This is blog of a woman who didn't know what she wanted and so chased after dreams and men in search of the answers...drunken hilarity ensued. Then one day she met a man who was everything she wanted, but he wasn't so sure. Then she did the unthinkable; after they broke up she gave him this blog address and she let him into her mind as well as her heart. Unbelievably, even after sorting through the sordid archives of failed relationships, one night stands and her lusty (and embarassing) pursuit to secure the heart of a certain young line cook, John somehow managed to fall in love with her too. Melina and John were married a little over six months after they started dating, running away to Las Vegas to seal the deal. You can imagine what the over/under bet was to see if they'd even make it a year!! Over a year later and they are still going strong...this blog has become their story. Need to tell me something? Email me at Melinalovesjohnny at gmail dot com
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Monday, April 17, 2006
We would've made good parents. I know this with all my heart.

John is so intelligent, witty, handsome, charming, creative, so good with narrowing down the big picture into the little details. He's a man who, when focused, could make anything happen...and I know that for his little girl he would've moved heaven and earth.

I'm intelligent, pretty, funny, giving, kind and pretty selfless. I'd lay down anything I had to make sure that my baby had everything in the world it would need and then some.

Our baby would've had either curly or wavy chocolate brown hair. She'd be graced with either my bright bluish green eyes or a lovely deep hazel/brown color and she would've been complimented on them throughout her entire life. She would've had dimples, but not like the dog-made one that her momma has, but like the one that graces her other cheek. Would she have my tiny little slope of a nose or John's equally cute nose? Mom and baby girl would wear matching pigtails just to be goofy. We'd make her laugh all the time, so that her nose would squinch up and her little eyes would be creased shut.

Her name was going to be some combo of Josephine Grace, or Lily Grace or even Magnolia Grace (Maggie)...but probably Josephine Grace, named after both of John's grandmothers (believe was no struggle there not to choose my grandmother's names--Henrietta or Isabel). If it was a boy, John told me I was allowed to give him my dad's name of Tommy...but neither of us wanted a boy.

But the baby's not to be. Gracie won't be ours. We nurtured her for four days...daydreaming, worrying and delving into a ton of introspection. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe John's out there breathing a sigh of relief...we dodged a bullet so to speak...but frankly, I'm more than a little disappointed and I will bet you money, there's a part of him that's going to be a little sad. I got up early this morning and ran to the grocery store and picked up several tests in the aisle. I chose the one that claimed to be the most accurate within the shortest time of a missed period. My heart pounding in my chest and my hands shaking I ran into the bathroom and did the deed. I waited. I kept peeking to see if the results would come up earlier if I stared at it. I decided to take the dog for a walk. I came back and the test was I took the second was negative. Twenty minutes after that, I got my period. I guess all the extra missed time was psycho-sematic.

The results made me cry. Not out of relief, in these four days I went from one end of the spectrum to the other. I went from adamant that I shouldn't have a child, to coming to want our Grace and now she's just a dream deferred. Maybe I'm a little crazy (which I'm not going to discount) but I think if anyone could've made this work, it would've been us. We're at good ages (27 and 29), we have good jobs, I have a house, we both had supportive parents (seemingly waiting in the wings excited to be grandmas), I guess we wouldn't have the best relationship situation since we wouldn't be together, but no matter our situation we would've loved that baby as much as humanly possible. I'm disappointed, our baby would've been beautiful.
posted by Melina at 10:41 AM