This is blog of a woman who didn't know what she wanted and so chased after dreams and men in search of the answers...drunken hilarity ensued. Then one day she met a man who was everything she wanted, but he wasn't so sure. Then she did the unthinkable; after they broke up she gave him this blog address and she let him into her mind as well as her heart. Unbelievably, even after sorting through the sordid archives of failed relationships, one night stands and her lusty (and embarassing) pursuit to secure the heart of a certain young line cook, John somehow managed to fall in love with her too. Melina and John were married a little over six months after they started dating, running away to Las Vegas to seal the deal. You can imagine what the over/under bet was to see if they'd even make it a year!! Over a year later and they are still going strong...this blog has become their story. Need to tell me something? Email me at Melinalovesjohnny at gmail dot com
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Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Get on the bus, er wagon...
So it was briefly mentioned yesterday, but John has this thing called the "Life Wagon"...well actually, he said, "I need to get on the wagon...but not the drinking one..." and being the annoying wordsmith that I am, I suggested, "The Life Wagon?" and thus, the Life Wagon came into existence. It had always existed, it just hadn't been named properly.

How many of us fear that we're not living up to our potential? And what, praytell, is our actual potential? We all have these pictures, ideas and timelines for events that should occur in our lives to make them "perfect"...I mean, I always thought that I would at least have someone who wanted to spend his life with me by now--I've never really narrowed down the marriage timeline so I'm not bothered by that (as much), but the lack of a man who understands me and looks forward to see my quirks and personality grow and unfold, does. By systematically dating half of Eastern Pennsylvania I was sure that I narrowed the candidates and felt as though I interviewed them accordingly. Obviously, it hasn't worked out that way. Work-wise I'm very happy...although there are some tense moments right now, and the Life Wagon is not happy with me. My job is fantastic and I can't picture myself having done anything else...well except maybe be a professional Relaxer, I'd be a killer Pro Relaxer. But things are different with John...

He's discontent. His work, is work...I'm not sure how fulfilling it is for him (although, I'd take his paycheck over mine!), he's bored, he's unchallenged (it seems...I'm not totally sure how much of this is true) and I think he's becoming a little resentful of work. Part of him feels like he would've been hitched by now...perhaps there should even be a little John creeping around on the floor with a pacifier in his mouth (and no...not the Little John that hangs with Usher and yells, "Ooookkkkk"). How would that have changed any of us? Would we be more mature had we gone the kid route earlier? Or would we be selfish immature parents who would probably ignore the kid and still be "trying to get our lives on track"? And what constitutes "on track?" Why do we feel derailed, or at least stalled so often?

The "Life Wagon" waits patiently for us...and others to get on it. We are supposed to be professionals. We're supposed to be putting work/master's degrees and all those things that are supposed to be bettering us, first. The trouble with that is, it's no fun. Both of us are like the kid with a cold who's not allowed to go outside and play in the snow. We sit there resentful, noses pressed against the glass watching everyone sledding and building snowmen...But rather than be wistful of playing in snow, we watch as everyone goes carousing on the streets...staying out until all hours of the morning, hanging out with all kinds of interesting people, creating memories, and becoming legends. While all this is happening, who wouldn't want to be strong and say, " guys have a good time...I think I'm going to stay in and read this very dry text book because it's what I need to do." It kind of leaves a bit of a dry feeling in your mouth doesn't it? When I say statements like this, I look like I'm chewing on cotton. It's not as hot as you might think.

We look at the "Life Wagon" parked outside on the street,(it's about as cool as a station wagon or a mini van) and we think to ourselves, "If I sneak out the back door, the Life Wagon will never know." And so we continously run covert operations to slowly sabotage our lives. We become resentful of the Life Wagon and rebel against it. And when we rebel against it, we seems to fall further away from our goals, which then causes us to claw our way back up to where we last were...and thus a vicious cycle is born--life. fix it. resent it. try to make it better. resent it. screw stuff up. resent that. fix it. resent that.

Does anyone else feel this way? Or is it just us?
posted by Melina at 7:54 AM