This is blog of a woman who didn't know what she wanted and so chased after dreams and men in search of the answers...drunken hilarity ensued. Then one day she met a man who was everything she wanted, but he wasn't so sure. Then she did the unthinkable; after they broke up she gave him this blog address and she let him into her mind as well as her heart. Unbelievably, even after sorting through the sordid archives of failed relationships, one night stands and her lusty (and embarassing) pursuit to secure the heart of a certain young line cook, John somehow managed to fall in love with her too. Melina and John were married a little over six months after they started dating, running away to Las Vegas to seal the deal. You can imagine what the over/under bet was to see if they'd even make it a year!! Over a year later and they are still going strong...this blog has become their story. Need to tell me something? Email me at Melinalovesjohnny at gmail dot com
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Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Cheaters...that's my kind o' tv! Move over Jerry Springer!
My guilty pleasure in life right now is Cheaters.

Have you ever seen it?? I hope that you have...but if you haven't, let me clue you in on a typical episode. First of all, Cheaters used to air on religious televangelist stations late night...weird right? Not so see, Cheaters isn't actually* the smut filled trashy piece of reality television show that it appears. You see, it actually starts by having a statement (which is annoyingly read by some voice over guy in case I cannot read the screen) that the show's goal is to renew faith and fidelity (or something along those lines) right in the opening credits.

Minute 2:00. Joey Greco introduces us to a very sad (usually tearful) man who believes his wife/girlfriend or even a two time hook-up (I saw it once with my own eyes!) is cheating on him.

An aside... Cheaters is so bad ass that the host, Joey Greco ,was once stabbed on the show!! Don't believe me? Check it out.

Minute 3-5:00. The "surveillance team" watches the girl cheat on her boyfriend. They must really need A LOT of footage because they typically watch the girl give the guy a blow job, bang him in the park, have sex in a Wendy's parking lot while on break from her job at Footlocker (where do they find these girls?? I thought most cheating was a clandestine affair?? Hmm...guess I was wrong) before they say, "Ok, this girl is cheating." Oh and you can't really see anything because it seems like they have constantly use night vision goggles and then blur everything out. It's kind of like watching porn through the fuzz at midnight when your parent's Playboy channel kinda unscrambled. What? I'm the only one?!?

Minute 5-10. The most commercials you've ever seen in your life.

Minute 11-15. "The Briefing". This is where Joey Greco tells the guy, "I'm sorry to show you this, but your girlfriend is cheating on you". Then he pulls up a handi-cam and begins to show the guy (who is now crying silently) what his girlfriend has been up to. Joey Greco can't just let the guy take in these horrible sights (like the panties getting thrown out of the window or the woman straddling some guy on her husband's bed), Joey Greco has to give a detailed account of what's going on. For example, the other day he said, "You see that woman riding that man, going up and down? Well she has a tattoo on her left buttock. Doesn't your wife have a tattoo there too?" Then he nods solemnly and states, "That [insert sad man's name here] is your wife. So yeah, Greco drives it home. Without actually saying it (because of it's early roots), Greco stresses, "Your wife's a WHORE!" (remember, this show renews faith) Joey Greco's commentary typically drives the man to loud, and very ugly sobbing (I'm not making fun...I have loud ugly sobs too).

Minute 16. The man realizes that he's on TV and he's sobbing. He decides to prove himself as a man. He states firmly, "I want to talk to her." (What he really means is, "I want to KILL the guy that's banging my wife in the water fountain [true story])

Minute 16.5. Greco says some bullshit about not having a physical conversation. He turns to the camera and we all get it...he's speaking the Cheaters law team.

Minute 17-20. Crying. Beating. Chasing. Screaming...sometimes the jilted man tilts over a Port-o-Potty on the wife's boyfriend!!! This is usually the part where the woman says something ridiculous like, "I knew you were spying on me, that's why I did this." (I tried that in kindergarten when my dad caught me picking my nose. It didn't work then either) or she says, "That's it! I'm breaking up with you!" (I admire her preemptive strike there...very smooth).

Minute 20-25. More fucking commercials (and/or an update on past Cheaters guests. Surprisingly, a lot of guests stay together and say that they have "learned" something. Methinks they probably learned not to cheat out in the open air but that's about it. What can I say? I'm a jaded bitch.

Minute 26. "The Exciting/Riveting/Anti-climatic Conclusion". This is where the jilted husband explains what he's going to do with his life now for a brief second then there's a scary voice doing a voice over with some "sympathetic" music going on in the background. Fun fact: Most of husbands that get cheated on are already dating someone new by the time the show airs.

Minute 27-30. Lots of commercials.

So if you haven't seen it, get to it!
* I don't really believe this, at all.

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posted by Melina at 4:48 PM