I am high on life right now. The Universe just opened up and said to me, "Melina, you're still hot...even at thirty and even if you do have a little double chin kiddo!" And this is how...

I was on my way to pick up a new book and I was following behind a bus full of middle school boys. First they waved at me, so I waved back. They looked at each other with excitement and bounced around with what I believe was sheer glee. Then one kid stepped up to the window and held a piece of paper against the glass. I leaned forward and squinted assuming that they had written every curseword they knew and were trying to impress me by telling me to "Fuck off bitch!" or something equally "cute". But no...

I couldn't read it, so I raised my hands to the sky and shrugged, giving them the universal code for, "I have no idea what that says!" and so the leader of the pack kid leans against the glass, smooches it, winks, and gives me the "Call me!" sign with his thumb and pinky while wiggling his eyebrows up and down like Groucho Marx. I couldn't stiffle my giggles.

Instead of them all busting into laughter as I expected, the other boys put their windows down and leaned their heads out and I heard four young voices screaming, "Do it! Do it! You're so fucking hot! Call him!" and they threw a ball of paper out the window (with presumably the digits). This must've been the last straw because the bus driver stopped the bus. He went to the back and from what I could see, he yelled at the boys. Then he got off the bus, picked up the ball of paper and said to me, "Sorry about these boys...they shouldn't be cursing out the window." I could only reply, "Don't worry about it, they're only boys." Very good, sweet, wonderful boys for making me feel "so fucking hot". ha ha...

I don't know how this story slipped my mind...but somehow John came away unscathed because I hadn't posted this story on the blog--and we can't have that, now can we?!? Hells no!

Last weekend John and I got a bit drunk on our deck while listening to Bob Dylan, munching on some grilled foods and sipping on whiskey. Somehow, I managed to get myself more than a little tipsy so I excused myself from a drunken game of wii golf that we always end up playing when we've had a little too much, and I sneaked away uptairs to sleep. Eyeing up my options, a nice cushy queen sized bed or the floor as sleeping choices, I picked wisely. I chose the floor as the ideal place for slumber, I grabbed my pillow from the bed and I happily closed my eyes...and this is where the story gets interesting.

Apparently while I was sleeping, a certain drunken Johnny came upstairs and beheld his naked wife passed out, ahem, sleeping on the bedroom floor. The drunkard thought to himself, "Hmm...you know what Melina probably wants right now? I bet she wants to be tied up!" (I picture him scratching his beard while coming up with this bang up idea). So drunken husband o' the year sets about looking for things to use to tie me up with. All the while I'm just snoring away, blissfully unaware of what he's doing.

From his account of the evening's activities, John said that he wandered around the room and settled upon my pink robe tie and a pair of flannel pajama pants. The pants he tied over my face as a "little blindfold" because (as he chuckled) he didn't want me to wake up and see him (Oh of course not, because he knew that I would've probably decked him!) He managed to expertly get my arms behind my back and well...tie them up with the pink robe tie. Ok, so this story might be sexy if I had been awake (if you're into that), it might've been a little more perverted if he hadn't fallen asleep in the empty bed, but the story just turns out to be plain old funny because...

John passed out on the bed, leaving me to wake up the next morning wondering why I was blind and why I couldn't move my arms! After a long struggle, I managed to free my hands and then get rid of the damn pair of pajamas that were tied to my head. Call me Melina Houdini...if you will. You can imagine that I was more than a little confused because I damn well knew that when I put myself to bed I left off the blindfold. "Hmmm...who could it have been?", I thought to myself. Looking around the room, I quickly recognized the culprit who was sleeping the sleep of the guilty, alone in the bed while I had been naked on the floor with nothing for warmth but a robe tie! Of course, I woke John up to find out what the hell he had been up to but he just mumbled sleepily, "You looked so cute on the floor, I tied you up!" and with that he gave me a sweet smile and fell back to sleep leaving me scratch my head and rub my wrists a little wondering who the hell I married.

Watch your back Johnny boy, I've got a little of duct tape that has your name all over it...I'm just saying...

Like all married couples we like to mix it up a little in the bedroom...

so last night was no surprise when John made quite a bold suggestion, and then I took that suggestion and ran with it! I could hear the incredulity in his voice as he said in the dark, "You're really going to do that?!?"

And kids, I can proudly say that I really did it...

I switched sides of the bed with him and we slept at the foot of the bed.

You don't have to tell me, smugly I can say that we are totally wild.


Sorry this is a way better story than when we were sitting on the couch and I started giving him a blow job while Cash Cab was on last night. What can I say, I'm competitive...if I know that the answer is "Mei Kong Delta" you damn well better believe I'm going to come up for air and shout it out. That's just the kinda gal I am.

Some things to consider about our tarnished character:

John and I have been relishing in the Teen Jeopardy--Summer Games, because we can "totally school a bunch of teenagers" as he so elloquently put it. Yeah, that's right, we are excited about the fact that we have a more than decent grasp on bullshit categories such as "You Tube" and "Pop Music".

To make matters worse:

I relish in making fun of the teen contestants, John merely makes observations. The sweet freshman that was on the show last night made John turn to me and say, "She looks like someone...but who?" After a moment's pause he came back with, "She looks like Corey Feldman!" And it wasn't an insult against the poor kid, she just really looked like a young Corey Feldman. Now like I said, I like to make fun of the kids. For example, yesterday's young winner liked to build homing devices and put them in things that he often loses...for example, his backpack or his coat. I turned to John and said, "I guess he doesn't need to put a homing device on his virginity, does he?" See? That's just mean. True, but mean...and in about five years the smarty pants will probably own my soul with one of his new inventions--so, it's a trade off of sorts.

National Geographic anyone? Anyone?!?:

John and I sat staring at a Praying Mantis that was sitting on our table on the deck. John said something to the effect that we were watching the world's most boring episode of National Geographic. I pointed out that I still had my shirt on and thus wasn't quite that authentic. With neighbors milling about on either side of us, John did not urge me to peel off my top. His loss. I realized (after 10 minutes of intense staring) that the neighbors couldn't see the mantis and so to them, it appeared that we were both leaning forward and staring crazily at one distinct spot on our table. After seeing the mantis poke at a beetle, I decided to go inside so that the neighbors didn't have anything more to talk about...as if that were ever going to happen. We've already been called oddballs under their breath as we left the deck one night, lord knows what they call us behind closed doors.

And finally, if you had any respect for me, it's now gone:

My final submission of nerd-dom. I believe I've finally turned John to the "dark side" (we'll use terminology that he can understand). For a man who just loves himself some Star Wars, he was awfully reluctant to learn anything about Harry Potter. OK, whatever. I like Harry Potter...not enough to camp out to get the latest book or run to the midnight showing, but I think I have a healthy love for the kid. Amazingly, John has been able to avoid Herr Potter for all these years--until, I brought the first DVD home for him to watch. For the first 20 minutes, I had to fight him about turning it off/finding anything else to do except watching it(including rearranging couch pillows, ball scratching and belly button exploration). But finally, something clicked in his nerd DNA and he declared last night, "I think I love him!" And guess who rented the second DVD for him? That's right, I'm going to make him beg for a little more Potter...it's like pulling his x-wing star fighter in with my tractor beam (that's my little Star Wars reference to make him feel more comfortable with his latest trek down the Geek Path).

***PS. John, don't you think I look a little like Ashley Madison, over there in the ads??? You know, if I would put makeup on in the summer!?!****

John gets home from work and while we're munching on dinner (I'm becoming a good cook, yo!) I tell him, "Oh my god John, I watched the saddest movie today!" because let's be honest, aside from laying out, my day wasn't all that exciting. He said, "Oh yeah? Which movie?" I replied, "Dear Frankie". He said, "Why was it so sad? What's it about?"

And so, with tears welling in my eyes as I thought back to the movie, and I carefully told him in about ten minutes all about the movie. As I wiped a single tear away, I waited for him to mock me for loving such an obvious chick flick. Instead, he says, "Wow, you tell the worst stories!" and he laughed at me. He laughed! I became indignant, "You asked what the movie was about, so I told you!"

"M, I asked for a synopsis of the story...I doubt you'd find all of what you said on the back of the box!" And then the smartass picked up the case and pretended to read my "long synopsis" on the back of the case. Then he turned to me and said, "Do you think we can get you to pretend to read the back and you could just retell the plot and I can video tape it?"

What a db...I liked it better when he wanted to film me naked.

PS. I'm not mocking Native Americans, I'm mocking this poorly made commercial.

1. I came home the other day to find that ER's puppy (John's brother), had found my family size bottle of Elmer's White Glue...now why they make a family sized version and why I have it? It's all a mystery to me too! What happened though, was no mystery. Norman (the puppy who looks similar to this but much cuter) decided to chew open the glue and spread it all over himself and my poor tortured dog Frankie. Frankie looked at me as if to say, "Why did you do this to me? Why are you forsaking me?" And then she looked at me with menace and I swore if she could talk she would've said, "Get out of my sight before I have to cut a bitch!"

2. John and I wanted a little alone time together since John's brother is living with us for the rest of the month until his apartment is ready for him. The only place where you can be alone in our small house without looking anti-social is the bathroom...so we took a shower together. It's something that we used to all the time, but you see our bathtub is absolutely tiny...like almost as small as this. So, whenever we switch places to get closer to actual water there is brief moment when I feel like I'm playing the world's most deadly game of Twister...particularly when John drops the soap (insert prison joke here) and makes the bottom of the tub that much slicker. Seriously, if he didn't love me and if I wasn't worth like .35 cents dead, I'd almost think that he was trying to kill me.

3. My friend who is getting married this summer wrote me an email about how much she detests bra shopping but that she should probably purchase a " few new bras as she's going into this marriage." For some reason that just really tickled me. I'm wondering what state her brassieres are in right now...

4. I was talking with my friends over lunch and my one friend told me that her husband doesn't like the DIY version of This Old House because it's too commercialized and "sexy"...he misses the old PBS versions. He also likes The Deadliest Catch too, which I think is hilarious because if you've seen one episode, you've seen them all. Here let me catch you up. "Oh geez, it's really, really cold out here!" "Oh my gosh! We might get swept overboard!" "Holy crap! There aren't any crabs in the trap! We MUST STOP OVER FISHING...well, except for this time!" And that's my interpretation of the Deadliest Catch.

One thing that doesn't make me laugh hard? John took off for the rest of the week so that means that he's off today through Monday...it makes me want to stab him in the eye with a spoon as I get ready for work. However, since I'm a benevolent soul, I guess he can take off since he has to watch me lounge around work-free/carefree ALL summer!!!

I'm sure there are other things...but I'll be damned if I can remember!

Tiff was kind enough to come up with five fabulous questions for me, if you would like to participate let me know and I'll try and think of five questions for you as well.

1) Since we all are guilty if leaving things unsaid… Is there someone in your past you really wish you could go back and speak to, get something off your chest or just clear the air with but can't?
Well, this would've been a different answer a couple of months ago before I talked with my former best friend/who moved into my townhouse/moved out of my townhouse after letting her beagle destroy my brand new home/ then we hadn't spoken to each other for three years. If I hadn't gone into her work to talk to her (even if it was just that once), then I would've wanted to try and make ammends and speak with her.
Other than her, I would say that they only other person where things will forever be muddled would be with my very ex-boyfriend from 2002. This is because he broke up with me because " his heart wasn't into a serious relationship" and then he got married six months later. Well...I think at the time, I would've had a few choice words for him, mostly about being honest. Now, I could care less for a couple reasons-- a) I ended up with the most awesome husband around! b) I never see the ex so I rarely think about him, in fact I hadn't really thought of him at all until this question. Finally, c) The only reason why I used to want to talk to him was my pride, I wanted to "show him how he messed up"...not realizing at the time that he wouldn't see it that way. So if I could go back in time and talk with him, I would, but I don't really have anyone that I've left anything unfinished with in present day.

2) If you could travel anywhere in the world, with an unlimited budget, where would you go? What would you do there? I would do a completely tropical tour. I'd go to Hawaii, to Bali, to Costa Rica, Australia, The Caymans, Bora Bora...anywhere as long as the sands were bleached white, the ocean was crystaline and amazingly blue and the air was warm. I would go exploring volcanoes, lie on the sandy beaches, swim in the ocean, do some sorely missed scuba diving, sip sweet drinks on the beach while digging my toes in the sand, and I would smooch John at every opportunity given to me. It wouldn't have to be too adventurous for me to have fun (but it could be) I would be more than content relaxing, working on my tan and being catered to. I've never had a lazy vacation...I've alway been on the go, go, go.

3) What one thing do you know now that you wish you'd known in High School or College? If given the opportunity would you go back and change decisions you made based on this knowledge?
Hmm, I probably would've slept with my next door neighbor at 16 rather than when I was 22. It was some of the most mediocre sex ever (and he left his converse on ,but took his Prince Albert out) I've ever experienced (in the back of my grey Tempo). If I had just lost my virginity to him a) I wouldn't have gotten a $500 fine for lewd and lacivious behavior, open container and tresspassing for having so-so sex in a public baseball field. b) I wouldn't have been so disappointed by the experience...I had been working up some hype for the kid for several years and he brought very little to the back seat.
4) What would you say your greatest strengths are? What would your husband say? Your best girlfriends? Your mother? I honestly don't know what my greatest strengths are...I think I'm funny, I'm concerned about others...I don't know!!!
My girlfriends said, and I quote, "You are hilarious, honest, easy to talk to and get along with, thoughtful", "sense of humor", "I agree with the sense of humor, and smart!" "Creative and artistic but I agree very much with funny; great storyteller" (those are four quotes from my friends)
My husband said, "You're a good reader" when I asked him what my greatest strength was. Then he back pedaled and said that he was trapped and that "there was husbandly danger lurking all around", then he told me that his love was my greatest strength...I'm still not sure what that means. I'm also not sure when my husband started writing scripts for Lifetime...

My mom would say that I'm extremely kind and would do anything to protect anyone that I love.

5) What did you want to be when you "grew up"? How far have you strayed from that path? Would you still take that career if you could?
When I was very young I wanted to be a ballerina. Then I wanted to be an astronaut and even went to Space Academy when I was in 7th grade. Once I got into high school I wanted to be a writer and then I decided that I didn't want to be anything...I didn't want to work and I didn't want to have to do anything except what I wanted--most of what I wanted included laying on the beach, reading books, playing with dogs--none of these things are really careers when combined.

I amazed myself when I FINALLY focused on a career...after graduating from college. I went back for more schooling and then I landed a job immediately, I've never been unhappy with my decision and I like going to work more than anyone you've ever known. It's almost sickening how much fun I have at work...it should be illegal, but it's not--so at least you know that I'm not a hooker!

And thus concludes my five. If you are interested in participating, here are
the rules: Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me!" I will respond by
e-mailing you five questions. I get to pick them, and you have to answer
them all. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. You
will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the
same post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them
five questions.

My guilty pleasure in life right now is Cheaters.

Have you ever seen it?? I hope that you have...but if you haven't, let me clue you in on a typical episode. First of all, Cheaters used to air on religious televangelist stations late night...weird right? Not so much...you see, Cheaters isn't actually* the smut filled trashy piece of reality television show that it appears. You see, it actually starts by having a statement (which is annoyingly read by some voice over guy in case I cannot read the screen) that the show's goal is to renew faith and fidelity (or something along those lines) right in the opening credits.

Minute 2:00. Joey Greco introduces us to a very sad (usually tearful) man who believes his wife/girlfriend or even a two time hook-up (I saw it once with my own eyes!) is cheating on him.

An aside... Cheaters is so bad ass that the host, Joey Greco ,was once stabbed on the show!! Don't believe me? Check it out.

Minute 3-5:00. The "surveillance team" watches the girl cheat on her boyfriend. They must really need A LOT of footage because they typically watch the girl give the guy a blow job, bang him in the park, have sex in a Wendy's parking lot while on break from her job at Footlocker (where do they find these girls?? I thought most cheating was a clandestine affair?? Hmm...guess I was wrong) before they say, "Ok, this girl is cheating." Oh and you can't really see anything because it seems like they have constantly use night vision goggles and then blur everything out. It's kind of like watching porn through the fuzz at midnight when your parent's Playboy channel kinda unscrambled. What? I'm the only one?!?

Minute 5-10. The most commercials you've ever seen in your life.

Minute 11-15. "The Briefing". This is where Joey Greco tells the guy, "I'm sorry to show you this, but your girlfriend is cheating on you". Then he pulls up a handi-cam and begins to show the guy (who is now crying silently) what his girlfriend has been up to. Joey Greco can't just let the guy take in these horrible sights (like the panties getting thrown out of the window or the woman straddling some guy on her husband's bed), no...no...no. Joey Greco has to give a detailed account of what's going on. For example, the other day he said, "You see that woman riding that man, going up and down? Well she has a tattoo on her left buttock. Doesn't your wife have a tattoo there too?" Then he nods solemnly and states, "That [insert sad man's name here] is your wife. So yeah, Greco drives it home. Without actually saying it (because of it's early roots), Greco stresses, "Your wife's a WHORE!" (remember, this show renews faith) Joey Greco's commentary typically drives the man to loud, and very ugly sobbing (I'm not making fun...I have loud ugly sobs too).

Minute 16. The man realizes that he's on TV and he's sobbing. He decides to prove himself as a man. He states firmly, "I want to talk to her." (What he really means is, "I want to KILL the guy that's banging my wife in the water fountain [true story])

Minute 16.5. Greco says some bullshit about not having a physical conversation. He turns to the camera and we all get it...he's speaking the Cheaters law team.

Minute 17-20. Crying. Beating. Chasing. Screaming...sometimes the jilted man tilts over a Port-o-Potty on the wife's boyfriend!!! This is usually the part where the woman says something ridiculous like, "I knew you were spying on me, that's why I did this." (I tried that in kindergarten when my dad caught me picking my nose. It didn't work then either) or she says, "That's it! I'm breaking up with you!" (I admire her preemptive strike there...very smooth).

Minute 20-25. More fucking commercials (and/or an update on past Cheaters guests. Surprisingly, a lot of guests stay together and say that they have "learned" something. Methinks they probably learned not to cheat out in the open air but that's about it. What can I say? I'm a jaded bitch.

Minute 26. "The Exciting/Riveting/Anti-climatic Conclusion". This is where the jilted husband explains what he's going to do with his life now for a brief second then there's a scary voice doing a voice over with some "sympathetic" music going on in the background. Fun fact: Most of husbands that get cheated on are already dating someone new by the time the show airs.

Minute 27-30. Lots of commercials.

So if you haven't seen it, get to it!
* I don't really believe this, at all.

I lie here with a retched pain in my back watching my tivoed Project Runway (my secret dream would be a fashion designer...I can barely thread a sewing machine, I'd have to hand sew EVERYTHING!!). It is a searing pain that started as a pinch and throughout my day as a standup comedian/slave driver forced me to walk with my ass sticking out (further than usual) and bent over like a C...it was horrible, I felt like an idiot shuffling around with the pain clearly exposing itself on my face. Pain, however, was not on my mind last night.

Last night I was skipping around the house and grinning like an idiot because I got laid. Ah, when will I grow up?? I am like an endearing, horny teenage boy when I get sex, I look grateful...I act all goofy, I do a little dance...I'm probably a little annoying. While most adults lay exhausted in the afterglow, or puff on a post coital cigarette--there's me singing a little ditty, "I got a piece of asssss, yeah!" (I wish I was kidding you, but I'm not).

Oh and I'm a genius for picking berries and whipped cream for dessert last night. I'm not a huge dessert fan but if I got to have dessert like that, I'd definitely be a dessert lover!!

(Ok, shitty post but I'm in pain...bottom line, my husband gave me some seriously good sex last night, my back now kills. If it has anything to do with the sex I'm getting too old too quick).