Every year (um for me, that means the past two years) we go out for John and his sister's birthdays since they are only two days (and four years) apart...and every year we go to Red Lobster. This is what happened at this year's luncheon:

Along with other gifts, John's dad gave him a newspaper clipping of the Star Wars exhibit in the city. It was really cute because his dad took notes to show John how cool it will be for him. His dad was utterly shocked when I told him that John didn't want to go to see it! And then I went on to explain that John's "trying" to branch out and find more interests other than just Star Wars (which isn't really true...he already has TONS of interests other than Star Wars but I was trying to get everyone to understand that). I mean, I'm doing this for my own self preservation. I now live with a Darth Vader cookie jar, we have Star Wars chess, DVD Trivial Pursuit Star Wars edition, and a life size fathead of Darth Vader down in our bar***none of which was purchased by John***, but honestly? I don't really want to have to keep decorating around Vader. He's cool and all...but he doesn't quite mesh with my love of Crate and Barrel.

Good thing I stopped explaining the lessened interest in Star Wars when I did because just then, John's mom arrived with three lovely gifts. A plush Vader who inexplicably had a baggie of jelly beans tethered to his arm, a Vader coin purse in the shape of an egg and a Star Wars Easter egg decorating kit. The jelly beans were quite tasty, and I will use the Vader coin purse because I won't look as dorky as John will if I leave it in my desk drawer. I guess we'll have to make Easter eggs and post the pictures because...well...that's just what you do when you receive an egg decorating kit.

Our waitress looked very frightened of us and very new...this appeared to be a messy combination. She became flustered when dropping off the entrees and ended up spilling butter all down John's brother's back leaving a very greasy and ugly stain. Let's just say he wasn't happy and he quietly expressed his unhappiness with the rest of the table. But John can't let anything go, so he flung cocktail sauce on the shirt (I'm not sure why? But he did it with glee...that much I know), which led most of the people at the table to believe that the waitress spilled that too. John cleared it up to keep his karma slate clean and received glares from his brother and a bemused look from me...I'm still not sure why he was flinging sauces!

Because John's brother was so upset about his sweatshirt, both John's sister and mom went into what I call "Mom Mode" (you know when your mom does anything and everything to make something right, even when you don't want them to) and began plotting the demise of the waitress...OK, so they didn't so much plot her demise as they plotted on getting free meals out of the deal. In fact, in a very loud voice John's sister exclaimed, "You should at least get a free dinner for that, or maybe even three!" She, was just trying to be helpful and cheer her brother up but it was loud...and it was embarrassing! In fact, so much so that John and I ran away from the table just to get away from everyone and the whole sweatshirt debacle. We received more than a few glares on our way out for our temporary reprieve. Because we all love each other, all was forgiven when we got back to the table but of course, John can make a joke of anything so we heard this from his mouth:

-Man, crab legs are messy….. Miss? Could I get more of my brother's shirts when you get a chance?

The rest of the long lunch almost alludes me because between our Alotta Colada (insert alotta vagina jokes here...) , Red Lobster's code word for ENORMOUS pina colada shared Lady and the Tramp style between John and I and my belly full of food, causing us both to slip in and out of a food coma. I came to here and there listening to John's brother talk about the military, Iraq, shooting things and martial arts. Don't get me wrong, his stories are always interesting but I was too focused on how much longer I could keep my jeans buttoned without dying.

Lunch with the fam, obviously there's never a dull moment. Seriously, it was 3 hours of pure blogging gold but I couldn't take notes at the table!! Next time, I'm just going to do it!

What can be said about a man who buys you shoes for Valentine's Day? (I love him!) Rediculously expensive shoes with a dozen creamy white roses to go with them (I love him!). Shoes that he picked out all on his own that made even the woman waiting on him, try them on in the back while getting my size! Shoes which he handed me and giddily said that he thought they would look great with a dress or with jeans. He actually said, "You're the type of girl who could rock $300 shoes with jeans in a bar as he rolled my jeans up to get a better look at the shoes...

Internets, he's amazing.

update: These are the shoes, and no they aren't stillettos, but he knows that I stand on my feet for seven hours a day!

John and I have a problem...a real, diagnosable problem. If we buy gifts for each other we can't wait until the designated holiday to give it to them, oh no, we need to give them to each other right away! Last year it was bad, I would get things shipped from Amazon and then wrap them up, minutes after finishing the job John would come home and I would immediately thrust my gifts upon him...the scotch tape still not completely stuck to the package.

This year it's much easier for me...I haven't purchased anything for him yet because I don't really have the available cash to get anything good so I'm saving to buy last minute. Unfortunately (fortunately for me), Mr. Moneybags (aka John), doesn't have the same poor luxury as me. He desperately wanted to tell me what my presents were but he said, "What are we going to do on Christmas? You won't have anything to open!" I said, leaping around like a fool about to be told her Christmas present, "I don't care! Tell me!" and then I jumped on him for emphasis. He kept holding out and so I said as he played around on the Internet, "Why don't you just look at it one more time on the internet (after letting it slip that it was something from Tiffany & Co.), hoping that he would look at it and I could catch a glimpse in the reflection of his glasses. He replied sternly, "No, you'll just check the history." To which I replied honestly, "No, I was just going to look at it through the reflection of your glasses. After a little snugglefest his lips became loose...

And he said to me, "Your gift isn't so much of a gift for you as it is a gift to tell you that I'm completely ready, I'm onboard." Of course, I looked at him like he had five heads, what on Earth was he talking about? And then he grabbed the laptop and went onto the website and showed me this, and then I realized that he was saying that he was truly ready to have a baby. It also made me realize that he's going to have a very spoiled kid if he's already putting the proverbial silver spoon in a non existant child's mouth already!

Oh and if you thought that was too mushy, he also told me this morning that he bought me the Hitachi Magic Wand...the Cadillac of vibrators too...which is most definitely a present for me and me alone! I have to say, it looks more like a microphone than a vibrator.

I have a problem (ok, I have many problems, but who's counting?). My birthday is no less than three days away. Yes, the big 3-0 in three days. However, that's not the problem. The problem lies in the fact that when people ask me what I want for my birthday, I just don't know what to ask for! And honestly? I don't think it's fair. I don't ask people what they want...I snoop around, watch them closely, I stalk them like a serial killer to find out exactly what they need to make them happy.

My mom is at her wits end because she's been asking me since January what I want for my birthday and even though she knows me better than anyone else in the world, she is a horrible gift giver, so I appreciate her repetitive questioning. On numerous occasions she has said, "My baby's turning 30, we need to get you something special!" I asked for a gym membership because my ass is spreading like the ocean floor but I got a lukewarm response to that, according to my mom I won't be able to look at that and say, "My mom gave this to me on my 30th birthday". I figured I could turn around and see less of my ass and think, "Thanks Mom, you saved me from larger jeans!" Oooook...I'm getting a pirate party so now I'm at a loss as to what else I could want, but I feel like I should capitalize on this...never say I'm not greedy!!

I turn it upon you, dear friends and strangers on the Internets, what should I ask for? I'm going to scour the internet and make a post that goes like this: I want this (picture) and this (picture) and I really, really want this! (picture)...if I have time.