I think our neighbors had a cigarette after we were done the other night. Perhaps it's the 5am workout regimen or maybe we are just two randy people, but last night kept me distracted all day thinking happy rosey thoughts about John...I am literally staring off into space thinking about him. Which leads me to a question that Gooseberried had, how did I know that John was the one for me? It was because of what I saw hidden in him...the stuff he was trying to make sure I wouldn't see, but it's hard to see how I got to John without knowing where I was before that.
Stop reading here if you've been with me over the past few years, it's just a rehashing of old events.
Some people have been reading this blog since the days that I was stalking Derek (the poor boy that worked at the bar up the street from my house whom I focused all my drunken affections on in a truly humiliating fashion that made this blog possible!) But to those of you who haven't been reading through the long haul here's a brief summary of what happened:

1. I fell in love with a boy when I was 25 (I went to college with him and loved him from afar the entire time). We dated for a while (after reuniting randomly in a graduate school class) then he broke up with me telling me that it was "too soon", because he ended his seven year relationship to be with me. Heartbreakingly he added that he just wasn't in love with me...although he had said it enough during our relationship for me to believe it. Six months after breaking up with me, he met his future wife and married her within the year.

2. A sad fact, I wasn't truly interested in a single man until I met John; it sounds cheesy and phony but it's the absolute truth. Yes, I dated here and there but I didn't get over Chris for years. It was a ridiculously long time for a fairly short relationship and I didn't do anything about it (like call him or anything), I just felt sad and broken for many years. Which is what caused #3.

3. I decided to harden my heart and just sleep with whomever I felt like it. It was fun, most of the time...occasionally it got messy but I was pretty good at separating true affection and sex...with my buddies T and Chelle by my side it became almost a sport for us and it filled our weekends pretty nicely.

4. I met Derek and I knew that he wasn't interested in me, so it was silly and safe to focus all my "love" on him because I wasn't going to get my heart broken...then I really kind of liked him. He still didn't like me and I was the drunkest stalker you could find! The blog posts are pretty funny but fairly embarassing to go back and read (Dec 04-Aug 05 I think). Looking back, I don't think I really would've liked Derek all that much if I knew him a little better than I did but it was a pretty fun time until I got depressed that he didn't like me (weird little things we do to ourselves, huh?). John likes to make fun of me because he and Derek went to high school together and were friends. I blush a lot when his name comes up.

5. After Derek left for school, I put myself on a Man Ban, and decided to get my head straight, heal my heart (finally) and move on with my life without sleeping with ex boyfriends, friends or strangers. I did pretty well. I avoided temptations left and right. I fought the urge to answer booty calls and I just kept chugging away in my self-prescribed celibacy. All I can really say about that period of time was that I kept the grocery store in business with all the batteries I was purchasing for my vibrator.

6. In a chance meeting right before Christmas, John was in town hanging out with his friends. T, Tony, John and I ended up staying up all night and I thought he was cute...in fact, I was thinking of calling off the Man Ban that night...alas, he dropped T and myself back at my house--but, he had my number if he wanted to use it.

7. I fell off the Man Ban bandwagon on Christmas Eve...it was uneventful, but I thought I deserved a present.

8. John sent out a mass text on New Year's Eve, I responded to it and then we started flirting via myspace and texts. Somehow, I talked him into meeting up with me in the city. He lived there, I pretended that I went there all the time. From there, we basically started dating because drunkenly I asked him if he wanted to be exclusive on our "first official date". What can I say? I'm ballsy when I have whiskey in me! Although things were far from perfect. For instance I didn't know that he was still talking to his ex-girlfriend/girlfriend (I'm not totally sure if they were broken up or not because they had this crazy long distance open relationship), and him wanting to celebrate the single life with his roommates. I could tell that he liked me and I was terrified because in under two months, I had fallen for him. But why?
He made me laugh. That may be the most cliche reason in the book but he did things just to make me laugh. He was intelligent ( I was notorious for ending up with men who weren't bright and I would just end up mocking them and just being plain old mean to them). When he was with me, the entire world just seemed to fall away and he would focus solely on me (like the days where we would spend the whole day in bed, laughing/having sex/listening to music etc)...he still does this. I was smitten with the city life, even though I'm two years older than John I felt like I was just a little kid when I went down to see him--I felt sophiticated. That doesn't have anything to do with John persay, but I'm sure that it had something to do with the early days of liking him. I just liked him. For the first time in my life I wasn't scrutinizing anything or picking him apart, saying the things I did and didn't like about him, I liked him completely. I think that was big, particularly for me.

9. But there were roadblocks in our romance. Everything seems (and is) peachy in our relationship now, but John got cold feet and broke up with me. He wanted to "date" (aka screw) a waitress. I'm not entirely sure why I didn't just throw in the towel on him and deem him an asshole...which is the way he was completely acting at the time but I really think I understood why he was doing it. I saw his fear as he was pushing me away, I saw that he was in love with me too even if he didn't know it himself (uggh, that sounds like the stuff that bad romance novels are made of)...but maybe I was just hoping, I'll never know because I decided to do something about it. I went to the city and made a stand...albeit a drunken, piss myself kind of stand, but a stand nonetheless.

10. And after that, we were engaged by the end of May and married by the end of July in Vegas. Everything has been very easy for us, we've straightened each other out, helped each other prioritize our lives. Together we are everything I thought we could be, perhaps more (again it might sound like a line or cheesy but it's the truth). To answer your question in the comments Michelle, I'm not exactly sure how I knew, but somehow there were enough clues there for me see that I wasn't giving up on him without a fight.

Hopefully this post didn't bore anyone and gave some background without having to go back and read the entire archives.

Went out Friday night with T. We started out at the FQB for the Christmas party and then made our way up to thitwbar. Guess who I saw in the flesh?? That's right...Derek. But I chose not to talk to him since he didn't send me an email or anything letting me know that he was coming into town.

I ran into Matty, did a shot with him, flirted with him as soon as I saw his whatever she is walking over towards us with a hellish look on her face and her lips screwed into a little knot. Then I watched him get bitched at by her, it was amusing but I wanted to get back to T, E and his friends. On my walk back I saw Todd, and rather than hear that he's engaged in one breath and hear how he wants to fuck me six ways to Sunday in another, I just pretended that I didn't see him. All of these "reunions" made me want to drink heavily...and so I did. And so did T.

We were both pretty drunk when we decided to invite people to come hang out in the Basement Bar at my house. Only E and his four friends, Tony, T and I went--which was good because there wasn't that much alcohol to be had. Tony poured himself a tall glass of Scotch, T had a beer and for some reason I made myself a nice big tumbler full of champagne and chambord...go figure. Anyways, two seconds later E says that he needs to talk to me upstairs and grabs my hand and takes me upstairs. He asks me, "Are you ever going to kiss me again?" and I replied, "I don't know." The next thing I knew I was making out with him like you did in high school before you've had sex...like a million hours of making out. Although, I think it was only for like 20 minutes, but still. Then later for some reason I let him share my barstool and he proceded to rub my ass (and perpetuating the stereotype). His brother and friends were falling asleep on the couch (it was 5:30am) and so E decided he had to take them home. He whispered in my ear, "I can come back" but I just shook my head no with a smile.

So now today I'm doing damage control. He sent me a text message on Saturday morning saying, "I had a really good time with you on Friday night. Kissing you is fun." I didn't respond. Now today I've been discussing the "meaning" of our makeout session on AIM with him for the past few hours. Merry Christmas everyone! I'm going to lay in the grave I dug the other night. While I attempt to sort out my feelings, I'm sure my mouth will get me in trouble more tonight...going out with T, E and a bunch of people that I haven't seen in a long time.

So. My posting. Sporadic...non-existant even. Once, I posted twice, thrice a day!! What the hell happened to me? Nothing...well nothing except a deep hatred of life without Derek in the Cornfield. Whoa, that sounded a little dramatic and after school special-ly for my liking. But, there have been no carnal tales to tell. Yes, I still have good friens to tell since August...nothing fun really to tell. ds to laugh with. But no, I'm not happy one bit.

Ok, that's a preface. It explains why I haven't been around (the real reason is the fact that I bought a mac computer and blogger and mac hate each other...and I can't post from work), it explains my mental state, and it explains my complete lack of sex. Where do we go from here? Fuck if I know.

Well. I'm not totally fair. There ARE men. We have a man I lovingly refer to as Bad Hair Bill (BHB)and boy that refer to as E. Bad Hair Bill I don't see much but apparently I made a lasting impression on him the last time he was down to visit his friend/bandmate. BHB wouldn't be bad at all but he has geography working against him as well as...bad hair. It's long, wavy and just begs to be cut!!! I was supposed to hang out with him and the rest of the guys at a party but I decided that sleep was more of a priority than going to a party and getting laid. Wait, ha ha...did you believe that??? I fell asleep on my couch from a long work week and when I woke up I didn't feel like getting ready...that's more truthful there. Then there's E.

E lives in the Cornfield. I believe E might be one of the few black gentlemen to grace our fine town. E likes my ass...it's not surprising, it's not small and he does believe in that stereotype. Fine, whatever. So anyways, E says to me, M...when you gonna give me some of that cake?" I'm at the bar so I look around and try to find the pastry that E desires...apparently...my ass has been called cake. Last night, E took advantage of the fact that I was a little drunk ( there's been some drama so Tuesday night bar night was needed!) and decided to ask me out. So...we'll see. I guess I'm going on a date with E. I'll let you know how that goes.

So fill me in, how goes it? Sorry I've been MIA...

I have a headache straight from the depths of hell...when am I going to learn to drink responsibly?? No time soon apparently. As I sit here dehydrated and in pain, and with bruises on me knees(?), I'm reviewing my evening both mentally and with my digital camera. Apparently last night at some point I decided to take pictures of every male in the bar...I have loads of smiling/waving men in these pictures that I have vague recollections of, but do not know. The nice thing about digital is that after I show my friend Cr (the soon to be sainted designated driver of the evening) I can delete them, perhaps she can shed (embarassing) light as to who these gentlemen are.
On to another subject.
Last night I saw K.. K used to be my best male friend until he started dating M. M apparently is either threatened by me or is just crazy but she never allows K and I to hang out alone. We used to go out all the time but now we are restricted to stiff conversation seated at the bar with M in between us. Don't you think that if I wanted to have sex with K I would've taken that opportunity a long time ago? In factI never even wanted to or even thought about it (in my experience I tend to at least think about the "what if we..." with my guy friends, maybe not taking it to that level but I still think about it)...not that K's not attractive, he is, but he's K. We never even pondered the idea, but apparently that's not good enough for M. M should get a grip on reality and then go ruin some other guy's life. K is like a stepford wife now, it's sad. He used to have a personality!
When Cr and I left K and M to discuss their china patterns and whatnot at the first bar, we headed to the ol' tavern that is right around the corner from my house...I have to say that I had motives involved with this trip. After text messaging D and receiving no reply and decided that I wanted to see Drk. Derek is the short order cook at the bar (Cr and Ml think that's an ex con's job, but I think he's a hottie so he can be an ex-con for all I care). Anyways about three weeks ago, Cr, Ml and I were there and the bartender was feeding us all free shots, that's when I decided to talk with Drk for the first time. I made him play pinball with me, obviously I'm still trapped in middle school courtship rituals, at the ripe old age of, well, late twenties. I love pinball, sue me!
Apparently during my pinball marathon (Cr informed me I played about a zillion games-true scientific number) with Drk, my drunken alter ego/slut invited him to come home with me, citing location as one of the bonuses of the deal! He had to do the cleaning and stuff and then he'd "try" and stop by. That Drk, trying to play it cool and smooth when he's dealing with a drunken slut, gotta love him. Let's just say that night didn't end in the way I was imagining it. Ml dropped me off and the next thing I know I wake up at 6am (which is my curse to always wake up early in the morning) sprawled on the floor next to my dog, the keys still in the door, and no Drk.
Ok...so with that background said and done, let's flash forward to last night. I haven't seen Derek since that night. Last night Drk was looking as cute as always. We talked for a couple of minutes, laughed about that night, since he did come over at 3:30 am but when he knocked he knew I was out cold! How embarassing it is to be me sometimes! I'm a great person when I'm sober, I swear. But I am just trash when drunk. So last night, I invite him over again...this time taking preparation to ensure that he could come in even in the event of a passout, this is how much I wanted sex. I put a note in the window, I left the light on/door unlocked (basically your average serial killer welcome mat) and...I wake up at 6am on the couch with the dog and no Drk! I was stood up. Fairs, fair I guess. I must take some aspirin to sooth my aching head now.