I'm trying so hard--to not be jealous...but it's an emotion that is seriously driving my life right now. Whoa! Watch out! I feel like I'm just on a constant jealousy rampage for the past few days and my eyes are narrowed into little jealous slits.

I see Her cute flirty comments on John's page about a roommate wanting a couch cleaned and I think about all the time we spent on the couch...and I'm jealous. Well I alternate between that and wanting to punch her in her face. But I suppose it's better than wanting to cry all the time...it's an improvement no? Eh, I don't know.

I hang out with Chelle and her boyfriend, and while they are trying to make me feel better and keep me from thinking about things in my effort to not mope and to transition back to normal as simply and effortlessly as John did. While they're talking to me and entertaining me I'm totally jealous of the flirty banter between them and the little hand squeezes under the table. Even right next to them at the bar, I feel like I'm alone.

I see T with the guy that she hangs out with and I'm jealous, jealous that she was able to say, "I don't want you to be my boyfriend" but they still go out all the time, and go away all the time together and aside from the status...they are together and it seems to work for them.

I talk to my mom on the phone and while she's talking to me, her boyfriend is cooking her favorite meal for her and planting kisses on her cheek and all I want to do is hang up on her.

I talk to all of them and I try not to feel so evil...I mean, while I'm talking to any of them--I'm actually pissed off. Not pissed off at them, but at myself because I can't control my goddamn emotions (although it doesn't help that I'm PMSing). Pissed off and having a pity party for myself, constantly asking myself, "Why the fuck doesn't anything ever work out for me?"

Last night I went out for a little and across from me was a guy who was saying everything that my black heart was thinking. I think his girlfriend broke up with him, so the bitterness flowed from his drunken mouth and I kept thinking, so this is what happens when I get beyond the jealousy? Let's hope not.

Ah the Shins...they say it better than me sometimes...
New Slang
Gold teeth and a curse for this town were all in my mouth.
Only, I don't know how they got out, dear.
Turn me back into the pet that I was when we met.
I was happier then with no mind-set.

And if you'd 'a took to me like A gull takes to the wind.
Well, I'd 'a jumped from my tree
And I'd a danced like the king of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

New slang when you notice the stripes, the dirt in your fries.
Hope it's right when you die, old and bony.
Dawn breaks like a bull through the hall,
Never should have called
But my head's to the wall and I'm lonely.

And if you'd 'a took to me like
A gull takes to the wind.
Well, I'd 'a jumped from my tree
And I'd a danced like the king of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

God speed all the bakers at dawn may they all cut their thumbs,
And bleed into their buns 'till they melt away.
I'm looking in on the good life I might be doomed never to find.
Without a trust or flaming fields am I too dumb to refine?

And if you'd 'a took to me like
Well I'd a danced like the queen of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.