I hate standing next to ER's (John's bro) girlfriend. It's not because I don't like her...because I do. It's because I hate how imperfect I feel standing next to her. Without fail her hair will be perfectly clipped up/barretted, perfectly coiffed and looking sexy. Mine?Oh it's down, or in a ponytail, it really can't be described as anything else. Her makeup-flawless. Mine? Non-existent. Her clothes? Fabulous! Mine? This old thing? And I do mean this incredibly old thing bought at the GAP, probably the year I was going to enter college (which if we are keeping track...it's seven years at this point).

Perfect hair, perfect tan, stunning blue eyes, gorgeous long black hair, and a size two...why would I hate standing next to her?

Probably because after I put ketchup on my hot dog at the Phillies game, it dripped down the front of my shirt.

Since 2003 I've owned my own home and lived alone...and loved it. I know there are lots of people out there who don't like to be alone but I am not one of those people. It is a true testament to the fact that I love John that we've been able to co-habitate for almost a year now. I just wasn't hardwired for roommates...I like space. I like quiet. I like things my way. Basically, I'm just a bitch. That being said, I have a roommate for about three weeks. John's brother moved in with us temporarily and will be moving out at the first of the month. He's actually the best roommate I've ever had...he cooks, he cleans, he shares his spare cigarettes and he has a pretty kick ass dog. However, his timing could be better...

I came home from work yesterday and things started out great with a fun afternoon romp with John--this is something that never happens on a weekday because John doesn't get home from work until 6:45 usually Since he's on a mini-vacation, he was ready willing and able. Just as we had moved our sweaty bodies to the floor for Round Two (Ding,ding,ding), we heard from downstairs, "Hey guys...(pause. no answer from us) Guys? How do you set up the wireless signal to my computer?" It was John's brother ER. Damned, if John didn't open the door and yell down to him, trying to give essential instructions. Then, after looking at me said quickly (I think this was when he saw the demon fire in my eyes flickering), "I'll be down in a little." With that, my sweet brother in law realized what exactly was going on and scampered off to Kohl's to look at ties (keep your fingers crossed!! He went to a job fair specifically for military and former military peeps) for a little while.

While ER's timing could be better, John's idea of what's appropriate to share with my new family members also could be better...in fact, I pretty much wanted to punch him in the face. However, I don't need spousal abuse on my record and because he was three sheets to the wind, (remember, the boy's on vacation...he got liquored up as if someone was serving him drinks out a coconut) I forgave him.

We went out for Pint Night (if you get the beer that's on special, you get to keep your pint glass every time--it's a bit of a crap shoot...I don't need any NASCAR BudRacing pint glasses) with ER and his girlfriend. We got on the subject of Ocean City, MD and ER said something like, "It's like a mini Vegas...what happens in OCMD stays in OCMD!" and I nodded sagely having lived there for a summer and said glibly, "Like uh going down there to work for a summer when you first turn 21 and sleep with your 33 old boss?"(which I did). Now I left out part of the story but this story alone made ER's eyes bug out a little. However, it was nothing compared to the way his eyes bugged when John threw out fairly nonchalantly, "...and had a threesome with one of his friends." This is the point where I thought ER was going to have a heart attack but instead he said, "What?!?" with incredulity and I gave John a glare, he simply crossed his arms and said, "What? You did!" Oh jeez. Grasshopper has much to learn. Let's hope ER drank as much as John did last night and I don't have to sit and draw diagrams later...which I know I don't since Mr. ER travelled the world as a GI and I know for a fact is a wee bit (read: a lot) more worldly than I'll ever be!

John and I made a pact not to go out and blow all our money at the bar during this holiday weekend...and we followed that pact, however, I came out of the weekend with $58 in my checking account. Catch-22 right?

We did go out, we just did it on Thursday (not the weekend, you see?!?). We met up with John's brother ER at one of the three bars in town that he's not banned from. Sadly, he can't come with us to thitwbar...but we're working on that. If John and I aren't banned from there, neither should ER. From there, we went to thithwbar to play some pool. We thought in some naive way that we could go in there, play some pool and then go home...not so. We ran into EVERYONE there! So of course, we grabbed bar stools and stayed awhile...probably too long.

Friday was a day of recovery for the two of us. In our drunken state we agreed to host an after party for another one of our friend Tony's drunk bus tours (his band plays somewhere and he rents a bus to bring along a crowd). Again, we were proud of ourselves for not partaking in the night's activities but I guess at the time (Thursday night's drunkeness) we wanted to still be included...not so much on Friday night. We planted our butts on the couch and began watching Black Christmas. Within seconds John was snoring happily while I watched the incredibly stupid plot of a spree killer with yellow skin killing people on Christmas Eve...oh, and he really likes to eat eyeballs. Whoo! As I alternated between watching dumb movie #3,900,432 of my lifetime and watching my slumbering husband (who was, by far more entertaining), I realized that in a few hours there were going to be lots of drunken people in our house. I was tired. I didn't want to host anyone at my house anymore. The idea seemed so perfect after several drinks but it seemed pretty damn flawed when sober. I got up off the couch and announced to John's prone body, "We are not having an after-party here!" and I marched over to the door and locked it. Now, I would've had a tough time explaining this to the disgruntled post party goers but as luck would have it, I fell asleep watching Law & Order on the couch and never heard their phone calls.

At around 3:30am, John and I both awoke (John having slept for 8 hours and I having slept 5) and we were wide awake. So we did what any fun couple would do...we decided to go to an all night diner and have some breakfast! Well...except for one thing. When we arrived at the diner (fun fact* it was the first place I ever puked from drinking as a teen), I realized that I had left my cash at home. We turned around and John tried to continue to love me and we ended up at a different (much better) diner after we stopped at the house for the forgotten cash.

Saturday was spent in two ways--cleaning/organizing and drinking. I've mentioned it before but John plies me with alcohol so that I will be productive in the cleaning process and so I won't pout. It actually really works...and I actually worked too! We sorted my clothes, washed countless numbers of laundry loads, made a gigantic pile for Good Will and filled my IKEA wardrobes (yes two...I had to steal the one that was meant for John) to the brim. Eventually, John declared that we had done enough work and we set about to do as many Jagerbombs in our kitchen as we could. There's still an enormous amount of work to do in our back bedroom but shockingly, there's no Jagermeister left...funny how things work like that, isn't it?

Yesterday we saw Grindhouse and I thought it was amazingly good! My favorite parts were the fake trailers that came in between the two movies. John swears that he would really go see Machete but I think I would want to see Thanksgiving.

This movie, looks pretty exciting to me too. What could be better than killer sheep?

1:41 am, that's what the clock said to me when I looked at it blearily as the dog was going wild. "What's going on?" I thought to myself. The dog rarely barks and when she does, it's for attention. This time the dog was beside herself, running up and down the stairs--growling and snarling at the door. That was enough for me to be concerned.

I had just relocated myself to the couch downstairs about a half hour beforehand because I couldn't stop coughing. I didn't want to keep John up so I just decided to curl up and be miserable downstairs. I sat up in the darkness and said, "What's up? What d'ya hear?" and then I heard it too...the front door knob was turning! I thought for a moment, "Did we remember to lock the door before we went to bed?"( sadly, I'm a little lax here in the Cornfield, but I guess I probably shouldn't be). And then again, I thought a little harder, "HOLY SHIT! Did we or did we not lock the door?!?" With that petrifying thought running wildly in my head. I quickly screamed up the stairs, "John! There's someone here! And they're trying to get inside!"
He yelled back to me, "I heard! Don't worry, it's locked and I'm taking care of it!"
From downstairs I heard him throw up the window in our bedroom and bellow out into the darkness, "Hey! What's going on down there? What do you want?"
And then I heard, "Hey, it's ER...can I stay here tonight?" followed by some girlish giggles in the background. It appeared that ER was not alone.

Finally, it all came together for me, and my heart slowed a little. John's brother has just moved back into the state after his three year relationship ended, and he's staying with John's dad who expressed that there should be no sleepover guests of any kind...a rule that ER already broke last week, and because of this caught a little hell. This morning it was nice to see that he tried to give us a head's up. ER sent both of us a text message at 12:30 am asking if it would be ok if he brought a girl over to our house. Unfortunately for him, we'd already been sleeping for about two hours and never got the message.

ER is a good looking kid so to be safe, I think we should probably just give him a key...or we'll be waking up the neighborhood on a daily basis! Who knew our cuddle puppy was actually a half decent guard dog??