John came home from work last night and he was sight seeing in the fridge while talking to me and I heard him say, "Oh and I got you a bunny at lunch today!"
I got all excited and said, "What?!? Really?"
And he peeked over the top of the fridge door and said, "I had lunch with Bummy today...we had Thai...What did you think I said?" he asked as he saw my face fall a little.
"I thought you said you bought me a bunny at lunch".
"That's the third most excited I've ever seen you..."
"What were the other two things?" I asked.
"Well, you were all excited when we were at the beach last week and that time you saw Nerd Rope at the grocery store you were really excited."
"True, and both those things were really exciting...imagine me on the beach eating Nerd Rope while petting my bunny?"

And then I think he really thought about getting me a bunny but then saw that I didn't want an outside bunny. He told me he never heard of an inside bunny and so I referenced VJ and her bunny Rudolf and then John pretended to be asleep...I think the bunny conversation is over. It's ok anyways, I really just want about 6 puppies right now but I'm sure Frankie would get very cranky over that.
o

I am high on life right now. The Universe just opened up and said to me, "Melina, you're still hot...even at thirty and even if you do have a little double chin kiddo!" And this is how...

I was on my way to pick up a new book and I was following behind a bus full of middle school boys. First they waved at me, so I waved back. They looked at each other with excitement and bounced around with what I believe was sheer glee. Then one kid stepped up to the window and held a piece of paper against the glass. I leaned forward and squinted assuming that they had written every curseword they knew and were trying to impress me by telling me to "Fuck off bitch!" or something equally "cute". But no...

I couldn't read it, so I raised my hands to the sky and shrugged, giving them the universal code for, "I have no idea what that says!" and so the leader of the pack kid leans against the glass, smooches it, winks, and gives me the "Call me!" sign with his thumb and pinky while wiggling his eyebrows up and down like Groucho Marx. I couldn't stiffle my giggles.

Instead of them all busting into laughter as I expected, the other boys put their windows down and leaned their heads out and I heard four young voices screaming, "Do it! Do it! You're so fucking hot! Call him!" and they threw a ball of paper out the window (with presumably the digits). This must've been the last straw because the bus driver stopped the bus. He went to the back and from what I could see, he yelled at the boys. Then he got off the bus, picked up the ball of paper and said to me, "Sorry about these boys...they shouldn't be cursing out the window." I could only reply, "Don't worry about it, they're only boys." Very good, sweet, wonderful boys for making me feel "so fucking hot". ha ha...

Addiction
1. It's amazing that I made it to work today. In the old days it might've been chalked up to staying out too late at bars or under strange men, but these days, a more mellower Melina has found an addiction far more time consuming and worrisome than booze and cock. This my friends,would be the Wii. As soon as I get home from work I turn the little wii on. I grab my wiimote and I begin to hone my skills, because let's be fair here...I'm a woman, I didn't spend my formative years in my dank bedroom jerking off and playing video games all the time--I need to get some kind of edge on John! (disclaimer- I don't really know if John spent his formative years doing the above things,however, I DO know that he spent quite a bit of time filming stop action movies featuring Godzilla and his own voice overs--I just needed to have that documented)
Dick
2. Having roommates has been putting a damper on our sex life lately. Because let's be honest, the place we have sex the most is not our bed (too mushy--perfect for sleep, not for sex) but our couch. Unfortunately for us, between not really getting any private couch time coupled with constant painting jobs and renovations to both our house and to ER's new place was making me a cranky lady. When there's a real penis in the house, the battery operated kind just doesn't cut it for me...because like any woman, I like what I can't have. Mr. Pink (my vibrator), never puts up a fight and is always available, thus, he bores me. John made up for our lack of couch "wrasling" in a big way last night. The man's true talent is foreplay. I'd marry him again if I could just for his mouth...and his personality, of course--his personality! He's not just a piece of a meat--he's my piece of meat. Hands off.

It will be titled, 52 subtitled...How I Got Married in Under 52 Weeks...sub-sub titled It May Not Work for You Because John and I Totally Rock

(I may leave off the sub-sub...don't want to look too pretentious,right?)

Each chapter will be a "step"...a step in which we did something right, or did something wrong. Let me map out my book for y'all. All of the embarassing steps are steps that I might leave out if I were you, or anyone trying to make the long trek to love.

Step 1- Make Your Boy Believe You're Cool- For example: I told John that I would be in Philly on a random Tuesday for tacos (by the way, the anniversary for this fateful first hangout--not quite a date--was last night! Whoo! I wish I could say I did something clever like make tacos for dinner, but alas, I thought of it right before I drifted off to Nodsville). I never went to the city, I didn't have the money or the coolness to actually be roaming the city on worknights but...I sure did send him a text message saying where I was going to be and that he should meet up with me. His reply, "Will you be wearing pigtails?" Sadly, I forgot to put them in that night. I learned from my mistake.

Step 2- Stay Away From the Phone- I flirted with that boy hardcore over text messages only. I knew that my kryptonite was my telephone banter. I'm fun, I'm witty...on the phone there's lots of silence and small talk...very, very uncomfortable small talk. Mistake I learned from this? Text messages are often ambiguous and as much as I thought I was flirting with him, there were times when he had no idea what I was talking about...and like-wise with him.

Step 3-Ask Him Out On a Date- (before someone else can)- I'm not going to deny that I was instantly intrigued by ol' Johnnyboy, and who wouldn't be? He's good looking, he's smart, he's super sexy and he has the softest lips that have ever touched mine (although I didn't know it at the time, I suspected that they were sooooft). So what's a girl to do? Sit around? Wait for a call? The Rules and He's Just Not That Into You would say yes. I would give a definitive, "No." If you were looking for a job, and you saw the most ideal position in the classifieds would you sit around and wait for them to call you? Perhaps...but you wouldn't get the job. In this case, I probably wouldn't have intrigued John into putting his suede soft lips upon mine.

Embarassing Step 4-Go Out Without Knowing that Your "Friend" is Going to Show Up- In a strange turn of events, I somehow got my period four days early. Unfortunately for me, I got that "friend" (who appears to be somwhat of a showboating jerk of a friend) mid sex the morning after our first sex. So basically I'm saying, the second time I had sex with John, I imprinted into his memory a bloody crime scene. Not that you couldn't guess this but...it wasn't hot. In fact, after he left, I sat on the edge of the bed and cried, thinking that I would never get to see that penis (I mean, the sweethearted man) again.

Semi-embarassing Step 5- Be Very Bold- So, say you're me. You've had crime scene sex with a man, he still seems interested in you...you've apologized multiple times and he seems actually sympathetic! Yeah! He's quite a catch (and remains so, to this very moment)! So say, you get asked on a second date, this time on his turf...you have to pull out the stops. He already knows that you like sex and you've found out his little turn ons like knee socks, pigtails and Jameson Irish Whiskey. You MUST do something with this knowledge.
In this case, I showed up promptly at seven most likely looking like I was trying too hard in knee highs (hidden under my jeans as a little surprise/in case he didn't want to take my pants off, he didn't know I did it), with long low pigtails with bangs sweeping across my forehead and a small bottle of whiskey to present him when he opened the door. Luckily, in my case, after the first glass of whiskey, he took my pants off in the kitchen and appreciated everything that I had done to "prepare" for the date. Ah...but I was heading to hookup material here only, wasn't I? Being a trollop doesn't often pay off...even though I would say that I wasn't being a trollop, I was being me and enjoying life...anyways...how to fix that issue??

Semi-embarassing/I don't think I actually did this-Step 6- Be Brazen- After the kitchen sex we went out for dinner. It was all incredibly exciting for a country bumpkin like me. We didn't go anywhere fancy, we just went to a place that had scrumptious food and was well known to the city folk. Apparently, John told me that he had other dates lined up...kind of like telling me..."Hey, we can hook up, but I'm not saying I'm not hooking up with others." Apparently, I asked him to cancel said dates and to date me exclusively because I only wanted to date him and (the and is what I think saved me, because I sounded like a confident woman, and not a needy one) "that I didn't have time to wait around and see if he wanted to date me or not." I believe that I said it, because I can pull of the dating bravado necessary for such a statement.

More steps and flubs from the past year later...I don't want to overwhelm you with my (lack of) awesomeness just yet. John, if you get bored at work (which I know you're overwhelmed right now so don't worry), you can add your two cents to this post.