Do you notice that when someone rejects you, your insecurites slowly start to seep out from their hidden places and sting you like a paper cut...or maybe like a million paper cuts? um, I'm not talking from experience here or anything, ha ha. Even in situations like this one, you can't help but think, "What could I have done differently?" Now here, obviously, I KNOW it all would've had the same outcome and I would've found myself in the same very odd little place that I am now...but the thought still appears in my head...because well, that's what I do.
(and before I start my diatribe...yes, yes...I know. It's not me. But I don't totally believe that, because if I was absolutely perfect and absolutely wonderful noone would leave me, turn me down or do anything bad to me. Believe me, I'm sure it's true)
"What if I was skinnier?"
"What if I was more open?"
"Or less open?"
"Or never gave him the blog address..." (had to throw that one in there...)
"What if I was different looking?"
"Or more vindictive..."
"Less compromising?"
"What if I lived in the city?"
"Or any city?"
"Maybe if my ass wasn't so big..."
"Crazy in bed? I could be crazy in bed..."
"Dressed flashier? I mean I have thousands of nice clothes...why do I always wear some form of black shirt? For the love of all that's good in the world?!?"

And then I find myself in front of the mirror. I'm stuck there making grimaces, looking at my butt from all angles, trying on different outfits...you know all the weird things that I think a lot of girls do. I even tested out different hair lengths, thought about dyeing it blonde for a second (uggh, never again!).

Talked to my mom last night. She called. I thought about avoiding her phone call but I took it. I'm in no mood for advice, especially when there are no actions to be taken. She loves to give me advice like I'm planning on doing something (well I guess maybe she's guarding against my crash and burn personality) Like, "Honey, don't move to Peru!" (which to be honest I wasn't planning on...I kind of hate Peru, and I don't even have a reason why) and because she knows me so well, "You didn't call any of those guys did you?" To which I made her the happiest woman alive, "No mom, it's just been me and the vibrator all the way there kiddo." (Did you even notice that stress such as this ups your libido? I'm just saying...)

What's nice is that while I was losing my mental stability (and I'm not even sure why I did...I had a good night, I went out to dinner...ate my first meal in three days. I felt fine, and then I went home and did a little backsliding--ah you little introspective girl, always gotta do the meta on yourself, doncha?) my mom's telling me lots of nice things about me. It's probably good to get the perspective of someone who's my biggest fan...especially since she knows all my flaws and shouldn't be.