This is blog of a woman who didn't know what she wanted and so chased after dreams and men in search of the answers...drunken hilarity ensued. Then one day she met a man who was everything she wanted, but he wasn't so sure. Then she did the unthinkable; after they broke up she gave him this blog address and she let him into her mind as well as her heart. Unbelievably, even after sorting through the sordid archives of failed relationships, one night stands and her lusty (and embarassing) pursuit to secure the heart of a certain young line cook, John somehow managed to fall in love with her too. Melina and John were married a little over six months after they started dating, running away to Las Vegas to seal the deal. You can imagine what the over/under bet was to see if they'd even make it a year!! Over a year later and they are still going strong...this blog has become their story. Need to tell me something? Email me at Melinalovesjohnny at gmail dot com
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Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Geriatric Pick-Up Lines

I went out with my mother-in-law tonight to thitwbar ( the bar that I call "the hole in the wall bar" because that's what it it is) while Johnny (her son) was at night class. It was an eye opener into the dating scene of those later in life, let me tell you. I had this preconceived notion that older "gentlemen" were more genteel, that they didn't use smarmy pick up lines or talk about sex in the middle of the bar. I'm not totally sure why I thought this because older men have always tried to pick me up in the bars but GOLLY what I saw tonight...well, you'll see.

John's mom is a gorgeous older woman and she's no stranger to the bar scene. A man walks up to us and this is what I heard:

Old guy with grey mustache (hence to be known as ogwgm): Where have you been?
Mother in law (MIL): You never called me, I waited, but you never called .(Sparkle in her eye) Too late, I'm involved with someone else now!
Ogwgm: I'm sorry, I should've called...

* me musing* This guy doesn't seem have bad. He seems repentant...hmmm....
MIL: Yeah you should've!
Ogwgm starts to tell me what he does for a living and it turns out that he's an electrician...uh uh, here comes an electrician/sex joke. And then says, "I see two beautiful girls, I wanted to talk to them before I went home...I need to get horny!

*me musing* Gross

MIL: (coyly) You know, I still have your card...
Ogwm: Oh yeah? Well you know...electricians are good at checking shorts. If you ever need your shorts checked...I'm the guy to call.

*me musing* Ok, that was a little cheesy but it's cute coming from this old guy.
MIL: *just looks flustered*
Ogwm: *backpedaling* I was just kidding about that...but if you did have a short, I'd check it!

Interlude of flirting continues...and then...and then...he discuses the benefits of Viagra...yep, he did it.

Ogwm: So, I take Viagra.

*me musing* Is this flirting in the older people's world??
MIL: *just smiles, obviously doesn't know what to say.

Ogwm: It last twelve hours! I don't know how it works, but it does...

MIL: My man doesn't need Viagra... (for Johnny's sake I'll explain why...they're not having sex, but she didn't tell Ogwm that)

Ogwm: (looks crushed and remains silent)

Me:(trying not to snicker)
It must be hard to sleep like that!

Ogwm: (becoming the obvious expert) Oh no, you have to get turned on to use it...someone or something has to turn me on. But Jesus, I take it, I use it (elbows me) if you know what I mean, and then in the morning I wake up and I'm ready to use it again!

Me: Really? You should try Cialis, I heard that works for 36 hours! (Cialis, call me...apparently I'm your new spokesgirl since I've memorized your stupid commercials!)

Ogwm: (elbows me's getting a little annoying) I just got a prescription this week!

Me: (playing the bitch) Oh yeah? Gonna test those babies out this weekend?

Ogwm: (patently ignores me but goes on) Seriously, I can't wait to try it but I don't know what it's gonna be like. With Viagra I get so's like I squeeze it, and there's nothing to squeeze!

Me: (awful thought in my head and I want to die so I murmur under my breath) Geriatric Penis Be Out! By the Power of Christ I Compel Thee!!!

MIL: *says something witty and tries to change the subject*

Ogwm: * murmurs something to MIL that I can't really hear except that I do catch the end about "eating something"

Me: (sharp intake of breath and the thought, "Old guys really do that???" Obviously, I'm prejudiced against the generations above me, I don't know why...I think it was his gross grey mustache that made me have sex tunnel vision)

MIL: *slaps Ogwm's arm playfully

Ogwm: (turns to me) What?!? What did I say? Don't YOU like that??

Me: (blushing) Um...well...of course..(muttering) Yeah I like it...but um, she's my mother in law and I don't want to talk about that stuff 'cuz um....that's her son and all....

MIL: Uh yeah... (but looks at me with interest as if it was the first interesting thing I talked about all night)

Me: (to myself) someone please kill me now!

Ogwm: (triumphantly) See, she likes it!

Me: (pleadingly) I didn't say that!!!

MIL:(gracefully gets him to leave us) So, I guess we'll talk to you later.

That was my night out. I found out that my MIL is hanging out with a 67 year old man (NOT the electrician that offered to check her shorts), she loves toys that need batteries but the men in her life have been threatened by it ( thank god I've never experienced that before) and she learned that I like it when her son goes down on me. The only thing I can say is that, at least I didn't extol his master talents in that area!

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posted by Melina at 9:24 PM