I would find this funny even if I wasn't married to a man covered in Star Wars tattoos:


Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn't seen it) from Joe Nicolosi on Vimeo.

Every year (um for me, that means the past two years) we go out for John and his sister's birthdays since they are only two days (and four years) apart...and every year we go to Red Lobster. This is what happened at this year's luncheon:

Along with other gifts, John's dad gave him a newspaper clipping of the Star Wars exhibit in the city. It was really cute because his dad took notes to show John how cool it will be for him. His dad was utterly shocked when I told him that John didn't want to go to see it! And then I went on to explain that John's "trying" to branch out and find more interests other than just Star Wars (which isn't really true...he already has TONS of interests other than Star Wars but I was trying to get everyone to understand that). I mean, I'm doing this for my own self preservation. I now live with a Darth Vader cookie jar, we have Star Wars chess, DVD Trivial Pursuit Star Wars edition, and a life size fathead of Darth Vader down in our bar***none of which was purchased by John***, but honestly? I don't really want to have to keep decorating around Vader. He's cool and all...but he doesn't quite mesh with my love of Crate and Barrel.

Good thing I stopped explaining the lessened interest in Star Wars when I did because just then, John's mom arrived with three lovely gifts. A plush Vader who inexplicably had a baggie of jelly beans tethered to his arm, a Vader coin purse in the shape of an egg and a Star Wars Easter egg decorating kit. The jelly beans were quite tasty, and I will use the Vader coin purse because I won't look as dorky as John will if I leave it in my desk drawer. I guess we'll have to make Easter eggs and post the pictures because...well...that's just what you do when you receive an egg decorating kit.

Our waitress looked very frightened of us and very new...this appeared to be a messy combination. She became flustered when dropping off the entrees and ended up spilling butter all down John's brother's back leaving a very greasy and ugly stain. Let's just say he wasn't happy and he quietly expressed his unhappiness with the rest of the table. But John can't let anything go, so he flung cocktail sauce on the shirt (I'm not sure why? But he did it with glee...that much I know), which led most of the people at the table to believe that the waitress spilled that too. John cleared it up to keep his karma slate clean and received glares from his brother and a bemused look from me...I'm still not sure why he was flinging sauces!

Because John's brother was so upset about his sweatshirt, both John's sister and mom went into what I call "Mom Mode" (you know when your mom does anything and everything to make something right, even when you don't want them to) and began plotting the demise of the waitress...OK, so they didn't so much plot her demise as they plotted on getting free meals out of the deal. In fact, in a very loud voice John's sister exclaimed, "You should at least get a free dinner for that, or maybe even three!" She, was just trying to be helpful and cheer her brother up but it was loud...and it was embarrassing! In fact, so much so that John and I ran away from the table just to get away from everyone and the whole sweatshirt debacle. We received more than a few glares on our way out for our temporary reprieve. Because we all love each other, all was forgiven when we got back to the table but of course, John can make a joke of anything so we heard this from his mouth:

-Man, crab legs are messy….. Miss? Could I get more of my brother's shirts when you get a chance?

The rest of the long lunch almost alludes me because between our Alotta Colada (insert alotta vagina jokes here...) , Red Lobster's code word for ENORMOUS pina colada shared Lady and the Tramp style between John and I and my belly full of food, causing us both to slip in and out of a food coma. I came to here and there listening to John's brother talk about the military, Iraq, shooting things and martial arts. Don't get me wrong, his stories are always interesting but I was too focused on how much longer I could keep my jeans buttoned without dying.

Lunch with the fam, obviously there's never a dull moment. Seriously, it was 3 hours of pure blogging gold but I couldn't take notes at the table!! Next time, I'm just going to do it!

I'm still alive and I'll post again soon, but right now my life is full of chaperoning, baby showers,helping people move, grading, and study for my Comprehensive Exam (although not enough, it's fast approaching and I'm absolutely not ready). All in all, nothing good to post. In the meantime, I can hardly believe this woman didn't make it further in the pageant circuit:


Poor lady, here's a recent interview with Stacy Hedger (the woman in the video). I think I love her.

I didn't realize that being a nerd was catching until last night. Firstly, we spent the entire evening playing Mario Party on our Wii, I would say that was nerdy but it was simply too splendid a time to make fun of...what I will make fun of was the "channel" where you can check out all the "celebrity wii characters" that fans have made...

...and that's when it happened. I officially became a nerd; whatever that truly means since I already wear glasses and I have a love of literature that can't be quenched, but uh, I said, "Hey isn't that Admiral Acbar?"

I'm so cold, somebody hold me...it's so dark, so dark...

Some things to consider about our tarnished character:

John and I have been relishing in the Teen Jeopardy--Summer Games, because we can "totally school a bunch of teenagers" as he so elloquently put it. Yeah, that's right, we are excited about the fact that we have a more than decent grasp on bullshit categories such as "You Tube" and "Pop Music".

To make matters worse:

I relish in making fun of the teen contestants, John merely makes observations. The sweet freshman that was on the show last night made John turn to me and say, "She looks like someone...but who?" After a moment's pause he came back with, "She looks like Corey Feldman!" And it wasn't an insult against the poor kid, she just really looked like a young Corey Feldman. Now like I said, I like to make fun of the kids. For example, yesterday's young winner liked to build homing devices and put them in things that he often loses...for example, his backpack or his coat. I turned to John and said, "I guess he doesn't need to put a homing device on his virginity, does he?" See? That's just mean. True, but mean...and in about five years the smarty pants will probably own my soul with one of his new inventions--so, it's a trade off of sorts.

National Geographic anyone? Anyone?!?:

John and I sat staring at a Praying Mantis that was sitting on our table on the deck. John said something to the effect that we were watching the world's most boring episode of National Geographic. I pointed out that I still had my shirt on and thus wasn't quite that authentic. With neighbors milling about on either side of us, John did not urge me to peel off my top. His loss. I realized (after 10 minutes of intense staring) that the neighbors couldn't see the mantis and so to them, it appeared that we were both leaning forward and staring crazily at one distinct spot on our table. After seeing the mantis poke at a beetle, I decided to go inside so that the neighbors didn't have anything more to talk about...as if that were ever going to happen. We've already been called oddballs under their breath as we left the deck one night, lord knows what they call us behind closed doors.

And finally, if you had any respect for me, it's now gone:

My final submission of nerd-dom. I believe I've finally turned John to the "dark side" (we'll use terminology that he can understand). For a man who just loves himself some Star Wars, he was awfully reluctant to learn anything about Harry Potter. OK, whatever. I like Harry Potter...not enough to camp out to get the latest book or run to the midnight showing, but I think I have a healthy love for the kid. Amazingly, John has been able to avoid Herr Potter for all these years--until, I brought the first DVD home for him to watch. For the first 20 minutes, I had to fight him about turning it off/finding anything else to do except watching it(including rearranging couch pillows, ball scratching and belly button exploration). But finally, something clicked in his nerd DNA and he declared last night, "I think I love him!" And guess who rented the second DVD for him? That's right, I'm going to make him beg for a little more Potter...it's like pulling his x-wing star fighter in with my tractor beam (that's my little Star Wars reference to make him feel more comfortable with his latest trek down the Geek Path).

***PS. John, don't you think I look a little like Ashley Madison, over there in the ads??? You know, if I would put makeup on in the summer!?!****

Last night I dreamed that I gave birth and then conked out. When I came to, John had named my daughter Padme. I either need to stop watching Top Chef or stop worrying that my husband is going to name a child after a character from Star Wars. But then again, I should stop looking for porn that's based on Star Wars after having a "lightbulb moment" (Thanks Dope-hra for the phase) that Star Whores would be a great title for a porno...and apparently, it is.

John...this one's for you. Oh and may the force be with you and all that jazz. (Keep reading for a real explanation folks)

When you get a sleeve of Star Wars tattoos as John did, people assume that you're obsessed with Star Wars and that is the only interest that you ever have involves Star Wars...this would explain why he got a Darth Vader head cookie jar (perhaps it's actually a bank??) for Christmas from his sister. And it's pretty clear that he's a little sick of getting SW stuff all the time, but he's very gracious in accepting it and therefore will continue to receive the it when he's old, gray and using a walker (perhaps there will be a Millennium Falcon model by that time?) I'll admit, I fell into the same trap when I first met him and I did the same thing to him last year with the hoodie that is now referred to as " that gay Boba Fett hoodie". This is a little harsh because it was the first gift I ever purchased him and because I lost the receipt so I only got $24 back for it and in reality I just wanted to sex him up as a Valentine's gift, but whatever. That's what you get for trying to be "classy"...

Since we aren't going to be able to spend Valentine's Day together (which isn't a travesty or anything, but it would've been nice) since he has night class and he has to take a test. I decided to prepare this "very special" Valentine's Day post for him. It's only a joke...

I wouldn't do this to him, for reals.

Although...next year I was thinking about getting him an ewok.

As promised there are updates to be had. And here they are.

The other night John and I were lying on the couch watching a movie (Star Wars...who would of thunk it?? ha ha...Star Wars is a pervasive part of our lives in a couple of different ways) and it was about time to go to bed. John got off the couch and valiantly leaned over and offered me his hand to help pull me up. With arm extended he smiled at me and said, "Ya ready, Porkin?" and then his face froze as he heard what his mouth had uttered. I busted into laughter. "Porkin? Are you seriously calling me Porkin?" laughing all the while, "I don't think you should call your wife Porkin, especially when she's not so happy with her weight right now!!" And his excuse? He states he was trying to call me either Pork Chop or Pumpkin (two favorite pet names that we have for each other) and he combined the two. Right...riiiighht. The funniest part? The nickname has stuck and now we're both known as Porkin.

The next item of business is the fact that John and I would like to see if it's possible to go about patenting a way in which to lay on the couch. Truth be told, we spend the majority of the time we spend together...on the couch. Everyone knows the time old form of lying on the couch called "Spooning" but we like to lay on opposite ends of the couch facing each other in "V" formation. My legs then rest on top of his legs and typically the dog lays in the little diamond between us poking us with her bony elbows (seriously, I have bruises on my legs from her damn bony elbows!). We have given this couch position the moniker--Forking...we either have too much time on our hands or (and this second option is the one I like to believe) we're just really witty and awesome. Please, test out Forking and let us know what you think.

And finally Wing Night. Ah, beloved wing night...the girls and I used to go and get absolutely bombed while our lips ne'er touched a buffalo sauced piece of chicken. Now that I'm married I've come to love Wing Night a little more than before because 1) I get to actually eat wings and 2) I don't have a massive hangover in the morning because we're don't drink and cry in our beer like the girls and I used to (Not that it wasn't fun mind you...but it was never fun on Thursday mornings!). This Wing Night was a little different because we were meeting John's friend at the bar. I was scared. I had seen this girl's profile on Myspace and she terrified me....she's like a tiny, tattooed bulldog who seriously has a hatred for skinheads and fascists (that's a good thing...it's just the fervent nature of the message on her page).

I had briefly met her once before, on Thanksgiving Eve (the same night I first met Johnny!) and she came up to my table, and growled, "Where's the can in this place?" I just pointed to it and told Tara, "She's not going to kill me now since I told her where the bathroom was...you, she still might kill." Last night was the first time that I was going to really meet her since then. And I had a few new things to go on. 1) John stated she was "a really nice girl" and 2) John had had sex with her in the past. Hmm, I wasn't sure how I felt about meeting the girl who had a bullring through her nose, the punk rock hair cut of short (nearly buzzed in the back) and longbangs looped behind her ears. Not because how she looked but really because she had sex with my husband!! I swear, it's hilarious how indignant and jealous I get about it (it was a while back). John just rolls his eyes at me and in his head I know he's thinking mean things about me and all the people that he could run into concerning me...but he doesn't say it--and that makes him a good boy...a really good boy.

And let me tell you...John wasn't lying, she was a really nice girl. And to be honest, I barely thought about that time that John put his penis in her. Sure it popped into my head once or twice, but for the most part it was a pleasant two hour hang out. When John and I got into his car he asked, "Well what'd ya think?" And I said, "Well, she's really nice...to the point that I barely thought about the fact that you two banged before." And his reply? "Well, if it makes you feel any better it was really, really awkward." And indeed, because I'm a grinch with the heart the size of a pea, I did feel better--even though there was no reason for me to feel badly, since she has a boyfriend and regaled me with tales of Johnny being drunk trying to eat congealed pork fat. It's a proven fact that when a girl tells stories of a man eating anything congealed, she's just not that into you...because you're gross (unless your my husband, then you're just a hungry drunk).