This is blog of a woman who didn't know what she wanted and so chased after dreams and men in search of the answers...drunken hilarity ensued. Then one day she met a man who was everything she wanted, but he wasn't so sure. Then she did the unthinkable; after they broke up she gave him this blog address and she let him into her mind as well as her heart. Unbelievably, even after sorting through the sordid archives of failed relationships, one night stands and her lusty (and embarassing) pursuit to secure the heart of a certain young line cook, John somehow managed to fall in love with her too. Melina and John were married a little over six months after they started dating, running away to Las Vegas to seal the deal. You can imagine what the over/under bet was to see if they'd even make it a year!! Over a year later and they are still going strong...this blog has become their story. Need to tell me something? Email me at Melinalovesjohnny at gmail dot com
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Monday, March 27, 2006
You're Just Not Good Enough...For Anyone
Saturday night he asked me what I was going to do and I just shook my head and said, "I can't quit you" but that wasn't what he wanted me to say. He wanted me to appreciate the good weekend together and then bow out of the race gracefully. But I refused to do it. So he did it for me on Sunday. Even though I want to be put into a medically induced coma right now to avoid all these horrible feelings, I have to be fair, he didn't want me to bother running in a race that I couldn't possibly win. But I would've given anything to fight for my chance, but that's part of the whole thing I suppose...there's no chance and nothing to fight for--John made his decision and I have to live with it. Last night I dreamed about the Tam Lin story, but in my dream I held the role of Tam Lin and John was the one to hold onto me...but as I continued to change into all the different forms he let go of me, and I was lost forever. I woke up crying.

Yesterday he sent me a text asking me when a good time to talk would be. Immediately I knew what the impending conversation would be about, and just as immediately I went and threw up in the bathroom. My body has been rebelling against me since that phone call--shaking, crying, throwing up, the works. I'm still shaking while I write this and my eyes are welling up with tears, because I just cannot believe it's over. I mean seriously, I'm having difficulty fathoming it. I obviously have no idea about anything because I felt such hope and promise when it came to us.

So he calls me, and I behave like a five year old (responding with yeahs and oks) because I just couldn't deal with his explanation of how it was just going to hurt all involved in the long run...I mean, could it get more complicated than this for me? I feel cheated out of my final two last months. But I guess the real thing is that now that I'm out of the way, there's no roadblocks for R________ and John's relationship other than their own stuff. No me to complicate anything more, although I feel hardly a complication and more a nuisance or possibly a nice little distraction to pass the time.

It hurts. I haven't been hurt like this in four years, and those scars rear their ugly heads at all times, I wonder how much more messed up I'm going to be now, after this? To know that you weren't good enough for the person you thought was good enough for you, is a constant message that is being imprinted in both my head and heart. I feel unwanted and useless. It's almost as if someone's saying, "Hey, you're good enough to spend some time with and sleep with but I can't give you the good parts of me because well, you're just not good enough." I've pretty much kept my head about me and made my heart off limits for four years...never dating anyone too long, sensing if they were beginning to like me too much, or just setting up the casual physical thing that works when you're just emotionally spent like I had been and I've stayed heartbreak free for the most part...hell, I even invented the Derek chase thing just so I wouldn't have to worry about men:)
But then there was John. This is just a lesson in judgement. Apparently, I have none and apparently I should never trust myself. I met him and I thought to myself, "This guy looks like he'd never hurt me." I agree, a weird thought to have, but I swear I had it. It was strange. The night I met him I was just struck by his presence. I kept thinking to myself, "What is it about him?" because he did it for me, but I didn't know why. Now I could list about a hundred reasons why.

And now, to be cut out of his life--so abruptly. He told me that he was going to shade out, and that I wouldn't see him here in town and that he would stay out of my hair and not contact...but really, he just needs me out of his hair because heknows that I want to stay in contact with him. He knows that I would take anything I could get from him. He deleted me off his myspace page, he cut out all of my friends as well. When I saw it, I was sitting with T. She looked at me, her face went white, "Oh. I'm so sorry. I don't know why he did that honey. It seems so mean." I couldn't answer or comment, I just stared at the computer, silent tears rolled down my cheeks until I buried my head in T's lap. That was a pretty loud and clear message,Not good enough to love, not good enough to be a friend...just plain not good enough. Perhaps that wasn't the intent, John said it was supposed to be for "a clean break" as he put it,I guess to avoid the reaching out (that seems to be a really effective method for R______ don't know why I couldn't try it too?), but it was one more thing to make me feel worthless.

Bear with me, I have a feeling there will be a lot of these posts, I need to get it out because I hurt so much.
posted by Melina at 7:11 AM