Ex Files-The "Strong" Man
The first person I dated after my dad died was this guy named Todd. Now it's not the Todd that you've all heard about before so we'll call this new Todd (or the first Todd), Todd A. I blame my dating him completely on the the fact that I was rusty. I took my mourning and recovery pretty seriously you see. I didn't drink until I thought I could handle it, I barely went out, I really wanted to stabilize first, which is why I don't think I'm completely mentally scarred or anything. I mean, I definitely miss my dad but I think I would've gone down a REALLY distractive route had I allowed myself to. Ok I digress. When I finally felt sane and rational again...
My friend Staci and I were out at a bar (this is back when I'd actually leave town to go to a bar, like a WHOLE 20 mins away), we run into these guys. I think the one is pretty cute, he's smart (he's a scientist), he's built well and he was making me laugh. I disregarded the sandals (I hate sandals on men...blame it on all the bad male hippie feet I've seen), I disregarded that he was wearing a really stupid shirt and I gave him my phone number.
He called me the next day to ask me if I wanted to go to this really cool bohemian town for dinner and to hit the bars afterwards the next weekend. I agreed. In fact I was impressed that he came up with such a cool idea. I went out and bought the coolest outfit ever! And this is why. Ok you already knew I had no shame right? I used to have a retagging gun. My friend and I stole it during one summer when we did a stint at Victoria's Secret. We used that gun with reckless abandon. So it was with no shame that I went to Nordstrom and bought these awesome dark jeans with aquamarine colored beads, sparklies and rhinestones around the waist band. Umm yeah, they cost $350.00, I didn't even blink. I knew they were coming back after I had them dry cleaned (as least I did that). Then I went and bought this crocheted sparkly tank that crisscrossed in the back in the same color as the beads. The shirt was $95.00 (but I have to say...I kept it, I loved it too much. I retagged it for the sale, and then repurchased it!)
The date went great. The town was very much alive and we were really one of the few heterosexual "couples" or dates out on the town so we had very few distractions. He didn't drink because he was "a body builder" so I drank very little. I was impressed that he was open minded, again- excited that he was intelligent. I felt good about this. He took me back to his place (because I met him there) and we kissed for a while and then I fell asleep on his couch--don't ask, I don't even know how). He asked me the next morning to go to his mock Strong Man competition (you know like the guys who drag tractor trailers and what not). Apparently, he and his friends would do it every year as an excuse to get together. I agreed. It sounded weird but it was refreshing to meet someone who was different. Oh boy was he.
I went to the competition, it was cool enough. Odd though that his mom was there and that I met her. Ok, this was like our second date and this wasn't even really a date! She totally grilled me and then in front of me, told him that I was very pretty and I seemed intelligent and that I passed "the little brother test". Turns out that Todd A's little bro was mentally handicapped. Um hi, what did she think I was going to do? Spit on the idea of a handicap? Whatever. I should've run right then and there. But of course, I didn't. I also got to meet his older sister. She was pretty cool--or so I thought at first.
After the competition (which Todd won), we went out to the bar by his house. His sister and I proceeded to get loaded all due to the fact that Todd and his friends were liquoring us up. Now can I help it if Todd's friends are flirting with me? Harmlessly? Well his big sis starts yelling at me. Keep in mind while his friends are flirting with me, I have my hand on Todd's inner thigh...I think he was comfortable with the level of flirting. Todd sensed trouble so he asked if I wanted to go back to his apartment before everyone else got there. I nodded, and drunkenly went to find my heels because I had kicked them off somewhere in the bar (yup, I'm that classy!) Sorry I don't like to wear shoes.
We go back to his place and inevitably we have sex. It's awful. It makes my skin crawl. He sounds like he's trying to reenact porn. He's using this crazy voice, he keeps asking me, "Is my cock big enough for you? You know it is, you bad girl, you slut." Ok...I like dirty talk in the bedroom but it's probably not a good idea to call me a slut when I'm definitely feeling like one because this was our second date and it was just all around creepy. Again, I should retrieved my dignity off the floor with my bra and undies but nope I'm no quitter. I go round two. Round Two is better. I take charge, and every time he tries to say something cliche and/or corny (I mean so corny it's reserved for porn, or when you're actually together together and you are kidding around), I bite him or kiss him so he can't speak. TMI Alert-skip this next line if you don't like TMI, read on if you do...pervs.... Yeah so...I'm riding Todd like there's no tomorrow when Big Sis walks into the room and gasps as if she needed to use my inhaler. It was in my purse, she could've gotten it. After seeing her face of horror/ sheer loathing (not like the "Oops, I walked in on fornication face") I had the impulse to grin and wave but instead I just stopped dead. Todd kind of tossed me and rushed out of the room to "comfort" his sister. It was totally a Flowers in the Attic kind of moment. I was pissed, mostly I admit, because I was almost there.
This time I did gather my clothes and (what was left of my dignity). I got dressed and walked past the wacko brother/sister team who were sitting on the couch I conked out on the week before. I liked the pleading on Todd A's part it was great, "I'm soo sorry that I've gone against You and OUR RELIGION. My flesh is weak...and she's, she's..." I slammed the door at that part because I didn't want to hear how I was Jezabel or Lilith or Eve or whatever other fucking biblical woman they wanted to slander to make up for weaknesses on both parts.
He called the next day to apologize. I took a break from seeing him again for a couple of weeks because I was weirded out, but I did agree to hear him out, I thought maybe it was because I was drunk that perhaps I over-reacted or I didn't interpret the situation the way it actually went down. Why I doubted myself, I'll never know because then I dated him for a couple of months (of course, far from his Mommy and Big Sis's watchful eyes) but it was the biggest waste of time. He was totally warped and wrapped up in the Madonna/Whore complex and of course, you could see which category I fell under. And because of that he was always trying to have sex with me like I wasn't there. I was kind of the accessory that fit on his penis, it was very odd. But never you worry, I would always fix that behavior and I would show him that it was unacceptable (of course he just paid me lip service but I thought I was getting through to him. Remember I'm still a little young and wet behind the ears at this point. I didn't know what I wanted or what I was willing to accept)
Oh but the absolute kicker? It turned out he was always lying to me. He was an alcoholic, that's why he didn't drink. Do you think I felt like an asshole for taking him to bars with my friends and myself? Do you think that I felt a little shitty about being drunk sometimes when I kissed him? And do you think that he tried to blame me for wanting to drink, turning away from his religious beliefs, etc. NO I DID NOT, BECAUSE HE NEVER TOLD ME!! After ripping him a new asshole (larger than the one he already had, which he called his head), I ran away from that trainwreck of a relationship as quickly as my legs could carry me...where ran straight into the arms of the other Todd (oh boy).
PS. I dated normal people too...these stories are just much more fun to regale you with!
My friend Staci and I were out at a bar (this is back when I'd actually leave town to go to a bar, like a WHOLE 20 mins away), we run into these guys. I think the one is pretty cute, he's smart (he's a scientist), he's built well and he was making me laugh. I disregarded the sandals (I hate sandals on men...blame it on all the bad male hippie feet I've seen), I disregarded that he was wearing a really stupid shirt and I gave him my phone number.
He called me the next day to ask me if I wanted to go to this really cool bohemian town for dinner and to hit the bars afterwards the next weekend. I agreed. In fact I was impressed that he came up with such a cool idea. I went out and bought the coolest outfit ever! And this is why. Ok you already knew I had no shame right? I used to have a retagging gun. My friend and I stole it during one summer when we did a stint at Victoria's Secret. We used that gun with reckless abandon. So it was with no shame that I went to Nordstrom and bought these awesome dark jeans with aquamarine colored beads, sparklies and rhinestones around the waist band. Umm yeah, they cost $350.00, I didn't even blink. I knew they were coming back after I had them dry cleaned (as least I did that). Then I went and bought this crocheted sparkly tank that crisscrossed in the back in the same color as the beads. The shirt was $95.00 (but I have to say...I kept it, I loved it too much. I retagged it for the sale, and then repurchased it!)
The date went great. The town was very much alive and we were really one of the few heterosexual "couples" or dates out on the town so we had very few distractions. He didn't drink because he was "a body builder" so I drank very little. I was impressed that he was open minded, again- excited that he was intelligent. I felt good about this. He took me back to his place (because I met him there) and we kissed for a while and then I fell asleep on his couch--don't ask, I don't even know how). He asked me the next morning to go to his mock Strong Man competition (you know like the guys who drag tractor trailers and what not). Apparently, he and his friends would do it every year as an excuse to get together. I agreed. It sounded weird but it was refreshing to meet someone who was different. Oh boy was he.
I went to the competition, it was cool enough. Odd though that his mom was there and that I met her. Ok, this was like our second date and this wasn't even really a date! She totally grilled me and then in front of me, told him that I was very pretty and I seemed intelligent and that I passed "the little brother test". Turns out that Todd A's little bro was mentally handicapped. Um hi, what did she think I was going to do? Spit on the idea of a handicap? Whatever. I should've run right then and there. But of course, I didn't. I also got to meet his older sister. She was pretty cool--or so I thought at first.
After the competition (which Todd won), we went out to the bar by his house. His sister and I proceeded to get loaded all due to the fact that Todd and his friends were liquoring us up. Now can I help it if Todd's friends are flirting with me? Harmlessly? Well his big sis starts yelling at me. Keep in mind while his friends are flirting with me, I have my hand on Todd's inner thigh...I think he was comfortable with the level of flirting. Todd sensed trouble so he asked if I wanted to go back to his apartment before everyone else got there. I nodded, and drunkenly went to find my heels because I had kicked them off somewhere in the bar (yup, I'm that classy!) Sorry I don't like to wear shoes.
We go back to his place and inevitably we have sex. It's awful. It makes my skin crawl. He sounds like he's trying to reenact porn. He's using this crazy voice, he keeps asking me, "Is my cock big enough for you? You know it is, you bad girl, you slut." Ok...I like dirty talk in the bedroom but it's probably not a good idea to call me a slut when I'm definitely feeling like one because this was our second date and it was just all around creepy. Again, I should retrieved my dignity off the floor with my bra and undies but nope I'm no quitter. I go round two. Round Two is better. I take charge, and every time he tries to say something cliche and/or corny (I mean so corny it's reserved for porn, or when you're actually together together and you are kidding around), I bite him or kiss him so he can't speak. TMI Alert-skip this next line if you don't like TMI, read on if you do...pervs.... Yeah so...I'm riding Todd like there's no tomorrow when Big Sis walks into the room and gasps as if she needed to use my inhaler. It was in my purse, she could've gotten it. After seeing her face of horror/ sheer loathing (not like the "Oops, I walked in on fornication face") I had the impulse to grin and wave but instead I just stopped dead. Todd kind of tossed me and rushed out of the room to "comfort" his sister. It was totally a Flowers in the Attic kind of moment. I was pissed, mostly I admit, because I was almost there.
This time I did gather my clothes and (what was left of my dignity). I got dressed and walked past the wacko brother/sister team who were sitting on the couch I conked out on the week before. I liked the pleading on Todd A's part it was great, "I'm soo sorry that I've gone against You and OUR RELIGION. My flesh is weak...and she's, she's..." I slammed the door at that part because I didn't want to hear how I was Jezabel or Lilith or Eve or whatever other fucking biblical woman they wanted to slander to make up for weaknesses on both parts.
He called the next day to apologize. I took a break from seeing him again for a couple of weeks because I was weirded out, but I did agree to hear him out, I thought maybe it was because I was drunk that perhaps I over-reacted or I didn't interpret the situation the way it actually went down. Why I doubted myself, I'll never know because then I dated him for a couple of months (of course, far from his Mommy and Big Sis's watchful eyes) but it was the biggest waste of time. He was totally warped and wrapped up in the Madonna/Whore complex and of course, you could see which category I fell under. And because of that he was always trying to have sex with me like I wasn't there. I was kind of the accessory that fit on his penis, it was very odd. But never you worry, I would always fix that behavior and I would show him that it was unacceptable (of course he just paid me lip service but I thought I was getting through to him. Remember I'm still a little young and wet behind the ears at this point. I didn't know what I wanted or what I was willing to accept)
Oh but the absolute kicker? It turned out he was always lying to me. He was an alcoholic, that's why he didn't drink. Do you think I felt like an asshole for taking him to bars with my friends and myself? Do you think that I felt a little shitty about being drunk sometimes when I kissed him? And do you think that he tried to blame me for wanting to drink, turning away from his religious beliefs, etc. NO I DID NOT, BECAUSE HE NEVER TOLD ME!! After ripping him a new asshole (larger than the one he already had, which he called his head), I ran away from that trainwreck of a relationship as quickly as my legs could carry me...where ran straight into the arms of the other Todd (oh boy).
PS. I dated normal people too...these stories are just much more fun to regale you with!
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