I went out to lunch today with my dear friend Cr who is pregnant and due in March (right around both of our birthdays!!). While we were happily munching on our food she filled me in on all the people who are pregnant...all I can say is that there is going to be a serious population explosion in Pennsylvania...I now have seven friends who are all pregnant and due in either March or April. Seven?!? That just seems a little unreal...

Cr and I have very different schedules and so we don't get to see each other as often as we used to. These are a few of the things that she said to me that had me giggling:

Cr:"I always wanted big boobs, but now I don't know why!?! Seriously, do your boobs get stuck under your armpit when you try to make a turn in the car?"
Me: "Umm, not so much."
Cr: "Maybe it's just 'cuz I'm not used to having boobs..."
Me: "Maybe?"

Cr:"I was thinking about if it's a boy, I'd name him Tristan...but then I realized that I can't name a baby after Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall. Seriously...I lusted after that man. I can't name my kid that!"
Me: " Yeah that doesn't sound like a good idea, unless you want to be on Maury in about 18 years."

"I wanted to name my baby Emily Rose if it's a girl."
Me: "What about that Emily Rose movie?"
Cr: " What movie's that?"
Me: "Oh...I don't know, the one where Emily Rose is possessed by the Devil."
Cr: "Huh?"
Me: "I never saw it but there's a movie called the Exorcism of Emily Rose."
Cr: "Geez..."
[pause]
Cr: " I don't care, I love the name Emily."

Cr: "They didn't bring two spoons for this brownie thing..." [waving her arm over her beloved brownie dessert]
Me: "That's ok, I didn't order it...you did. I don't really want any of it."
Cr: "Good, I didn't want to fight you for this brownie."
[after that, I kept my fingers away from the table so that they could not be gnawed upon]

Well, we all knew that it was going to come sooner or later...the single girls who used to go out on the town, get silly and drunk, meet boys, bring boys home to play, and then have laughs over brunch about it (damn, we sound like the stupid SITC ladies...we're nothing like them!! We dress well, we don't have any stupid fake accents and we don't sit around and make puns all day, I swear)...well, those girls are no more...and to be perfectly honest, I enjoy being retired more than you'd ever guess.

Cr was the first to drop. After a tumultuous relationship with her boyfriend, playing the on again/off again game they decided to stop playing games. They will be married two years, this coming September and all seems to be coming up roses for them.

Then there was me. Who would've ever thought that would happen? Well, I did as soon as I met John...but I'll save that mushy stuff for my anniversary blog. Needless to say, I'm as happy as a clam--that is, if clams get happy.

Now there's Chelle! She hemmed and hawed over this one. It's an age old story, where Chelle is Girl and her new husband is Boy. Girl meets Boy, Boy sleeps with Girl and doesn't call her for some odd reason. Girl decides, "fuck him, I'll find someone else!" and to be honest, she found a couple "elses" (not that there's anything wrong with that). Boy realizes, that he really does like Girl and pursues her like a hunter stalking his prey. Girl gets annoyed first, Girl tells Boy off and then she finally listens to what he has to say. Girl gets flattered; Girl realizes that she had just been putting up her defenses so that Boy wouldn't hurt her again. Boy and Girl date happily until one night Boy pulls out a sparkly ring and tells Girl that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. The End!

So apparently, that's how it goes here in the Cornfield...we meet the right one and we all drop like flies. Now...I'm taking applications for acceptable men for my one friend left...T. I will start the bidding at: she likes to drink, dance, tell funny stories, take stupid pictures of me (ones where I'm trying to eat her head when I'm drunk), sing loudly, laugh more than anything. Ohh and she enjoys having the best friend a person could ever have (me). Any takers?

Last night I was tired but I still wanted to go out because Cr was going to be in town and I was supposed to meet up with her at thitwbar. I decided that they only way to deal with this tiredness was to drink ice water all night. It wasn't bad...but it sure was cold. After the newlywed left the bar (Cr) to return to her hubby; T, Chelle and I decided to go to the FQB for open mic night.

We got to the FQB and our favorite bartender was working, open mic wasn't going on because someone sold the amp that was supposed to be used. As soon as we walked in it was apparent that and T's love triangle was there. Her Mr. Holiday man (as I like to refer to him because she always ends up going home with him on major holidays) however, was hanging onto a blonde mohawk chick and so T made up her mind and said, "I'm done," and under her breath I'm sure I heard her say, "For now." The other half of the love triangle was there too. This young gent happens to be Mr. Holiday's best friend ( I guess we can call him The Best Friend from now on) but he's head over heels for T. I've been telling her that she's nuts for not going after him in the first place because a) he doesn't live with his mother b) he has a real job and a degree c) he's sweet d) he's super good looking and e) if he wasn't so fucking hung up on her...I'd take a crack at him. But alas, they sealed the deal last night so he's forever lost to me. Ah well, someone needed to sleep with him because he's too cute not to be slept with!

E walked in last night and came over to our side of the bar and made some small talk with us and then went back to his perch on a barstool next to Best Friend. I had to leave the bar early because I was super tired and I thought if I drank any more water I might burst, so I waddled towards the door. As I'm walking out I see that E is on his cell phone. I get to my car and I feel my cell vibrating that I have a message. I listen to it as I warm my car and wait for the longest train of all time to go by (the FQB is on the right side of the tracks by the way) and it's E. I can't believe it. He called to wish me a good night because I shaded out so quickly. If he calls me when I leave the bar after I kiss him, what would he have done had I slept with him?? Probably flowers delivered to the bar...ha ha.

Oh and Chelle slept with Co-worker again yesterday so everyone got ass but me...although I'm relieved because I fear that E might boil my bunny if I ever know him biblically. A trip out of the Cornfield is seriously needed which is why...I'm heading out to Harrisburg tomorrow to visit with two of my roommates from college. We're getting older but I'm sure we'll be able to tear it up as usual, and we haven't seen each other in almost a year so it's a long time coming!

I have a headache straight from the depths of hell...when am I going to learn to drink responsibly?? No time soon apparently. As I sit here dehydrated and in pain, and with bruises on me knees(?), I'm reviewing my evening both mentally and with my digital camera. Apparently last night at some point I decided to take pictures of every male in the bar...I have loads of smiling/waving men in these pictures that I have vague recollections of, but do not know. The nice thing about digital is that after I show my friend Cr (the soon to be sainted designated driver of the evening) I can delete them, perhaps she can shed (embarassing) light as to who these gentlemen are.
On to another subject.
Last night I saw K.. K used to be my best male friend until he started dating M. M apparently is either threatened by me or is just crazy but she never allows K and I to hang out alone. We used to go out all the time but now we are restricted to stiff conversation seated at the bar with M in between us. Don't you think that if I wanted to have sex with K I would've taken that opportunity a long time ago? In factI never even wanted to or even thought about it (in my experience I tend to at least think about the "what if we..." with my guy friends, maybe not taking it to that level but I still think about it)...not that K's not attractive, he is, but he's K. We never even pondered the idea, but apparently that's not good enough for M. M should get a grip on reality and then go ruin some other guy's life. K is like a stepford wife now, it's sad. He used to have a personality!
When Cr and I left K and M to discuss their china patterns and whatnot at the first bar, we headed to the ol' tavern that is right around the corner from my house...I have to say that I had motives involved with this trip. After text messaging D and receiving no reply and decided that I wanted to see Drk. Derek is the short order cook at the bar (Cr and Ml think that's an ex con's job, but I think he's a hottie so he can be an ex-con for all I care). Anyways about three weeks ago, Cr, Ml and I were there and the bartender was feeding us all free shots, that's when I decided to talk with Drk for the first time. I made him play pinball with me, obviously I'm still trapped in middle school courtship rituals, at the ripe old age of, well, late twenties. I love pinball, sue me!
Apparently during my pinball marathon (Cr informed me I played about a zillion games-true scientific number) with Drk, my drunken alter ego/slut invited him to come home with me, citing location as one of the bonuses of the deal! He had to do the cleaning and stuff and then he'd "try" and stop by. That Drk, trying to play it cool and smooth when he's dealing with a drunken slut, gotta love him. Let's just say that night didn't end in the way I was imagining it. Ml dropped me off and the next thing I know I wake up at 6am (which is my curse to always wake up early in the morning) sprawled on the floor next to my dog, the keys still in the door, and no Drk.
Ok...so with that background said and done, let's flash forward to last night. I haven't seen Derek since that night. Last night Drk was looking as cute as always. We talked for a couple of minutes, laughed about that night, since he did come over at 3:30 am but when he knocked he knew I was out cold! How embarassing it is to be me sometimes! I'm a great person when I'm sober, I swear. But I am just trash when drunk. So last night, I invite him over again...this time taking preparation to ensure that he could come in even in the event of a passout, this is how much I wanted sex. I put a note in the window, I left the light on/door unlocked (basically your average serial killer welcome mat) and...I wake up at 6am on the couch with the dog and no Drk! I was stood up. Fairs, fair I guess. I must take some aspirin to sooth my aching head now.

Well Thursday night I went out with my friend Cr., she finally took a night off from her boyfriend which was nice; we decided to check out our old favorite watering hole...trouble ensued. We managed to get good and drunk(which I don't recall planning to do), we talked to everyone that we had formerly had a relationship..ahem...slept with more than once, talk to a few nice new available men, and Cr. talked to the guy that she slept with before she got back together with her boyfriend. This is not a crime right? Wrong. This guy C. is a good friend of Cr.'s boyfriend...and from the way they were looking at each other and talking with one another, it doesn't appear that it is truly over. At least for that night it was just verbal foreplay...but knowing Cr as I do, I doubt that will be it.
So Cr.'s run in was not the trouble I was speaking of. It was my own run in that was my downfall. On the way out the door, I stopped by this very attractive gent and asked him, "Why has the hottest guy in the bar, hanging out by the door?"...someday I'll be killed by a serial killer because Cr and I invited him to follow us back to my place. I entertained him for a little while with slurred conversation (I certainly wasn't in any shape for any of this...) and the Cr decided to leave. This is where it all gets a little hazy, and a little sweaty too. I remember making out with D. on the couch in the basement and then the next thing you know my cute little cotton polka dotted bra is on the floor and I'm having sex in my bedroom. Not exactly sure how I made it from the basement couch/floor to the third floor...but I did, and obviously not alone. I certainly hadn't planned that, especially since the cotton bra is not usually part of my seduction, nor is the fact that I hadn't shaved my legs! Remember I was planning on having a girl's night out! I'll spare you the details unless of course...you post me a question about it...I love a voyeur.
Well...lo and behold I wake up and Prince Charming D has left...I can't recall if I saw him out the night before or not. But PC D left his ID beside my bed. So he calls. I call him back and leave him a nice little message stating that, "Hasn't your mother ever told you that you shouldn't leave things at a one night stand's home?" He calls me back and tells me he'll call later to pick it up and la-di-da...he calls and leaves me a message that he's going back to the fateful bar that brought us together. Even more fun, he calls at 1:45 while I was sleeping...whatever could he have wanted??? I wonder if he'll call me again? Should I be the one to call him? He didn't leave a message with the 1:45 call...Can he just get a new id? Am I evil? Oh and did I mention that I'm having my first date with F. tomorrow...