This is just a random thought I had while soaping up in the shower a few minutes ago, besides the thought of, "Good God woman, throw out all those old razors!" Because seriously, there's about 19 of them littering the sides of the shower...

So while putting some shampoo in my hair I got to thinking about John. He breaks up with me to chase after Rachel (the first time...) although I didn't know that at the time. He gets back with me and he breaks up with his band. I try the absolute no pressure approach, the "I just want to enjoy the time I get to spend with you" and he breaks up (well I guess we never officially got back together...so errr...he cuts me off I suppose would be a better term) with me again. Now he "breaks up" with school, and his dad/son annual retreat. I'm not passing judgement on any of these things except breaking up with me...everything else, I can see how it just wasn't right. Me? He'll never be able to explain that one to me...I don't care what he says. See? One of my best qualities right there...stubborn defiance. But that wasn't what I was thinking about...

I was thinking about how he seems to be a soul adrift at sea. No matter how many people try to throw him a lifesaver and pull him back to safety, he seems to find some kind of comfort being tossed about in chaos and turbulence. He shys away from safer moorings and struggles to swim toward distant shores that seem the most menacing, and the most troublesome. And yet, when I talk with him...it seems like he just wants someone to catch him and save him from himself. Someone to hold onto him while he tries to self-destruct. He's another one who seems to raze everything to the ground and try to rebuild out of the ashes (like I posted about myself below a couple of days ago). Knowing that I'm not the girl that he's going to allow to do that; to grab him and hold him tight to me and keep him safe makes a part of me hurt. Not a stinging pain of rejection, but a hollow and deep one that I can't quite label. It's not totally about my heart and wanting to be with him (although there is a part of me that I'm fighting fiercely to force myself to just let go, I mean you can't hold onto someone who never let you really in, in the first place...), it's about seeing someone so exceptional who just cannot see that in himself. I want to be a mirror sometimes and cast for him his true reflection and not the one that he sees, because he only sees the flaws and what needs to be fixed. I see his potential, the perfect elements of himself that he hides. But then again, that's what I do. I see potential in everything. While he lets other people down, it's himself whom he can't stop letting down and I know that it is wearing on him.

Surfing is one of his outlets and I can see why. It's really an extention of himself. There, he's surrounded by everything that he can't control. The waves will come how they will come, no matter what he does about it. He's there only to find those few moments where he's perfectly balanced, perfectly connected to everything, and he doesn't have to fight anything. He just has to go with it.

Be safe. Don't fight yourself, find your wave. The struggle isn't the point, it isn't noble...the balance is.