Compared to John's exs, I'm a very vanilla type o' girl. I mean, he had the bi-sexual who teased John with the idea of threesomes. She travels the world, meets interesting people and experiences all kindsof crazythings. He also had the Buddhist girl who liked being tied up and caned. He even had a random encounter where he joined the mile high club with a good looking cougar when he was 24. I never really thought of myself of as vanilla until it was pointed out to me that I rarely, if ever talk dirty to him (granted John didn't call me vanilla...but that's to expected if he expects to continue having sex with me).

Now there are two reasons why I haven't used my dirty mouth (which I have in the past). One, I get a little embarassed how stupid it sounds, although most of the time (in sweeter terms) I'm thinking exactly what he wants me to say but I don't. And then two, my mind kind of blanks sometimes when we're in the middle of things. I go off to La La land and leave John to whatever it is he doing, occasionally reminding him that if he stops I'll kill him...it's just the kind of girl I am.

John came up with a way to get over the embarassment...because it is true, there's no reason to be embarassed. I mean my face is in the mattress, my ass is in the air and I've been known to scare small children with my yelling because we always leave the windows open...so why be embarassed? John's way of "schooling me in the art of talking like a dirty porn slut" was to tell me what he wanted to hear and have me repeat it. As we went about this mimicking routine/sex act/impregnation attempt #1, I got a little more into it...still...a little unsure of myself but ready to try and impress him with my dirty mouth next time. I mean I always impress him with my dirty mouth one way or another right?

Next lesson? Role Playing...

Now you may wonder how a woman like myself hasn't done this yet? I reply with this...it's a pretty random thing to ask of a one night stand---"Hi, I'm not completely sure of your first name but could you cane me?" "Oh? You're not into caning? Well perhaps you have a costume in your back pocket to role play with me?" "Oh, you don't..." Hmmm. Guess now you can see why has the "fortune/misfortune" to introduce me to all this stuff...because of my dirty, sordid past. Who knew that married life would turn me into a more adventurous girl?

PS. Making babies is fun, y'all! Ha ha...I just wanted to channel a little Brit Brit for a second there.

Well, my decision is made...after making two other blogs (the one I may keep), I decided to plant my feet like Keri Strug and stick it out. Obviously, if I have a blog and I write about myself in a space as vast as the Internet, there's a level of expectation. I expect, I hope that people read my thoughts...so be it. I'm sure everyone with a blog has a moment where you wonder and worry--what you wonder and worry about varies on any given day.

So whatever, I'm back and here to stay.

On a totally different subject. Here are some marital questions for you that stem from recent discussions while snuggling on the couch:

1. Is it wrong to make your husband list all the people he's had sex with, including first and last names while you count on your hands and tsk, tsk him? How about when he forgets someone and you put her on the list for him because you've made him make the list before?

2. Is it wrong to be proud of your husband for not being a total slut, like...ahem...some people were at (brief) points in their lives?

3. While he's making said list, is it ok to make gagging noises/dog barks/and/or snickering sounds at the mention of some of the girls' names?

4. Is it wrong to declare that you are like Grover Cleveland in that you served two terms in his sex life, just not consecutively, to prove that you "won" and that the girl in between your "terms" is stupid and gross? (R, if you still read this...I'm not talking about you!)


5. Is it wrong that when your husband grabs you (and pokes you painfully in the ribs like you do to him ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME) for being a smartass and says, "Ok let's hear your list..." to declare that you were a virgin before him...even though you know that he's read your archives.

6. Is it wrong for a husband to ask you to define what a "tear" is. As in, "After so and so broke up with me, I went on a bit of a tear through men." Tear= However many men it takes to get over the last relationship. (As some wise woman once said, "The best way to get over a man, is to get under another one")

7. Is it wrong that your husband is convinced that you've slept with over 100 people! Even though you try to allay his fears that the number is much, much lower. C'mon John...I had to work every now and then, I couldn't lay around in bed all the time!

8. And finally, is it wrong that when your cute husband asks you if you need anything before he leaves for work (because you are on vacation!), that you say sweetly, "A nice hard cock would do me nicely" knowing that he would love to crawl back in bed with you but he has to begin his long commute into the city and he knows what you'll be doing...if you remembered to buy batteries!