Light a fire with petrol I'm impatient, I've done this many times.
26. Kidnap someone Ever see the movie Jawbreaker
27. Park inside a motorway service station oook...nah.
28. Own a convertible. I would <3>
29. Live abroad. Again, I think I'd love to do this too for a little, perhaps before 40?
30. Drive at more than 140mph. My little Neon can't go that fast.
31. Get something for free through a masterpiece of complaining I got a suite on our honeymoon for the price of a regular room. I was proud of my whining. And I've gotten free food and drinks. Otherwise, I don't complain unless there's an actual reason to's not fair to the service people.
32. Give yourself a mains electric shock. Again, FUCK NO!
33. Completely dismantle an object larger than yourself been there, done that, too many times.
34. Write off a car sadly, I've done this.
35. Fall asleep and get really hilarious sunburn I'm a tanner, not a burner baby.
36. Get drunk on Absinthe more fun that a barrel of monkeys (also drunk on Absinthe)
37. Stay up all night listening to a girl have an emotional crisis Obviously, this list was written by a man. As a woman I have emotional crises and I hear other people's crises on a regular basis.
38. Lick the terminals of a 9 volt battery I enjoy doing this...a lot...too much in fact!
39. Take part in motorsport. nah...not interested
40. Stay at the office for more than 24 hours I did this when I worked at Victoria's Secret...I worked twelve hours and then had a floor set from hell.
41. Set off a fire extinguisher FUN
42. Drive at least 600 miles in a day on two lane roads Done it!
43. Hotwire a car Done it! With the help from my dad...however, I don't remember how I did it, I was 7...he thought it was "adorable for me to learn".
44. Watch all the Monty Python films in one sitting I don't have the patience.
45. Shag an ex boyfriend by mistake How would this be a mistake? I'm not even going to linger on this one because I'm happily married and I'm not going to bang an ex before (or after) I'm 30.
46. Dial 999 Nope! I could get fines! By the way, did you read about the lady who called 911 to get a "cute" officer to come back to her house so that she could give him her number? And he cited her?? Romance. It's dead. As was anyone that was on hold that was calling 911 that day.
47. Commit a faux pas which means that a friend will never speak to you again Too late.
48. Make a bet you couldn't afford to lose Doesn't sound fun at'll
49. Read a 500 page book in one sitting Been there, done that. It's called "being an English major in college"
50. Escape a perfectly justified parking ticket. I would love to, but my feminine wiles do not work on the ticketing kind.

Well that was "enlightening"...what do you think I should do before I'm thirty? I need between 15 and 30 things...and they need to be do-able in a day or less.

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Thursday, February 01, 2007
A New Superhero??

This is me...

You don't have to say it, I know it...John's a lucky man...

Alternate Title: Things to Do in a Farmer's Market When Bored

PS. Yes, those are Confederate flags in the background...that's how you know I live amongst the illuminati

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Opinions are like....well, you know...

John and I joined the world of Blockbuster Online, kind of like the younger, much cooler little sister of Netflix. You create a queue online and then you can return the movies in the store and get a free rental for each movie you return to the store. As soon as you do, they ship your next three movies (almost) immediately. Because of this, we've become movie freaks; we loaded the queue with every movie we've ever wanted to see (bad or good) and once we get it in our hot little hands, we put it into the DVD, riding on a wing and a prayer. I've decided because of all the movies that we've been watching while we "fork on the couch" that I will start doing regular movie reviews. After this somewhat long list of movies to review, I will only review three movies at a time. Hopefully, I will become a little more skilled in my ability to talk about a movie's plot, my opinion and the actors' abilities as I go. Right now, I'm definitely a novice!! These are obviously my own opinions, and I've decided to give a two to four sentence review for each movie and then give it an official Gummi Bear Head Rating aka GBH (copyright pending). One GBH= total suckfest to Five GBH=the most awesome dryhumpfest you ever had before you lost your virginity (pretend you don't know what I mean, go ahead...I dare you. Oh and I'm sure that Siskel (rest his soul) and Ebert wish they would've thought of this rating scheme first!)

Let's begin!

PS. John, may chime in on here with his own (differing) opinions, as he is now a "team member" of this blog. He'll probably use a different font color, if he has time...*edit* he's informed me that he's going to do a "thumbs up haiku" segment, so we'll see.

This is a product of Project Greenlight; it should've been a product of Project Redlight. John refers to this movie as the "Gay Henry Rollins Movie", I concur. It has a bit of potential but the horrible "hide the monster" effects are so distracting that you want to bang your head on the TV screen and pray for the movie to end. We both feel asleep while people were (supposedly) getting their heads ripped off their bodies in what I guess was supposed to be a tongue in cheek gorefest. GBH rating=1

The Machinist
Christian Bale is yummy, yummy,yummy...but not in this movie. He actually reaches my goal weight of 119 (which I will never ever see) as he attempts to overcome paranoia, sleep a little (he hasn't slept in a year), settle down with a lovely Jennifer Jason Leigh, figure out who Ivan is while also attempting to figure out who is leaving him weird hangman notes. The movie is good, that being said, it moves very slowly. Not everyone will like this movie, but I did, however--it's a one watch only! I've seen the movie before and tried to watch it with John this time around and I ended up doing laundry. It's kind of in the same vein of Memento. GBH rating= 4.0

Ulli Lommel's Black Dahlia
I was able to watch thirty seconds of this movie before I turned to John and said, "My life is too short to watch this movie" and I ripped it out of the DVD player. The first 30 seconds were wretched. The rental itself was an accident, as we meant to get De Palma's Black Dahlia. GBH rating= (while unfair) .5

The Night Listener
I'm not a big fan of Robin Williams outside of Mork and Mindy, Awakenings and yes, I liked Dead Poets Society, but I wanted to give this movie a chance. Robin Williams' character is a writer/radio personality who tells his tales in serial format in a show that airs at night. He is contacted by a collegue who has a book written by an extremely young boy (I think 14) called the "Blacking House" which is filled with sexual abuse at the hands of his parents (amongst others). The boy wants to talk with Gabriel (Williams' character) and they form a relationship where they speak on a daily basis. The identity of the boy and the existence of the boy comes into question and that's where the movie "takes off". To be fair, I liked the premise of the movie; I thought the acting was well done--but for some reason (it could be as simple as personal preference), I didn't end up caring enough about the characters to really follow the movie that closely. Ultimately, I think it's rentable but it's not a griping thriller (which again, I don't think it's meant to be a griping thriller, it's meant to make us thing about identity, our interactions with people and how much influence we have on the tapestry of our own personal narrative). GBH rating= (very tough...) 3.5 (sorry...that was a long one!!)

(Hidden)(Subtitled) This is a french film about regret and how painful and lingering lies can be. I believe this was meant to be high art, there isn't a lot going on in the plot but the meaning hits home. There is one moment of the movie where both John and I jumped from the couch our legs all akimbo and mouths agape...this one moment made the movie worth it for me. GBH rating=3.0

Actually it a movie called Odishon. This is a Japanese movie about a man who is lonely. His wife has been dead for several years and he wishes to remarry. Uncomfortable with the dating scene, his friend who is a television show producer, allows him to run a fake audition to meet potential brides. Without giving anything away, I will say that this movie is not for the squeamish but I thought it was excellent. The development of Japanese widower and the woman of his affections was extremely well done as were the moments outside of reality towards the end of the movie.
GBH rating= 4.5

We also went to the movies and saw this:

Pan's Labrynth

(Laberinto del Fauno, El)
The movie takes place in rural Spain where a little girl travels with her pregnant mother to live with her new step father who is a general in Franco's army. Ofelia (the little girl) creates a world of fantasy (or does this world truly exist??) to exist beyond the world of her terrifyingly brutal step father, the strange surroundings and her helplessness. The world she creates is no less dark than the one in which she lives but it is an escape nonetheless. It's hard to talk about this movie without talking about it. I would recommend this movie highly. GBH=5.0

Next up? Throne of Blood, The Devil and Daniel Johnston, Videodrome

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