So and Johnny and I were talking on email on Friday and he didn't have plans so he decided to come hang out with me and the ladies for drinks, laughs and fun times. He had a caveat in his email though, "No raping me, ok?" And so I moped a little. Not because of the no sex thing, I mean, yeah I wanted it but because we really were moving along towards the friend track. Don't get me wrong, I want John in my life...but as a friend? It's a difficult adjustment. Most likely because I didn't want to make it.

We kind of failed miserably on the no sex thing...Saturday morning we kind of just gave in to that. I'm not going to lie, I love having sex with John...it's definitely something I'm going to miss. And here's why. He slept with someone else. He moved on while I sat here and wishing he was with me making me laugh, kissing me, singing songs with me and he's off doing that with some other girl. It's frustrating. It's a little heartbreaking and it's definitely not fair--in my eyes. I hate not "winning". I hate not being wanted by him. I hate the "not good enough" feeling...and yeah, everyone will say, "No, you got it all wrong, he wasn't good enough for you." But in fact, he was good enough for me...he was perfect for me...he was everything that I wanted all packaged in one flawed and adorable man. And believe me, I have no idea why. Why I decided to open up my heart after all this time? No clue.

Today when we were laying in bed he said to me, "You're going to make it so that we can't hang out..." because I was trying to make him blow the whore off, I mean girl. I'm sure she's really lovely ( I want to stick a lit cigarette in her eye). It's a weird adjustment. When I see him, it's not all about sex...it's about all the good times I have with him, and when we hang out I really do feel like the rest of the world could fall away and I could just lay on the couch laughing with him for days. He's like my concetrated happiness...and he can't be...he doesn't want to be. It's hard to turn off the whole, "I love you" thing. Is it actually possible? To make feelings that you have for someone just go away? I mean, and I said this to him, yeah I defintely did love him but it wasn't him that I was in love with...it was the construct of John that he made for me. And even knowing that, it's hard to be told that I just have to turn that off. With him, I would take anything that he gave to me...any situation. Hang out on weekends and have sex? Sure, fine. Marry him and fix him? Sure, anything you say John (although he definitely did NOT say that one!). Anything you say. It freaks me out a little that I feel that way, the idea that I seriously would just take anything that he would give me. That's sheer desperation or something there. And that's not totally me. I'm not an ugly girl, I'm not a stupid girl, I've never been a deperate girl before. Why now? Why him? It's not attractive or enticing and yet...I have to fight my every urge to hang on to him. And obviously, I wasn't fighting those urges today.

We talked about that too. What's so special about him that makes me want to give him everything? We didn't really have an answer for that. I guess for me, being with him, spending time with him it makes my days a little brighter, a little happier, a little easier to deal with. He cuts the monotony out of everything. And so we're friends now, and I will take that, as I would take anything that John would give me. I don't mean that in a negative way either...he's trying hard to be a stand up guy (slightly after the fact), he doesn't want to "use" me or confuse me and he's being completely straight up with me...but it doesn't change the fact that I want him. I want his heart. I want his mind. I want him. I want to go to sleep at night next to him and wake up in the morning in his arms. And he? He doesn't want a serious relationship...of course my answer to that is, "Fine, date me unseriously then." Obviously that didn't work either. But I had to try. Or maybe I didn't...but I did it anyway.

Obviously, I won't be able to hang out with him when he's hanging out with this new girl (I mean I don't envision the three of us all hanging out and going to the bars or anything like that) but I think with a little effort and restraint on my part we'll be ok. I just have to push those thoughts of, "Maybe he'll change his mind?" way back in my head...actually, out of my head altogether. It's done, and done is done. He's a person I want in my life and to do that, it's time to get him out of my heart, a place where didn't want to be in the first place. I'll be ok. It's time to be a grown up and stop having emotional temper trantrums because things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to. Yeah, you like who you like, but you can't make them like you back right? Lesson learned.

Friends. We can do that.