So back to the story now that I can see the keys of the keyboard...I was a little banged up last night while I was trying to write, which probably explains the lack of coherence of the previous post.

After laying in bed all day with the bizarre mix of laughing, crying, having sex and trying to come to a decision about the state of things, we decided it was time for a shower and food--I mean, it was six after all. Still, no real decision had been reached. We basically just kept saying, "What the hell are we going to do?" because in all fairness, John wasn't expecting to break my heart, and I wasn't expecting to fall in love with him OR have to deal with this R_______ situation. Here's the "best" part...she's coming home for the summer, so basically I have a shelf life of two months. Two months and then he'll be so wrapped back up in the mindfuck that is R________ and I'll be nursing my tattered heart...it may sound overly dramatic, but it's pretty much the way it's going to go...and I'm doing nothing to stop it. I'm not looking for pity and I'm not looking for advice (I mean, you can always give it) because I do know what I should do, but I'm avoiding all things practical and realistic because I want John in my life, it's as simple (and complicated as that).

I talked to my mom last night when I picked up my dog and she said, "So, we need to start thinking about a plan if you think you'll be going to the beach a lot this summer." And I told her quite frankly, "R_______'s coming home for the summer, so I probably won't be going to the beach." And my mom just hugged me, she started to give me advice but then said, "So...you really like this guy huh?" and I just nodded and she said, "Love doesn't have to hurt to be love you know..." we talked a little more and then I headed home. She didn't offer any advice, nor did she pronounce any judgement against John or against my apparent lack of self esteem, she kind of just observed me. Finally, I headed home I was exhausted.

Exhausted from the day's activity, both mentally exhausted and emotionally drained I just crawled into my jammies and tried to meditate. T, had different plans for me though. You see, I had been avoiding talking to her about the whole situation, this was due in part to the fact that I didn't want advice I knew I wasn't going to take nor did I want her to be mad at John...I mean it's our situation, and although I post it all here for the world to see, locally, I'm trying to just deal with this without including the whole world. It's tough, but I think that's the fairest way to deal with it. So T came over, threw clothes at me and told me that we were going to thitwbar. We went to the bar and I caught her up for the most part. T surprised me though,she just said, "Wow. You've had a rough couple of days huh?" To which I replied full of sarcasm, "Yes Captain Obvious it has been rough".

It would be much easier if I was a soul sucking bitch, he'd probably love me...and I wouldn't give a fuck, because I'd be the souless bitch who only cares about herself. And now he's off the hook because I'm not going into this blindly. My eyes and heart are wide open and ready for the inevitable breaking. I'm going to make these two months the best I can for myself because that's all I have to work with.