Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee did it, Paris Hilton and Rick Solomon did it, Tayna Harding and Jeff Gilooly (unfortunately did it), and so too did Melina and Johnny this weekend. You will never see the video but I want to offer a few tips.

If you choose to make a sex tape you have to realize a few things:

a) Sometimes "you" (meaning me) will make very concerned faces when giving a blow job. Seriously, at one point, I was convinced that I had been involved in a matter of national security after seeing my pursed brows and my extremely serious looks upwards (aka "the fish eye). After today, I swear that I will not approach the act as if I was trying to figure out a puzzle such as World Peace. John swears that he will work on his breathing---because he was holding the camera he ended up sounding like an asthmatic without an inhaler. I'm sure if the microphone hadn't been within two inches of his face he wouldn't have sounded like such.

b) We've established this weekend that it's true that if you use "night vision" like Paris and Rick Solomon did, it will look eerie--similar to two phantoms banging in the night( the only difference between us and Paris and Rick? My collar bones could never cut anyone and John made sex less of a chore as opposed to Rick and Paris--sorry if you've never seen the tape---you're not missing anything. Oh and I didn't stop mid-anything to take a phone call, that's just rude)...however, it makes sense to use the night vision setting if you're staging part of your sex tape on the stairs of your house and there's a huge window that looks out onto the street. Sure, the idea of voyeurism can be sexy sometimes, but not when you know that your neighbor across the street will be making your next hoagie at Wawa for you...and, he's a bit weird, AND he propositioned both you and a friend back when you were both single and offered you "wacky tobacckey" as long as you let him "hang out" at your house because his wife was "a bore"...Needless to say, we turned him down and even more needless to say, I don't really need him to be seeing my ass any time soon...a little thin lace curtain seems hardly a deterrent.

c) Your partner might have a hard time holding the camera and maintaining balance while fornicating on the stairs. Find a partner with sound equilibrium or a man who knows his limits.

d) Keep in mind, when you make a sex tape you will see certain body parts in a way that you never dreamed was possible. Nature seems to work in a very special way, you can only see so much of your own ass and that's probably for a reason. From certain angles I was heard murmurring, "Oh my, my ass is adorable!" and for the first time in my life, I was pleased with my ass. John was also heard saying, "Look at my dick!" (as in, "My dick looks phenomenal", or "I always knew my dick was the Hammer of the Gods") but like all good things, too much is bad. Later, I was heard saying "Oh MY GOD, LET'S ALL HYPERVENTILATE BECAUSE MY GARGANTUAN ASS IS GOING TO TAKE OVER THE CITY!!!!" Seriously, it was horrifying. John must have the eye of Larry Flint or something because whenever he set up the camera I looked alright...surely not porn star material but I guess better than your average bear (Larry Flint is probably not a good example since Hustler has never been accused of being artistic in style). When I took my turn at setting up the camera I managed to capture my ass in ZOOM and it filled up the screen in all its flawed full whiteness...I've seen smaller full moons.

e) Don't stop mid session to see how your film is going...you may not want to continue after you accidentally hit the zoom feature and saw your gargantuan ass on tape.

f) It's all about the lighting.

g) It may cause you to go on a diet.

h) You'll probably be willing to make another tape soon, but you'll choose your angles wisely.