60% of the time, it works every time. That doesn't make any sense.
Alright this post has to be done in list format because my brain is doing a deadly dance behind my skull...all because of the night I had last night. First of all, I think we broke ourselves. T said, "we hurt ourselves real bad and that calls for Chinese"...but then she collapsed in a heap on the deck and I haven't seen her since.
So here are the highlights of the night. I attempted to go out with a vengence. I dressed up, showed off the rack (something I don't often do), put my hair in pigtails and spent some serious time on the makeup. Someone was going to get lucky and they didn't even know it!! But as it turns out, all the takers...I was so not interested. Instead I proceeded to get as drunk as humanly possible and still live...all the while, taking notes about the evening so that I'd have information to write to you, my dear sweet friends. Half the fun of this post is trying to decipher what the fuck I wrote down. Here goes:
1. It has come to my attention that I hate Linkin Park with all my being...someone decided to play a little marathon of the angsty band...it was great, my ears started to bleed and I turned into the Hulk...because I hate them, that much.
2. We saw the Emaciated Version of T (this girl who's really really skinny and dated Tony). I think she looks a little like a cute version of ET. E says that she looks like Mr. Burns from the episode of the Simpsons where everyone thought there was an alien in the woods but it was just Mr. Burns...glowing and saying, "I bring you love."
3. There was an unfortunate sighting for E...the woman he took home once that he named the Screamer. Screamer would be a good term, but E thought he might've dislodged her vagina or something by the way that this woman was carrying on. Oh and by the way, the Screamer had the longest hair and the most busted face ever.
4. Richard was at the bar. Richard is a local. Richard has the longest hair ever...like Crystal Gale long. He pulls it back into a ponytail and wears a leather jacket at all times (except when he's wearing a Freddie Krueger like sweater), when he started talking to the Screamer, there was way too much hair in the conversation and I couldn't help but picturing them in bed...and then I almost threw up. Or as E just put it they were, "twisting around pationately like cousin it and a carpet making out" or like "two of Chewbacca's runt cousins kissing"
5. One of the best lines that came out of E's mouth was, "I'd knock her off like a liquor store..." For some reason, I really like that line.
6. T stated that we need to "rock the school girl look every day this year" because we're going to be 30 next year...as if we're going to really stop next year.
7. Steve the bartender who flagged me on Saturday said to me, "It was nice to see you the drunk one and not John...do you guys plan out who's going to be the zombie for the night? It's pretty cute of you two, only one of you gets zombiefied at a time..." I didn't bother to clear anything up.
8. I went to the bathroom and I ran into the Paulrus's (fat man named Paul who's super Catholic, super annoying and highly judgemental--oh and he looks like a walrus) brother's girlfriend. I've met this girl once I think...and I think it was on Thanksgiving Eve (the same night I met John). So I was surprised when I ran into this girl in the bathroom and she says, "John, right?" and I said, "No, my name's Melina" knowing exactly where this convo was going. She giggles and says, "No silly, you're with John _____!" and I said, "No silly, I'm not. He dumped me like a bad habit." And then laughing at my gayass line, I went into the stall and peed. I still think she thinks I was kidding because she was still laughing and saying, "you're so funny" when I was washing my hands.
9. T and I spoke about how we have a new bunch of phrases due to our time/ exposure to all things good about John...and how we gave him a few lines too. For example, we gave him, "You win!" and "for fuck's sake"...he gave us, "I hate this conversation" (actually that's from his roommate), all the Anchorman and Old School quotes that you could possibly handle...and...I'm drawing a blank now, we came up with a lot of things last night but...um...I can't read my writing. well anyways, he gave us our new tone that talk in...and I am constantly doing his little Jaguar impression without realizing what I'm doing...it makes me laugh.
10. I visited my mom at work yesterday, and she handed me a check. She said, "Here's a little cash...I want you to go out and get drunk. I hate seeing you so sad. You and the girls and E go out on me." When I told T this, she said..."Who is this woman and where did your mom go?"
11. Karaoke begins at thitwbar tonight. Our favorite bartender Chris kept saying to us, "Save that for tomorrow!" because we always sing at the top of our lungs at the bar ( you know Skid Row's 18 and Life and The Ace of Spades are really meant to be sung/screamed). We both shook our heads and said, "Nah, we won't be singing karaoke." I don't think he believed us. Seriously, I've done karaoke twice. Once, I was laying on the stage singing on my back and the second time, I was graduating from college...believe me, I have many good qualities, my singing voice is not one of them.
12. When E brought us home last night, T and I cracked into another beer each(because you know we needed it) and we had a little heart to heart over this blog. I read her a post (I have no idea which one) and we just curled into a little ball and cried. Oh did the beer tears flow. It's funny now only because, we basically had a heart to heart about every man that's ever graced our lives...Today, we're laying on the couches dying and we're still laughing at our stupidity.
13. So I was talking to T, E and Chelle about my delving into the "men seeking women" section of Craigslist and how everyone lists how cultured they are, well educated, how much they love the theatre...My hobbies? Smoking, drinking and fucking...E said, "Well would you answer an ad that said that?" And of course I said no...so I've decided I'm going to aim high and look for a garbage man. They seem simple, they aren't trying to find themselves, and their inner dialogue seems like something I can follow. Oh T just informed me that my future boyfriend should be called a Garbologist rather than a garbage man...I'll go with that.
There's plenty more but I'm going to take a small break and rest. So I didn't go all out and fuck for freedom, but I still had a good time.
So here are the highlights of the night. I attempted to go out with a vengence. I dressed up, showed off the rack (something I don't often do), put my hair in pigtails and spent some serious time on the makeup. Someone was going to get lucky and they didn't even know it!! But as it turns out, all the takers...I was so not interested. Instead I proceeded to get as drunk as humanly possible and still live...all the while, taking notes about the evening so that I'd have information to write to you, my dear sweet friends. Half the fun of this post is trying to decipher what the fuck I wrote down. Here goes:
1. It has come to my attention that I hate Linkin Park with all my being...someone decided to play a little marathon of the angsty band...it was great, my ears started to bleed and I turned into the Hulk...because I hate them, that much.
2. We saw the Emaciated Version of T (this girl who's really really skinny and dated Tony). I think she looks a little like a cute version of ET. E says that she looks like Mr. Burns from the episode of the Simpsons where everyone thought there was an alien in the woods but it was just Mr. Burns...glowing and saying, "I bring you love."
3. There was an unfortunate sighting for E...the woman he took home once that he named the Screamer. Screamer would be a good term, but E thought he might've dislodged her vagina or something by the way that this woman was carrying on. Oh and by the way, the Screamer had the longest hair and the most busted face ever.
4. Richard was at the bar. Richard is a local. Richard has the longest hair ever...like Crystal Gale long. He pulls it back into a ponytail and wears a leather jacket at all times (except when he's wearing a Freddie Krueger like sweater), when he started talking to the Screamer, there was way too much hair in the conversation and I couldn't help but picturing them in bed...and then I almost threw up. Or as E just put it they were, "twisting around pationately like cousin it and a carpet making out" or like "two of Chewbacca's runt cousins kissing"
5. One of the best lines that came out of E's mouth was, "I'd knock her off like a liquor store..." For some reason, I really like that line.
6. T stated that we need to "rock the school girl look every day this year" because we're going to be 30 next year...as if we're going to really stop next year.
7. Steve the bartender who flagged me on Saturday said to me, "It was nice to see you the drunk one and not John...do you guys plan out who's going to be the zombie for the night? It's pretty cute of you two, only one of you gets zombiefied at a time..." I didn't bother to clear anything up.
8. I went to the bathroom and I ran into the Paulrus's (fat man named Paul who's super Catholic, super annoying and highly judgemental--oh and he looks like a walrus) brother's girlfriend. I've met this girl once I think...and I think it was on Thanksgiving Eve (the same night I met John). So I was surprised when I ran into this girl in the bathroom and she says, "John, right?" and I said, "No, my name's Melina" knowing exactly where this convo was going. She giggles and says, "No silly, you're with John _____!" and I said, "No silly, I'm not. He dumped me like a bad habit." And then laughing at my gayass line, I went into the stall and peed. I still think she thinks I was kidding because she was still laughing and saying, "you're so funny" when I was washing my hands.
9. T and I spoke about how we have a new bunch of phrases due to our time/ exposure to all things good about John...and how we gave him a few lines too. For example, we gave him, "You win!" and "for fuck's sake"...he gave us, "I hate this conversation" (actually that's from his roommate), all the Anchorman and Old School quotes that you could possibly handle...and...I'm drawing a blank now, we came up with a lot of things last night but...um...I can't read my writing. well anyways, he gave us our new tone that talk in...and I am constantly doing his little Jaguar impression without realizing what I'm doing...it makes me laugh.
10. I visited my mom at work yesterday, and she handed me a check. She said, "Here's a little cash...I want you to go out and get drunk. I hate seeing you so sad. You and the girls and E go out on me." When I told T this, she said..."Who is this woman and where did your mom go?"
11. Karaoke begins at thitwbar tonight. Our favorite bartender Chris kept saying to us, "Save that for tomorrow!" because we always sing at the top of our lungs at the bar ( you know Skid Row's 18 and Life and The Ace of Spades are really meant to be sung/screamed). We both shook our heads and said, "Nah, we won't be singing karaoke." I don't think he believed us. Seriously, I've done karaoke twice. Once, I was laying on the stage singing on my back and the second time, I was graduating from college...believe me, I have many good qualities, my singing voice is not one of them.
12. When E brought us home last night, T and I cracked into another beer each(because you know we needed it) and we had a little heart to heart over this blog. I read her a post (I have no idea which one) and we just curled into a little ball and cried. Oh did the beer tears flow. It's funny now only because, we basically had a heart to heart about every man that's ever graced our lives...Today, we're laying on the couches dying and we're still laughing at our stupidity.
13. So I was talking to T, E and Chelle about my delving into the "men seeking women" section of Craigslist and how everyone lists how cultured they are, well educated, how much they love the theatre...My hobbies? Smoking, drinking and fucking...E said, "Well would you answer an ad that said that?" And of course I said no...so I've decided I'm going to aim high and look for a garbage man. They seem simple, they aren't trying to find themselves, and their inner dialogue seems like something I can follow. Oh T just informed me that my future boyfriend should be called a Garbologist rather than a garbage man...I'll go with that.
There's plenty more but I'm going to take a small break and rest. So I didn't go all out and fuck for freedom, but I still had a good time.
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