This is blog of a woman who didn't know what she wanted and so chased after dreams and men in search of the answers...drunken hilarity ensued. Then one day she met a man who was everything she wanted, but he wasn't so sure. Then she did the unthinkable; after they broke up she gave him this blog address and she let him into her mind as well as her heart. Unbelievably, even after sorting through the sordid archives of failed relationships, one night stands and her lusty (and embarassing) pursuit to secure the heart of a certain young line cook, John somehow managed to fall in love with her too. Melina and John were married a little over six months after they started dating, running away to Las Vegas to seal the deal. You can imagine what the over/under bet was to see if they'd even make it a year!! Over a year later and they are still going strong...this blog has become their story. Need to tell me something? Email me at Melinalovesjohnny at gmail dot com
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Tuesday, March 28, 2006
A Not So Cryptic Message
I've tried not to visit his myspace. I used to go a lot, just to admire stuff about his page...I mean he used to change little things and it was always interesting to see, he's such a tiny detail kind of man. I mean he's an interesting guy, his thought patterns and the way he expresses certain things are unique and fun to see/read/observe. But now I have to be careful. We were all joking just the other day about John's roommate's ex on myspace and how she uses myspace for stalking/and other crazy pursuits. I don't want to be that girl. So I'm not doing any surveys, I'm not contacting any of his friends or people I met through him. I'm just not doing anything. I'm actually considering deleting my myspace until I feel human again.

The one thing I did do was that I posted a blog for my friends. I was trying to send the message that I don't want a cheer up crew, I just need to be alone to think and figure out how I'm going to pick this all back up successfully. I don't want trips to the bar to get drunk, I don't want people holding my hands...I want to lay in my bed and stare at my ceiling and cry until it's all out. I think they were excited that I was finally excited about another guy since CV, like excited excited...not like the thrill of the chase or whatever. So that was the only thing I've done...and I'll probably just take it down, because I don't want to start doing that. Whatever that is, I guess a form of "reaching out"? Although that wasn't the intent.

Tonight I went to bed at 8'o clock because I was sick of crying and feeling just plain gross. I must've fallen asleep within minutes. But now its 3:50am and I'm wide awake so I headed down to the computer. I checked my friends and then...well I checked John's out too. I saw that he had a new blog and it had this on the inside:

"I know I don't look it but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel thin... sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. In fact I mean not to," with a picture of his hometown/the town I live in below the words.

I've just realized how much I really hate Lord of the Rings...but I'd say that was a pretty clear message, "Yo dude. I'm not coming back. Give it up." A fucking hobbit delivered the message. That's actually kind of funny if you think about it.

So be it. It's sad, but at least I won't be wasting any time on fantasy. John rarely followed through with anything that he said to me (helping me do my taxes [although I actually asked him to do these...he didn't offer, so that doesn't totally count], describing the beach for the summer/the swan paddle boats on the lake/having sex under the fireworks [I was SO looking forward to that one], the suggestion of a trip to San Diego, etc.), he had such great descriptive plans and he would make them sound so wonderful and I'd be so excited to share in them and then we never did them...but he'll stick to this. That's irony folks. But someone explain why he's being hurtful? That's what I want to this supposed to cauterize the wound? John, you can even answer that one for me if you want.

So I figure the plan is to close myself off from the world for the rest of the week, lick my wounds and then I can push it all down and carry the dull pain around without most people suspecting. I don't know what I'll blog about because soon (in a couple of days), this will be beating a dead horse...but I guess I'll figure it out.
posted by Melina at 3:46 AM