...you should just read my blog. We've got John, Rachel (formerly known as R______) and myself all on here. John felt the need to give the web address to Rachel because, "We're all tied up in this together" and when he told me what he did, instead of being angry, I actually agreed (although, after the fact. I would've preferred to give permission).

After speaking with John on email today, I feel better. After he left the comment on the blog, I copied/pasted and then annotated it and finally put it into an email (one that I'm not going to share)...I questioned all parts of his comment. And after he responded once, I pressed for more. He said something about no matter what he says he always hurts me. I don't think that he totally grasped the idea that sometimes the truth hurts but it's a hell of a lot better than being lied to and feeling and looking like a total ass. I feel better talking rather than putting up this stupid wall that was partially in place so that he could stop hurting me, and partially so that I wouldn't learn all of his lies. As I said to him today, "I don't love you. I love the John that you constructed for me. I think I would prefer the complicated/messed up John over the one who lies to me and tells me things I want to hear."

I understand more in some ways. I understand less in others.

I'm not saying I feel great. I'm not saying that I'm happy about this situation. I'm not saying that any of my feelings for John have dissipated; even now, knowing how he manipulated situations with me...but I feel a bit clearer. I may even eat tonight...it's been a couple days.

I have to say, losing some of my anonymity is scary. I've had to put forth the effort to make sure that my posts aren't self-edited, so far, so good. This blog has always been my way of dealing with things in my life. John pointed out that it's hard to read about yourself and your friends on here, and I've never had to deal with that issue before. There are posts that are so over the top, that you have to know they are exaggerated, but there are rare posts that are incredibly raw. I write for those rare raw posts. The past few days has been generating them. I love and hate that at the same time.

I've been writing exactly how and what I've thinking and feeling. For example, the "Going to Miss..." post. I wrote it, and it was a little embarassing posting it, knowing that John was going to read it--that wasn't a "take me back" post or a (god forbid) "have pity on me post"...it was me, journaling and cataloging someone who was in my life...and has (obviously) a great impact (both positive and negative) in my life. I have to post these things for me. And then learning that Rachel's on here as well?!? (no offense to you Rachel whatsoever, you deserve to be here) Well, we're all here now and this blog feels like an important tool now that it has acted as a catalyst for the truth, as little or much of it that I've gotten. I will remain as honest as I've been throughout this entire ordeal.

PS. John, give this website out to anyone else and I break your face, ok? That's only half a joke. I don't want to have to take it down and start again elsewhere...