...who just happen to snarl and bite each other. Oh and poop on pillows...yup, Sir Naughty strikes again. He can't go outside, and he can't just poop on the floor (which isn't ideal either) but oh no, the prince has to present his excrement for me to find perfectly placed on a pillow. What happened to glass slippers?

The worst part? This is now the second time he has done this in the past 24 hours.

Well, vacation is winding quickly to a close. I don't have much to show for it except I probably gained ten pounds--I guess it was fun putting them on, but I'm sure it won't be fun taking them off. Where my break has been pretty quiet and mostly lazy (getting to read books, watch tons of movies and mindless TV) today has been nothing short of insanity and I've only been awake for a half hour.

You see, John and I are watching his brother's dog while he's celebrating NYE in North Carolina with some of his friends. My brother in law should've named this dog Naughty. He's adorable and tiny (and sounds like a little pig when he snorts and walks) but he is 100% bad! Already today he chased my poor dog around with a pillow which he was trying to smother her with. Seriously, I wouldn't believe it myself unless I had seen it. He woke me up by standing on my head and sniffing my ear. Then he puked on me. That typically gets a person out of bed. I have to hand it to him, it's an effective method for getting people to do what you want.

Now Sir Naughty is only 1/2 of the equation. Frankie doesn't like to share. She runs around and gathers up all her toys (my socks) holding about 12 in her mouth so that Naughty can't take them. She also feels the need to protect my lap from being laid in by the other dog. Frankie isn't a lap dog, Naughty is. So instead of a 15 lb dog nestled in my lap, I have a 55 lb dog snoring on me as we speak. Because they (Naughty stealing stuff and Frankie trying to take it all back from him) run around here at a breakneck speed carrying around CDs, empty cigaratte boxes, lighters, candles and/or anything else they can fit within their drooping jowls every fifteen minutes or so my lap turns into napzone and they squirm and struggle to see who's going to get the spot! I have to say that John would fight for my lap too, it's a nice place to be. And just as quickly chaos ensued, I have two dogs spooning on my lap snoring loudly. And you know what they say about sleeping dogs...
...you let them lie.
Because in a few short minutes we're going to be doing this whole routine all over again.

*edit*
Oh dear lord, I want these dogs to sleep for as long as humanly/caninely possible but Naughty needs some kind of Beano and I need some form of gas mask. This is cruel and unusual punishment.

1. I came home the other day to find that ER's puppy (John's brother), had found my family size bottle of Elmer's White Glue...now why they make a family sized version and why I have it? It's all a mystery to me too! What happened though, was no mystery. Norman (the puppy who looks similar to this but much cuter) decided to chew open the glue and spread it all over himself and my poor tortured dog Frankie. Frankie looked at me as if to say, "Why did you do this to me? Why are you forsaking me?" And then she looked at me with menace and I swore if she could talk she would've said, "Get out of my sight before I have to cut a bitch!"

2. John and I wanted a little alone time together since John's brother is living with us for the rest of the month until his apartment is ready for him. The only place where you can be alone in our small house without looking anti-social is the bathroom...so we took a shower together. It's something that we used to all the time, but you see our bathtub is absolutely tiny...like almost as small as this. So, whenever we switch places to get closer to actual water there is brief moment when I feel like I'm playing the world's most deadly game of Twister...particularly when John drops the soap (insert prison joke here) and makes the bottom of the tub that much slicker. Seriously, if he didn't love me and if I wasn't worth like .35 cents dead, I'd almost think that he was trying to kill me.

3. My friend who is getting married this summer wrote me an email about how much she detests bra shopping but that she should probably purchase a " few new bras as she's going into this marriage." For some reason that just really tickled me. I'm wondering what state her brassieres are in right now...

4. I was talking with my friends over lunch and my one friend told me that her husband doesn't like the DIY version of This Old House because it's too commercialized and "sexy"...he misses the old PBS versions. He also likes The Deadliest Catch too, which I think is hilarious because if you've seen one episode, you've seen them all. Here let me catch you up. "Oh geez, it's really, really cold out here!" "Oh my gosh! We might get swept overboard!" "Holy crap! There aren't any crabs in the trap! We MUST STOP OVER FISHING...well, except for this time!" And that's my interpretation of the Deadliest Catch.

One thing that doesn't make me laugh hard? John took off for the rest of the week so that means that he's off today through Monday...it makes me want to stab him in the eye with a spoon as I get ready for work. However, since I'm a benevolent soul, I guess he can take off since he has to watch me lounge around work-free/carefree ALL summer!!!

I'm sure there are other things...but I'll be damned if I can remember!

I can't even do justice to my birthday party in a post...I just can't. I will say that John has an awesome sense of detail...there were pirate flags EVERYWHERE, the cups had the Jolly Roger on them, there were skull napkins, pirate balloons and everything! I felt very loved and very 30...everyone had to make sure to put that on my cards! (Grrr, jerks! ha ha). My mom provided us with tasty eats and everyone else provided me with enough liquor and beer to ensure the fact that I didn't get out of bed until 3pm the next day. And the gifts?? The gifts were as out there as I am... I got a gong for my birthday. A gong?!? John, however, pampered me and took me to the mall where I purchased all the makeup I could possibly want and I had it applied while he watched on so that I looked phenomenal before my party. He's fantastic.


Moving on...

Last night was my BCT meeting (bitches coming together) with all my friends from work. I highly suggest you start a chapter yourselves, I will allow this, since I am a founding member of something that could sweep the nation (or it could just remain the 10 of us, which is just as fine too). The theme last night was a holdover...it was Mardi Gras (since two of the girls actually went this year). We chowed on jumbalia, red beans and rice, king cake and pralines. Mmmmm. Our typical conversations revolve around work gossip and speculation, discussing what sluts/whore/innocents we are or were, husbands/boyfriends/hot boys, busting on each other, and lots and lots of laughing. Gossip was a little light last night because most of our conversations revolved around birthing babies. This was due in part to the fact that two of our own recently did just that. The things I learned last night should be illegal and should not be shared with future potential mothers. I swear I had nightmares. Like an ostrich, from now on, I am declaring that ignorance is bliss.

Moving on yet again...

My dog at my dinner tonight. Never in my life have I been so angry with her and never in my life has she ever done this. Grrrrr. So. Hungry.


Sorry for the shitty post, I will try and think of something creative for tomorrow--- I just felt the need to babble tonight.