This is blog of a woman who didn't know what she wanted and so chased after dreams and men in search of the answers...drunken hilarity ensued. Then one day she met a man who was everything she wanted, but he wasn't so sure. Then she did the unthinkable; after they broke up she gave him this blog address and she let him into her mind as well as her heart. Unbelievably, even after sorting through the sordid archives of failed relationships, one night stands and her lusty (and embarassing) pursuit to secure the heart of a certain young line cook, John somehow managed to fall in love with her too. Melina and John were married a little over six months after they started dating, running away to Las Vegas to seal the deal. You can imagine what the over/under bet was to see if they'd even make it a year!! Over a year later and they are still going strong...this blog has become their story. Need to tell me something? Email me at Melinalovesjohnny at gmail dot com
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Friday, April 14, 2006
Need a demolisionist? Cuz, I can blow shit up...
For a month now John's been painted as the "bad guy"(even though he did nothing more than breakup with he said this morning, "Why aren't I allowed to decide to not see someone?" and he's dead on right. He is allowed...and I'm pretty sorry for being a baby and a drama queen about things). And for that I apologize with all my mantra today has been, "I'm so fucking sorry." Well,last night it was my turn to fuck shit up--and man did I do a fucking bang up job of it.

I emailed him yesterday asking him what his plans were for the evening since I knew we both had off today and I wanted to go down to the city. He said I could come down and go out with him and Roommate 1. He sends me a caveat message though saying, "The girl will probably stay over" and I was fine with that. I was going to have to meet her sooner or later and I didn't want him feeling like he was sneaking around hanging out with me. I was going to be a sport, get the friends thing intentions man, best intentions. Now most of the story I can't tell because I blacked out around 9 and I was passed out in John's bed by 10. Yeah, it's that kind of a story.

I get there and they're waiting for me outside and he tells me that we're going to get free I agree, and he tries to tell me that the reason why we're going to get free drinks is...and I interrupted him and said, "Yeah, I get it...we're going to where Jenn works" and I took a big breath and felt like I could man up for this. Roommate 1 told me today that he only came along to watch the awkwardness and the drama unfold...(real fucking nice huh? ha ha).

We get to the place and it's super nice--fancy and it smelled of rich mohagony...ok, maybe it didn't, but it was really nice. Jenn reserved us a table outside so we could drink and people watch. Somehow, we managed to put away eight bottles of wine worth $600 between the three of us in two hours or less...and in that time, I managed to piss John off and piss myself. Yes, that's right folks you heard it here...I was so drunk that I actually pissed myself at my seat! (hanging head in shame and mortification) Whatever I was doing, John was sick of it so he took me over to the park across the street and gave me a talking to. I don't know what was said but I remember crying a lot...seems like a common theme, no? Fucking baby. I'm owning this now, John has nothing to do with the way I've been acting.

So anyways, he takes me home only after I fell in the street and puts me to bed, I guess...maybe I just seized it without asking...that would seem to be my M.O. I woke up this morning and started to go downstairs to talk to him and apologize but I didn't see that Jenn was still on the couch. I basically muttered, "I'm so fucking sorry" and before I saw Jenn I said, "Can you come up here and talk with me" but he told me to get a glass of water and go back to bed or something. When I woke up again, he was gone. He was walking Jenn to work...after a night of no sleep between them. Roommates 1 and 2 invited me to brunch so I went, as I was still in no shape to be driving anywhere...especially the trek back from the city.

At breakfast the boys had a little heart to heart with me about John. They told me that they worry about him and how he's revelling in "breaking up with his life", hanging out with someone who's crazy (their words, not mine), and making choices that seem counterproductive to a successful life. For instance, Roommate 2 said, "You were good for him, so he threw you away. He's always making outrageous decisions" (something to that effect, I know I misquoted that a little). And this I found funny because the boys (John and Roommate 1) are constantly taking care of Roommate 2 when he's out getting as bombed as I was last night, and pulling knives on, he's pretty much an outrageous decision maker himself. To an extent I agreed with them but I also interjected the fact that he has to do what makes him happy. And that's what he was trying to get at this afternoon when he and I were talking...not being with me wasn't a dick move on his part...he didn't want to be serious and it definitely took a turn toward Seriousville. In hindsight, had I known that it wasn't meant to be a serious thing, I would've taken a whole different approach to the deal...but eh, what can you do right?

And now for the best part. I was sitting in his room talking to him and I tell him, "I'm late." So yeah folks I'm about a week late...and that was a fucking bang up conversation that we had there too, but I'll leave that one to your imaginations. I left a little after Jenn came back this afternoon and I'm sure she was wondering what the hell I was still doing there...I mean I definitely overstayed my welcome, but for reasons that I can't disclose, I was unable to leave and John was really, really cool and understanding about it. I know that he just wanted me out of his house and his hair, but he was absolutely awesome about it.

So the crux of the story is, as I was muttering "Sorry" all day and looking like I killed the Easter Bunny --John told me that because of how I acted last night, I did some damage to our potential friendship and that we should probably just stick to email for a while. Which sucks because I really felt like I turned the feelings off (seriously, I'm not even playing around. last night when I got there, I didn't get those feelings of "Aww, I just love that kid." It was more like, "There's John and Roommate 1" and that he and I were on the (long) road towards a really great kind of seems like those plans are on hold and I'm sure that Jenn really hates me for being such an asshole at her place of employment. Or just hates me because I'm an asshole in general. In fact, she told John that it would probably a good idea if he didn't go there for a few months. We're definitely a classy bunch, I'll give us that. So, since we're back to just email I'm guessing that we won't be going to the Strokes show together next weekend, which sucks because I was looking forward to going with him..and I'm sure that Jenn wouldn't be too happy about it anyways, what without a chaperone. Even though I swear I wouldn't even think of touching him, I may have wanted him for myself but I wouldn't do that to him (or her) for that matter.
So I blew the shit out of the water last night. I'm not happy with myself, I envisioned us being able to hang out all the time...I mean, I haven't gone a week in four months without seeing him at least one night and now I'm kind of exiled. But I understand it all now, and I see how difficult I've been making things and I'm really sorry. Really, really sorry.

So John, rather than emailing it to you...this is my apology, for everything--how I've been behaving, how I behaved last night and how I've been beating you up emotionally. I've been so unfair to you. I never expected things to ever be this way and I never expected to be this person that I'm being.
posted by Melina at 5:04 PM