What do you give the friend who seems to have everything, who likes wine and is also a bitch (a lovable one of course)?? Well, I got her a bottle of Bitch wine. I'll let you know if she thinks it's as good as the packaging looks!

Because I have to join the rest of the world and go back to work next week, my friends, the BCTs and I decided to have one last hurrah...and by hurrah I mean, a potluck dinner and a few glasses of wine. Over email, I piped up that I would be happy to make Chicken Marsala, which is probably the tastiest thing I can make in all the world. So this afternoon I set to work. Proud of my culinary talents, I packed everything up in some Tupperware, I followed the directions to my friend's new home.

When I pulled up I saw that I was the first to arrive. Not strange, I'm obsessive about being early or on time. I grabbed my phone and called Kelly. "Hey, are you 101 or 110?" She paused and seemed confused. I repeated myself, "Is your house number 101 or 110?" Kelly replied, "101" but there seemed to be a question in her voice. "OK, well I'm here" I said cheerily.

She opened the door with a baby on her hip and her dog did his best to tell me that he was not amused by my presence. She smiled and said, "This is going to be really funny..." I set my chicken on the counter and said, "What is?"
"Well M, you're a week early. But just think, you can take your chicken home and share it with John and then you can improve on it for next week."

So yeah, I apparently like to be so early that now I arrive at events a week early.

I am an ass.

Time with John is always limited. His commute takes several hours away from us every day. Having the summer off now is a little bittersweet. Of course, it's great to have the time off but now instead of just laying out, sleeping off the occasional hangover (because I could go out any night of the week with my friends who have weird work schedules) or ordering take out; I now find myself watching the clock to see how many hours until John comes home. And as soon as he does come home, we try to cram in as much as we can together. Last night was no different.

It started with a leftover pasta dish and a HoneyBrown each on the deck. We moved inside for a little geek-time where we watched our tivoed episode of Jeopardy! as always...did you know that it's my dream to be on that show??? I tried out twice. The first time I was close, the second time I missed my tryout because I was mopey over one of John and my breakups but the third time, I tried to do the online tryout and use John to help me cheat...that time I did the worst. What can I say? Karma's a bitch! Mid Jeopardy! John did the unthinkable and gave me a "sign" that he would like my tender ministrations on his penis. That sign being that it was out and ready to go. Do you think it's uncouth to mumble gameshow answers mid-blowjob? I think the jury is still out on that one.

Then it was time for our bike ride. After pumping up my tires, we were off. It's been a long time since I've been on my bike but every time I do hop on, I'm amazed at how free I feel. We hopped over curbs, did slow lazy meandering collision courses over in the school parking lots, swerved past pedestrians and yelled hellos to people we knew on the streets as we whizzed by them. Pulling into our driveway I felt exhilaration coursing through my veins. John was babbling about how much he loves his bike (he just had it fixed and it's the first time it has been rideable since last May) but I couldn't hear him. It was then that I fell off my bike and landed on my elbow. Apparently, in my exhilaration, I forgot to pedal and about gravity. As I lay in the driveway laughing, John parked his bike and picked me up to see if anything aside from my ego was bruised. I'm proud to say that nothing was. I'm sure the plethora of neighbors outside watching the spectacle will say that I was probably drunk or off my meds (neither being true--only one beer with dinner and I have no meds to speak of). Whatever. At least they'll never be interviewed and say, "She was always such a quiet girl, I can't believe she did this...".

Tonight is a BCT member's wedding...does the groom know how rowdy this could get??

Tonight's my first night away from John since we've been married...and our wii came too! I don't know which part I'm more said about!!! At least I'll be drinking my face off at the beach with my girlfriends (the BCTs--bitches coming together), so I won't dwell on it too much. Updates on that craziness when I return.

But tomorrow,all of my Cornfield friends and I are off to see these guys (the Deftones!)!!! I'm so excited!

I can't even do justice to my birthday party in a post...I just can't. I will say that John has an awesome sense of detail...there were pirate flags EVERYWHERE, the cups had the Jolly Roger on them, there were skull napkins, pirate balloons and everything! I felt very loved and very 30...everyone had to make sure to put that on my cards! (Grrr, jerks! ha ha). My mom provided us with tasty eats and everyone else provided me with enough liquor and beer to ensure the fact that I didn't get out of bed until 3pm the next day. And the gifts?? The gifts were as out there as I am... I got a gong for my birthday. A gong?!? John, however, pampered me and took me to the mall where I purchased all the makeup I could possibly want and I had it applied while he watched on so that I looked phenomenal before my party. He's fantastic.


Moving on...

Last night was my BCT meeting (bitches coming together) with all my friends from work. I highly suggest you start a chapter yourselves, I will allow this, since I am a founding member of something that could sweep the nation (or it could just remain the 10 of us, which is just as fine too). The theme last night was a holdover...it was Mardi Gras (since two of the girls actually went this year). We chowed on jumbalia, red beans and rice, king cake and pralines. Mmmmm. Our typical conversations revolve around work gossip and speculation, discussing what sluts/whore/innocents we are or were, husbands/boyfriends/hot boys, busting on each other, and lots and lots of laughing. Gossip was a little light last night because most of our conversations revolved around birthing babies. This was due in part to the fact that two of our own recently did just that. The things I learned last night should be illegal and should not be shared with future potential mothers. I swear I had nightmares. Like an ostrich, from now on, I am declaring that ignorance is bliss.

Moving on yet again...

My dog at my dinner tonight. Never in my life have I been so angry with her and never in my life has she ever done this. Grrrrr. So. Hungry.


Sorry for the shitty post, I will try and think of something creative for tomorrow--- I just felt the need to babble tonight.

Anyone else making their own valentine's this year?? These are for my BCTs (Bitches Coming Together)...I have yet to decide what Johnny's valentine is going to look like. I went to my childhood doctor to see if he'd give me an x-ray of my heart, but he said no, so it's back to the drawing board.

Whaddya think about these? Not too shabby right?

Last night was my turn to host the BCT meeting, BCT stands for "Bitches Coming Together". My friends from work and I created this idea so that we don't get burned out from our jobs. And here's what we do--we take turns hosting BCT and once a month we get invited to a friend's house--go along with some wacky theme, eat a delicious meal, get a little tipsy and laugh hysterically at each other.


Since my BCT turn fell around Christmas we turned it into a Pollyanna event. I got my friend Ml this year and since she's known for her wild "jump on the stage with the band" antics, I purchased her a one man band kit...she will now be running around with castanets--it makes me proud that I'm responsible for this. As my gift, I received a blockbuster card and...wait for it...a David Hasselhoff clock!! Whooo! My friends obviously know who they're dealing with.


On the menu last evening was beef tips and mushroom gravy, mashed potatoes, peas (corn for people who don't like peas...who are these people? They should be eliminated) and then I attempted to make a chocolate turtle skillet cake. There was a problem with that. First, I didn't have a skillet that I thought could withstand the heat of the over so I decided to forgo the skillet. My alternative?? I used a very deep glass bowl. Unfortunately, for me I had a little too much wine (oh my god!! have you ever gotten Smoking Loon wine?? The cork has "whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo 'cough' whoo whoo whoo" on it...I've never laughed so hard at a cork in my life!!) and my wine addled brain couldn't figure out why the cake wasn't cooking. So what did I do?? I served cake sludge of course!! People ladled out "cake" onto their plates in little brown puddles and chowed down as if it was the way it was supposed to be. I love my friends. They don't make me feel as inept as I probably am.


Proof that I can throw a good get together (Which by the way *rubbing knuckles on shirt* I was told that I have thrown the BEST BCT ever!) is that my friend Jackie got tipsy and wrote weird, funny, rambly messages to people which I found this morning as I stumbled around getting ready for work today. I have for you several exhibits of this behavior. *Names will be changed to protect the guilty.


Exhibit A

"K peed on the side of the road. B looks like she is a 40 year old Brazilian woman. When I come from Punjabi, you come pick me up."


Exhibit B

"Melina stop molesting B with the hook--you might pop her fake boobs. I wish you had more mushrooms for me. I will threaten you with a stick of pepperoni--you will love it. I saw you with my big meat loaf. One time I saw you at the supermarket and you had on purple panties. They weren't yours--were they M.E's (the super old lady who works with us)? Imagine if M.E had a peg leg. Cool--I know--I pictured it too.


Exhibit C

"B,

You are a really smelly bitch. Sometimes when I wear bras outside my clothes I take pictures for you. Matt is marrying you because you are a slut who gives head in the car and kitchen. Please don't fall down in the strip club because you have big boobs and little feet."


Exhibit D

J,

Open your mouth and let him in- Trust me, he will appreciate it. Remember when your anal beads got stuck in the potty (that never happened to J by the way)? You are my best black friend (She isn't black!). What do you love poles? I love them too. Let's go somewhere and get in a brawl. Don't worry , I got your back- Do you think we could win a fight- no weapons- just hand to hand combat?"



This just proves that it was a hilarious night AND that new mothers who are released back into the wild get a little nutsy when first reintroduced to the 'sauce'! I feel so lucky with my life right now...I have the best friends, the most wonderful husband, and an awesome dog. Never in my life have I been so content, so happy, constantly looking forward to what great thing is going to happen next. I feel all warm and flushed as if I were constantly tipsy and giggling.

...actually I don't want anything this year. It's sad but I'm pretending that Christmas doesn't exist. I had one gift exchange and we were allowed to spend $20, and I spent exactly that...I never do that. If it has a $20 a limit, I'll easily hit the 50 or 60 dollar mark...easily. So broke ass...as I like to call myself spent exactly $20 (as you can see in the post below).

Our gift exchange was so much fun. Jackie's husband cooked us dinner and then headed for the hills (some undisclosed location...possibly a bunker). We stuffed our faces and then guessed our "secret santas"...and then we opened our presents.

I ended up with some skinny sharpie markers (like I asked for on my little email wish list) and an awesome shirt with a picture of Shakespeare and the phrase, "Prose before Hos" which makes perfect sense to me. Obviously, my santa loved me, and got me a pretty cool set of gifts.

Now, onto other pressing matters. I have to talk to a man about an alternator--because mine, dear friends, would like to leave me for the holidays. Bastard!

In about a half hour I'll be over at my friend's house for a gift exchange. Her husband has made us tons of awesome food, I'm bringing champagne and chambord and I heard there are going to be other fabulous items there.

The gift exchange is secondary to hanging out with seven awesome girls...we had to draw names and we were only allowed to spend $20 on each other. I picked my friend Jackie, for the second year in a row. I opted for the gag gift option. I got her a pill sized item that when she puts it under water it turns into a washcloth that says, "Wash away your issues". A bobblehead mouse thingy that you can put a different picture in the face...I of course, put my own photo in there. I also bought her a lovely peony scented candle.

Can I wait for my gift? No I sure can't...it could be interesting, we've added people to the posse that don't know me all that well. I'll let you know when I get back.