I will miss...

his eyes. John has two of the most beautiful eyes ever...a mostly greenish, slightly brownish color. They remind me of the woods right after a Spring rain. Gorgeous, calm and lush...his eyes captivated me.

his skin and his lips. I was probably constantly annoying him, but I couldn't keep my hands from making lazy circles on his arm, or on his chest or even brushing by his ultra soft lips.

his beard. I liked to cup his face in my hand when I kissed him. His beard was so surprisingly soft.

I will miss the ease with which we could hang out; whether we were playing Monopoly, grabbing something to eat, watching a movie or just enjoying each other's bodies...I always had a great time just spending time with him.

I will miss the way he enjoys music...moments will remain etched of him singing songs with his eyes closed, with a grin on his face saying, "Oh man this part is the greatest" and he would point the tiniest musical nuance-that indeed would be awesome-but would've been missed without him.

I will miss holding his hand walking down the street...I will always miss lacing my hands in his hands and thinking, "This is one of those rare but perfect moments."

I will miss when at first he seemed surprised about my little gestures--like the time I brought him dinner without him asking. He looked genuinely surprised which is why I always wanted to give him more. He's the kind of man who deserves the world, but rarely gets it.

I will miss his touch; the warm hand resting gently on my side while we slept, the strong hands gripping my hips when we had sex, the index finger brushing errant bangs away from my face...his touch electrified me and I craved it. I wanted nothing more than for him to be touching me constantly, even if it was just an open palm in the small of my back.

I will miss him laughing at my laugh. I will miss laughing with him period.

I will miss hearing him talk. His voice has such a gentle cadence it was soothing just to hear him speak, add the ability to hold an intelligent conversation and it was just nice to hear him talk.

I will miss watching him sleep. He always slept later than me, and I tried not to do it for too long (because that could get creepy) but it just made me feel so calm when I watched him sleep. His face was free of worry and tension, his lips were slightly parted and his lashes would spike out over his high cheekbones. My heart would swell looking at him.

I will miss when some of this was my reality...now I don't believe any of it. I have to second guess my every thought concerning him and our times together. "My rare perfect moment" could've easily been a moment he was wishing I was R________. And that thought makes me die a little on the inside.

Finally,I will miss him-all of him. I actually made a long list of the things I would miss about him (as a way to stop crying a little and focus on something). I made a better list, with specific moments as well as things about him and then I just stopped. Because he won't miss me and it makes me cry because there's nothing wrong with me except that I wasn't the right girl...and there was no way for me to fix that. Otherwise I would've tried.

Finally, I will miss the hope. Soon it will die, the idea that maybe he'll change his mind. Maybe he'll realize that we could have something great together. I will miss that hope as each week goes by without him.