I'll take hodgepodge for $300, Alex...
This weekend was an odd one. Good odd in one sense, bad odd in another.
John and I had been sending emails to each other all day on Friday and it became pretty clear that it didn't look like he was going to be up for going out that night. The boy stayed out all night on the 16th drinking like a fish and had the hangover to prove it. When I told him that it was ok if he stayed home on Friday night and that maybe we'd be able to get together on Sunday (he had plans for Saturday evening) he said, "No. I'll just come up tonight, lay on the couch and watch movies in your jammies and then pick you up when you're ready to come home. I just want to wake up next to you in the morning." Ah, sometimes that man melts my heart. The only lie in that sentence is sometimes.
T and I went out around 5pm for some early St. Patty's Day festivities/ and our friend (T's lust for life) Tony had his last official day bartending. When we arrived, it appeared that Tony had been celebrating his last day at work with lots o'Irish cheer...he was plenty intoxicated. Anyways, he's a charming drunk so it worked out alright, well at least for a few hour...that story to follow.
John arrived around 9 and he decided to stay and hang out at the bar for a little. Actually, I promised to feed him when he got there, but then I forgot. Things were great for a while.I mean I got to see the man I adore, I was pretty tipsy but not obnoxiously so, I was with my friend T...things were great. That was until, John and Tony got into a (verbal) fight. It was pretty heartbreaking to watch because they weren't even really raising their voices all that much, they were just slaying each other with words. I think the fight started because of the break up of the band, but I can't be sure. Either way, the fight seemed to ruin the night for both of them. Tony stormed away, and John decided that he was going to go to another bar with another old friend of his. He told me to stay where I was and that he would meet up with me in an hour or so...he just needed to get away. Fine by me, it looked like he needed to cool down.
Our night ended with us meeting up at thitwbar, going back to my house and having a feast of chicken nuggets and raviolis...don't ask me!! John was the one acting as the chef for the evening, or I suppose to be more accurate--early am. We fell asleep on the couch attempting to watch A Nightmare on Elm Street, because that/s what you do on St. Patrick's day, watch horror movies...ok, that's what I do.
Saturday, John and I watched Walk the Line. I didn't get a chance to see the movie in the theaters, but I'm damn happy I rented it. Joaquin's (yes, just Joaquin...he and I are good friends, I don't need to mention his last name...ok that's just in my dreams. Fine. Ruin it for me) performance gave me goosebumps and the story of Johnny and June (although somewhat glossed over) was damn sweet. And it definitely got me thinking--which could be a good thing, or it could be a bad thing. In this case...I'm still not sure if it was good or bad.
My John has my heart..all of it. He never asked for it, but I'm in love--really deeply in love. And I’m scared. Because even when things are great between us, I feel like the other shoe's going to drop and I know I'm going to be the most broken hearted person in the world. He's told me that he's been in love once, and as luck would have it, it was with the girl before me. He finally ended things with her after Thanksgiving but...he's stillquietly hurting from the situation, and I can kind of tell this in his vulnerable moments. He asked her to marry him and not to leave him. She went away to another state basically to just ski and party. For the next year of their relationship, he was at her emotional beck and call...she called him, and he flew down to be with her (when she moved to yet another state). During their entire(nearly two year) relationship they spent only five months in the same state. And this is the one woman he's ever been in love with? Uggh. I'm sorry, but I know that I'm a better quality of person who would never treat him (or anyone that I claimed to like or even love) like that! And to top it off, she's been attempting to reach out to him again. She called him from Florida to let him know that her dog died. I mean, ok…he did spend quite a bit of time with the dog and all, but c'mon woman, give me a chance!! I guess that’s the point, not to give me a chance...she's seen pictures of us on Myspace together and I'm guessing she felt the need to try to rope him back into a little more heartache.
Yesterday as we were lying in bed he was looking into my face and he asked me what was wrong. I told him quietly, "I'm jealous of R_________."He kissed my forehead and said, "Don't be jealous of her. She wasn't what I wanted. I thought she was, but it turned out that she wasn't. Why are you jealous?" And my reply was simple, "Because she had your heart..." The unfinished part of the sentence "...and I don't". I thought I did for a litle there, but now, not so much.
I don't know how it's possible for me to feel so close to him, and yet at the same time I feel like there's a part of him that's closed off to me. I can deal with it closed off for now, but not forever. I'm in too deep to turn away now, so I'm going to be patient and wait to see if John's going to heal up and let me in or not. I mean, I can only win or lose right?
John and I had been sending emails to each other all day on Friday and it became pretty clear that it didn't look like he was going to be up for going out that night. The boy stayed out all night on the 16th drinking like a fish and had the hangover to prove it. When I told him that it was ok if he stayed home on Friday night and that maybe we'd be able to get together on Sunday (he had plans for Saturday evening) he said, "No. I'll just come up tonight, lay on the couch and watch movies in your jammies and then pick you up when you're ready to come home. I just want to wake up next to you in the morning." Ah, sometimes that man melts my heart. The only lie in that sentence is sometimes.
T and I went out around 5pm for some early St. Patty's Day festivities/ and our friend (T's lust for life) Tony had his last official day bartending. When we arrived, it appeared that Tony had been celebrating his last day at work with lots o'Irish cheer...he was plenty intoxicated. Anyways, he's a charming drunk so it worked out alright, well at least for a few hour...that story to follow.
John arrived around 9 and he decided to stay and hang out at the bar for a little. Actually, I promised to feed him when he got there, but then I forgot. Things were great for a while.I mean I got to see the man I adore, I was pretty tipsy but not obnoxiously so, I was with my friend T...things were great. That was until, John and Tony got into a (verbal) fight. It was pretty heartbreaking to watch because they weren't even really raising their voices all that much, they were just slaying each other with words. I think the fight started because of the break up of the band, but I can't be sure. Either way, the fight seemed to ruin the night for both of them. Tony stormed away, and John decided that he was going to go to another bar with another old friend of his. He told me to stay where I was and that he would meet up with me in an hour or so...he just needed to get away. Fine by me, it looked like he needed to cool down.
Our night ended with us meeting up at thitwbar, going back to my house and having a feast of chicken nuggets and raviolis...don't ask me!! John was the one acting as the chef for the evening, or I suppose to be more accurate--early am. We fell asleep on the couch attempting to watch A Nightmare on Elm Street, because that/s what you do on St. Patrick's day, watch horror movies...ok, that's what I do.
Saturday, John and I watched Walk the Line. I didn't get a chance to see the movie in the theaters, but I'm damn happy I rented it. Joaquin's (yes, just Joaquin...he and I are good friends, I don't need to mention his last name...ok that's just in my dreams. Fine. Ruin it for me) performance gave me goosebumps and the story of Johnny and June (although somewhat glossed over) was damn sweet. And it definitely got me thinking--which could be a good thing, or it could be a bad thing. In this case...I'm still not sure if it was good or bad.
My John has my heart..all of it. He never asked for it, but I'm in love--really deeply in love. And I’m scared. Because even when things are great between us, I feel like the other shoe's going to drop and I know I'm going to be the most broken hearted person in the world. He's told me that he's been in love once, and as luck would have it, it was with the girl before me. He finally ended things with her after Thanksgiving but...he's stillquietly hurting from the situation, and I can kind of tell this in his vulnerable moments. He asked her to marry him and not to leave him. She went away to another state basically to just ski and party. For the next year of their relationship, he was at her emotional beck and call...she called him, and he flew down to be with her (when she moved to yet another state). During their entire(nearly two year) relationship they spent only five months in the same state. And this is the one woman he's ever been in love with? Uggh. I'm sorry, but I know that I'm a better quality of person who would never treat him (or anyone that I claimed to like or even love) like that! And to top it off, she's been attempting to reach out to him again. She called him from Florida to let him know that her dog died. I mean, ok…he did spend quite a bit of time with the dog and all, but c'mon woman, give me a chance!! I guess that’s the point, not to give me a chance...she's seen pictures of us on Myspace together and I'm guessing she felt the need to try to rope him back into a little more heartache.
Yesterday as we were lying in bed he was looking into my face and he asked me what was wrong. I told him quietly, "I'm jealous of R_________."He kissed my forehead and said, "Don't be jealous of her. She wasn't what I wanted. I thought she was, but it turned out that she wasn't. Why are you jealous?" And my reply was simple, "Because she had your heart..." The unfinished part of the sentence "...and I don't". I thought I did for a litle there, but now, not so much.
I don't know how it's possible for me to feel so close to him, and yet at the same time I feel like there's a part of him that's closed off to me. I can deal with it closed off for now, but not forever. I'm in too deep to turn away now, so I'm going to be patient and wait to see if John's going to heal up and let me in or not. I mean, I can only win or lose right?
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