So crazy, it just might work...
I said might.
After Baby Scare 2006...that turned in No Baby Disappointment 2006, John and I really started talking in very guarded and coded ways. "Is it crazy?..." and then one of us would trail off. I would say, "I think you should try and knock me up next month..." and then end it with a haha. It took a little alcohol on both of our parts to say, "You know what? I think I want this...and I think I want it with you" but it was said.
Last night he sent me a few text messages while he was out:
"Do you think it's crazy to wanna try again?"
"You know how I feel about it John."
"Last night I laid on the couch dreaming of having my baby girl lying on my belly."
" Aww...that's probably the sweetest thing I've ever heard. I think I want to get magnolia blossoms tattooed on my shoulder and back...regardless...I think they would be a nice addition to the lilies."
"Funny thing? I told Roommate 2 that I was going to get them across my chest about 45 mins ago."
"So does Roommate 2 think we're crazy?"
" The funny thing is...I can't find a single person who thinks it's a bad idea and I know I couldn't pick a better mom."
" And I think that you'd make a wonderful dad. "
These are the somewhat definites (hello oxymoron, my old friend...)...we think we want to start a family together, we want stability for us and our potential baby, we want to be able to say, "We raised that extrodinary individual." I know that I'm looking forward to the day that my heart swells so much that it hurts just by looking at my girl (or boy...but damn, I want a girl), and I think that John feels the same way. I want to witness first breaths, first laughs, first words, first kisses, first signs of rebellion. I want someone to call me Mama and tug on the bottom of my shirt. I want to see someone to be sitting comfortably perched on top of John's shoulders, legs wrapped around his head and firmly secured with his hands.
I said this before: we have the intelligence, we have the careers (mine wonderfully flexible for motherhood), we have the house (temporary domicile at this point), and we have great hearts. we have to think about the commitment.
These are the indefinites...reality is daunting. Will he relocate for the "forever and a day" commute? Will I sell my house and meet him halfway? Will we halfway into this project say, "No, I'm sorry...I don't want to be an adult anymore!" and both turn tail? Although, I thought about it and I'd be ok on my own if that should happen... Will this insane idea work? Could it? Why do we both think we want this so much (seemingly out of the blue, triggered by an accident that turned out not to even be an accident)...but with so much hesitation? And if we didn't hesistate, if we just went with it, would it be better? To just go with the initial gut feelings and not the ones that say, "Are you fucking crazy?" We both freak out and waver between "Wow, am I really having this conversation?" and "This would be cool...I think." I see it in our emails back and forth (sorry, totally kept you from working today), although I think John thinks I'm totally calm about the whole thing...I'm not, I'm just keeping an open mind about it all.
There are so many questions left unanswered at this point...but the point is, we're trying to cover the tough questions and be honest about them. If it happens, it happens...but right now I'm just happy to hang out with him and see where we want to go with it. If nothing else, we always have a good time together and I could use a few laughs and good times. We're supposed to hang out tonight...and I think I want to hold off talking about any of this until I have a few drinks under my belt, I just want to enjoy each other's company. Hey, I may be growing up but I still have my moments.
After Baby Scare 2006...that turned in No Baby Disappointment 2006, John and I really started talking in very guarded and coded ways. "Is it crazy?..." and then one of us would trail off. I would say, "I think you should try and knock me up next month..." and then end it with a haha. It took a little alcohol on both of our parts to say, "You know what? I think I want this...and I think I want it with you" but it was said.
Last night he sent me a few text messages while he was out:
"Do you think it's crazy to wanna try again?"
"You know how I feel about it John."
"Last night I laid on the couch dreaming of having my baby girl lying on my belly."
" Aww...that's probably the sweetest thing I've ever heard. I think I want to get magnolia blossoms tattooed on my shoulder and back...regardless...I think they would be a nice addition to the lilies."
"Funny thing? I told Roommate 2 that I was going to get them across my chest about 45 mins ago."
"So does Roommate 2 think we're crazy?"
" The funny thing is...I can't find a single person who thinks it's a bad idea and I know I couldn't pick a better mom."
" And I think that you'd make a wonderful dad. "
These are the somewhat definites (hello oxymoron, my old friend...)...we think we want to start a family together, we want stability for us and our potential baby, we want to be able to say, "We raised that extrodinary individual." I know that I'm looking forward to the day that my heart swells so much that it hurts just by looking at my girl (or boy...but damn, I want a girl), and I think that John feels the same way. I want to witness first breaths, first laughs, first words, first kisses, first signs of rebellion. I want someone to call me Mama and tug on the bottom of my shirt. I want to see someone to be sitting comfortably perched on top of John's shoulders, legs wrapped around his head and firmly secured with his hands.
I said this before: we have the intelligence, we have the careers (mine wonderfully flexible for motherhood), we have the house (temporary domicile at this point), and we have great hearts. we have to think about the commitment.
These are the indefinites...reality is daunting. Will he relocate for the "forever and a day" commute? Will I sell my house and meet him halfway? Will we halfway into this project say, "No, I'm sorry...I don't want to be an adult anymore!" and both turn tail? Although, I thought about it and I'd be ok on my own if that should happen... Will this insane idea work? Could it? Why do we both think we want this so much (seemingly out of the blue, triggered by an accident that turned out not to even be an accident)...but with so much hesitation? And if we didn't hesistate, if we just went with it, would it be better? To just go with the initial gut feelings and not the ones that say, "Are you fucking crazy?" We both freak out and waver between "Wow, am I really having this conversation?" and "This would be cool...I think." I see it in our emails back and forth (sorry, totally kept you from working today), although I think John thinks I'm totally calm about the whole thing...I'm not, I'm just keeping an open mind about it all.
There are so many questions left unanswered at this point...but the point is, we're trying to cover the tough questions and be honest about them. If it happens, it happens...but right now I'm just happy to hang out with him and see where we want to go with it. If nothing else, we always have a good time together and I could use a few laughs and good times. We're supposed to hang out tonight...and I think I want to hold off talking about any of this until I have a few drinks under my belt, I just want to enjoy each other's company. Hey, I may be growing up but I still have my moments.
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