This is blog of a woman who didn't know what she wanted and so chased after dreams and men in search of the answers...drunken hilarity ensued. Then one day she met a man who was everything she wanted, but he wasn't so sure. Then she did the unthinkable; after they broke up she gave him this blog address and she let him into her mind as well as her heart. Unbelievably, even after sorting through the sordid archives of failed relationships, one night stands and her lusty (and embarassing) pursuit to secure the heart of a certain young line cook, John somehow managed to fall in love with her too. Melina and John were married a little over six months after they started dating, running away to Las Vegas to seal the deal. You can imagine what the over/under bet was to see if they'd even make it a year!! Over a year later and they are still going strong...this blog has become their story. Need to tell me something? Email me at Melinalovesjohnny at gmail dot com
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Sunday, April 16, 2006
Knocked up?
This is a really weird post to write...but since I've been late for almost two weeks now it seems like the only thing I can do is go to the grocery store and get a pregnancy test. But I haven't moved from the couch...because I don't know how I feel about it.

Could I be somebody's mom?
Should I be somebody's mom?
Can I do this alone?

...and of course I waver between absolute shaking terror, and calmness...

When I'm alone I think about these things. I've said before that I think that I would like to have a baby someday, but this situation wasn't part of the plan...but how could I even plan a pregnancy with my life? I take birth control for 14 and a half years, I've never had a slip now supposed to be the time? John and I talked about it and he doesn't want a kid--in fact we discussed options that might really anger some of you. We even made a pinky swear on it...but now? I dunno. He had momentary thoughts that this might not be a bad thing, but I'm sure those moments will pass for him...but for me? I'm wondering, like seriously thinking that this might not be a bad thing. It will grow my ass up, might help me clean up my act, it might make me transform myself into the better person I would need to be.

I told my mom today, and she said, "Well I've always said that you would make a wonderful mother, you're very loving, and very kind." And then she made me laugh because she asked, "Would John marry you?" and I gave her the sidelong glare and a laugh, "C'mon now, Mom this is not 1952." And she said, "What? He can sleep with you but he can't do that?" And all of that made laugh and I said, "Well we haven't slept together in a week Mom, we're done...for real, done. And good lord, could you imagine? We'd get a divorce every week! If I do this Ma, I'm doing it alone."

So tomorrow I might go get that test from the grocery store. Sickest thought ever? I think there's a part of me that will be very disappointed if it's negative. I never once thought I'd say that. Ever.

Oh and dating will be ever more challenging with a little one on my hip...but if it turns out I am preggo, I'm going to love the shit out of that kid. That's for damn sure.
posted by Melina at 6:48 PM