Knocked up?
This is a really weird post to write...but since I've been late for almost two weeks now it seems like the only thing I can do is go to the grocery store and get a pregnancy test. But I haven't moved from the couch...because I don't know how I feel about it.
Could I be somebody's mom?
Should I be somebody's mom?
Can I do this alone?
...and of course I waver between absolute shaking terror, and calmness...
When I'm alone I think about these things. I've said before that I think that I would like to have a baby someday, but this situation wasn't part of the plan...but how could I even plan a pregnancy with my life? I take birth control for 14 and a half years, I've never had a slip up...is now supposed to be the time? John and I talked about it and he doesn't want a kid--in fact we discussed options that might really anger some of you. We even made a pinky swear on it...but now? I dunno. He had momentary thoughts that this might not be a bad thing, but I'm sure those moments will pass for him...but for me? I'm wondering, like seriously thinking that this might not be a bad thing. It will grow my ass up, might help me clean up my act, it might make me transform myself into the better person I would need to be.
I told my mom today, and she said, "Well I've always said that you would make a wonderful mother, you're very loving, and very kind." And then she made me laugh because she asked, "Would John marry you?" and I gave her the sidelong glare and a laugh, "C'mon now, Mom this is not 1952." And she said, "What? He can sleep with you but he can't do that?" And all of that made laugh and I said, "Well we haven't slept together in a week Mom, we're done...for real, done. And good lord, could you imagine? We'd get a divorce every week! If I do this Ma, I'm doing it alone."
So tomorrow I might go get that test from the grocery store. Sickest thought ever? I think there's a part of me that will be very disappointed if it's negative. I never once thought I'd say that. Ever.
Oh and dating will be ever more challenging with a little one on my hip...but if it turns out I am preggo, I'm going to love the shit out of that kid. That's for damn sure.
Could I be somebody's mom?
Should I be somebody's mom?
Can I do this alone?
...and of course I waver between absolute shaking terror, and calmness...
When I'm alone I think about these things. I've said before that I think that I would like to have a baby someday, but this situation wasn't part of the plan...but how could I even plan a pregnancy with my life? I take birth control for 14 and a half years, I've never had a slip up...is now supposed to be the time? John and I talked about it and he doesn't want a kid--in fact we discussed options that might really anger some of you. We even made a pinky swear on it...but now? I dunno. He had momentary thoughts that this might not be a bad thing, but I'm sure those moments will pass for him...but for me? I'm wondering, like seriously thinking that this might not be a bad thing. It will grow my ass up, might help me clean up my act, it might make me transform myself into the better person I would need to be.
I told my mom today, and she said, "Well I've always said that you would make a wonderful mother, you're very loving, and very kind." And then she made me laugh because she asked, "Would John marry you?" and I gave her the sidelong glare and a laugh, "C'mon now, Mom this is not 1952." And she said, "What? He can sleep with you but he can't do that?" And all of that made laugh and I said, "Well we haven't slept together in a week Mom, we're done...for real, done. And good lord, could you imagine? We'd get a divorce every week! If I do this Ma, I'm doing it alone."
So tomorrow I might go get that test from the grocery store. Sickest thought ever? I think there's a part of me that will be very disappointed if it's negative. I never once thought I'd say that. Ever.
Oh and dating will be ever more challenging with a little one on my hip...but if it turns out I am preggo, I'm going to love the shit out of that kid. That's for damn sure.
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