This is blog of a woman who didn't know what she wanted and so chased after dreams and men in search of the answers...drunken hilarity ensued. Then one day she met a man who was everything she wanted, but he wasn't so sure. Then she did the unthinkable; after they broke up she gave him this blog address and she let him into her mind as well as her heart. Unbelievably, even after sorting through the sordid archives of failed relationships, one night stands and her lusty (and embarassing) pursuit to secure the heart of a certain young line cook, John somehow managed to fall in love with her too. Melina and John were married a little over six months after they started dating, running away to Las Vegas to seal the deal. You can imagine what the over/under bet was to see if they'd even make it a year!! Over a year later and they are still going strong...this blog has become their story. Need to tell me something? Email me at Melinalovesjohnny at gmail dot com
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Monday, April 09, 2007
What Brings People to My Neck of the Woods...
So I was checking my sitemeter and reading the keywords that brought people to my little corner of the Internets and some of the queries just made me giggle so I wanted to share. Let's call this the "Funny, Yet Somewhat Perverted Keyword List". Some of the keywords are puzzling, some are funny and some are just plain strange. Let's get started, shall we?

1. Melina Boobs. First of all, yes let me start with the fact that I do indeed have mammary glands and thusly, boobs. Second of all, John said to me on Saturday, "Let me look at that rack" (as I was trying on shirts braless to see if I wanted to keep them or not. He continued by saying, "Damn you have great boobs for being thirty...hell even for an eighteen year old." Because he says smart and truthful things like this, he gets regular sex and all of my love and affection. Continue praising my breasts John and you will remain in good favor of the queen (me). Although it's not hard to compliment them...they are pretty nice. Even my favorite friend from work Jackie could tell you that. Don't ask.

2. How to tell if a man is playing games with a woman. The easiest way to tell if someone is playing a game is to look around to see if there is a deck of cards, dice, Monopoly board, Twister plastic dot thingy, or some other game component. If you don't see any of these things then you are not, I repeat, not playing a game.

3. Blow me in stockings. If I didn't know better I would thought that John wrote this keyword, if we could just substitute stockings with knee high socks. Poor kid, I'll have to buy more of them...our dog keeps burying all my socks in the back yard (still) and when I do wear knee high socks for John one's a green argyle and the other is a white sock with flowers running up the side. Tres sexy, no?

4. "my first time" plant. I didn't realize that people celebrated their first sexual experience with plants these days. Who gives this plant to you? The person you had sex with? Your mom? I think I want a first time plant!

5. "back seat" bra pill. I think the same person who introduced me to the "first time plant" is now introducing me to the "back seat bra pill". Now I'm not exactly sure what a back seat bra pill is but I'm going to take a stab in the dark. So, you're in the back seat clumsily making out with someone and you just can't seem to get her bra off. So you pull out a Braoff (patent pending) and pop it into your mouth. Instantly you become dexterous and are able to remove the cumbersome garment (an aside: John can get my bra off faster than I can! Seriously, I've never seen anyone able to do it simply by twisting his thumb and forefinger and it is off! He should patent that little move).

6. Daddy's Little Slut XXX. This is only funny to me because I think John and my dad look alike, particularly when John wears his (new! replacing his missing) aviator sunglasses. This creeps John out sometimes (not that I blame him)...and because of this, I don't think he ever really wants me to call him Daddy. Because of this, I doubt I'll ever be Daddy's Little Slut...fine by me.

7. Playgirl Men. On my 16th my dad purchased me a copy of Playgirl and a box of condoms. The condoms were in case I was thinking about having sex and the Playgirl was just for a laugh. Well, it sure was a laugh...there is nothing sexy about Playgirl. I remember lots of flaccid penises and posing in junkyards. Hott.

8. And the keyword that wins for the most random..." Molson Golden lion being sucked off by a seal". I am apparently the number two website for such a query. I am honored. When I tried to find something on Google images using this exact query, this is what I found.

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posted by Melina at 11:35 AM