I don't know if you know this about me but I like my undies to be flashy and fancy like a stripper or perhaps a really flashy or fancy hooker. It all stems from my college job at Victoria Secret...I only bought the shiny stuff. So it's no wonder that I would own a thong that had black rhinestones that formed a v in the back. Well...I put the thing on in the morning because believe it or not, they're not my fancy undies and I went to work thinking nothing about my underwear selection.

Apparently, over the course of the day one of the rhinestones must've fallen out of the little metal clasps. The little metal clasp snagged itself on my pants and pulled itself down into an evil little hook. Later, that little hook would sink deep into a tender part of my ass that I would have to suavely remove (it hurt so bad and I was trying to not to let it show because there was no way that I could get at it without the whole world knowing). I'm not sure what's worse...the fact that I cut my ass with my underwear or the fact that I had a snoopy bandaid on my butt.

John and his brother once told me the best story in all the land...I want to tell it to you because I love you ever so much.

When they were very little they went to a private Christian school which was very strict. John's brother went to the bathroom, but the little guy realized that he was too late, the worst had happened---he had pooped in his Spiderman underoos! So like any smart five year old, he took his undies off and he decided to hide them behind the toilet because there were kids milling about the sinks and he didn't want to walk past them to throw the underwear out in the trash. Little man cleaned up as best as he could and then he went back to class, sighing with relief that he had escaped complete and utter embarrassment...

Not exactly.

I'm not sure what this school's motto is, but it seems like it might be "We love to humiliate our students in public" because the offensive underwear were found and instead of just being thrown away, they were placed in a baggie and labelled "Exhibit A". All of the students were called to the auditorium and the teachers explained in horrifying detail what had happened. They raised the baggie of Spidey undies and said, "Does anyone know who these are?" And quickly John raised his hand and yelled, "They're my brother's!" And then total embarrassment ensued. Over the weekend, John and his brother were transferred to public school, imagine that! John claims that the whole school was going to be punished over the infraction while his brother claims that John just surrendered the information with glee. I'm not sure who I believe, but I know which one I married and I'm going to make sure that my dirty laundry is all placed in the proper receptacle. The man's a whistle blower and no one is safe. I call him Deep Throat just so I can see him squirm.